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RE: Poof Boys.... - 7/19/2006 7:35:57 PM

DreamyLadySnow

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michaelGA2,

I would.

LS

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 7/27/2006 7:25:37 AM

kissmike

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistrssM

I am curious how many Mistresses have come across these....

Poof Boys are submissives who approach you....actively seek your attention.... they do their best to say all the right things,....and for the most part seem sincere in what they seek... they gain your attention..
and then POOF...one day they just disappear on you.. for various reasons.....

My instincts have grown enough to weed most of these out....see the red flags...... but I had one who did it to me very early on......in his case he was not ready to come to terms with his kink....a kink closet case who was running from himself.

anyone else have this Poof Boy experience they care to share... or insights into the reasons...

Any subs ever poof?

I notice there is quite a bit of analysis of the "poof boys"....Why not take a second to reflect on what or why You may have contributed to the interaction that may have caused the boy to poof?! Let's hear what You have after taking an honest look at Your side of the issue.

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 7/27/2006 9:30:25 AM

chgosubmale

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There are a probably a few different varieties of these.

Some are just surfing online for curiosity, a joke, or a quick jerk off session. There's not much that can be done about those.

Some are curious and sincerely interested, but can't make the next step (a subset of the next group I'm going to talk about)

And assuming the person was genuine to start with, it is almost a truism that men are basically cowards when it comes to break off relationships. Few men can just outright say they are no longer interested. Perhaps it really is cowardice, but also to some extent male socialization is against men expressing their feelings in any case. The disappearing act is frequently a method used by vanilla men to break up with someone they can actually bear to face. In fairness, many women react very badly to this sort of thing - crying fits, yelling, demanding that he try to work it out - so there's often some actual unpleasantness to avoid.

The other common tactic after disappearing is to start acting like such a jerk that she dumps you. It's a type of relationship judo.

Also, guys often provide many signals that they are really not interested, but these are frequently picked up or interpreted correct, despite the reputed better emotional sensitivity of women. If a man starts expressing any doubts about compatibility or wondering whether or not he is really able to please you, there's a good chance he's signalling that he'd really appreciate it if you would break this thing off gracefully, so he doesn't have to.

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 7/27/2006 9:34:42 AM

michaelGA2

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well, there' one vote for me to remain...thank You, Ma'am. You're one in (tries to count the number of people on CM) however many there are.

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 7/27/2006 10:24:58 AM

TeeGO

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I much prefer to go:

Ta Daaaaa!

Well, maybe someday.

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/12/2006 3:51:18 AM

maledave777

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I agree with Miss Dianna Vesta. When I was first seeking a dominant woman a few years ago, I would soar high. I realize now that for a D/s relationship to work you need to bring it into the real world. I think some boys see a dominant woman dress in leather and carrying a whip. I know I did back then. Now I see a dominant woman as another person. We share some common interest together. I realize for the relationship to work you have to be able to live day to day together. That is not to say you cannot have some interesting moments together. I do not mind things “vanilla”. She does not have to wear leather to get my attention just have this look in her eye saying, “Don’t even go there.”

I got a nice bowl of ice cream. Now where did I put the chocolate syrup?

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/12/2006 9:24:20 AM

LadyEllen

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Hmmmm. A "poof" here in UK is a not so well intentioned word for a gay man, but there we go!

Doesnt stop many from poofing in a cloud of dust though
E

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/20/2006 5:00:35 PM

BraceletMe

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I need to post in the thread "Poof Girls" but I guess this will have to do...

Haven't read all of the posts yet - will do so after I write about my own experiences - but will be interested to see what others have had to say.

But, on the subject, it is amazing to me how I will be talking with someone (some combination of e-mail and chat) and then all of a sudden...yup, poof, they are gone, never to be heard from again.

Two most recent examples - a domme from Thailand initiates contact with me and I get something like 23 emails or chats with her in about 31 days. I mean, it's a situation where I'm seriously thinking about flying to Bangkok in the relatively near future to meet her and even considering relocating there (if I can't get her to come here instead, which she seemed open to). And we really didn't have any disagreements at all, we talked about both bdsm and other things and I seemed to have the personal qualities she was looking for (that were missing in her last relationship). And then, just like that, never heard from her again.

Most recent - sent an e-mail to someone here on CollarMe and she writes me back saying that she is "very interested" in chatting with me and we meet online this past Sunday. We chat for less than five minutes (and didn't get to the point of talking about anything substantial) and she said she had to go and asked if I could meet her back online in 2 hours. I was there and she never came back and she didn't respond to a couple of messages I left for her the next day and that appears to be that. I just don't get what is going on with some (or all?) of these people. I mean, in this case, why respond to my e-mail in the first place and then go back and forth with me on Sunday to set each other up as friends on YIM and then just blow it off? And she has on her profile that she thinks communication, honesty and respect are necessary in a Mistress/slave relationship.

Over the years, I think everytime I've exchanged e-mails with a "domme" more than a few times, this is how it ends. All of a sudden - poof! That's it, just like that.

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/20/2006 5:15:39 PM

BraceletMe

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quote:

ORIGINAL: peterK50

Um...I've never gone "Poof"..Here I am...Hello? See.... This is what many male slaves get.....ignored. Then Dommes say there aren't any good ones out there or they never show up, or they go "Poof". If a boy doesn't stick around perhaps you should choose more carefully.

Well said - especially the part about the domme complaining about not being able to find anyone. In my case, I rarely write to someone who I don't think I would be compatible with (exception being, sometimes I will write to someone much younger because I like their profile, realizing I probably won't hear back from them). And my profile is extensive enough, that she will already know enough about me to form her own opinion about me as well. Anyway, it just gets me when I talk to someone and she says how important honesty, loyalty, openness, etc are (and I am all of those things) and in reality it doesn't seem important to her at all, the way she suddenly goes "poof!" I realize those aren't the only things that matter but I guess what gets tiring is you sometimes feel like you are 19 of the 20 things she is looking for but she will always search and search and eventually come up with some kind of reason for nothing to happen.

I have to edit this as irony of ironies there is actually a post from a domme (talking about subs going poof on her) in this thread who went "poof!" on me! It was a minor poof as we didn't get that far but still...I won't name her (what would be the point?).

< Message edited by BraceletMe -- 9/20/2006 5:19:37 PM >

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/20/2006 5:54:28 PM

joyinslavery

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quote:

ORIGINAL: peterK50

Um...I've never gone "Poof"..Here I am...Hello? See.... This is what many male slaves get.....ignored. Then Dommes say there aren't any good ones out there or they never show up, or they go "Poof". If a boy doesn't stick around perhaps you should choose more carefully.

Since this thread was brought back from the dead, let me second, no, third peterK50.

Perhaps you should choose more carefully...and stop complaining.

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/20/2006 8:17:37 PM

Misstoyou

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BraceletMe

I have to edit this as irony of ironies there is actually a post from a domme (talking about subs going poof on her) in this thread who went "poof!" on me! It was a minor poof as we didn't get that far but still...I won't name her (what would be the point?).

Sorry to hear, Brian, but so nice to read for a change somebody *not* trying to round up a posse for a public lynching because they were wronged.

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/20/2006 9:40:14 PM

LASub4Real

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I guess it's obvious that this is a BIG online phenomenon.

I wonder if anyone has poof stories of real-world/non-internet connections?

But I do understand the temptation. Who hasn't been in a job, a situation, a relationship, and thought to themselves, "If there was only a button I could push to make this all go away!" The problem is that online, the button actually exists!

LAsub

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/22/2006 8:03:51 PM

undergroundsea

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I think poofing is a human phenomenon versus one associated with any gender or role. Upon reading the thread I have been reflecting on why it occurs and here are some ideas that come to mind.

I think how a relationship--in whichever stage--fares depends on satisfaction one derives from the relationship weighed against the energy required by the relationship. I think this balance can be dynamic and sometimes poofing occurs when this balance goes south.

I have never stood someone up for a meeting and then disappeared. However, I have been part of a dialogue that subsided where I stopped writing. I don't remember ever completely ignoring emails in a running dialogue. However, the time to respond sometimes goes up, or the response reduces to small talk or formality versus an engaging conversation. This sometimes occurs when the interpersonal compatibility, BDSM compatibility, or the situational compatibility (the other person is attached, not local, seeking different things, etc) appears weak and not headed in any direction. That is, the balance between the reward felt and the energy needed leans towards poofing or, at least, stepping back a bit. I have been at each end of this situation.

I think sometimes poofing occurs when the level of interest appears to have become assymetrical between two people.

Sometimes poofing occurs because of change in circumstances; someone curious about BDSM needs to figure out what their deal is; or perhaps someone more compatible comes into the picture.

I think sometimes poofing occurs because one is trying to force a relationship for the sake of a relationship wanted at the expense of suppressing a feeling that the compatibility is moderate or low. Eventually, the lack of compatibility overwhelms the want to force a relationship.

In any case, I think poofing is usually an action that delivers a message consciously or subconsciously; it is saying that the interest level and circumstances do not create a want for continued or, at least, frequent dialogue. While compassionate, frank communication may be a better approach, I think poofing is the easier route out and is what occurs more frequently across people.

I can remember two instances of a young dialogue where I stopped writing just because I had not written for a while, and I felt that I was expected to write regularly. The perception about this expectation on behalf of the other may have indeed been a misperception. And in each case, general state of being busy (a trip and catching up with things for being away, holidays) is what first caused the gap in communication. Then time just passed. Not having written in a while made the step to write after a long gap seem a bit awkward.....

Umm. Hi! I know I haven't written in a couple of months after short period of a few, frequent exchanges...but umm....how's it going?

;-)

The reason to not have written regularly was not because of complete lack of interest, but that the interest level and overall compatibility did not suggest or motivate a regular, frequent conversation.

On a related note about frequency of conversation, I think sometimes it can be healthy in the early stages of a courtship for each person to not immediately respond upon reading an email (it can easily become multiple messages a day!). Frequent messages back and forth may become odd if everything else needed for that frequency of communication is not yet there. Also, when two people have been responding immediately on an on-going basis and eventually demands on time begin to catch up, the sudden departure from that routine without discussion would feel odd. Some things taste better when cooked slowly, some have the right ingredients to use high heat.

So that's my take. I would love to hear from someone who has a different take for the sake of hearing different perspectives.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 9/22/2006 8:10:41 PM >

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/23/2006 10:38:13 AM

MysticFireTopaz

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I have noticed a few different types of poofing. There is the type where a sub gradually disappears after a period of time, as described in Sea's post. This happened to Me recently with an out-of-state sub. While W/we are a great match as far as BDSM goes, W/we really don't have all that much in common outside of the lifestyle. W/we talked on the phone a few times, corresponded by e-mail for a few months, then the communicaton just got less and less and kind of died off. Technically the ball is in his court as to who is supposed to write next, but I honestly don't expect to hear from him. At some point, he would have to spend a few hundred dollars to meet Me in person to see if there is chemisty or not, and I don't think most people (unless desperate) would be willing to do that unless they sensed a strong connection. I really have no hard feelings toward him and just see this as a natural progression when the connection is not strong enough to warrant the next step (his spending a few hundred dollars and a few days of time to come here to visit). This type of poofing really doesn't bother Me at all. What would bother Me is if he resurfaced after several months and tried to start something up again out of the blue (which has happened with other subs). This would give Me the impression that he had been out "Domme-grazing" and couldn't find a better offer, so he's looking in My direction again.

On the other hand, there is another type of poofing that annoys Me a great deal. This is generally with a sub who has expressed a strong interest and desire to meet, then gets cold feet and and suddenly disappears. This happened to Me a few months ago. A sub had recently moved to the area, saw My profile, and expressed a strong interest. We corresponded for a while, talked on the phone, then he told Me he wanted to meet Me and suggested W/we meet for coffee. The way W/we left it was that I was to phone him at 11:00 A.M. on a particular Sunday morning, and W/we would make plans as to where to meet that day. Well, I called that number several times and got no answer. So I went to write to him on Collarme, only to find he had deleted his profile so I could not write to him! What he forgot to do is block Me from the e-mail address he had given Me, so I wrote to him there and told him off. Needless to say, no response. I find this type of poofing extremely rude and annoying. I had set aside My afternoon to meet him as W/we agreed, and there were other things I could have planned for that day. This is not at all unusual, and some of My Domme friends have had subs so rude that they actually stood them up (which, by the way, is why I confirm beforehand--saves time and gas).

Honestly, if these subs had a change of heart, they could have dropped the Domme a line. I have had a few subs admit to Me that they changed their minds about getting involved in the lifestyle at this point in their lives, and I respected their honesty.

So I guess the gradual, over-time, poofing doesn't bother Me that much, but the ones who go "poof" after making specific plans and not having the courtesty to apology or explain annoy Me greatly.

Lady Topaz

< Message edited by MysticFireTopaz -- 9/23/2006 10:52:52 AM >

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/24/2006 11:04:19 AM

MistressSassy66

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It happens from time to time.
Reasons.I think they get scared,arnt serious to begin with and just enjoy the chase.
Sometimes they are so new that once they find out more,they see its not their cup of tea.I also think some of them just use the chat for wank material,they get off on the idea of it not wanting to actually doing it.

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RE: Poof Boys.... - 9/26/2006 6:58:39 PM

contentkitty