RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear?

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear?

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear?

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 11/24/2014 12:41:55 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleWilliam

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I'm not buying this stuff, and if she will not meet me in person, then I'm out.

She asked you to pay $800 and you've never even MET her?

Any real person would get to know you and see if there's any bond before asking for a commitment like that.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to littleWilliam)

Post #: 21

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 11/24/2014 12:52:59 PM

pleasesir88

Posts: 17
Joined: 4/24/2011
Status: offline

I am going to answer this as a general question, since you have already said you won't meet with her. (GOOD DECISION!)

If it's something YOU really want, then regardless of your identification, you can buy it. I think it's unrealistic for most people to expect their partner, for whatever reason, to purchase all toys.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 22

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 11/24/2014 1:04:55 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes

I have been in the lifestyle for a VERY long time. All I need to "train" you is my body and mind. If I want toys, we'll discuss what works for both of us (different interests/sizes for different people), and purchase one at a time, discussing who keeps what and why.

But then, I am not in the lifestyle for tribute, and I don't willy-nilly serve fetishes.

If you look at it from the perspective of you are buying (paying) her $1600 worth of stuff for a pro session, then that's not too bad a price, if you get about 6-8 hours out of it (2-4 in larger metropolitan areas, and a VERY skilled pro).

*smiles*

Remarkably well stated, and agreed to MariaB, it really sounds like as Exiled stated earlier, she wants him to help her get her dungeon set up which is fine as long as there is no deception on either side. Also to Darksteven, some finDommes can testify otherwise, rest assured, LOL. But it sounds like this guy wanted a D/s dynamic and not a pro session. Let me give him additional advice. If you want someone to like you and feel connected with you enough to be willing to venture into any kind of relationship with you, you have to display you value them as a person first. That includes allowing them to set the pace and decide what is on and off the table. If nothing but kinks were discussed, especially your personal desires, you can pretty much expect this to be the result. Hope this helps!

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to NookieNotes)

Post #: 23

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 11/24/2014 1:37:28 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Any real person would get to know you and see if there's any bond before asking for a commitment like that.

This is no lifestyle Domme, littleWilliam, I'll bet my bottom dollar on that. Also a legitimate Pro-Domme would be up front with you about cost per session, session minimum, and wouldn't be asking new subs (clients) to stock up her Dungeon for her.

A lifestyle Domme will want to meet you first and access compatibility in all areas of life, not just kinks & fetishes. If she feels that chemistry isn't there or that you wouldn't make a good fit, she more than likely will tell you she's not interested.
If she does take you *under consideration*, she should require that you get tested for STDs and provide you with her own up-to-date results. Personally, I have us both get re-tested 3 months later before we stop using condoms, latex gloves and or a latex barrier.

Think vanilla interactions. Would you agree to invest any amount of money with somebody you've never met, other than what you're accustomed to spending to meet a lady for the first time?

Seriously, nobody non-professional goes out and buys all of that kind of equipment to start, new sub or not.

Now, after you've met and if you both have accepted one another, then if you (the sub) are the one who wants a humbler or a portable stockade, like my previous subs have done, then you're the one responsible for procuring this gear with your Mistress' approval.
I don't keep a spare humbler or stockade around in case my next sub is into that sort of thing.

If you're a foot-shoe fetishist, it's a fitting gesture for you to offer to take your Domme out shoe shopping and to contribute to the cost of her pedicures/mani-pedis. (In other words, this is customary and not untoward.)
The same with any other disposable-type or fetish gear which wears out or doesn't have a long shelf life.

Personalized items, insertables which shiftyw mentioned, anything you don't want shared, you should stock yourself (with your Mistress' approval, if she's the one who's going to be using them on you) in your own toybag.

Dominants tend to have their favorite stuff, so they may want to stick with the same paddle, flogger, riding crop, whip, dildo-vibrator used on themselves. I don't draw blood, but I personally wouldn't recommend sharing an item which has blood spatters on it; however, that would be up to you to decide whether that's an issue. Stuff like ball gags can be disinfected between uses.

If she is suggesting things that you're not into, then it would be on her to supply those items. You have the right of refusal or not to consent to various forms of BDSM play, in case you didn't know and those limits weren't already covered ahead of time.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 24

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 11/28/2014 5:40:21 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleWilliam

I recently met a (non pro) dominant woman online who said if I want to be her slave I need to purchase a "Training Kit". She gave me a list of bondage gear, told me to find out how much everything costs, and we would split it 50-50. The total cost of what she wanted was about $1600. She has repeatedly told me that she does not accept money from slaves, doesn't need it, and she is financially secured and stable.
I have never had a Mistress before, but something about this just doesn't feel right.
Is this a common practice among lifestyle dominants?

Well, excellent question frankly.

I'd work a deal with her.....20% down, the remainder on a 9% recurring interest bearing basis with 4 points on the front end (30% penalty if concurrency doesn't occur).

(in reply to littleWilliam)

Post #: 25

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 11/29/2014 8:30:56 AM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleWilliam

I recently met a (non pro) dominant woman online who said if I want to be her slave I need to purchase a "Training Kit". She gave me a list of bondage gear, told me to find out how much everything costs, and we would split it 50-50. The total cost of what she wanted was about $1600. She has repeatedly told me that she does not accept money from slaves, doesn't need it, and she is financially secured and stable.
I have never had a Mistress before, but something about this just doesn't feel right.
Is this a common practice among lifestyle dominants?

This particular situation sounds scammy, but the answer to your title question is "yes." This is especially true if you're into strap-on play or any other form of insertion. Buy such toys and keep them, so they are only used on you. Or buy your girlfriend a gift for both of you, much as you might buy her lingerie if that's what you're into. Just remember that isn't really a present for her, but for both of you, so get her something just for herself when Xmas rolls around, or sooner.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to littleWilliam)

Post #: 26

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 11/29/2014 2:25:04 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

This particular situation sounds scammy, but the answer to your title question is "yes." This is especially true if you're into strap-on play or any other form of insertion. Buy such toys and keep them, so they are only used on you. Or buy your girlfriend a gift for both of you, much as you might buy her lingerie if that's what you're into. Just remember that isn't really a present for her, but for both of you, so get her something just for herself when Xmas rolls around, or sooner.

I'll add to this the fairly well-known fact that males tend to be much more fetish-oriented, with or without a Domme. They tend to purchase chastity devices, for instance, to use on themselves ahead of time, to get themselves conditioned and/or just because it feels good to them to wear one. If your Chastity Domme or Keyholder Mistress wants you to get a different kind (let's say metal that is harder to wiggle out of or escape from to "cheat") and you agree, then it would behoove you to assume all associated costs. If you're fortunate enough for her to take you for a fitting, or if you want to take the chance on ordering this on line with your Domme's approval, given that Keyholder Mistresses are hard to come by, you can figure that out on your own.

In the case of a chastity belt for a female, the sub may be into doing this already; but chances are a Chastity Dom requires this of his sub and isn't simply accommodating her desires, and should take her to get fitted properly IMO, but not expect her to pay the cost. Even if he cannot find the right fit to use one on a future sub, the fact that he possesses the chastity belt outright and unequivocally, reinforces his ownership of her. When male chastity slaves and their Dommes part ways, chances are she will not have any use for his cockcage and will not want to keep it as a memento either. So there is a difference here and in other areas between F/m and M/f dynamics.

As a general rule, if this was not an outright gift or a mutually owned gift, then the male sub should be given his "stuff" back, keeping in mind that his future Mistress may or may not want to use these particular items and may have her own preferences or favorite things (which are hopefully disinfectant-friendly). Regardless of how highly sanitized, however, insertables should stay as a one-person use item and not be shared with anyone outside of the couplet.

Personal accessories, such as collars, piercings, personal gift-type jewelry should remain with the intended recipient (esp. if it's been personalized in any way). Again, whatever a male would normally pay for in a vanilla relationship, does not change because of BDSM or D/s. Any committed LTR turns into mostly vanilla as times goes on--nobody is doing BDSM 24 hours a day.

Personal (gift) items such as lingerie aren't any different than fetish-(wearing) gear that your Domme might want to get or replace for your mutual pleasure. Some lifestyle Dommes aren't into all of that fetishy outfit-type stuff and would only be doing it for you because she knows it excites you. You can both work this out between yourselves. Once she wears it, in or out of role-playing, it's hers to keep. Besides, there aren't many women who want to "inherit" another woman's belongings.

quote:

Just remember that isn't really a present for her, but for both of you, so get her something just for herself when Xmas rolls around, or sooner.

Now RedMagic1, why is it that all guys can't figure this out and act accordingly?

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 27

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 11/30/2014 12:22:43 PM

ivone57

Posts: 279
Joined: 1/23/2005
Status: offline

its nice to have your own toy bag, that way you know that the toys have been used on you only...but I never heard of a Domme wanting someone to purchase stuff and she will go 50-50 on it .... I say its a red flag....

_____________________________

ivone

Property of WhipHer

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 28

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 11/30/2014 12:57:13 PM

GotSteel

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal
In the case of a chastity belt for a female, the sub may be into doing this already; but chances are a Chastity Dom requires this of his sub and isn't simply accommodating her desires, and should take her to get fitted properly IMO, but not expect her to pay the cost. Even if he cannot find the right fit to use one on a future sub, the fact that he possesses the chastity belt outright and unequivocally, reinforces his ownership of her. When male chastity slaves and their Dommes part ways, chances are she will not have any use for his cockcage and will not want to keep it as a memento either. So there is a difference here and in other areas between F/m and M/f dynamics.

Well, in a M/f relationship if she's not into it I will agree with you that she shouldn't be buying it. But frankly neither should he, female chastity is pretty darn invasive and if she's not into it things so aren't going to work out.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 29

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 11/30/2014 1:05:46 PM

wittynamehere

Posts: 759
Joined: 2/5/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleWilliamThe Steel Impaler Tower: $375.00
Bondage Chair: $485.00
Liberator Bondage Wedge/Ramp Kit: $330.00

So a near-stranger you've never met tells you they won't date you unless you buy them a grand or two worth of expensive furniture?
If you wouldn't do that in the vanilla world, don't do it in the non-vanilla world.
IMO it's a horrible idea. Run away. She's just trying to get you to fill out her dream dungeon, so she can more easily attract future suckers to buy her more things before she tells them to get lost.

_____________________________

I almost never return to a thread, so if you saw my post and want me to hear your reply, please message it to me.

(in reply to littleWilliam)

Post #: 30

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 12/1/2014 12:01:33 AM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

A pair of cuffs or clamps isn't an inappropriate token. A gift from a submissive is a left over from tradition. However, when first "dating", furniture, cars and housing usually aren't on the list. I mean, if you were meeting a vanilla girl for first time you would bring flowers, candy, a pot of jam or something... you don't show up with a moving van and say, "how do you like the new furniture I got you?"

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to littleWilliam)

Post #: 31

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 12/1/2014 12:54:40 AM

thorneyone

Posts: 48
Joined: 9/20/2013
Status: offline

Dom/Sub activity is a mutual thing and as such should be financed 50/50.
In reality, one or other may well buy items without counting costs.
If either party are hard up or on a tighter budget, then naturally the other bears the cost.
If you begrudge spending a few bob here and there on something that gives you and your partner pleasure then you should seriously question why you are in that relationship.
I suppose there are mean people and freeloaders in all walks of life but I never really gave much thought to the Dom/Sub scenario.
If you love your partner, giving is never begrudged , or is that too simplistic??

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 32

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 12/1/2014 1:22:44 AM

HoneyBears

Posts: 337
Joined: 11/5/2013
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

@ResidentSadist -- We also agree that a token gift from a submissive is more like a goodwill gesture, but that it should be reciprocated by the dominant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: thorneyone

Dom/Sub activity is a mutual thing and as such should be financed 50/50.
In reality, one or other may well buy items without counting costs.
If either party are hard up or on a tighter budget, then naturally the other bears the cost.
If you begrudge spending a few bob here and there on something that gives you and your partner pleasure then you should seriously question why you are in that relationship.
I suppose there are mean people and freeloaders in all walks of life but I never really gave much thought to the Dom/Sub scenario.
If you love your partner, giving is never begrudged , or is that too simplistic??

On face value, a young couple starting out might pool their resources for practical purposes.
How intriguing that a much older, middle-aged Dom who admits to seeking much younger female subs would fall back on the 50-50 split mentality.
You also say that you have "come around to longing to have a daughter to care about and spoil." Does this lg need to pay her own way as well, as part of the privilege of getting spoiled by her daddy dom?
Next you will be saying that you long for a 1950's household set-up, one where you send your lg out to earn a living during the day, which is so very consistent with a 1950's stay-at-home housewife or Stepford wife fantasy. [/irony font]

_____________________________

"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."-- J.G. Holland

(in reply to thorneyone)

Post #: 33

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 12/1/2014 2:54:32 AM

EmpressElsa

Posts: 37
Joined: 10/12/2014
From: Western Upstate, New York
Status: offline

@littleWilliam

If she is new at this, you are her first sub, and you will be in a relationship then yes I can see splitting the cost of things. However, if she is claiming to have significant previous experience then she should already have her own gear. Personally, I think the gear should be the Dominant's responsibility unless it is something very specific to the use of one particular slave in which case I think the slave should purchase it for the Dominant (with her permission of course).

What concerns Me is that you said you met her online. Don't buy anything for anyone claiming to be a lifestyler unless you have met in-person, have gotten to know each other, and you know she is not a scammer. Also, from the list, it sounds to Me like you are helping to build someone's dungeon. These are not usually items that non-pros keep around. Also, since these can all be used again and with multiple people, which ones do you get to keep if things don't work out?

My advice- don't buy anything yet.

(in reply to littleWilliam)

Post #: 34

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 12/1/2014 5:12:49 PM

LookieNoNookie

Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleWilliam

I recently met a (non pro) dominant woman online who said if I want to be her slave I need to purchase a "Training Kit". She gave me a list of bondage gear, told me to find out how much everything costs, and we would split it 50-50. The total cost of what she wanted was about $1600. She has repeatedly told me that she does not accept money from slaves, doesn't need it, and she is financially secured and stable.
I have never had a Mistress before, but something about this just doesn't feel right.
Is this a common practice among lifestyle dominants?

I always make the Domme pay for everything.

It's better that way.

Women feel empowered if you give them that mandate.

(in reply to littleWilliam)

Post #: 35

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 12/1/2014 7:49:54 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HoneyBears

@ResidentSadist -- We also agree that a token gift from a submissive is more like a goodwill gesture, but that it should be reciprocated by the dominant. .....

Even if you're a billionaire, furniture on a first date seems awkward as token gift. It would seem that on a first date, whomever the seeker is, Dom or sub, would be the one that comes bearing small gifts.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 12/1/2014 7:50:09 PM >

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to HoneyBears)

Post #: 36

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 12/1/2014 9:32:11 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

Even if you're a billionaire, furniture on a first date seems awkward as token gift. It would seem that on a first date, whomever the seeker is, Dom or sub, would be the one that comes bearing small gifts.

That would be whack, and we don't know whether OP has had a first date with this woman! Have they even met IRL since OP's last post? This is all sounding like an on-line thingy to me.

What you mentioned, RS, about handcuffs or clamps, as a token gift (assuming that the Dominant has use for these)--bringing a batch of home-baked cookies or brownies is a thoughtful gesture. I once spoke to someone who was into leg shackles (as well as being handcuffed). I use restraints, but I don't get into hobbling and sure don't have a pair of those laying around. He would have to provide his own!

Watch out, though, when you go to the Orient. There, gift-giving is an art, where the higher status person has to outdo the lower status person. If a sub (actually, s-types call themselves slaves) comes bearing gifts, the Dominant is obligated to return this "token" gesture with a stepped-up version of hospitality and/or extravagance. It's a manipulative custom, but a socially recognized custom nonetheless from ancient days where the strategic advantage goes to the gifter, thus obligating the giftee to provide either a better or more expensive gift, or for favors (which are not seen as bribes the way that we do in more developed nations and/or Western cultures). Gifting can also be used as a conciliatory gesture for recompense. Acceptance then restores the dynamic to its regular balance or hierarchical status.

[Edited for clarity]

< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 12/1/2014 9:49:37 PM >

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 37

RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear? - 12/1/2014 10:13:43 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: littleWilliam

I recently met a (non pro) dominant woman online who said if I want to be her slave I need to purchase a "Training Kit". She gave me a list of bondage gear, told me to find out how much everything costs, and we would split it 50-50. The total cost of what she wanted was about $1600. She has repeatedly told me that she does not accept money from slaves, doesn't need it, and she is financially secured and stable.
I have never had a Mistress before, but something about this just doesn't feel right.
Is this a common practice among lifestyle dominants?

It's a huge red flag when an anonymous person online who you've never met starts talking about money. It's a huge red flag when they start telling you things you need to buy when you have no idea who they are. It's a huge red flag when they start about really expensive items.

I'd start by saying, "Let's meet for coffee and see how we feel about each other face to face before anything else." She'll probably never respond, block you and disappear, and you'll be luckier for it.

(in reply to littleWilliam)

Post #: 38

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> RE: Does a sub pay for bondage gear?

Page: << < prev 1 [2]

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094