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kinkyAbstract -> RE: For the socially awkward male submissives (6/12/2015 1:10:20 AM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: NookieNotes
kinkyAbstract, I'm going to respond to your posting and make some points, because there were all sorts of red flags for me in your post and profile.
I would like to state that I am not picking on you. I am pointing out things that may be worth thinking on, if you want to improve your results, based on my opinion only, as a dominant woman. You may, of course, take it another way. I'm sorry, if that's the case.
quote:
ORIGINAL: kinkyAbstract
But with the amount of men that have ruined any chance a serious submissive male could have online.
I have met quite a few wonderful submissive men online. Every single (local) message in my inbox has has much chance as any other. Distance is not my thing. *shrugs*
Complaint #1.
quote:
And with the new "Mistress" seeking to take advantage of the opportunities it presents concerning the desperate men that inhabit perhaps ever corner of the internet itself, the dynamics are no longer so simple.
Complaint #2
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How can You expect submissive men to be spending so much time attempting to woo a Mistress that may be as fake as the men we now have to prove that we are not.
Lets look at it from the other side, shall we? You said in your first complaint that "the amount of kinky men," and yet, here you complain that we take our time making you prove yourself.
Do you know how many messages a dominant woman gets on a site like this? Sometimes 80-100 in a day. And those "kinky men," while truthfully kinky, are often not any more real than the male-as-female profiles you run into. They have actually no interest in submitting (as they suggest), but only in kinky sex, if they don't just want a quick online wank-session, with no intention of ever going out and meeting in real life.
The time and effort I spend on my profile and sorting through messages, chatting, coming onto the forums, etc... for me, that is just part of living the life I want to live, and being available for those who might make a positive impact in my life.
Complaint # 3
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And in any literature that i have read on BDSM relationships, they do not start with one person lower then the other. In fact the relationship never even becomes about that. BDSM relationships start like many vanilla ones do, two people getting to know each other to see if they agree on taking the relationship to another level. It's actually kind of ludicrous to expect someone to decide they want to kneel at the feet of another person based on some photos and a profile online.
This, I happen to agree with. However, your rules for relationships are yours to set. Anyone else's is theirs.
Complain # 4
quote:
i've gone to clubs and munches. i went alone and was very shy about doing so alone. But i had talked to a few people online here and there that reassured me again and again that i had nothing to be nervous about. i'd meet people without effort on my part and nothing could be bad about the experience. i don't know if i believed them or was just tired of not having any success meeting people. None of those people with opening arms were ever at the places i had gone. In fact i was usually completely ignored by everyone i saw or got near. When i tried to be friendly to whoever and anyone that would perhaps chat with me so that i didn't feel like i was invisible, all of them seemed annoyed. They definitely weren't interested in having a friendly chat anyway. It was so disappointing. And all those fears i had about going in the first place, man did that reaffirm those feelings. Lol.
So, this is going to come across a bit harsh, but if EVERYONE you are interacting with in real life kink behaves this way, then there is only one common denominator. You.
Could you be coming across as desperate? Needy? Creepy?
If people seem annoyed after talking with you or being approached by you, then the issue is with you. Your approach. Or, it could be that they are not annoyed, and your insecurities are projecting.
In any case, it's something to think about. Why are so many people not reacting positively to you? It could be you, for whatever reason.
Complaint #5
quote:
i don't really know what my point is. i guess i just wanted to share that in my experience it's not so easy, not anymore anyway.
It never was. You're not old enough to have been kinky before the internet. It used to be code in the personals ads, and voicemails. You have it easy, young pup! (I've always wanted to say that, LOL!)
It doesn't matter how easy it is. It is what it is. You sound incredibly entitled to be telling all of us how easy it is or isn't, or in comparison to a previous time you weren't even a part of.
Complaint #6
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i have been interested in this lifestyle for as long as i remember think about sex. And a good ten years i've spent reading, writing messages, writing extensive profiles, being active on the websites, trying to post quality photos, listening to advice on how to go about meeting someone who is looking for what i'm looking for. It's kinda fucking retarded to tell you the truth. But the internet seems to be the new place to keep garbage. i really don't know why i still try, i should have given up on the idea based on many passed experiences.
I looked at your profile. Your photos are cute. The rest is... well, lazy. Lame. Has nothing in it that I would find attractive. It's negative, and gives me no information about who you are as a person.
While I rarely hold myself up as a shining example of what to do, I do have a great profile. Take a look and see what you can learn about me as a real human being and a kinkster by going through my words, interests and journals.
See the difference?
I'm willing to invest. You are not. And if you are not willing to invest in your own search, why would I (or any domme) be willing to invest in you?
Complaint continued from #6, but Complaint #7 added from the profile itself
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But then how do you change who you are? i've always heard that you don't, because you can't.
You've heard wrong. I have changed who I am. It's called learning and growing. Who I was at your age and who I am now share a core, but the person that people interact with... VERY DIFFERENT.
I made a choice about 6 years ago to change, and I have. A LOT.
You could, too.
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Anyway, those are some more minutes i felt like loosing to the ol' or should i say "new" garbage dump. Just kidding, i just felt like sharing that. Because i'm a glutton for punishment! Ha ha. Just jokin, it's funny how jokes are often so true when you think about it. This probably doesn't help anyone, but we don't even know if someone will read it so it's here now. oh well, thanks, good luck, or whatever. :)
And to end, you don't complain more, instead you add in the "poor me" approach.
So, seven complaints (one from your profile, to be fair) and one "poor me."
Let me ask you this, if you met someone who was as negative as this, would you want to spend time with them? Would that make you feel good about yourself?
If the answer is, "no," then you can begin to see a glimmer of your troubles.
If the answer is, "yes," that is probably the root of your troubles, because you thrive on negativity. This is far more serious.
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If you're still reading, and you haven't gotten defensive, that's an awesome sign. If you've gotten defensive, but still have an open mind, that's a good sign.
Try thinking about what you want, instead of what you don't want. Realize that the time and effort you invest here in CS and other kink sites is an investment in YOU, in your life. Many people will come into that world, for a brief moment or for a spell. Do you want to complain to them, or share laughter and smiles?
You are young, attractive and fit. There are many who do not have your advantages doing quite well for themselves on this site and in real life. I spent the evening with nearly 30 of them last night. They do have positive attitudes, smiles, and a willingness to keep trying things, and they project that.
You are projecting the opposite.
Maybe you don't realize this, and that's not who you are.
If so, I hope pointing it out to you will help you make that change.
If not, well, then, I hope this very long message helps someone else who reads it.
Lol... Believe what you will. I shared my experience. I'm not hear to argue.
I tried to point out that at this point in my life, I've pretty much given up on the whole thing. I thought that was part of what I was actually making a point about. My profile? Is the way it is intentionally. I am in no way here complaining. I was just stating facts of my own experience.
Did you also forget that this post is for the "socially awkward." Well, someone who is socially awkward comes off as being all sorts of different ways to other people. Generally this is because a socially awkward can't do all the things you are telling me to try (when i've already said i've tried it all).
I've worked in customer service and sales for a long time. You know why? I purposely chose a job where I had to talk to people face to face that I didn't know everyday because it was the scariest thing in the world to me. Not only that, I had to actually try to sell them products and services that would range from 150-2000 dollars. So it was rarely cheap and people mostly didnt want to spend much initially. But I knew I would have to talk to people throughout my life and that I wasn't going to work on my people skills on my free time. So I learned how to talk to people, I was forced to. Even if I felt like shit, I would have to get people to like me so they would buy shit from me. So I know how to put on a smile and make sure that the people around me are comfortable, if not better.
Another point is that stereotypes are useful whether you like them or not. Lol, I'm speaking in a matter of generality for sake of this topic and not because I love them. However, I find that stereotypes are mostly true, horrifying in my own opinion and I die a little every time someone I know or meet disappointingly is another walking and talking example of typical stereotypes. It's amazing how much psychology of a person can predict almost action and reaction they have. I'm an artist and I particular could care less about labels, perhaps because I have struggled all my life to find a box I fit into. I simply do not. I'm not interested in fitting in nor am I interested in making sure you like me. But it's not easy when you truly live that way because society is not setup to support that. People all the time boast about acceptance and freedom to be who you really are but as soon as they can't figure you out, label you, and fit you into one of their stupid boxes they become frustrated, angry, and intolerant. I understand it completely and am only thankful for the awareness I have. Unfortunately most people are not positive, life is complicated, and people don't really want to spend the time trying to figure you out. Call me cynical if you must. I'm telling you that I'm only realistic and try to be very conscious of my bias in my thoughts about my experience. Luckily I was very fortunate to receive a scholarship to one of the best art schools in the country where I got a very well rounded but intense education. And since art is about life, that's exactly what you study. Mostly in relationship to people specifically how people experience life, and why, what, when, and where people experience what they experience.
By the way, I was not defensive about anything you wrote but I found it very offensive. You literally responded telling me everything I said wrong, totally invalidating my own experience (which is actually a form of abuse just so you know). I mean, I totally can come to those conclusions based on the evidence you took out of context from what I had said. I literally address many of your arguments in my original post so that someone wouldn't make incorrect assumptions about what I was saying. I do agree though that my attitude is negative which in most cases would be enough for me to come to the same conclusions you have. One thing I have learned though, is that stereotypes may be right in most cases but we should never assume that they are right. I'm currently going through the worst experiences of my life and I simply can't seem to break away from it. Seven years ago my world was turned upside down and in all my efforts to get back on my feet, it's pointless because the world remains upside down. I'm not going to get into detail here because until you go through something that totally fucks your life up completely out of your control and without giving a fuck about how positive you are about it all, then you will never understand. But people always want to dismiss what they don't understand as something the other person MUST be doing incorrectly. And now we are back to boxes again. If people can't solve your problem by categorizing and labeling the variables to find the solution, then by default it's your fault because your doing the math wrong. Sometimes it just that we don't have a box for all the variables, more rare but a possibility that does occur.
So if you can take your own advice and open your own mind. Why not just accept that people may be having different experiences, other than the ones that you have, your friends have, and which ever ones your currently aware of?
If I may, without pissing you off, can I suggest that you really look at what you are saying to me. Because in a reality where I am writing things that had happened and by all account my version of my experiences are 100% true, then aren't you then guilty of the very things you suggest I'm doing wrong? In many ways much of what you are saying is very hypocritical. If you can continue to follow the logic you use it is what you will find. Your response is actually proof of what I was saying in so many ways it's actually pretty funny. Except for the part that you aren't aware of it, because that to me isn't funny at all. But we all try to simplify the world around us into constructs that we already know and familiar with. It makes life easier, at least in a society that is setup like ours is, and because the unknown is scary! We aren't taught to contemplate or question anything, we are taught to put everything in all those labelled boxes so we can hurry up and get to work, so we can live, and buy things we don't need. God forbid, if we didn't consume, consume, consume, the frggin' earth would probably just stop rotating and drift out of it's orbit around the sun.
I only hope to explain myself so that you may actually take into consideration another perspective and not to argue. There is no argument, most of your conclusions are just incorrect. I do agree with your psychology and assuming the evidence you used were in fact evidence, you would be totally on point! Not everything follows the general rule every time. And quantum mechanics supports this so it's not a subject of debate. It's a reality, if there's even such things as realities.
Sorry for any spelling and grammar errors. Especially incomplete sentences and/or thought. I don't have time to proof read this as there was a lot to address and I just don't find it that important to begin with. Typically the effort is pointless anyway disregard anything that opposes their own opinion.
Hope this helps!
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