not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss

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sephisurrender3d -> not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/12/2006 9:48:55 PM)
*Hello Everyone,* Ok im sitting here trying not to go into a panic attack so please understand if i dont make sense ... Takes a deep breath and plods onward.. **I have been feeling very lacking in my servitude * to Master for some time.. After examining those feelings i have come to a few conclusions..*** 1. My rebellion from Master is a combination of frustation and feeling like a complete waste of space and air.. Why do i feel this way...Its a matter of going into public and not being able to discuss anything other than gee my kids fell today, the weather is so nice, gee you look nice..I have nothing to offer that is not based around my past, my kids , Master or the lifestyle...I have become shy and hide from life and by god after every damn thing me and my kids have been through i wont do it ...* notice im trying like hell to sych myself up for this .. God im scared to death* Besides feeling utterly stupid and out of touch with reality , sighs knowing this is gonna get me slammed Master is disabled and well we are on top of one another 24/7.. Dont get me wrong i love Master and our kids .. Its just ive done for everyone else in my life since i was little .. Now i want to do something for me , that will fulfill me and give me a purpose besides being wife/slave/mommy.. I want to contribute to my family not just sit back and feel worthless.. 2.Im 35 and have been overweight for as long as i can remember... Being so ive missed out on a great many things in life...Playing with my kids , working toward my own needs, and just enjoying life in general...Recently on a trip to a Six Flags Theme park with my kids i had to exit a ride because my ass was to big to fit in the seat..I tried not to be embarressed and not to cry but god that hurt so freakin much..I also have a child walking the same path i did as a teen and i can not sit back and allow Him to become what i did .. A sad lonely child who never knew true friendship or love... *So i have embarked on not only facing my fears of going back to school but also in loosing weight...This is going to be a long , hard roads awash with tears, fears and frustrations ..* So now i embark on my journey and ask for any and all support, ideas, and help from those who have walked this path... How do i get pasted the fears, where can i look for finacial aid, grants ect for school... Please any help would be greatly appreciated... *scared to death ,* *seph*

Taylore -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/12/2006 9:59:18 PM)
quote: My rebellion from Master is a combination of frustation and feeling like a complete waste of space and air.. Why do i feel this way...Its a matter of going into public and not being able to discuss anything other than gee my kids fell today, the weather is so nice, gee you look nice..I have nothing to offer that is not based around my past, my kids , Master or the lifestyle...I have become shy and hide from life and by god after every damn thing me and my kids have been through i wont do it ...* notice im trying like hell to sych myself up for this .. God im scared to death* This slave see's nothing wrong in the discussion of unmentionables [:)] However, if you are looking to 'expand' your mind, there are many things that you can do. Read the newspaper, read a book, find a hobby, etc. Only you can decide what is important and of interest to you. quote: Besides feeling utterly stupid and out of touch with reality , sighs knowing this is gonna get me slammed Master is disabled and well we are on top of one another 24/7.. Dont get me wrong i love Master and our kids .. Its just ive done for everyone else in my life since i was little .. Now i want to do something for me , that will fulfill me and give me a purpose besides being wife/slave/mommy.. I want to contribute to my family not just sit back and feel worthless There is no shame in admiting that you are human, and that you too need space sometimes. It does not make you a bad person, or a bad slave, or a bad submissive. It does however, say that you are human. I do however, find fault with your statement that you are worthless. You are a mother. You are a caretaker. You are a provider. You are a rock that others lean on when they need strength. That does not sound worthless to me. quote: .Im 35 and have been overweight for as long as i can remember... Being so ive missed out on a great many things in life...Playing with my kids , working toward my own needs, and just enjoying life in general...Recently on a trip to a Six Flags Theme park with my kids i had to exit a ride because my ass was to big to fit in the seat..I tried not to be embarressed and not to cry but god that hurt so freakin much..I also have a child walking the same path i did as a teen and i can not sit back and allow Him to become what i did .. A sad lonely child who never knew true friendship or love... If you are finding that your weight is startng to bother you, then it is time that you made a decision to change it. Find a healthy way of attaining that which you desire. And I stress healthy. All in all, you must remember that only YOU can change that which you find discontent with. Sit down, examine the exact reasons for it, and then make a plan to change it.

liltxsubby -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/12/2006 10:22:17 PM)
If you have made the decision to lose weight good for you. The way to be sure you are successful...keep doing it FOR YOU. If you do it because of what others think or tell you, it will never work. I know this from experience. I used to try to lose weight because my ex husband said I should. At one point he even said lose weight or I'm divorcing you. (This from a 300 lb guy). [>:] Yeah we (and the diet) were through soon after that.

babysburnin -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/12/2006 10:34:15 PM)
For me, it was almost "self-righteous" to neglect myself. I was being "there" for everyone else. It made me feel good.... as if I was stronger than "selfish, human need." There comes a time, like now it seems for you, when taking care of yourself is important. It sounds trite, but you really are better to others when you are better to yourself. I don't know what "makes you happy". I bet you can barely remember....Take baby steps...a bubble bath to start, or a walk in the rain, or a night at a club with laughter and high-energy....

fullofgrace -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/12/2006 10:54:06 PM)
i am one of those do-for-other people, too, and thankfully i'm learning at a much earlier age that i just -can't- anymore. i'm going to try to address a few of the different things you've said from my own personal experience and what i know of being around family/friends with kids (because i don't have any). i am going to go on the assumption that you are a stay at home mom, because that's what it sounds like - does your master work? the issue of going out in public - though it doesn't show very often because it's not so bad that i can't force myself to get past it most of the time (and i'm just a great actress), i have a lot of social anxiety. i can understand being nervous about discussing things with people, especially when you feel like there isn't anything to discuss. while i'm sure that your duties to your kids and your master probably take up a LOT of your time, is there a way you could start reading or even taking a class once a week (in ANYTHING - knitting, yoga, a uni course for non-credit) to broaden your horizons a bit? step back and think about YOU. something one of my counselors once made me do was keep a journal of five things -i- wanted, because i always do what everyone else wants, to the point that i don't HAVE an opinion most of the time. this even stretches to things like what to order at dinner. it's crazy. so i would suggest trying to keep a journal of things you want - even things that are small and may seem silly (like wanting a new loofah) or are way too expensive or huge to ever be likely to happen (like wanting to go to the moon). and then, next time you're out somewhere or doing something with someone, or someone asks you your preference - even if it's where to sit in the movie theater (i tend to defer to others on that, too) - try to give your HONEST answer without their input. even if they don't comply with what you want, the fact that you have even mentioned what you want is a HUGE step for yourself. you may also want to discuss this with your master, so if you are all of a sudden seeming more focused on your own health or appearing at all to be more "selfish" (in a very good way) than usual, he knows it's because you need work in this area and you are taking healthy steps for YOU. as far as doing things for yourself...the taking a class thing is a great idea. also, incorporating the weight issue in - i just started seeing a nutritionist about 6 weeks ago and it's been really good for me. if you can find an affordable place to go wherever you are, that might be a good idea :) if you're close to a university, they usually offer nutritional services to students and sometimes to the community for much less than you'd pay normally, so that is worth checking into. these places also often offer counseling services to the community as well as students for much less than what you'd normally pay, and it seems like counseling might benefit you - it's worth a try, anyway. it's also a positive step FOR YOU. taking exercise classes is another positive step for yourself that will provide you with peer support AND help you lose weight. and then there's always finding something that you can do at home, for yourself, in place of (f you don't have money/time) or in addition to the things above. i love to color and journal, though i don't do it often enough. some of my favorite colorful self-help books and journals are "sark's journal and playbook!," any of the sark self-help books (especially "how to change your life without getting out of bed: the ultimate nap book" and "succulent wild woman: dancing with your wonder·full self"), julia cameron's "the artist's way," the anatomy coloring book, the anxiety and phobia workbook, and i have the depression workbook (which i dislike) - i've heard that mind over mood is better. sabrina ward harrison's books are often helpful to many people (i find them more fun to look at and an artistic inspiration than a self-help thing). i think the ultimate step is just finally realizing that you are worthy of self-care, and you do not have to BE your children and your master - you have your own identity, independent of that. you are YOU and you are special because you are YOU. you wouldn't deprive your children or your master of the positive self-care you've been depriving yourself of...and taking real care of you - the whole you, mind, body, and spirit - will help you in your relationships as well. oh, and about grants and loans and such: http://www.fastweb.com is a great place to find scholarships for essay contests and things. some of them are geared towards high school students but there are some for continuing ed students and students who are in college :) as well, talk to the financial aid department (ask to meet with a financial aid advisor or counselor, and/or a career counselor) with whatever school(s) you are looking at. they are an invaluable resource, and can give you more specialized info on what grants and loans are available to you through the state and federal governments as someone returning to school, as well as being able to give you specific information on scholarships available from that particular school. best of luck to you. if i can ever help you with anything, or you just want to talk to someone about anything, please feel free to message me on the other side :)

sephisurrender3d -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/12/2006 11:14:36 PM)
Part of my problem is if im in house where im acsessable to Master or my kids i never get the chance to start let alone finish much of what i wish to do...Master is on SSI after being hit by a drunk driver many years before i met Him, our kids that are full time are 15,11,8,5 three of which are hyper and one who is lazy as hell..We also have a 18 yr old mentally and physically handicapped son who comes on week ends and vacations.. SO of course everyone runs to mommy/slave to deal with "where is such and such", whats for dinner, he did this , she did that, i need a drink,something needs fixed and the list goes on... So no i really dont know what i like anymore and if i do find something well i either feel guilty or im nervous as hell wiating for someone to call me away.. And because im "acting out" then im automatically not a slave ...Wait ive been saying that for sometime anyway...I guess ive come to a point in my life that im looking back wondering what the hell ive accomplished accept for being a mother and wife..I forgot what dreams were where im concerned, i forgot what relaxing and enjoying life is.. Ive become someone i dont much like .. There for im going to try my damnedest to feel like ive done something with my life besides sit on my ass and watch the world flow by... *Ok enough ranting for now.. Thanks again for the answers you all have given and the extra support i needed..*

fullofgrace -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/12/2006 11:21:59 PM)
you are not "not a slave" because you're acting out. you're acting out because you're under an insane amount of stress. if your master cannot recognize that and at least give you a bit of leeway for it, maybe the best option would be finding a bdsm-friendly marriage counselor for the two of you, because even slaves have to have some sort of release of this kind of tension sometime. you're no less human because you are a slave, and it's no less a marital relationship that deserves consideration of BOTH sides because it is m/s. since your children are school-aged, and it seems your master stays at home...again, maybe discuss your need to do some stuff for you with him and then take advantage of whatever little time you can carve out while your kids are at school? (i wasn't sure if the kids were school-age before which is why i wanted to wait before suggesting that.) the bit about absolutely not knowing what you want anymore because this do-for-everyone else stuff is so ingrained, i think, is why we have to take baby steps with returning to ourselves...breathe every now and then and tune into where WE are and do simple things like try to find things WE want and write them down. i know the biggest step is just beginning to realize and let sink in that we're not selfish for caring about us. you are not selfish for caring about you and you don't deserve to feel guilty over it. you deserve a big hug for ALL that you do.

SusanofO -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/12/2006 11:39:07 PM)
I know where you can probably get an educational loan and-or a grant for school. I am a member of the Philanthropic Educational Organization (P.E.O. for short). This organization gives grants and loans to adult women seeking further education. I think it goes without saying that mentioning how you came upon this information (below) might be frowned upon (hehe). Nuff said about that, not meaning to insult anyone's intelligence, but felt I had to say that. Anyway..I think you might have a very good chance of getting a loan from them. The loans are up to $10,000. Grants are up to $2,000. P.E.O. gives money to exclusively to adult women seeking further education* via many methods. The grants and loans are relatively easy to qualify for. Two most common forms of funding are: 1) Educatonal loans (at 2%!) interest. To qualify for any kind of grant or loan via P.E.O., a woman must be: 1) Over 18 2) Have a definite plan in place as far as having chosen a school and courses, etc. She needs to know when her anticipated graduation date is, and be able to prove she is financially responsible (which she does by answering a few questions, and the requirements here are not that stringent, trust me). The paperwork is simple, about 3 pages, to apply.You start paying a loan from them back 6 months after graduation. 3) Educational grants up to $2,000 to women who are within 2 years of completing their education program (they want to know you're a good bet to graduate). Otherwise, grants have the same qualifications as for the loans: Be over the age of 18, have had at least a 2 year break in educational plans (for whatever reason) - they stopped and now want to go back to school. OR, be just starting school. You can apply for a grant and a loan at the same time. These loans and grants can be for: A vocational school, a two year college or a four year college. They cannot be for a Master's degree or a Ph.D. program (although if anyone is interested, they do have programs that offer funding for those, mostly scholarships). These grants and loans really are relatively easy to get, and the paperwork is a cinch to fill out. You'll need to sit down with a member of P.E.O. and they will take you through the paperwork, talk to you to get a feel for your "goals" and make sure they get all the information theyneed to increase the likelihood you get a grant or a looan. Then they mail it in to the head office (in Des Moines, Iowa). If you are intetested, please bear in mind that you'd need to fill out the paperwork at least 8-12 weeks before you need the loan or grant; it's a bureaucracy - what can I say? This paperwork goes through many people (I don't know much about that part, really). But I've never failed to get a grant for an applicant yet, and I've been doing this for four years now. Maybe I shouldn't publish this information here, but am going out on a limb because I have the feeling there could be a lot of women who potentially benefit. This isruly a wonderful organization that really cares about the women they help. They are very nice women. Many of the members have put their own girls through school on the organization's loans and grants. Not your usual "ladies who lunch" types on do-nothing committees (I don't join those, they're a huge waste of time in my opinion. I'm probably to "active" for them anyway, they wouldn't want me. But, to each their own). Anyway, find out which chapter is nearest you (there will probably be tens or even a hundred chapters in your state, depending on where you live). Contact the headquarters (address below) - and then find the chapter close to you (ask, tell them you heard P.E.O. gives educational grants and loans to adult women and are inquring) - ask for the President or Vice President of a chapter (or more than one), near you. Then call them. They will put you in touch with the person in the chapter on the grant or loan committee. Then they will set up a meeting to talk with you. Here's the P.E.O. headquarters address: P.E.O Executive Office 3700 Grand Avenue Des Moines, IA 50312-2899 Phone: 515-255-3153 Fax: 515-255-3820 Website: peointernational.org Hope this could maybe help you and maybe other girls, too. Good luck - Susan

Mavis -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 2:36:37 AM)
sephi, hey, congrats on responding to the pinch from within, and i hope you do get to do the school thing. Probably, once you get scholarshipped or granted in, and start classes, there will be a walking track or a gym at the school you can use. Take that time to re-fuel your mind for your daily home-stuff, as you work on health and weight, and what cool results all of this can have for you, and those who love you, Master included. you know, you seem upset at yourself for this period of dissatisfaction, but remember when the kids were almost ready to take a step, or any new phase in their development? They got FUSSY! They seemed like the world was just toooo much, for about a week, then bam. The new thing kicked in, that's "the pinch from within". All it was probably was that inner signal you needed to bridge some gap between where you are and where you want or need to be going. Now that you've sussed it out, go merrily on your way. Bet that angst about not being a slave will go away. Have you thought about what kind of classes you'd like to take or what minor/major/discipline you'd like to check into? SusanofO, wow, great information post. It's nice to know there are things like that out there besides the usual Pell Grants.

hizgeorgiapeach -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 3:40:17 AM)
Sephis, first and foremost - Good For You that you're making a step towards getting past your fears and hesitations. It's not easy to do under the best of circumstances. If your partner balks about you taking care of yourself (or if you balk internally) - remind him/yourself of a critical factor that seems to be slipping your mind. If you are run down physically or emotionally, you cannot take care of the rest of the family as Effectively as you can when you are in a positive frame of mind and physically in good health. If you feel "guilty" about doing something for strictly yourself - then don't look at it as being for yourself. Look at it as doing something which makes you better for THEM in the long run. With the weight issues especially, it is going to take support from those closest to you - both to start/maintain a sensible, healthy eatting regimen - and to start and maintain a healthy exercise regimen. And it's going to take both sides - healthy eatting And exercise - to accomplish your goals. Taking walks will accomplish several things at once. It will get you started on the road to better exercise habits, and it will also allow you some "alone time" to put your mind in order. There are several online resources for dieting tips to access as well. Weightwatchers.com, EDiets.com, things of that nature. Consider taking a look through one or more of those for tips and advice on how to get started - and how to keep on track once you have started. Contact the Financial Aid administrators and councilors of the schools you're considering. Contact the organization that Susan mentioned. Sit down and consider, with a list of available courses in hand, what appeals to you on any level. Susan - thanks for the info on PEO - you were correct in thinking that several might find it useful!

MHOO314 -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 3:56:13 AM)
What you have written here is the first step in conquering your fears----standing straight and tall, prepared to tackle change---there is nothing in My opinion more brave. BRAVO! I hope that Master becomes a source of great strength for you as you embark on this journey. As for grants, etc---start with women's organizations, by searching for grants etc,---there are hundreds of organizations in the US that give money away for college and many who focus on single mother's starting over. If you have problems searching, contact Me off boards and I can get some links for you. This has been written already, but baby steps, do not try to conquer all of it all at once--slow, easy and make it fun!

Lashra -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 4:31:48 AM)
We all need change otherwise we become stagnant. I know exactly what your going through as I'm going through it myself. Loosening weight is wonderful because you boost your self esteem and live healthier. The feeling of going into a clothing store and being able to by a size or two smaller always brings a smile to the face. Also going back to school is absolutely awesome. It not only gets you out of the house so you can clear your mind, but your learning which keeps the mind crisp. You will learn skills so that you can get a job and contribute to the family income. Your children will also look up to you, mine loved it when I started taking a class again. She thought it was neat we could talk about school together lol I say go for it and good luck to you[:)] ~Lashra

agirl -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 4:36:21 AM)
Hello seph, I can understand very well how you feel. I can remember having a baby at the breast, a toddler attached to my leg, another at primary school and one at secondary school and a husband with his own business with which I helped. The sheer physical workload was unbelieveable and the demands on my emotional energy was great. There simply was NO time for myself and I had no energy to take care of myself after I'd taken care of everyone else. I came to a place, much like you have, when I felt incredibly low and had lost touch with everything about myself apart from being a mama, a book keeper, a wife, a cook, a cleaner and my life was almost entirely about what those I loved needed. When my last sprog entered school fulltime aged 4....I just joined a gym. It was just ONE small thing. That's ALL I did. ..........I 'd always been slim but I was 182 lbs at that point. For ONE hour, every other day......I was in a place where no-one could reach me, call for me, ask me anything. I was amazed at the difference that ONE hour made. I was just ME in that hour and it fed me. I used to lay on my back on the floor , doing stretches, just REVELLING in the fact that I was alone, doing something that was good for me. It was such a small thing........but it started a chain reaction. I lost weight and and toned up again and that gave me confidence that I'd forgotten I'd had. I smiled more, I had energy again. I began to gently push the sproglings to do more for themselves and sometimes to just say * too bad* when they needed me and I was off to the gym. Nothing is THAT important that it can't wait for ONE hour. I began to gain a perspective that made my life better and more enjoyable for everyone. The family soon realised that it didn't fall apart just because I wasn't there, they began to rely on themselves more. The older ones realised that they could choose and make their own snacks when I wasn't there, the smaller ones went to daddy when they needed things in that ONE hour. They began to LIKE it so they did it more. That ONE hour with ME absent, over time forced them to forge slightly different relationships with each other. It wasn't anything momentus, it was a gradual shifting of perspective for everyone. And it all began with one hour. Regards, agirl

kisshou -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 5:08:24 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SusanofO * 1) Educatonal loans (at 2%!) interest. To qualify for any kind of grant or loan via P.E.O., a woman must be: 1) Over 18 2) Have a definite plan in place as far as having chosen a school and courses, etc. She needs to know when her anticipated graduation date is, and be able to prove she is financially responsible (which she does by answering a few questions, and the requirements here are not that stringent, trust me). The paperwork is simple, about 3 pages, to apply.You start paying a loan from them back 6 months after graduation. 3) Educational grants up to $2,000 to women who are within 2 years of completing their education program (they want to know you're a good bet to graduate). Otherwise, grants have the same qualifications as for the loans: Be over the age of 18, have had at least a 2 year break in educational plans (for whatever reason) - they stopped and now want to go back to school. OR, be just starting school. You can apply for a grant and a loan at the same time. These loans and grants can be for: A vocational school, a two year college or a four year college. They cannot be for a Master's degree or a Ph.D. program (although if anyone is interested, they do have programs that offer funding for those, mostly scholarships). These grants and loans really are relatively easy to get, and the paperwork is a cinch to fill out. After reading through the website I found that to qualify for a loan you need 2 co-signors with good financial standing who do not live with you or are blood relatives. Also the grants were for graduate students or an adult returning student due to financial need. I did not see any grant for a traditional college student pursuing a 4 year degree. (sorry for the hijack)

SusanofO -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 6:37:52 AM)
Well, I've gotten grants for traditional college students; but most of the time they'd been in school for awhile already - if someone is just starting school, I'd suggest going for the educational loan (it's 2% interest). Grants (except in very special cases) go mostly to people who are already embarked on an educational program and are 24 months or more into it (they want to make sure you are likely to graduate and not drop out is all). The loans are a different story, and open to some students just beginning their education. I know the website doesn't say this, but I've seen people get loans I(not grants) that are not into their educational progeam (yet). However, getting a loan is easier if you are already embarked at least 24 monhs into a program.t Update: I just checked with my local chapter rep for the loan program and she says: **For the most part, P.E.O. loans (and grants, which I knew) do go to women who have already embarked on an educational progeam and are 24 months (or 1 year in the* case of a 2 year program) into it. So maybe I should not have published this (it might help somebody out there, though). And it's good to know t exists, for future reference. There is some misinformation on the website (I just checked; it's nothing major, but the loan amount has gone up to $10,000, not $9,000 like it states. I am sorry they printed that. I can assure you the basic eligibility requirements are still valid, as well as the grant amounts. On the peointernational.org website - For information on grants, look under "Program For Continuing Education"(as far as P.E.O. projects. For information on loans, look under Educational Loan Fund (ELF) under P.E.O. projects However, if someone is already into a program of courses (by 2 years, except in the case of a 2-year school, when I think the requirement is one year; I never get any 2-year course people I've helped apply, so I am not sure) and is needing more funding *they can take a grant and a loan out at the same time.* I hope I am not being confusing. I know I am sorry, I am trying to help -honestly if anyone wants more information thay can e-mail me on the other side - but most of the information is already in this thread or on the P.E.O. website. Re: P.E.O. educational loans: Yes, you do need two co-signers if you apply for a loan - but any loan you apply for will probably require at least one (if not two) co-signers. I maybe should have mentioned that.That is my experience as far as knowing about other types of educational loans (which is not extensive). Someone's Master, or a boss (perhaps), or a relative, or very close, long-time, trusting and trusted friend will work just fine, in many cases, for that. I do not work on the educational loan committee in my chapter, so am not as well-versed in that area, but am on the grant committee for my local chapter, and if they have changed the rules and graduate students qualify (maybe that is the case), I didn't know about it. Sorry for any misinformation there (truly). I haven't really worked actively in my local chapter for a few months because they were all hot to make me an officer and, to be honest, I've been an officer before, and it's one hell of a lot of work (not for P.E.O. but for other organizations I belong to); I plan to become active again in the Fall, after I've "dodged that bullet". That might sound insincere, but it's not - I've got too much I am dealing with now to take on that responsibility, too. I should maybe have checked if the grant eligibility sphere had expanded before I printed the info about grants - if grad students can apply now, that's great! Go with whatever the website says (if there is a question about that). The other qualificationsI mentioned (being 18, etc. are still valid) - I did check on that. It's worth it to apply, these grants and loans are relatively easy to obtain. It does take time, though (8-12 weeks). And you have to meet with a chapter representative and then take an afternoon (maybe two) - a few hours at most, to fill out paperwork (someone helps you with that from the chapter you'd be put in touch with). I can't imagine them not putting you in touch with a local chapter rep if you called and explained you were looking for educational funding and are an adult woman returning (or starting, whatever the case) school. It's the entire and only reason the organization exists. Thye can answer anyquestions you might have, and the website (for the most part, 98%) is accurate. The other thing they do is offer $10,000 scholarships, but those are super competitve and very difficult to obtain (they really truly are), and also the process takes longer. If anyone applies, I'd suggest going for a loan or grant. - Susan

nstyslave -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 7:40:24 AM)
i am a non-traditional student, i returned to school a few years ago. i do not think that i have seen anyone mention pell grants in the reply's to the original post (if i missed it somewhere apologies for repeating the information). Also, a financial aid advisor would benifit you greatly, it doesn't hurt to talk to them. There are myriad way's to fund furthering education. The Universities/ Community Colleges, etc... can help you get started. Also, a usual basic requirment is a gym credit, in addition health and wellness classes, that were part of my standard required courses. FSA (U.S. Department of Education Federal Student Aid) has a website that you can apply for pell grants online.-i don't know if i can post the link on here? Best of luck and hang in there! ~nsty

CrappyDom -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 7:45:02 AM)
seph, Welcome to my own little hell and goodmorning! You have woken up for the first time in your life, you have matured enough that the person inside you is starting to peek her head out past the parental and social programing that has run your life up to this point. Fuck all the "lifestyle" bs and other crap. You are a person, you have needs, rights, issues, dreams, failings, and strengths. You have got to a point where the tiny voice that was you is starting to be louder and more demanding, let it out, be YOU. As a few people have said, you need some alone time. Make it happen, trade some babysitting time with someone so you both can get some alone time. Start getting a life outside of BDSM, trust me, there is one and it is often wonderful. It provided you with a safe place to grow and it seems you did just that. Just like you have to re-pot a plant as it grows, you too need more room to grow but it looks like you are going to have to fight tooth and nail for that room. I just threw my entire life away because I am finally mature enough and focused enough to go to school and succeed at it. It takes hard work and sacrifice, something you don't seem to have a problem doing for others, now you have to learn that YOU deserve the same sort of sacrifice and that it is okay to take care of yourself. When you get those flashes of "I don't deserve it" or whatever other messages, stop and look back and try and see who imprinted it in you. Find the source and rip it out. I find that one of the major reasons I haven't got where I want in life is I have a serious lack of clarity of purpose. I get it from both parents in different ways and it is crippling. I am smart, I can be driven but without clarity it is all pointless. So I am working on creating clarity within myself. You need to find your strengths and build with those, you need to find your weaknesses and and deal with them and I think you can. Don't be afraid to post here and ask for validation, this is a pretty supportive group when people ask questions from an honest place as you have done. I for one think you are doing great and would be proud of you if you were mine, and I bet the same goes for anyone reading your post.

heartfeltsub -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 8:07:45 AM)
What a truly wonderful posting CD. Thank you.

sephisurrender3d -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 9:38:46 AM)
Greetings Everyone, Again i want to thank everyone for the heart felt responces and ideas to help push me on my way.. fullofgrace... my baby steps were a few forward at like 6 steps back up till now..The overwhelming pull on me to be everything and do everything for 7 other people has drained me to the point im actually getting sick again.. My weight has started my knees to hurting to the point i have trouble getting up .. My teeth are again abcessing to the point Tylenol with codine wouldnt touch it ( surgery in 6 days to fix that)..Im getting head aches i cant remember anything.. IM just stressed beyond the breaking point...Master did suggest a gym but i balked because of finances right now are not the best..We went to see my family who me and my kids had not seen in 3 years and who had never met Master.. We were there for from June 1st to the 11th and well spent more than we should have .. But it was worth it the kids and i missed them soo..And they needed to know the kids and i are finally safe and settled..(long story from before i met Master) Susan ...thank you for going out on a limb .. The information may well help someone even if it isnt me ... Mavis.... Believe me its more than fussy... Im getting down right bitchy and not overly slave like in my attitude.. I guess im guilty od what a wonderful Dom from CM called the Honeymoon stage.. I tried to be everything my Master wanted from the time i got here till now without being totally me...I got scared and hide part of me afraid Master wouldnt or couldnt accept me for me...Now He is trying to cope with me the way i am and getting very frustrated with me and i with Him .. Its like two goats butting heads ..It will take time for us to work on things but i really think time apart will do us good...We stopped working on us soon after we got to gether because He wanted another slave 24/7.. So now He has found one and hopefully life will settle and we can all work toward our goals together..Oh and as for what id like to go into Master and my sister are pushing me toward medical assitsting as they both have a backgroand in it..I like the idea but i dont know if i can make it ...and Honestly dont know what id be good at.. Rhi... Master is a diabetic though He has not stuck to His diet in some time.. I am not having to watch my insulin levels as well because my female parts dont wish to work properly causeing a rise in my levels ( turns scarlet for chatting about that issue here).. Anyway i need to begin looking for menues and educate myself on how to cook healthy for 8 people with a very limited budget... Mistress Hathor, Thank You for the support and offer of guidence in my quest .. You dont know how much it means to me..I m clueless how to go about all this and scared to death of failing ...Im a semi strong woman for all ive been through but just as tender and fragile as a new born babe under the shell ive built to protect me and my kids...So now i slam that wall up and push forward and let my tears fall inside .. Its time to do something for me and in the long run for them ... Lashra... I do indeed feel stagnant , stupid and without meaning right now other than to take care of everyone elses needs...And knowing me if i dont push myself to dive right in ill balk and run right back to the safety of the same ole same ole...Dont get me wrong i love Master and my kids but doing for everyone but me is not what i want to do with my life..I love to write and rarely do it because i have to stop mid sentence to fetch this or fix a boo boo, answer silly questions and the like... girl.... <I came to a place, much like you have, when I felt incredibly low and had lost touch with everything about myself apart from being a mama, a book keeper, a wife, a cook, a cleaner and my life was almost entirely about what those I loved needed. > Dont i know this well enough...I take my lil girl to Scouts and listen to the other mothers chatting away and all i can do is sit and feel small and stupid.. IM not from around here and know nothing of what they chat about .. Makes me feel so insignificant and embarressed because im not in their league so to speak... nsty.. thank you for the much needed support and added info it means alot to me... smiles.. *sephi*

sephisurrender3d -> RE: not sure where to post this question about school,weight loss (7/13/2006 9:56:52 AM)
CrappyDom, Wow , i sit here again amazed by Your words and insight into life.. I have watched Your post since comming to CM and though You may seem controversial to some upon first glance, to me Your post are wonderful and honest.. I started waking up from my social programming as You call it a few years ago.. Though someone should have thrown the naive switch at the same time..As i left my Home to venture into a world sight unseen i landed me and my 4 kids into not one but three bad situations, ended up walking the streets, ended up in a homeless shelter, my kids were exposed to a world of abuse worse than the one i was fleeing from..I had alot of guilt and alot of fears now .. But as i tell Master we can not live in our pasts or allow our lives to be ruled by fear .. Life is to short to just watch from the sidelines... When you get those flashes of "I don't deserve it" or whatever other messages, stop and look back and try and see who imprinted it in you. Find the source and rip it out. This i am doing , from early on ive heard nothing but your stuppid, fat , worthless, you'll never amount to anything... Well they are wrong .. I am a mother of 4 beautiful kids who though they have some issues hopefully will grow up knowing they are loved and wanted .. They will know what a hug is and here me say I love you till they are sick of hearing it .. smiles..Yes they are my world but now its time for me to regain some of my dreams that were put on hold when i had them...Im gonna be the lil momma/slave who thinks she can and try her damnedest to go all the way... I also have always had a lack of purpose.. Everytime i wanted to try something i was told no .. So why bother having a purpose when you were told no you couldnt... Don't be afraid to post here and ask for validation, this is a pretty supportive group when people ask questions from an honest place as you have done. I for one think you are doing great and would be proud of you if you were mine, and I bet the same goes for anyone reading your post. As i read this tears came to my eyes and i had to take a break from answering the other posts.. Its been along time since ive felt so much support from people outsit my tiny bubble .. It makes my heart soar and my spirit lift a bit higher.. Thank You so much CrappyDom..Your a wonderful person with a heart of gold but shhh i wont tell... sephi the semi brave..

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