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wannapleez -> RE: Please help me understand (1/3/2015 9:21:58 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: metaforce
-I did watch Chasing Amy and, well, I'm trying to learn from Holden and Silent Bob's mistakes. I think someone's past is a stupid reason to break up, so I'd much rather come to terms with it.
Silent Bob broke up over Amy's past. But I pointed to Holden, who tried to "come to terms" with Alyssa's past by changing who he was. Of the two men, Bob was merely the less stupid.
You say that she is a former slave who doesn't want a BDSM relationship, but still (essentially) likes certain aspects of the lifestyle. I think that you are over-thinking this some. You say that you want to "understand the slave mindset" to better relate to her, but that communication of this idea upsets both of you. So, Step 1 should be: stop trying to "understand the slave mindset", as this is obviously NOT how to relate to her. (This was another of Holden's mistakes: he tried to ascribe to the current Alyssa everything from her past. And wrap his brain around that. And then try to change himself accordingly.)
By trying to "understand the slave mindset", you may very well be unintentionally communicating that you are trying to become a Dom. And seeing as how she specifically doesn't want a BDSM relationship with you, I can see where that would be upsetting to her.
If I had to venture a guess (based on your statement that she "still is and always has been turned on by dominance"), she may want to bring certain aspects of the lifestyle into your relationship (because she resonates with them), but not the entire dynamic. Now, this is going to require communication -- and if you can't communicate at all, then the relationship is already over.
Don't come at it from the angle of trying to "understand the slave mindset". Approach it in a piecemeal fashion. What is, for example, an activity that she enjoyed with her former Dom that she might enjoy with you as well? Does she like the sex rough at times? Does she like to be tied up? Spanked?
(And before anyone goes ape-shit on me, I know that BDSM is a lot more than just that, nor do all BDSM relationships contain that kind of stuff. Again, I am citing examples of small pieces that may translate over.)
None of that stuff makes you a Dom or the relationship automatically be BDSM. It just makes things a bit kinkier than the average vanilla relationship.
If you've still got the stamina to read on (nobody ever accused me of brevity, damn it), let me close with an illustration.
I am by nature a pleaser. This often (but not always) translates well into being a sub. One day, on another site, I met another sub. She had been in BDSM relationships before, but was having no luck in that department of late. Even partners that presented themselves as good Dom material quickly fizzled into vanilla. She was getting desperate.
After a couple months of commiseration, I really started to care about her and wanted her to be happy/fulfilled/etc. And so, having no experience whatsoever in being on the dominant side of the equation, I offered to try to Dom her, largely based on the idea of doing to her what had been done to me as a sub. And she took me up on the offer. (Turns out that she was kinda hinting at it, anyway -- I just was too dumb to see the clues.)
I still wasn't a Dom, by any stretch -- in fact, it was largely a "service top" kind of thing. I was doing everything that I did out of the same motivation that makes me a sub -- the desire to please. And I got lots of pleasure out of the first few times together from the sheer fact that I was pleasing her. Eventually, I started enjoying what I was doing in and of itself. But to this day, I would never consider myself a Dom, and would only consider myself a switch with her.
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