RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or Nay?

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RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 1:58:50 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

If only life were so simple. *sigh*

It can be. Plenty of people crave simplicity, particularly in this world dominated by a culture of advertising and packaging.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

Or at least I place a higher value on less superficial criteria than appearances.

I'm holding out for both. No reason why someone wouldn't come along who can hold a conversation whilst also being attractive 'in appearance'.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 21

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 2:06:52 PM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

I was thinking more of personality traits. I don't mean to criticise you, and this could be deemed to be criticism, only you will know whether it holds true; but the last thing I need in my life is a woman who makes the colour of the walls a priority.

Where I do agree is with the 'picking your battles' comment. In the event you're going to fight every battle that comes along, then clearly you';ll be scrapping every ten minutes, usually about stuff with minimal meaning.

Which is the over-all tone of my point. I "pick my battles" in just about everything I do. That would include certain characteristics of potential partners. I think just about everyone has an idea of an "ideal" partner. I also think that there are small things that are easily overlooked. I believe it was a Japanese proverb that goes: "A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple".

And my choosing of battles can extend to things that others might find to be superfluous or scrupulous. I believe it's up to each of us to decide where those characteristics rank; when we're talking about prioritizing.

Michael

Yeah, I would say, Michael, that's wise in the grand scheme of: "win some; lose some".

And, yeah, you (general you) must set your stall out according to what really matters to you.

I think we're saying the same thing.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 22

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 4:21:09 PM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

Another exception I made and I'm surprised I didn't think of it when I posted before. Kids! My sons were adults and out on their own when I became available. I always said if I was in the position to meet someone, I would not get involved with anyone who had minor kids especially if they were living with him. I love kids but I was enjoying the empty nest and didn't want to go back to having kids underfoot and dealing with everything you have to deal with having kids. BTDT and didn't want to do it again.

When I met him, his kids were 13 and 15 and he had custody. It was scary at first wondering how or if it would work but it worked out fine, the kids and I got along great, there were no serious issues, his ex was active in their life so I didn't have to step in as the wicked step-mother and I have no regrets taking the chance. They're both adults now and out on their own.

He either cast some type of spell on me or I like living on the edge and taking chances.

I usually won't pass up something that looks like it could be a good thing. The way I look at taking chances that could be good is, if it works out, great. If it doesn't, at least I gave it a shot and won't have regrets about not taking the chance.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 23

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 7:09:16 PM

Naughty6262

Posts: 1
Joined: 12/9/2014
Status: offline

How do u know you have the right dom master or sir what do u look for

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 24

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 7:12:42 PM

domincalifornia

Posts: 88
Joined: 6/7/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

This is not so much about making compromises or projected areas of compromise in your intimate relationships (http://www.collarchat.com/m_4740019/tm.htm) as it is about outright exceptions that you normally would not make.
1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?
2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

Distance. If it takes a lot of work and planning just to get together with someone, it won't last long.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 25

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 7:25:55 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Naughty6262

How do u know you have the right dom master or sir what do u look for

Nice rope work darling, your avatar is

. Looks like a comfortable variation of the Dragonfly Sleeve..
To the topic at hand, yes.
1. Age, distance, kinkability.
2. If I care about someone enough, it's amazing what I am willing to do or not do. However,, subs are subs, vanilla are vanilla, Doms are Doms and I treat them as such within the context of a relationship. Especially if they think they can handle me. Needy subs are a hard limit. Might be a sub but you're still an adult.

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to Naughty6262)

Post #: 26

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/9/2014 7:44:41 PM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Naughty6262

How do u know you have the right dom master or sir what do u look for

For me, by getting to know him as a person first, a Dom second. If he's someone I like, we develop feelings/love/respect for each other, we're compatible in all aspects, if who he is inspires me to submit to him naturally then I know he's the right Dom for me. If I feel I have to force myself or be forced to submit, if my submission doesn't come naturally then he's not the right Dom for me.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to Naughty6262)

Post #: 27

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/10/2014 6:34:22 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

The same way you know you have the right boyfriend or husband.

You make sure you are acting, not just reacting to family of origin issues. You figure out what you must have in a relationship and what are deal breakers, and you actively evaluate possible partners for those things.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 28

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/10/2014 6:54:08 AM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

If you're giving up what you need, or have to suffer with things you can't tolerate, then I'm not sure how they're a suitable mate.

Settling is never a good thing. And I strongly believe that you are better off alone, than lonely with someone else.

I should perhaps clarify that whatever inner conflict I may encounter comes in the earliest stages, not once I have decided there is a good possibility I may have found someone suitable.
Because if I feel I have to make sacrifices or a major compromise, then obviously that person isn't a suitable mate no matter how compatible we may appear to be.
There are relationship compromises that may have to be made or are unavoidable at times. I look at those as issues to be tackled, once I'm considering getting involved with a potential partner.

As to choice of partner, there is that tentative period where we are trying to decide whether that other person fits the bill, is the right type, or just how important is this spec in the grand scheme of things. For instance:

PHYSICAL - I prefer a tall partner. I've made exceptions in the past, but I would rather not. Often, it's a matter of a mental trade-off because he may have (an)other attribute which is more important to me. (Hats off to NG re the importance of prioritizing, or else I couldn't have been flexible there.)
Some of us have a basic "type" we go for. I have about three, but this still excludes 85-90% of (age-appropriate) available men right off the bat.

STATUS (Marital, Familial) - InHisHeart described how things worked out with her Dom having teenage children. Kids aren't an issue with me unless there's a small child because I'm done with my child-rearing years, and the window has closed on my willingness to adopt a small child.

LOCATION - This is one of the more trickier ones. Whether to make an exception for somebody who is not local to us. I've done the commuter-distance relationship gig before, and I'm not inclined to do it again. However, I'll admit that if this sub had been worth the trouble, I would have found a way to make it work. I believe this holds true with most men--if they feel you're a rare find, a keeper, they'll do what it takes to see you on a regular basis and make you a priority in their scheduling plans.
I am so not on board with maintaining a long-distance relationship, and a relocation scenario is out of the question. But again, I could persuade myself to make an exception there with a rara avis potential match who isn't located in a foreign country.

ORIENTATION - A wild card in some respects (other than non-negotiable deal breakers). I made an exception last year in deciding to consider switches. Nothing promising has turned up yet.

There's other stuff such as EDUCATIONAL level, PROFESSIONAL situation, and FINANCIAL status, but those are less important to me as long as they're within an acceptable range.

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 29

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/16/2014 12:57:05 PM

cloudboy

Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline

Nothing has ever backfired on me, and I have not regretted any relationship. Everything between me and others has operated by intuition and not rule. To actually get to the point of a relationship -- so many things just have to fall into place. I like it best when its an unconscious, open, and trusting process. After that, I suppose planning and the future come into play.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 30

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/16/2014 5:09:07 PM

Inghammar

Posts: 145
Joined: 11/25/2012
Status: offline

I didn't want a black partner because I was concerned about the historic implications of 'owning' a black woman in the United States. I thought the racial/power dynamic would be distracting and affect my ability to be the dominant. Well one day I met a wonderful submissive black lady and this wasn't an issue at all.

< Message edited by Inghammar -- 12/16/2014 5:10:32 PM >

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 31

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/16/2014 5:20:07 PM

YouName

Posts: 271
Joined: 10/22/2014
Status: offline

My criteria for a LTR with anyone that stretches above and beyond friends with benefits status is extremely high and I'm considering making some more serious exceptions both to those standards and some standards that I hold myself too.

edit: Ah this is a bit too personal but what the heck. I'm finding it hard to find anyone holding up to them and I find it hard to live by them myself which is a problem the few times I do meet or talk to these types of people. Mostly we end up being friends or part ways.

< Message edited by YouName -- 12/16/2014 5:22:25 PM >

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 32

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/16/2014 5:20:54 PM

camille65

Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

This is not so much about making compromises or projected areas of compromise in your intimate relationships (http://www.collarchat.com/m_4740019/tm.htm) as it is about outright exceptions that you normally would not make.
1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?
2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

If someone had said to me "I know a great guy. He has never smoked weed, been wild in his youth and in fact the guy is an actual Boy Scout Leader. He is super stable and has held the same job for over 20 years" I'd have run lol.

I got to know his personality long before the details of his life and I was hooked. Still am hooked over a decade later.

He was everything I wasn't looking for, and everything I actually needed/wanted.

_____________________________

~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 33

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/16/2014 9:55:48 PM

FieryOpal

Posts: 2821
Joined: 12/8/2013
From: Maryland
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

He was everything I wasn't looking for, and everything I actually needed/wanted.

This happened to me, too! When we're younger, we tend to be more willing to take chances we wouldn't take once we get older. Not to mention having been burned in the past for having taken said risks.

In my case, he was everything my parents didn't approve of in a boyfriend or future husband. (He became both.)
-- He had been to jail before and sported tattoos. (On the plus side, he was a Vietnam War vet.)
-- He'd only been to high school, although he later graduated from a technical school. (He was autodidactic, or self-educated, with a near-genius I.Q.)
-- He had a job, not a career. He also changed jobs often, as it turned out.
-- Socially, um, not from a family of good breeding. You couldn't exactly call them middle class.
-- He was a long-haired hippie pothead, with a kinky disposition. (The last part was a plus.

)
-- He had a suspended driver's license, had to have his best buddy drive him around, and I often had to hitchhike to go see him. I couldn't drive his old Ford Galaxie stick-shift either.
-- The list goes on and on, but basically that sucker latched onto me and wouldn't let go. Undying loyalty is a trait that doesn't go unrewarded with me.

@cloudboy: "Everything between me and others has operated by intuition and not rule.... I like it best when its an unconscious, open, and trusting process."
Idealistically, yes. With me, spontaneity rules, but it's getting to that point of critical mass in a developing relationship first, whether you can always trust your instincts.

@Inghammar, it's interesting that you should say this, because I have felt this way before, that it somehow wouldn't feel *right* to dominate someone for the wrong reasons. I'm glad that you were able to get past your reservations and find happiness with that partner.

@YouName, do you feel that your standards for a lifelong mate are too high to be achievable? Or unrealistic, to where you would be seeking a needle in a haystack, so to speak?

[Edited for typo]

< Message edited by FieryOpal -- 12/16/2014 9:59:02 PM >

_____________________________

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu
There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau

(in reply to camille65)

Post #: 34

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/17/2014 8:32:42 AM

YouName

Posts: 271
Joined: 10/22/2014
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Complicated and personal.

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 35

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/17/2014 3:21:54 PM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

This is not so much about making compromises or projected areas of compromise in your intimate relationships (http://www.collarchat.com/m_4740019/tm.htm) as it is about outright exceptions that you normally would not make.
1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?
2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

My x-dom defied my physical requirements and also, I break one rule of mine, that I do not date men with a temper. Have kept that rule with a straight perfect record, until I met my x-dom. His temper didn't scare me, but the reason why I do not like being with someone with a temper is because, a temper throwing person will bring up my own temper, and it's like two dynamite combusting which will just increase flames to fire. I know myself, I will never be able to be the calmer one in that situation, so I think I just cannot handle it. But I think I will go back to sticking to that rule, as I love the harmony I had in my relationship with my x-husband, because he had no temper and if he has no temper, I have no temper. He will never brought up the temper in me. With my x-dom, he did make me scream back many times. And it was weird, I swear in my entire life, I never had a screaming competition with any of my x-bfs, as I always chose men with no temper.

My x-husband defied my sexual requirements. That was the only requirement he defied really. What do you do when you meet a man is perfect compatibility in all ways, except in the bedroom? I gave up sex for my x-husband. I fear this will happen to me again. My x-husband could feel it, as one of the issues of my marriage is, he said he always feel like his sexually not enough for me. That's because of my enormous appetite for sex and has nothing to do with him being lacking. I just have a higher sex drive that can't be quench, and he took that internally and felt lacking in the sexual department for me. It was hard to always have to comfort him about that. When I met my x-dom, it was soo good in the sexual department, because he doesn't take anything internally. He could have played with me for 6 hours and fucked my brains out and given a billion orgasms already. And after his done, and I am ready to start playing with myself again, he doesn't get upset, tells me to sit on the couch beside the TV so he can watch TV and watch me too. He loves it. My high drive turns him on! That was the most amazing feeling in the world. Usually my sex drive turn men off. My x-husband would have been beating himself up for being so ineffectual that I still was not satisfied.

My x-dom was really my sexual soulmate, sexually, he understood everything perfectly and I felt so submissive towards him, I hate giving BJs, and no casual sex partners ever get BJs from me ever, but I crave for his dick in my mouth everyday, that's how he made me feel. And I yearn to feel that deep incredible sexual connection with someone again. For that, I think I can give up alot. It's like, his just the perfect man who knew exactly what to do with a woman like me and my sex drive, he knew and he delighted and indulged and used me for his pleasure thoroughly. And he took me and kept me by his side where-ever he went, as he needed his personal sex toy whenever he needs to use her. He was perfect for me in that aspect. But thinking about my relationship with him, it was my choice to end us, as in, if I had relocated with him, I would still be with him now. Even after he left, he still offered to send me a one way air ticket if I change my mind. But practical considerations took over. I'm still a very practical person end of the day.

So I avoid getting emotionally close to any man, UNTIL I ascertain he matches me in bed and loves sex as much as I do before I open my heart to possibilities.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 12/17/2014 3:45:09 PM >

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 36

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/23/2014 4:20:17 PM

Vjklander

Posts: 41
Joined: 3/28/2004
Status: offline

Anyone who comes to me is coming into my family. They must obey perfectly and be 100% devoted to me. Other than that, anything else is open to open to consideration.
Vjk

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 37

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/23/2014 4:31:55 PM

littleladybug

Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline

My last partner defied just about every "rule" that I had...

I moved to a city, sight unseen, to be closer to him. I willingly engaged in what was an 8 year "LDR". Fuck, I even took his dog into my home after he passed, in spite of my better judgment.

Now, I've learned simply, not to have "rules".

Or, I should say, any *compromises* that I make will be entirely situation-based.

I'd do it again...with the exception of the dog (maybe).

(in reply to Vjklander)

Post #: 38

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 12/31/2014 8:12:38 AM

LiveSpark

Posts: 808
Joined: 12/25/2014
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

This is not so much about making compromises or projected areas of compromise in your intimate relationships (http://www.collarchat.com/m_4740019/tm.htm) as it is about outright exceptions that you normally would not make.
1. When have you made an exception in choosing a partner, mate or Owner/pet that either panned out for you, or else backfired on you?
2. Would you do it again under the same or different circumstances?

1. I used to make an exception to my requirement that he be local. For various reasons it just hasn't worked out. It was so one way with me always travelling to him which is exhausting. However I found that with the distance between us it was far too easy for them to fuck with my head without fear of repercussions.
2. Doubtful, extremely doubtful. He would have to be exceptional, within a reasonable distance, and willing to come here as well as my going there. The time between meeting and starting a relationship would also be a whole lot longer.

_____________________________

I've been here as MontrealPhoenix, zephyr and
TheFireWithinMe.

I also have the sarcasm gene which is NOT to be taken seriously.

If you fall I'll always be there to catch you ~ Floor

(in reply to FieryOpal)

Post #: 39

RE: Making Exceptions in Your Choice of Partner--Yea or... - 1/2/2015 3:04:07 PM

MalcolmNathaniel

Posts: 1394
Joined: 9/20/2010
Status: offline

I want a perfectly obedient Orion slave-girl.

I might have to compromise a little bit.

(in reply to LiveSpark)

Post #: 40

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