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New yet old looking for support as i train a vanilla fe... - 2/8/2015 7:45:32 PM

Luckyno13

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Looking for advice from any and all, up until now have only ever associated with people "of the life" but am still missing fundamentals because they never really were expressed. She is more than willing but i dont want to " break her down" she has a very strong personality i want to maintain while finding ways to help her blossom. Any help from experienced mistresses appreciated vanilla is as foreign to me as bdsm is to her.

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RE: New yet old looking for support as i train a vanill... - 2/8/2015 7:55:53 PM

DaddySatyr

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Honestly, this is a simple but complex question.

First, you have to know, in the very marrow of your bones what you want out of a relationship.

You will have to grade some things in as much as how important they are to you.

For the sake of ease: "I don't really care", "We can talk about this", and "This is a must" can be your three basic categories.

You have to be able to communicate these things clearly and compassionately with this young lady.

Then, she has to have the same kind of list (some here would call them "limits"). She has to be able to clearly communicate these things to you.

If you can manage to do this, I would say that 70% of your "battle" is already won.

After I've had that discussion, I have a very strict rule:

I will tell you this: I allow only three acceptable answers in my relationships, when I ask them to do something: "Yes, Michael, Sir/Daddy", "Can we talk about this, please?" and "I can't serve/be with you, anymore". There is no "No" in my world or they have stopped submitting.

That doesn't mean that her, saying "Can we talk about this, please?" doesn't turn into: "Okay, baby. Your objections are understandable and we'll re-visit this, at a later date". It means that if she, flat-out, says: "No", that's an issue.

I hope I helped and my mailbox/Skype ID are always available.

Good luck,

Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 2/8/2015 8:04:31 PM >

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RE: New yet old looking for support as i train a vanill... - 2/8/2015 9:09:29 PM

Gauge

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Luckyno13

Looking for advice from any and all, up until now have only ever associated with people "of the life" but am still missing fundamentals because they never really were expressed. She is more than willing but i dont want to " break her down" she has a very strong personality i want to maintain while finding ways to help her blossom. Any help from experienced mistresses appreciated vanilla is as foreign to me as bdsm is to her.

DaddySatyr gives very sound advice.

I will follow up with a few of my own... whether it is sound advice is up to you to decide.

If she is willing but she has a strong personality, there is no reason to break that down within her for any reason whatsoever. Her willingness to submit is really all you need. You can train a willing person, you cannot train someone that is not willing to be trained. Her personality may be a strength for her, but if she submits to you willingly, then you need not worry about anything else.

You are asking about fundamentals and whenever that stuff comes up my first response is communication, communication, communication. Talk shit out, like DaddySatyr said. Get an understanding of what you both want and do not want. Leave the opening for more communication if something needs to be discussed. Does she like pain? Does she like anal play? Does she like rope? Chains? Handcuffs? Ball gags? Does she have any health problems that may interfere with playing? Spanking? Blood? Water Sports? Diapers? You know... questions, good thoughtful questions.

Now, as far as the fundamentals go the best advice I can have for you is to go slow and work your way up. Be attentive to her responses to what it is you are doing. If you bind her, are her hands turning blue? Are the restraints too tight or is it the position? Is the ball gag comfortable? Is the position OK? Don't be afraid to ask her how she is doing... while some people might think this breaks the mood, I don't. You are not allowing her to top you by asking, after all, if you are both learning, I think it is important to acknowledge that fact and teach each other. Always have an escape plan for getting her out of something if you have to. Be safe.

Never, ever, lose control. This is important, for obvious reasons. Someone is trusting you to take control away from them, that is a monumental responsibility, and one that I take very seriously. Keep your head at all times. Some people will tell you that the submissives take all the risks, I believe the risk is shared fairly equally between the dominant and the submissive.

Lastly, be confident and be yourself. Don't try to be someone you are not. If she is willing to let you dominate her, then there is no need to change who you are because it may come off as phony. You'll work yourself into the role as time passes, and you will develop a sense of the power and control you have and that will feed that desire within you. The changes, if any, will then be natural.

One last thing, have fun.

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RE: New yet old looking for support as i train a vanill... - 2/8/2015 9:14:37 PM

Kittenluv954

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i like the advice both daddysatyr, and gauge give here. thoughtful and well put.

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RE: New yet old looking for support as i train a vanill... - 2/9/2015 3:31:04 AM

NookieNotes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr
I will tell you this: I allow only three acceptable answers in my relationships, when I ask them to do something: "Yes, Michael, Sir/Daddy", "Can we talk about this, please?" and "I can't serve/be with you, anymore". There is no "No" in my world or they have stopped submitting.

That doesn't mean that her, saying "Can we talk about this, please?" doesn't turn into: "Okay, baby. Your objections are understandable and we'll re-visit this, at a later date". It means that if she, flat-out, says: "No", that's an issue.

This is a lovely way of saying things. I like it, Michael. Thank you for sharing.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Gauge
Never, ever, lose control. This is important, for obvious reasons. Someone is trusting you to take control away from them, that is a monumental responsibility, and one that I take very seriously. Keep your head at all times.

Agreed. Never yell or fly off the handle. And when I say never, I mean avoid it like the plague. It will happen, you are human, but realize as soon as you do, you have given up your dominance in that discussion, and you have lost trust. She trusts you to guide her. How can she feel safe in your guidance when you get upset?

I wanted to highlight what they had to say before adding my own two cents. DS did touch on it as well.

Behavior modification. If you are not aware of it, consider reading some dog-training books, like "The Power of Positive Dog Training," and get a feel for how it works.

The steps I use are:

1. Observe. Watch her natural behavior. Determine what you love, what could be improved, and what you'd rather not have in your relationship.

2. Training: Learning. Tell her what you love, what improvements can be made, and what you are not wild about. Say it once, say it clear, make sure you have communicated, not just talked.

3. Training: Setting/Strengthening. Reward what you like positively. A LOT. In the behaviors you want to change, shape them by rewarding the better versions (even if just a small amount better) and ignoring the parts you don't like, or slip-backs. Ignore behavior you don't like, or simply say your own version of "Ah-ah!"

4. Training: Testing. Test the behaviors in every scenario, under stress, etc. Understand that all behaviors are not the same in every situation. Look for weak spots, and find ways to help her learn in those situations, too.

5. Training: Maintenance. Understand it is an ongoing process. You will never be completely done, so you better enjoy it.

*smiles*

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RE: New yet old looking for support as i train a vanill... - 2/9/2015 12:21:58 PM

DesFIP

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Training means explaining things, including showing her, and breaking it down into steps she can grasp.
It has nothing to do with impact play.

Is she interested in exploring the same kind of play as you? Because not every sub is a masochist or has any desire for pain play.
Can you tell her, "please pour out my coffee and get me another cup, with one sugar and no cream this time?" without breaking her? Or is your normal response to scream "you stupid cunt, you made my coffee wrong"?

Go slow, explore together, and see where you wind up.

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RE: New yet old looking for support as i train a vanill... - 2/13/2015 8:12:26 AM

Badwulf

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its simple. all the other responses are fair enough but they all break down to one thing. Communication.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

there is no template, you need to create this unique thing between you two unique people. .

Wulfy

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RE: New yet old looking for support as i train a vanill... - 2/13/2015 12:11:12 PM

wickkeddesire

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You have only ever associated with people of the life - what a curious thing to say; it carries as much weight as saying the opposite, but too a far lesser extent.
She is more than willing to what?
A flower will always blossom; less it is stifled; nonsense is a magnificent stilfler.
I am not sure why you are asking a mistress and what relevance vanilla is as foreign to you, has.
Based on your words I pity anyone who becomes embroiled with thee – you wrote it not me. perhaps you wrote it badly how i am I to know.

that aside that which is already broken should not be broken
strong - often means broken
sometimes it craves someone to break them
not enough information

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RE: New yet old looking for support as i train a vanill... - 2/13/2015 12:16:27 PM

Badwulf

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would indeed be grand to discover who/what/when
"people of the life" are?

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RE: New yet old looking for support as i train a vanill... - 2/13/2015 12:30:11 PM

Gauge

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Badwulf

would indeed be grand to discover who/what/when
"people of the life" are?

You will have to forgive our resident Rainman. I believe he means well, but his writing is often difficult to understand.

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