Aftercare, how much, how little. (Full Version)

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Janus69 -> Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/27/2014 4:29:04 PM)

Today I had my first session with a new mistress. As ordered, I put binder rings on both of my nipples, removed the handles so that they could not be easily removed, and went to the store to pick up some alligator clips. Unfortunately they were out, so after having the binder clips yanked off with a string she ordered me to use jumper cables (not connected to anything) in the stead of the clips I was unable to find. At this point, both of my nipples were raw, bleeding, and extremely sensitive, so within seconds of applying full pressure on one nipple I nearly passed out.

This angered mistress quite a bit, and it most certainly affected the quality of aftercare. She did not offer consolation, even though I was feeling very down on myself for having failed. I proposed cock torture to make her feel better, but she was having none of it. Now I find myself questioning if I should have done something more, but Mistress has gone to bed and I dare not disturb her. The lack of answers is disturbing me, so I now come to you.

My question to you is this:
Am I just being too much of a sissy boy, or should Mistress have done more? Was her disregard of my physical and emotional state justified or should there have been an in depth discussion?

I have a background as a Dom, but aftercare has always been a critical strut in the foundations of past relationships. Are my attitudes as a dominant influencing these perceptions of my new mistress, or do I have cause for alarm. Once she is awake, and her mood improved, I plan to discuss this with her in great depth, but I wanted to get the opinions of people other than my inner Top and inner bottom before I went running my mouth.

Thank you for reading. I look forward to seeing your thoughts on the matter.




DarkSteven -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/27/2014 4:52:17 PM)

It's none of our business. This is between you and her.

If you feel that you're not being given what you need, it doesn't mean a damn thing what we think.

That said, "Was her disregard of my physical and emotional state justified" is a pretty biased way to out it. In my case, if a play session gets delayed, something's gonna give, and it may be something that my sub wanted.

Just tell her that you would like to get more aftercare, and ask what you could do to ensure you get it. And FFS, it's your first session with her. It's to be expected that you two have to work stuff out.




orgasmdenial12 -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/27/2014 5:57:28 PM)

I, personally, would drop her on her ass. Her play sounds unsafe, ill-prepared and emotionally upsetting. Does she have any actual experience? Had you discussed limits and tolerances with her? What was your safeword, if any?

I used to get unsafe play recommendations all the time. Now I copy and paste them into my Book of Stupid and laugh them off. The internet is full of idiot Dom/mes, it's finding the good ones that's the challenge.




LiveSpark -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/27/2014 6:09:20 PM)

Personally never mind aftercare I would stay the hell away from her. She doesn't seem to know what she's doing and I worry that she might seriously injure you. I suspect she has little if any experience and may have started playing without having taken the time to learn how to do things safely.




Janus69 -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/27/2014 7:47:12 PM)

Thanks for offering talking points y'all.




FieryOpal -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/28/2014 12:23:30 AM)

Brackets mine
quote:

ORIGINAL: Janus69

[A] Today I had my first session with a new mistress.

[B] At this point, both of my nipples were raw, bleeding, and extremely sensitive, so within seconds of applying full pressure on one nipple I nearly passed out.

[C] This angered mistress quite a bit, and it most certainly affected the quality of aftercare. She did not offer consolation, even though I was feeling very down on myself for having failed. I proposed cock torture to make her feel better, but she was having none of it.

[D] Am I just being too much of a sissy boy, or should Mistress have done more? Was her disregard of my physical and emotional state justified or should there have been an in depth discussion?

[E] I have a background as a Dom, but aftercare has always been a critical strut in the foundations of past relationships.

*Groan* So much to say, so little time...
(Ref Item A) Let me ask you this, how long have you known your "new" Mistress? You are a S/switch, so I am wondering whether your new Domme has collared you as her sub (implying ownership) or whether she just sees you as her play partner bitch? I would like to get a feel for your commitment level with this woman, whom you are eager to refer to as your Mistress. Because, I'm inclined to agree with this...

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

I, personally, would drop her on her ass. Her play sounds unsafe, ill-prepared and emotionally upsetting. Does she have any actual experience? Had you discussed limits and tolerances with her? What was your safeword, if any?

I used to get unsafe play recommendations all the time....

(Ref Items B&C)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

Personally never mind aftercare I would stay the hell away from her. She doesn't seem to know what she's doing and I worry that she might seriously injure you. I suspect she has little if any experience and may have started playing without having taken the time to learn how to do things safely.

B. Why didn't you safe word?
And if this is related to Item C, then why would you choose to deal with a Domme, any Dominant, who doesn't have enough self-control to not become angered with a new sub and appears to not be practicing BDSM in a safe manner. Was there any warm-up? You might have to explain to your Domme for her own enlightenment, that warm-up periods are in order as is aftercare. It sounds as if she is totally oblivious to these vital components. Then I would heartily recommend cutting all ties with this woman, since she more than likely won't take kindly to being told what to do (which is how she will probably see it).
C. (cont'd) She set you (and herself) up to fail. This isn't D/s or acts of consensual BDSM. This is a recipe for abuse and abusive co-dependency.

D. You both should have been having and continue to have in-depth discussions about anything and everything. Beware of any Dominant who isn't willing to communicate and respect your limits each step of the way. Btw, limits aren't limited to what has already been covered. Nobody can anticipate what s/he will encounter while scening.

E. You're only 21. I'm not being critical, but just how much experience can you have had as a Top in these few short years? (Don't answer to more than 3 so that we don't violate TOS for this site.) You know about aftercare. Would you have treated a sub of yours in this fashion? No, it sounds as if you wouldn't have been this irresponsible. Why would you then shortchange or second-guess yourself?

Quite frankly, this wannabe Mistress doesn't deserve you, and you can do better. Next time, don't jump into a full-blown scene the first time with a new Domme, and develop a trusting relationship with your next play partner without sub fever and Domme fever leading you by the d!ck. At the very minimum, ask yourself whether this person would be trustworthy as a friend who cares about your well-being and vice versa.




freedomdwarf1 -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/28/2014 5:14:39 AM)

[sm=goodpost.gif][sm=agree.gif]




LiveSpark -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/28/2014 5:39:08 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal

Brackets mine
quote:

ORIGINAL: Janus69

[A] Today I had my first session with a new mistress.

[B] At this point, both of my nipples were raw, bleeding, and extremely sensitive, so within seconds of applying full pressure on one nipple I nearly passed out.

[C] This angered mistress quite a bit, and it most certainly affected the quality of aftercare. She did not offer consolation, even though I was feeling very down on myself for having failed. I proposed cock torture to make her feel better, but she was having none of it.

[D] Am I just being too much of a sissy boy, or should Mistress have done more? Was her disregard of my physical and emotional state justified or should there have been an in depth discussion?

[E] I have a background as a Dom, but aftercare has always been a critical strut in the foundations of past relationships.

*Groan* So much to say, so little time...
(Ref Item A) Let me ask you this, how long have you known your "new" Mistress? You are a S/switch, so I am wondering whether your new Domme has collared you as her sub (implying ownership) or whether she just sees you as her play partner bitch? I would like to get a feel for your commitment level with this woman, whom you are eager to refer to as your Mistress. Because, I'm inclined to agree with this...

quote:

ORIGINAL: orgasmdenial12

I, personally, would drop her on her ass. Her play sounds unsafe, ill-prepared and emotionally upsetting. Does she have any actual experience? Had you discussed limits and tolerances with her? What was your safeword, if any?

I used to get unsafe play recommendations all the time....

(Ref Items B&C)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LiveSpark

Personally never mind aftercare I would stay the hell away from her. She doesn't seem to know what she's doing and I worry that she might seriously injure you. I suspect she has little if any experience and may have started playing without having taken the time to learn how to do things safely.

B. Why didn't you safe word?
And if this is related to Item C, then why would you choose to deal with a Domme, any Dominant, who doesn't have enough self-control to not become angered with a new sub and appears to not be practicing BDSM in a safe manner. Was there any warm-up? You might have to explain to your Domme for her own enlightenment, that warm-up periods are in order as is aftercare. It sounds as if she is totally oblivious to these vital components. Then I would heartily recommend cutting all ties with this woman, since she more than likely won't take kindly to being told what to do (which is how she will probably see it).
C. (cont'd) She set you (and herself) up to fail. This isn't D/s or acts of consensual BDSM. This is a recipe for abuse and abusive co-dependency.

D. You both should have been having and continue to have in-depth discussions about anything and everything. Beware of any Dominant who isn't willing to communicate and respect your limits each step of the way. Btw, limits aren't limited to what has already been covered. Nobody can anticipate what s/he will encounter while scening.

E. You're only 21. I'm not being critical, but just how much experience can you have had as a Top in these few short years? (Don't answer to more than 3 so that we don't violate TOS for this site.) You know about aftercare. Would you have treated a sub of yours in this fashion? No, it sounds as if you wouldn't have been this irresponsible. Why would you then shortchange or second-guess yourself?

Quite frankly, this wannabe Mistress doesn't deserve you, and you can do better. Next time, don't jump into a full-blown scene the first time with a new Domme, and develop a trusting relationship with your next play partner without sub fever and Domme fever leading you by the d!ck. At the very minimum, ask yourself whether this person would be trustworthy as a friend who cares about your well-being and vice versa.


Brilliant absolutely brilliant. This post should be required reading for every bottom, sub, and slave just starting out. As someone who was once fooled by someone claiming to have experience I wish someone had told me what you just posted BEFORE I got involved with them, it would have saved me a lot of needless pain (the bad kind) and feelings of having failed him.




Lucylastic -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/28/2014 5:55:42 AM)

FO 's response was perfect.
Im just adding my two cents.
When I had a first "play" scene with a submissive man, I never drew blood, but I spent more time doing aftercare than the actual scene.
If you are in a pay for play situation where blood was agreed I would STILL be pissed off as a bottom that you were "denied" a chance to discuss it.
Mind you....offering cock torture as a solution, probably wasnt a good idea, especially if you enjoy the pain.
It screams do-me, but on the other hand, I dont know the relationship you had with her.
I wouldnt do what she did, but then again, Im a consent only sadist that loves the aftercare.
Breaking my toys is not my idea of a fun time.






MariaB -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/28/2014 12:52:58 PM)

The first thing I want to say to you Janus is, great name, fantastic picture and a refreshingly well worded profile. Now I've finished drooling I'll answer your question.

After care is of course subjective. Some submissives enjoy lots of after care, others prefer little to no after care at all. One of the things that concerns me about this particular Mistress and the scenario you describe is, she hurt you and injured you to the extent of bleeding and nearly fainting and then took it upon herself to be angry with you. What's more she is as new to you as you are to her. When you reached that moment in the scene where you felt faint and clearly wasn't coping, that is the moment she needed to sit with you, reassure you and make sure you were okay. A normal person/Mistress needs to also reassure themselves and not just you and that is why good after care is equally important to her as well as you.

I'm a sadist but if I took my submissive to the point she took you to, whether he liked after care or not, he's going to get it because I need to know he's okay. FFS this is consensual; this is about sadism/masochism within a BDSM role and not the sort of sadism we see on mental health forums.

I've known a lot of great sadists and I've known one sadistic woman who clearly shouldn't of been dominating men. Sorry to say this but this is the sort of thing she would of done.

Yes, you need to talk and you need to do this on equal levels. If she can't do that then you need to forget her and stay well away. Sadly there are some mental sadists that use the scene for their own gratification and they are dangerous people.




FieryOpal -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/29/2014 1:52:05 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic
<snip>
I wouldnt do what she did, but then again, Im a consent only sadist that loves the aftercare.
Breaking my toys is not my idea of a fun time.

Whatever kind of relationship you have with a Dominant-Top, it boils down to this: How does she treat her toys? To one degree or another, whether D/s collared or a routinely scheduled BDSM play partner, you're going to be a Domme's boytoy.

What any sub-bottom should find out ahead of time is a Domme's track record on how she treats her toys, and why does she have an opening for a new sub? Does she treat them with care or does she mistreat them?

I'm also like you Lucy, and Maria, in that I go all out on aftercare. It also affords an intimate bonding opportunity which should never go to waste.
Males will sometimes shoo-shoo this as not being necessary and brush it off, that they're *tough* enough not to need it.
Ha, that's about as effective on me as my kitties trying to struggle to get away from being swooped up and smooched on. Goes with the territory of being my owned pet.

Lucy, I can't give you the Internet, so this will have to do. [:)] Bonne Année!

[image]local://upfiles/1774587/69D0B9423B2F49CCAE5FCDE02F490BD9.jpg[/image]




Gauge -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/29/2014 6:58:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Janus69

Today I had my first session with a new mistress. As ordered, I put binder rings on both of my nipples, removed the handles so that they could not be easily removed, and went to the store to pick up some alligator clips. Unfortunately they were out, so after having the binder clips yanked off with a string she ordered me to use jumper cables (not connected to anything) in the stead of the clips I was unable to find. At this point, both of my nipples were raw, bleeding, and extremely sensitive, so within seconds of applying full pressure on one nipple I nearly passed out.



Jumper cables? Jumper cables? What the fuck. Most will take a nipple clean off. That is fucking dangerous.

quote:

This angered mistress quite a bit, and it most certainly affected the quality of aftercare. She did not offer consolation, even though I was feeling very down on myself for having failed. I proposed cock torture to make her feel better, but she was having none of it. Now I find myself questioning if I should have done something more, but Mistress has gone to bed and I dare not disturb her. The lack of answers is disturbing me, so I now come to you.


What angered her? Placing you in danger of passing out or that you didn't take a nipple clean off?

What would you have done more to please her? Emergency surgery to remove your spleen... with no anesthesia?

quote:

My question to you is this:
Am I just being too much of a sissy boy, or should Mistress have done more?


Sure. Sissy. Wind up in the hospital for a Mistress that doesn't give a flying fuck about you.

She should throw herself in front of a moving train.

quote:

I have a background as a Dom, but aftercare has always been a critical strut in the foundations of past relationships. Are my attitudes as a dominant influencing these perceptions of my new mistress, or do I have cause for alarm.


Alarm? No. 911 on speed dial? Yes.

quote:

Once she is awake, and her mood improved, I plan to discuss this with her in great depth, but I wanted to get the opinions of people other than my inner Top and inner bottom before I went running my mouth.


Discuss this with her while she wears jumper cables on her nipples. See if she can remain conscious.

quote:

Thank you for reading. I look forward to seeing your thoughts on the matter.


You're welcome.




Lucylastic -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/29/2014 7:00:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: FieryOpal


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lucylastic
<snip>
I wouldnt do what she did, but then again, Im a consent only sadist that loves the aftercare.
Breaking my toys is not my idea of a fun time.

Whatever kind of relationship you have with a Dominant-Top, it boils down to this: How does she treat her toys? To one degree or another, whether D/s collared or a routinely scheduled BDSM play partner, you're going to be a Domme's boytoy.

What any sub-bottom should find out ahead of time is a Domme's track record on how she treats her toys, and why does she have an opening for a new sub? Does she treat them with care or does she mistreat them?

I'm also like you Lucy, and Maria, in that I go all out on aftercare. It also affords an intimate bonding opportunity which should never go to waste.
Males will sometimes shoo-shoo this as not being necessary and brush it off, that they're *tough* enough not to need it.
Ha, that's about as effective on me as my kitties trying to struggle to get away from being swooped up and smooched on. Goes with the territory of being my owned pet.

Lucy, I can't give you the Internet, so this will have to do. [:)] Bonne Année!

[image]local://upfiles/1774587/69D0B9423B2F49CCAE5FCDE02F490BD9.jpg[/image]

Awesome Thank you Fiery:) Bonne Annee to you too, Everyone have an awesome 2015!




Janus69 -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/31/2014 12:24:25 AM)

Thank you all for taking the time to provide me with some food for thought. For the time being, things seem on the up-swing after airing my concerns.




DarkSteven -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (12/31/2014 4:36:40 AM)

Glad to hear it. Communication sometimes works wonders.




MariaB -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (1/1/2015 8:25:21 AM)

Glad you got things sorted and thanks for getting back to us Janus.




Lucylastic -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (1/1/2015 8:36:35 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Janus69

Thank you all for taking the time to provide me with some food for thought. For the time being, things seem on the up-swing after airing my concerns.

yay for you:)
Good luck ..
Happy New year and hope you stay around on the forums




LiveSpark -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (1/1/2015 8:39:20 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Janus69

Thank you all for taking the time to provide me with some food for thought. For the time being, things seem on the up-swing after airing my concerns.


I'm really happy to hear that, good luck. Posting here was a great idea, not only were you helped, your post probably helped others who have been in your position.




GoddessManko -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (1/1/2015 9:29:49 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Janus69

Today I had my first session with a new mistress. As ordered, I put binder rings on both of my nipples, removed the handles so that they could not be easily removed, and went to the store to pick up some alligator clips. Unfortunately they were out, so after having the binder clips yanked off with a string she ordered me to use jumper cables (not connected to anything) in the stead of the clips I was unable to find. At this point, both of my nipples were raw, bleeding, and extremely sensitive, so within seconds of applying full pressure on one nipple I nearly passed out.

This angered mistress quite a bit, and it most certainly affected the quality of aftercare. She did not offer consolation, even though I was feeling very down on myself for having failed. I proposed cock torture to make her feel better, but she was having none of it. Now I find myself questioning if I should have done something more, but Mistress has gone to bed and I dare not disturb her. The lack of answers is disturbing me, so I now come to you.

My question to you is this:
Am I just being too much of a sissy boy, or should Mistress have done more? Was her disregard of my physical and emotional state justified or should there have been an in depth discussion?

I have a background as a Dom, but aftercare has always been a critical strut in the foundations of past relationships. Are my attitudes as a dominant influencing these perceptions of my new mistress, or do I have cause for alarm. Once she is awake, and her mood improved, I plan to discuss this with her in great depth, but I wanted to get the opinions of people other than my inner Top and inner bottom before I went running my mouth.

Thank you for reading. I look forward to seeing your thoughts on the matter.


You both sounded like you were experimenting with each other for the most part. I feel like she is probably young like you. At that age my style of domination was extremely self serving. But luckily, my boys didn't bruise easily either. Some people won't get welts where others would bleed profusely. You need to be aware of your own sensitivity levels in regards to pain and what toys are off limits to you until your body toughens. Skin gets tougher after a bruise, bones get tougher after a fracture and so on. You don't go headfirst into a scene without having some awareness of what partner has tried, is curious about and how well you can handle it. This means both of you. Also when there is bleeding your primary worry should be an infection. It should be bandaged and sanitized properly. If I am correct and she's learning as well you should probably opt for a safe word.




preytolife -> RE: Aftercare, how much, how little. (1/4/2015 2:24:00 PM)

Ehhh, yeah that doesn't sound good.

You can cause permanent damage to nipples. Careful with that. I wouldn't stay with anyone that got angry based on something going wrong in a scene. And if you need more aftercare then that's what you need and you should make that a priority. There is no too much/too little aftercare, it's what you need and want and what your partners are willing and able to give. There's never any excuse for disregarding the well being of your partners.




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