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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 2:04:48 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: UnholyBear

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

....Upfront, I expect common courtesy and civility. Later, I expect respect once it's earned. I always expect clarity in communication.

It is for this which I believe is the cornerstone for many, if not most relationships that are based on one person having more authority than the other. From what I have observed in the dynamics of friends who have established TPE dynamics and successful ones at that. The control that the dominant exercises is not always overt and glaringly obvious. In time, it's the subtle nuances of control the dominant has created that guides both parties. This does not mean the dominant partner is always dictating every single aspect but they set the rules and guidelines to how they precieve how they want their relationship to be created and maintained and when the submissive partner has the same general goals then that dynamic will flourish and grow.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, My old friend. I see you are still excellent at recognizing excellence

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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 2:07:29 PM

InHisHeart

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

In my experience and observation of those with D/s relationships around me, you lose the vice versa. That is your submission, putting your shit on the back burner while the dom gets catered to and cared for. The Dom is the Sun and the stars and you don't get to have wants or desires.

That's not how it is with my current D/s relationship (7 years and counting) and it wasn't that way in my former D/s relationship (20+ years). My wants and desires are never put on the back burner. If they weren't important to him and if I wasn't cared for then I'd be gone in a heartbeat and never look back. If it wasn't a relationship where we both get our needs fulfilled, we're both happy with each other and happy within the relationship then it wouldn't be a relationship worth having.

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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 3:38:24 PM

InHisHeart

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

For me, any power exchange relationships I have been in have developed organically. Of course, generalities are spoken about initially...but I have found that the most successful relationships I have had have not been ones where there's an initial "here's my list, take it or leave it".

I think of "here's my list, take it or leave it" as things that are deal-breakers, it has to be this way or the relationship isn't going to happen. I'm a sub but I have a "take it or leave it" list also, I wouldn't expect a Dom not to have a list. I don't see this as just being within D/s, I see it as with any type relationship.

There are things I will not back down on, there's no negotiating and if a prospective partner can't or won't agree then I don't see a reason to pursue a relationship with that person. Because of that, for me I believe in both people getting all the take it or leave it stuff laid out on the table right away which has always worked out well for me. There was no time wasted by finding out 6 months down the road that this or that is a deal breaker and he or I couldn't agree with it.

On a side note, I was the one who said if he wanted a shirt ironed at 3 a.m., I would do it. He never woke me in the middle of the night to do a chore and I'm confident in saying that's not something he would do, he's not someone who shouts out just because or on the whim orders. If he did wake me to do something like that, I have no doubt I'd be thinking to myself "WTF, has he gone mad" because it would be out of character for him but I still would do it. I don't need to know the reason behind something he wants me to do.

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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 3:48:18 PM

smileforme50

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(I really hate when a really great topic is already 3 pages long before I get a chance to add my

I'm really not sure where I stand in all of this. I'm still exploring and testing and learning these things about myself. My first 4 years of exploring all of this has been strictly play, but now I"m curious and intrigued with being submissive and obedient to my partner outside of the bedroom. Although I think being micromanaged would cause me a lot of stress, I find myself wanting something more than what I have had in previous relationships. I find myself wanting to feel some level of control from my partner....but at what point would freak out and become a rebellious lunatic? I don't know....

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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 3:51:55 PM

littleladybug

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quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart

I think of "here's my list, take it or leave it" as things that are deal-breakers, it has to be this way or the relationship isn't going to happen. I'm a sub but I have a "take it or leave it" list also, I wouldn't expect a Dom not to have a list. I don't see this as just being within D/s, I see it as with any type relationship.

Perhaps I should have been more specific. I was not speaking of the list of deal breakers that most people have. I was speaking of a 10 page list of "here's my list of what I want, take it or leave it". (Yes, I have seen that....)

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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 4:13:25 PM

Extravagasm

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This thread is Not about delicateness. . . This thread is bout Kontrol. . .with a capital K. . . which rhymes with J. . . and stands for Jewel. . . (regrets to those unfamiliar with the 1950s Broadway Musical Theater Piece)

quote:

ET post 29 . . . I suspect you are going to get it without pages of blather. Years ago my x-wife had to have gallbladder surgery. Her mother was 1200 miles away and called to see how things were going... she didn't know about the surgery. I told her that the X was in surgery for a brain tumor... I said this because I knew her mother quite well. Naturally she panicked and I gave her about three minutes of total panic and then told her I was kidding, that she was just having gallbladder surgery. Her mom said, okay, let me know how it goes.
You suspected wrong. . .I didn't get it! MariaB post32
I don't get it either. . . . Kaliko post33

ETs example lends many meanings, all shrewd and true. At the simplest level, if hed said just minor surgery. Mother would be like "Well its certainly nice to be kept informed, isnt it?" Who would have been in kontrol of that interaction? Coming down from higher stakes, she said "okay, let me know." Now who was in kontrol of that interaction?

But being in kontrol of a phone conversation, is not what ET was all about. On a way deeper level, it reminds us that humans respond relatively. One of the bedrocks of establishing respect/control in any asymetric relationships (police/detainees) (parent/children) (teacher/students) (dominant/submissive) makes use of this universal truism.
Beginning flexible, then later trying to assert kontrol, always lead to loss of respect and appreciation. Never ever works. Beginnings defined with authority, permit later opportunities for flexible and compassionate interactions. . . This magically works because trust and respect came first.

Not preaching, rather reading what ET is . . Jus sayin.

< Message edited by Extravagasm -- 11/12/2014 4:30:46 PM >

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Post #: 46

RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 4:27:34 PM

shiftyw

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Straight up- if he told me to iron a shirt at 3 AM and I had to get up at 5:30 AM- I'm probably going to tell him to fuck himself.

I can be reasonably obedient- but if you wake me up at 6 all ready to go and ask me to get ready- I like other folks mentioned- I'm gonna wanna know what to expect, and I will probably have reasonable questions (hiking boots or heels)?

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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 4:45:07 PM

littleladybug

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

Straight up- if he told me to iron a shirt at 3 AM and I had to get up at 5:30 AM- I'm probably going to tell him to fuck himself.

Just had to chuckle at that one...

My response would probably be to do it and then gently reminding him the next time he's going away to iron his damned shirts the night before. (And, by "gently" I mean actually asking him straight out if they're done...).

Granted it's a simple and relatively silly example, but it goes to the heart of who I am and what I look for in a relationship. If the "Captain of the Ship" doesn't want a mutiny on his hands, he needs to be clear in his wants and desires. Part of that is not giving orders just for the hell of it (or perceived as such). I don't mind if he's the navigator, just let me see the maps every once in a while...

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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 4:49:51 PM

Extravagasm

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Lol. . luv the expression 'hiking boots or heels' sooo much better than 'your place or mine'. Ima add it to my pick up lines ;);)

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BDSM operates on submission. Not on love, fairness, or convention.

The way to a Dom . . is to follow his karma, wallow in his grime, Swim in his heart.©

Yeah, fantasy is not reality. That's how it gives direction to the truly gifted.

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Post #: 49

RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 5:19:19 PM

shiftyw

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littleladybug

quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

Straight up- if he told me to iron a shirt at 3 AM and I had to get up at 5:30 AM- I'm probably going to tell him to fuck himself.

Just had to chuckle at that one...

My response would probably be to do it and then gently reminding him the next time he's going away to iron his damned shirts the night before. (And, by "gently" I mean actually asking him straight out if they're done...).

Granted it's a simple and relatively silly example, but it goes to the heart of who I am and what I look for in a relationship. If the "Captain of the Ship" doesn't want a mutiny on his hands, he needs to be clear in his wants and desires. Part of that is not giving orders just for the hell of it (or perceived as such). I don't mind if he's the navigator, just let me see the maps every once in a while...

Well that is just the best analogy. I feel really similar.
I probably wouldn't tell him to fuck off for real- but I would absolutely not be pleased about him not giving a shit about what time I had to get up in the AM.

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RE: Kontrol - 11/12/2014 8:17:32 PM

Gauge

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Extravagasm

This thread is Not about delicateness. . . This thread is bout Kontrol. . .with a capital K. . . which rhymes with J. . . and stands for Jewel. . . (regrets to those unfamiliar with the 1950s Broadway Musical Theater Piece)

There's trouble in River City.

< Message edited by Gauge -- 11/12/2014 8:19:12 PM >

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RE: Kontrol - 11/13/2014 11:16:23 AM

Extravagasm

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quote:

Gauge: There's trouble in River City.

You got the music . . man!

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BDSM operates on submission. Not on love, fairness, or convention.

The way to a Dom . . is to follow his karma, wallow in his grime, Swim in his heart.©

Yeah, fantasy is not reality. That's how it gives direction to the truly gifted.

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Post #: 52