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Motivation in the hands of another - 12/22/2014 6:04:21 PM

MRDRMN1985

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I'm curious if anyone else looks at being on the s side of D/s as a source of motivation for personal goals. Motivation is one of the things I probably think about more than anything else. Mainly because I've had times in my life when I've been highly motivated and moved toward everything I've wanted at a rocket's pace.

In every one of them, I was utterly enthralled by an assertive woman whom I wanted to put ahead of myself. Admittedly, not everything had anything to do with the woman in question, in fact most of it didn't. There has always been a line running through it though when I am in that state that is all about putting her needs first, even if (as was usually the case in the past) I was mortified that she might actually learn how I felt.

I motivate myself just fine without a woman in my life of course. Heck, I've fought and suppressed that desire to submit myself consciously every time that it's come up since it first got me back in high school.

When I motivate myself though, it is an act of will and feels like work (not a bad thing altogether of course), but if I let her do it to me, it is an act of submission. It is so easy to fall into it, and when I am in it, I am happier than any other time in my life.

But, when you give someone that sort of power, they can so easily cut it off and leave you feeling broken and alone. In those times, I've looked back at that hard work sort of willpower I've cultivated internally and said to myself: "You idiot. Why didn't you stick to the safe path?"

I guess that is why I've always fought it all these years. That broken moment always comes, and I always end up wishing I had not let someone else have such a powerful lever into my soul. Even now as I write this, it all comes back to me and I find myself wanting to fight all of this off, take on the safe, internal path, motivated by the one person I know I can count on and trust always: Myself.

And now I remember again why I am here. I walked that path for years. I became an expert at killing my emotions the moment I felt an inkling of desire.

Doing that didn't make me happy. Deep down, it wasn't what I really wanted to be.

I tell myself sometimes that it takes more courage to come back to this and take that risk again, but that inner voice is always there whispering: "When she tears your heart apart, you'll wish you had listened to me and fought it off."

That thought is probably right, but yet here I am thinking that the chance of being happy is worth more than the certainty of not being hurt.

I guess I am curious if anyone else can relate?

Edit: Fixed typo

< Message edited by MRDRMN1985 -- 12/22/2014 6:18:31 PM >

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RE: Motivation in the hands of another - 12/22/2014 8:40:03 PM

seekingreality

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When things have ended with a domme, I can't say I've felt any more "empty and broken" than when a vanilla relationship ends. Even in intensely rewarding sub-domme relationships, I don't lose perspective. Even though a relationship can enrich my life, it doesn't define my life. To me, life is about balance and even if I break up with a domme I have plenty of other stuff -- work, friends, volunteering, physical fitness, traveling.

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RE: Motivation in the hands of another - 12/23/2014 3:39:38 AM

MRDRMN1985

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Yes, there are always things to fall back on. I inevitably end up using them (mostly work in all its forms.) to provide the structure necessary to put the pieces back together. Still, for me, it is only a distraction. I've learned time is the only cure.

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RE: Motivation in the hands of another - 12/23/2014 6:37:21 AM

NookieNotes

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I will say this. I am more motivated when I am doing things for myself AND the people in my life than when I am doing things for just me.

Oxytocin is a HUGE motivator for me, as is seratonin, and the bonding they produce.

I can accomplish things on my own, sure. My creativity, productivity, and the ease with which things are accomplish skyrocket when I have a motivation outside myself, such as people I am responsible for.

Maybe not what you're looking for.

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RE: Motivation in the hands of another - 12/24/2014 9:36:39 AM

DesFIP

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If I understand correctly, you've used a woman to motivate you without her knowledge or agreement. Then when you stop seeing her, you feel abandoned.
However, if she hadn't consented to this, if she didn't agree to be your dominant, she didn't owe you anything. You were doing it all in your own mind without any input from her.

Don't do this.

Instead, get into a relationship with someone who identifies as a dominant woman and who wants you to submit to her. Don't do it in a vacuum.

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RE: Motivation in the hands of another - 12/24/2014 3:07:48 PM

MRDRMN1985

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In truth, I've not historically embraced the whole D/s side of it. I just tended to be attracted to women with authoritative qualities to them. Being attracted to someone in turn made me want to improve upon myself in order to be "worthy" in my own mind. That's how it started anyway.

I've also never claimed or expected that anyone owes me anything. It is, as you said, all in my head. I also wouldn't really describe it as feeling abandoned, it's mostly just that once reality sets in and I realize that she isn't what I thought she was, or there was no chance to begin with, etc. that I lose that sense of motivation, which I had become dependent upon, and that combined with the feeling of rejection is what hurts.

As you said, it is probably not the healthiest of things to do it internally, and I'm finally starting to take steps toward finding a Domme with a compatible mindset who would be willing to let me indulge that side of my personality in her service.

Still, you are probably right about not dedicating myself to an individual without their knowledge or consent. Because I don't have an appropriate Domme to dedicate myself to at current, I am focusing on the sort of qualities I would want in an idealized Domme, and trying to dedicate myself toward being worthy of someone who encompasses them. It's pretty hard to feel motivated by an abstract concept though, and I have a tendency to put a face on it.

Still, what you've said has merit. It does seem wrong to use someone, even symbolically for motivation without their consent. I should learn to dedicate myself to a Domme as she is, and not to some fantasy I might make up.

I'll have to break myself of that tendency.

< Message edited by MRDRMN1985 -- 12/24/2014 3:21:13 PM >

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RE: Motivation in the hands of another - 12/24/2014 3:45:37 PM

NookieNotes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MRDRMN1985

I should learn to dedicate myself to a Domme as she is, and not to some fantasy I might make up.

I'll have to break myself of that tendency.

It's a good idea, always, to learn to love people for who they actually are, not who you want them to be. Unfulfilled expectations are the death of love.

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