Been a tough year (Full Version)

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Missokyst -> Been a tough year (11/18/2014 11:29:29 AM)

I have pretty much stayed away from things that are kink for the last year due to life issues. My brother died in April, tax day (here is hoping he didn't send in any payments!). My mother, who had been suffering from kidney failure for years, finally reached the end in June. And the younger of my elder sisters passed away 2 weeks ago of cancer. Even my dog decided to take the ferry up when my mother left, having no will left to be without her companion.

Sad stuff every bit, but I believe that death is probably an ok place to be when it is your time. I was pretty much resolved to get things done around here and sell this place and move to somewhere I might be happy. But making repairs has been costly and the going is slow. And now there is an additional obstacle. I took in a guest at the end of July who is the wife of the guy who fixes our laptops. She came hoping to settle a lawsuit from a car accident and to finish off the business of her marriage ending. Her personality is very much like my mother, magnified by 10. She snorts, sighs, is extremely noisy, talks loud and incessantly and is (probably) unintentionally rude. But, she needed someone and it appears I am accustomed to being a caretaker. A week ago we found out she has a nickel sized lump of cancer in her breast and last night she told me she felt a lump in the other one. Before the diagnosis I mentioned that it might be a good thing to be around her own family in case it was something bad, but she said she already had the appointment and thought it would be better to do it all in the same place.

Here.

I am in need of a break. I have had a tough year. Part of me wants to tell her to go home and the other part of me can't do that. The bigger part of me is the caretaker. I have decided to let her stay for a bit longer at least till she gets through surgery and radiation. But I could use some lines from people made of sterner stuff for when she says things that are a bit "off"

She might say things like

"that guy probably is talking to you because he likes big butts" (when hanging out at the bar playing pool)
"I think men like you because you don't threaten them like I do"

There have been times when she has mentioned that her boobs don't sag (I am 20 yrs older and excuse me.. my tits are small and stay put!)
Or she will refer to me as heavyset (I am exactly 25 lbs heavier than she). Sometimes she will use the insult "that is so gay", which I find irritating because my son is gay and is the joy of my life. And there are days she will have the radio kicked up loud while she twerks around the house to hip hop music. Her habits can be overwhelming at times, but she can be very sweet when I am feeling sad. In fact it is that trait which has kicked me into high caretaker mode.

I cannot turn my back on people in my circle. But I sure could use some nice comeback lines for the times when what she says cuts me to the quick.
Any suggestions?




ExiledTyrant -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 12:28:27 PM)

Okay, here's tha thang: You simply reply, every time, "Well, isn't that nice." Do this for a few weeks, and we she good and lucid, tell her the story of the two southern bells.

A wealthy southern bell from Atlanta went to visit her cousin, she arrived in a nice carriage pulled by a team of magnificent horses at the cousins plantation. After all the formal hubub settled, she and her cousin sat on the porch drinking tea:
Atlanta bell: My husband just bought me that carriage and horses.
Cousin: Well, isn't that nice.
Atlanta: Did you see the size of this diamond ring, he spent a fortune on it!
Cousin: Well, isn't that nice.
Atlanta: My husband just bought me 500 hundred more acres for our plantation and 50 slaves to work that land.
Cousin: Well, isn't that nice.
Atlanta: What has your husband done for you?
Cousin: Well, he just sent me to school for etiquette lessons.
Atlanta: What is etiquette?
Cousin: Quite simply, I say, "Well, isn't that nice" rather than "Fuck you".



sexyred1 -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 1:03:11 PM)

Or, if you would rather be more forceful, since YOU are helping HER:

Tell her that you find her comments rather aggressive and nasty and you don't understand what her problem is.

Tell her that you are not in competition with her for anything and that she would do better to concentrate her energy on dealing with her cancer and other problems.

Tell her that if she cannot abide by the house rules (being loud, play music) then she can find another place to stay.

Being nice and a caregiver is wonderful but allowing yourself to be abused verbally, is not.



shiftyw -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 1:42:01 PM)

^^ red is right. With even if you care for her she needs to back off. Make sure she realizes the FAVOR you are doing her.



Gauge -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 1:56:13 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I have pretty much stayed away from things that are kink for the last year due to life issues. My brother died in April, tax day (here is hoping he didn't send in any payments!). My mother, who had been suffering from kidney failure for years, finally reached the end in June. And the younger of my elder sisters passed away 2 weeks ago of cancer. Even my dog decided to take the ferry up when my mother left, having no will left to be without her companion.

Sad stuff every bit, but I believe that death is probably an ok place to be when it is your time. I was pretty much resolved to get things done around here and sell this place and move to somewhere I might be happy. But making repairs has been costly and the going is slow. And now there is an additional obstacle. I took in a guest at the end of July who is the wife of the guy who fixes our laptops. She came hoping to settle a lawsuit from a car accident and to finish off the business of her marriage ending. Her personality is very much like my mother, magnified by 10. She snorts, sighs, is extremely noisy, talks loud and incessantly and is (probably) unintentionally rude. But, she needed someone and it appears I am accustomed to being a caretaker. A week ago we found out she has a nickel sized lump of cancer in her breast and last night she told me she felt a lump in the other one. Before the diagnosis I mentioned that it might be a good thing to be around her own family in case it was something bad, but she said she already had the appointment and thought it would be better to do it all in the same place.

Here.

I am in need of a break. I have had a tough year. Part of me wants to tell her to go home and the other part of me can't do that. The bigger part of me is the caretaker. I have decided to let her stay for a bit longer at least till she gets through surgery and radiation. But I could use some lines from people made of sterner stuff for when she says things that are a bit "off"

She might say things like

"that guy probably is talking to you because he likes big butts" (when hanging out at the bar playing pool)
"I think men like you because you don't threaten them like I do"

There have been times when she has mentioned that her boobs don't sag (I am 20 yrs older and excuse me.. my tits are small and stay put!)
Or she will refer to me as heavyset (I am exactly 25 lbs heavier than she). Sometimes she will use the insult "that is so gay", which I find irritating because my son is gay and is the joy of my life. And there are days she will have the radio kicked up loud while she twerks around the house to hip hop music. Her habits can be overwhelming at times, but she can be very sweet when I am feeling sad. In fact it is that trait which has kicked me into high caretaker mode.

I cannot turn my back on people in my circle. But I sure could use some nice comeback lines for the times when what she says cuts me to the quick.
Any suggestions?




I prefer the direct approach. No nonsense, cut right through the glib retorts, eliminate the smiling and nodding and just lay it out. I bolded the part of your post that I thought would sum it up nicely for you.

Look, there is no reason to not say what is on your mind, after all, it is you who is doing her the favor, not the other way around. Boundaries are important and letting her know that there is, in fact, a line that can be crossed is a healthy thing. Start with the "that's so gay" and nail her with the fact that your son is gay and that you find that phrase disrespectful of gay people, specifically your son, who you love. Ask her to refrain from saying that.

Your life has been no picnic this year and you were looking forward to a break, and now you have this to deal with. Tell her that... tell her that you do not mind helping her out and being a support for her, but that she needs to understand that it is your generosity and compassion that has allowed her to stay, and as such, all you ask in return is a little fucking respect for who you are, and a little compassion back.

She is likely to react one of two ways. She will either realize she has made a mistake and she will apologize and change her ways... or she will flip out, rant and rave, and leave. Either way, you have won.

You are under no obligation to take care of her, you need to remind yourself of that. Remind her too.

You sound like your heart is in the right place for the right reasons, but that your patience is being tested needlessly. The operative word there is "needlessly." Do a little standing up for yourself, and let her know that what you are asking from her is not unreasonable. Reach a middle ground, and open the lines of communication. You do not have to suffer at her hands, and you have the right to be treated with respect.

Just approach this carefully, and keep your points simple. Do not argue with her if she starts, remain calm and do not get sucked into raising your voice. Make your points, drop them in her lap and make her deal with them. If she chooses to make you the villain, so be it, it doesn't matter, what you are asking is nothing that a friend couldn't say to another friend.

I am sure you can figure out a way to say what I have suggested to you. The most important thing is that it needs to come from the heart, and you, it appears, have a good one.

I wish you the very best, and I am sorry that you have had such a crap year. Things will get better.



Missokyst -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 1:58:48 PM)

LOL love this suggestion.



Missokyst -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 2:15:08 PM)

I have told her that I find it rude to use gay as an insult. She stated that she is in no way prejudiced toward gay people.
I really think she is more ignorant than deliberately rude.
And I must admit I sometimes find it amusing when despite my age and heavyset build, men still approach me to chat and flirt, so her comments about my attributes are somewhat tempered by their attention. I wonder if she says those things to me because she isn't getting the reaction she grew to expect. Her husband was a very jealous man who constantly reinforced the belief that all men were out for a piece of her. I think she is craving validation of her sexuality and does not know how to express it (other than twerking). I am torn between feeling sorry for her and wanting to set her straight.
I have made it clear that taking over my living room as her extra space and listening to music is not going to fly. We each have a room here, which is the space that should be used for self expression. Her immediate reaction to that was a bit of a hissy fit, in that she stormed out for a long walk.
This is pretty much her reaction to not having it her way. I have learned to ignore it.



Gauge -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 2:24:43 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I have told her that I find it rude to use gay as an insult. She stated that she is in no way prejudiced toward gay people.
I really think she is more ignorant than deliberately rude.
And I must admit I sometimes find it amusing when despite my age and heavyset build, men still approach me to chat and flirt, so her comments about my attributes are somewhat tempered by their attention. I wonder if she says those things to me because she isn't getting the reaction she grew to expect. Her husband was a very jealous man who constantly reinforced the belief that all men were out for a piece of her. I think she is craving validation of her sexuality and does not know how to express it (other than twerking). I am torn between feeling sorry for her and wanting to set her straight.
I have made it clear that taking over my living room as her extra space and listening to music is not going to fly. We each have a room here, which is the space that should be used for self expression. Her immediate reaction to that was a bit of a hissy fit, in that she stormed out for a long walk.
This is pretty much her reaction to not having it her way. I have learned to ignore it.


This is more telling about what exactly is wrong than anything.

So you told her about the gay thing, and she states she isn't prejudiced against gays... so she blew you off, ignoring that it disturbed you. That is fucking disrespectful.

When you confronted her about where her space was to express herself was to be, she threw a fit, ignored you, and walked away. Sounds like she doesn't respect your wishes no matter what they are.

She sounds like a spoiled insolent child. Now, more than ever, you need to take the direct approach with her and lay it on the line, firmly, finally, and give her the choice to stay and abide by what you are asking of her, or go and have a nice life. What fucking arrogance she has... you are doing her a favor and she is shitting on you for it, and you are taking it. If you allow it, you are equally to blame for the resultant turmoil in your life. It bothered you enough to post about this, clearly this is a problem for you. Do something about it... or don't, but taking it on the chin for being a kind and generous person is not something I would put up with... neither should you.




Missokyst -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 2:54:26 PM)

These things I know.
I am abundantly polite. I am a fixer. I am a social coach. I am kind. And I was taught to be submissive. I am also, or I once was, a leader. I do have control issues, that in the last year of turmoil I stomped down hard into a small smudge of bile which I find difficult to revive. I know I need that sterner stuff, but I can't seem to access it.
I know that she has emotional issues from the upcoming divorce and surgery. I know she has mental issues stemming from a childhood accident and injury to the brain. She lacks social skills.
I don't want to be a dishrag. I just can't seem to find the guts I once had to speak up.
Small steps.
I know I am still me beneath this horror that has been 2014, I just need the tools to find my voice again.



sexyred1 -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 3:22:22 PM)

That is precisely why you need to step away from her.

You are a strong person from your past postings, but anyone would feel weak and off balance from what you went through.

I would not put up with this, sorry. Whatever her inner demons no one has a right to treat you badly.

Too many people adopt a victim mentality on the other side of the equation, meaning they forgive people who have had bad things go on for their bad behavior. All this does is enable the person to keep behaving badly.

I am kind too, but not a people pleaser and I don't let people treat me badly who I am trying to help.

Its up to you on how you handle this moving forward and I hope you find yourself again. Be patient with yourself.



DesFIP -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 3:26:58 PM)

You confront her. When she says something deliberately hurtful, you call her on it. You say "That was highly offensive. Did you mean to hurt me?".

But the truth is, you need time to heal and you aren't getting that with her sucking all your energy up. She will take and take and put you down so you don't stop her taking from you as far and long as possible. I would not buy into her stories of her ex being so abusive, because I'm sure she did this to him. As far as why she isn't with her family now, because she did this to them until they said enough.

This is a time where she can get appropriate support from a cancer support group. They are lead by professionals and they will call her on her shit. That's what she needs.

You are enabling her to keep spinning all these stories that show her as a victim and allow her to not accept any blame for how her life turned out. You need support yourself now, and she isn't giving you any. Please draw a line in the sand and have the strength to enforce a healthy boundary when she crosses it. And she will.



kallisto -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 4:27:15 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

Or, if you would rather be more forceful, since YOU are helping HER:

Tell her that you find her comments rather aggressive and nasty and you don't understand what her problem is.

Tell her that you are not in competition with her for anything and that she would do better to concentrate her energy on dealing with her cancer and other problems.

Tell her that if she cannot abide by the house rules (being loud, play music) then she can find another place to stay.

Being nice and a caregiver is wonderful but allowing yourself to be abused verbally, is not.



^^^^^ This ^^^^^

And I applaud you for being the caretaker .. but now you need to take care of you.



GoddessManko -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 4:48:02 PM)

My heartfelt condolences OP as you have been coping with tremendous loss and simultaneously relentless negativity from someone you have latched onto as caretaker, possibly partly as a result. I have been there as far as sacrificing for the sake of family, it takes its toll. At some point you have to make the decision that enough is enough. She may be dealing with illness but perhaps you're forgetting some of the deepest wounds remain unseen and you haven't even had the symbiotic support you need from her. You seem to be a giver, she seems to be a taker. She will keep taking as long as you allow her to until you have nothing left to give.
I understand, I have been there. I bought my brother his first car. I spent a healthy part of my life raising my nephews for two years. When anyone needs something done, from my mother, to siblings, to spouses, I'm the one they call. At the same time over the years, I have been the only one creating my reality, with no help or support system. Sometimes we need that even if it's someone you can talk to. I urge you to find a close confidante, at least one you can trust.
Mine loves me deeply, and my need for him is selfish, I know that. He never reciprocates by doing the same. But he has been there for me and knows me better than anyone in this entire world. He respects me greatly and you need that because you are worthy of respect.
What you are doing is admirable and I am hoping you can effectively communicate your feelings to her. Her words are hurtful, she should know that, but if she is an emotional vampire and refuses to change, you have to (even if woefully) part ways. It will be good for you both.
There was a time where I felt like I had to do everything for everyone because I thought I was stronger, more reliable, more resourceful and that they "need me". Well let me tell you, it unfortunately handicaps the person we intend to help. We should show them how to fish and let go. I have stopped giving as much to my siblings ONLY in the past year, and they're OK.
I think although you may think one has nothing to do with the other, maybe figure out if you're holding on despite how exhausting it is, maybe because you are scared of losing her, that you may end up blaming yourself.
Please know that no matter what happens, it's not your fault. You have a kind spirit but you need to realize when your kindness is to your own detriment, and part ways if you are unable to communicate with her. If she is receptive and improves then it would be a happy coexistence for you both. Otherwise...you have to accept what you cannot change.
You can be supportive from afar,but also have the ability to withdraw when things get "out of hand" with her possibly unknowingly, hurtful words. I'm sure she loves you and vice versa, express it but let her know that you need personal space, you tried to make it work but were unable.
Some people honestly... do not respond well to kindness, this is a truth I realized long ago.



Gauge -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 4:48:44 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

These things I know.
I am abundantly polite. I am a fixer. I am a social coach. I am kind. And I was taught to be submissive. I am also, or I once was, a leader. I do have control issues, that in the last year of turmoil I stomped down hard into a small smudge of bile which I find difficult to revive. I know I need that sterner stuff, but I can't seem to access it.
I know that she has emotional issues from the upcoming divorce and surgery. I know she has mental issues stemming from a childhood accident and injury to the brain. She lacks social skills.
I don't want to be a dishrag. I just can't seem to find the guts I once had to speak up.
Small steps.
I know I am still me beneath this horror that has been 2014, I just need the tools to find my voice again.


The best way to find your voice again is to use it. You never lost the guts to speak up, they are still there, what is left for you to do is to use your voice again... the rest will fall into place.

You do not want to be a dishrag but yet, here you are. Believe me when I tell you that I am not being harsh to you to hurt you, I am being firm in order to open your eyes.

Bad behavior is bad behavior. We can explain it away however we care to, but it is still bad behavior. So what if she is facing a divorce and surgery, does that mean you get to be shit on in the process?

You may be polite, a fixer, a social coach, a submissive, but what you are not is her punching bag.



shiftyw -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 4:52:25 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge
You may be polite, a fixer, a social coach, a submissive, but what you are not is her punching bag.


^ I just thought that bore repeating.



JstAnotherSub -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 5:36:30 PM)

Just ((((((((hug)))))))) and hang in there.



GreedyTop -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 8:35:38 PM)

*hugs*



Kirata -> RE: Been a tough year (11/18/2014 10:49:32 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I cannot turn my back on people in my circle. But I sure could use some nice comeback lines for the times when what she says cuts me to the quick.

Any suggestions?

You could try saying, "ouch."

Beyond that, I think you're doing fine and she probably keeps you from dwelling on.... things.

K.




DesFIP -> RE: Been a tough year (11/19/2014 7:09:10 AM)

If you need help in finding your voice, figure out what you want to say to her, write it down and memorize it.
Tell her that for her to stay in your home, she needs to be kind and not hurtful. She needs to give support not just demand it.

Don't argue. Just state the rules. When she comes back with the 'yes but' as she will, you repeat it word for word.

I don't know why this works, but if you use exactly the same sentence every time it will get through to her. As long as you also state the consequence for her not abiding and enforce that.

My question to you is if you are not allowing this in order to be a distraction from dealing with your own grief. Because you would do better by far to get some grief therapy and find an outlet for it. This isn't healthy for you. And you need to view this like being on an airplane. If you aren't selfish and don't put the oxygen on your face first, you won't be able to put it on anyone else.



Missokyst -> RE: Been a tough year (11/19/2014 9:00:55 AM)

*FR*
I hear what you all are saying and will try to find my voice. I have told her a time or two when she becomes too overwhelming for my family to put up with, I do have my 2 daughters also living in the house. I think initially I wanted to soften my stance due to the initial reaction of my younger daughter to her arrival. I found my girls reaction, well, embarrassing. My younger daughter does have abandonment issues which stem from her traumatic birth. As a result there was a lot of drama when S arrived at our house. I think I may have been over-compensating. It was a lot to deal with only a month after the death of my mother.
I have tried to assert myself since then but it feels like a balance I cannot quite reach.
I know I have to try harder.
I will say that "S" can be a PITA, but she has also been sweet, caring, was there for me when I was having so many issues with my boss (my ex-dom).
I can't just dump her because I need to heal. It is in my nature to be a caretaker, I can't even recall how many animals I have nursed back to health or hand fed in the last months of their lives because for them there would be no recovery. I know I have to care for myself too, but man.. how does one ignore their own nature?



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