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GoddessManko -> RE: How Real Is Real Enough? (12/8/2014 10:03:32 AM)
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ORIGINAL: littleladybug
quote:
ORIGINAL: Nakhla
Yet, at what point does one have enough information to conclude someone online is sincere in their intent? I had calls, emails, chats, hundreds of photos ( and not rude ones either - him, family, friends ), tons of details about his life, his job, his street address... and all these things checked out.
quote:
ORIGINAL: littleladybug
Did you cam at all? It's not foolproof, but it's another way to determine who you are chatting with.
In my experience though, the only way to conclude that anyone is "sincere in their intent" is to actually meet and spend time with them. And, even then, it's not guaranteed.
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ORIGINAL: Nakhla
I keep reflecting on the extra precaution I should have taken ( I did get refundable tickets - thankfully ), some extra details I should have known, done, looked into, and I can't think of a one. For no apparent reason, boom, I'm dropped like a hot potato by someone who had every interest in me a moment before.
People are really strange a lot of times. Because you haven't gotten an explanation, it makes it all the more difficult to understand. Maybe an old flame came back into the picture? Perhaps he was concerned because he doesn't currently look like he does in the photos he sent? Who knows?
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ORIGINAL: Nakhla
I have been active in my local munch scene, and have found it a great scene for people whose priorities and/or orientations are different than mine. So far I've found the internet a terrible means, yet still the best, of finding someone of a like mind. But I feel there ought to be some way to improve; to ask the right questions; to waste less time on what was ( patently ) an online-only dalliance for the other party.
My suggestion would be to try to meet as soon as you can. I understand that you are in different countries, and of course the amount of travel and planning required will make a difference...but really, the only way to come close to *knowing* if someone is sincere is to make plans to meet and follow through with them.
Also, what I've noticed in my time searching online is that the people who have turned out to be serious in their intent are generally quite open with giving information pretty much from the start. These people realize that they are in the minority in a pool of "fakes" and "flakes" and need to prove their sincerity. Back when I started chatting with my prior Dom, he was in the process of doing the paperwork to get a waiver to get into the States. We were on cam one night, and he showed me his criminal record that he had just obtained from Ottawa. (He had an interesting time in his 20s and 30s...). It just happened to be on his desk at the time, and he showed it to me. Now, turns out that this man was *very* open with things-- probably more so than most...but I learned a lesson from it. Whether or not the relationship endured, here was a guy who was serious about it. In my time since that relationship, I've encountered others who have taken the same route. I've actually also been asked the question, "what else can I do to make you feel better about this?".
This is also not foolproof, but it's also another way that I've found to "measure sincerity" prior to meeting. If you are chatting with someone who has been around the internet for more than 5 minutes, they should realize that the fakes and flakes are an issue, and should not have an issue doing what is in their power to allay your concerns about it.
Finally, the best barometer that you have is your own inner voice. Of course, there are people that are really good at deception, but IMO, it's healthy and necessary to enter into any conversation with someone on the net with a good dose of skepticism.
This is perfect advice. OP I'm sorry things didn't work out, however please bear with me as I roll up my sleeves and give it to you straight. You can invest all the time, money, energy, thought and planning in the world into a relationship and things will go south anyway.
Sometimes it's the initial "get to know you" phase, sometimes initial meeting, sometimes a year into it. Now think of a vanilla relationship or any other. Do you let fear get in the way of getting to know people? Is a few dollars spent not worth knowing whether or not this may or may not be your soulmate?
Seriously you have to go into it expecting all possible outcomes. Sometimes the kink list is wrong, the kink clock is wrong, people look undesirable in person vs photo, attitudes and mannerisms are deal breakers. Any number of things can happen in the pursuit of this "ideal". When you are looking further than you local scene, expect to spend to make your dreams come true. If this becomes pricey in pursuit, try the local vanilla scene and hope you get lucky. You need to just know that "life happens" sometimes and no one is to blame. Could have been a death in the family, not in a great place emotionally but "tried" and unfortunately failed. Any number of reasons. I think littleladybug hit the bull's eye here. This is not to say you should be cynical, but losing a bit of money and time should be something you can afford. Sort of like investing in stocks, you don't invest more than you can realistically afford to lose so there's no hard feelings or "but you...".
You can't really blame this person for your decision to "go for it" knowing the risks involved. It is his right to do whatever is within his zone of comfort as it is yours. Apologies and hope your pursuit becomes more promising. This is not necessarily a reflection of you or him but I hope this offers closure and introspection.
Bright side is you didn't fly down and THEN get stood up,or miss the most epic concert of the year only to be disappointed.
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