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First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 4:10:32 PM

crumpets

Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline

I'm meeting up with a prospective Domme, who has been before on both sides of the kneel, and, well, I have failings that worry me that I'd want to ask you about.

I tend to talk too much, and, mostly because, well, truth be told, when I'm nervous, I talk (but sometimes it turns to blather).

So, to keep me quiet and on track for my first getting-to-know-you meeting tomorrow, at a coffeeshop, with a lady who I've spoken on the phone with and whom I've emailed for about three weeks, I ask advice.

What should I talk about?
What shouldn't I talk about?

Sure, I'm old enough to know most topics, but, I'm still nervous, and, well, I was wondering if I should print out the collarspace likes/dislikes list or something of that ilk (perhaps a list of potential services one would like), I dunno, but, something to break the ice, and get her talking instead of me.

Any ideas?
(Clearly I'm nervous; it has been a very long time.)

Post #: 1

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 4:21:05 PM

usememistress775

Posts: 201
Joined: 1/15/2015
Status: offline

It's all going to sound like platitudes, but really relax and be yourself. If you've spoken to her on the phone and emailed for a while, then you've already got something in common.

Staying on topic can be good, but sometimes you learn more about someone whenever you move off topic and range far afield.

_____________________________

I might join the mission to Mars, every mission needs a leader to stay calm and collected. I could bring her drinks and sandwiches.

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 2

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 4:26:05 PM

Ladytisha

Posts: 112
Joined: 6/3/2013
Status: offline

Just be yourself. If there is a topic of mutual interest being discussed tell more about why you enjoy it. Let her lead the conversation if you feel you will talk entirely too much. Try and relax you'll do fine. Lady

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 3

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 4:29:59 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets

I'm meeting up with a prospective Domme, who has been before on both sides of the kneel, and, well, I have failings that worry me that I'd want to ask you about.

I tend to talk too much, and, mostly because, well, truth be told, when I'm nervous, I talk (but sometimes it turns to blather).

So, to keep me quiet and on track for my first getting-to-know-you meeting tomorrow, at a coffeeshop, with a lady who I've spoken on the phone with and whom I've emailed for about three weeks, I ask advice.

What should I talk about?
What shouldn't I talk about?

Sure, I'm old enough to know most topics, but, I'm still nervous, and, well, I was wondering if I should print out the collarspace likes/dislikes list or something of that ilk (perhaps a list of potential services one would like), I dunno, but, something to break the ice, and get her talking instead of me.

Any ideas?
(Clearly I'm nervous; it has been a very long time.)

You're on the listen side of the kneel.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 4

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 4:30:27 PM

Ilyrium

Posts: 189
Joined: 10/2/2013
Status: offline

What I have always wanted was a way to print out your collarspace profile likes/dislikes if you didn't meet her here.
Then you can talk about what you already know a lot about, but she can lead the conversation by asking questions about those likes/dislikes that interest her.

As a second best, here is a link I found by googling which you can print out to about 8 pages single sided (which might be a bit too long).
http://collarspace.com/personals/v/2016270/details.htm#

I don't agree with the numbering system being so complex (0 to 5), as you only need like, hate, or maybe.
I also don't think it really needs that last column, so I'd edit it out if I had time (which I don't).

Maybe others here know (a) how to print the Collarspace likes/dislikes to a better format or (b) where a nice checklist is that you can fill out and hand to her if that's a good idea that others would agree with (I'm not sure, I'm just throwing out the idea).

(in reply to Ladytisha)

Post #: 5

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 5:17:51 PM

crumpets

Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline

I ran a few commands in linux and created an animated GIF of the collarspace interests checklist.
I don't know if it will show up as an animated gif when I image it here, but here goes:

I also created a PDF of the web page of activities and printed it.
I guess, worst case, I'll pull this stuff out, already filled out.

Does anyone actually do that, in real life first meetings?

(in reply to Ilyrium)

Post #: 6

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 5:49:21 PM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

You're on the listen side of the kneel.

Jus sayin

No offense, but that's bullshit.
They're meeting to see if there's any real life chemistry.
They should both talk, laugh, question and listen.

_____________________________

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 7

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 6:10:40 PM

GoddessManko

Posts: 2257
Joined: 3/6/2013
From: Dante's Inferno
Status: offline

I'll be honest, relax. She will probably be calm, poised, engaging and will ask you a ton of questions. Like Exiled said, be a listener. Do not lead the conversation, allow her to but don't be passionless and boring either. I know you're quite the Mr Personality when you want to be. Just don't let it carry into the realm of "obnoxious". She is still a Domina. I tend to ask about many things, my questions seem pointless but they help me understand someone a lot better. I'm definitely a talker and your response to me is really what I observe. Your manners and etiquette as well. Had a wannabe slave not open a door for me and that was a FIRST and it pretty much set the stage. I'm a bit old fashioned, I even like walking on the inside of the sidewalk. Any protocol outside of that I'm sure she'll establish beforehand. Bottom line, try to impress her, be engaging and don't mess up by acting like you care more about the kink than the woman. I always hope that if a sub messed up with me somewhere he'll improve with someone else so I don't lower the bar, I raise it. And of course, who doesn't love small tokens when meeting the first time?

Oh, almost forgot, two things. Waiters can fuck up a really good thing. 1- If the waiter comes up and asks you for your order first, motion him towards her. If there is wine and someone has to taste, if the waiter tries to hand you the glass, again motion to her. 2- If a waiter tries to take a plate before someone else is done eating, that defies restaurant etiquette, make your displeasure visibly known and motion him to leave it until she's done.
The second one really irks me, but the first is also just "going the extra mile".

< Message edited by GoddessManko -- 2/9/2015 6:21:42 PM >

_____________________________

Happy consent is the name of the game. You are my perfect Mistress. - my collared.

http://submissivemale.blogspot.com/

The Bird of Hermes is my name, eating my wings to make me tame.

(in reply to petitespot)

Post #: 8

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 10:15:09 PM

crumpets

Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
I'll be honest, relax.

Easy for you to say! :)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
Like Exiled said, be a listener. Do not lead the conversation, allow her to but don't be passionless and boring either.

This isn't easy for me, but, I do agree, I should strive to do the two-ears-one-mouth trick, which is to listen at least twice as much as I talk. My mental problem is that, when I'm nervous, I can't stand a pregnant pause. I try to fill it in. I know this is a failing of mine, so, I will try to bite my tongue (too bad they don't make an invisible inside gag).

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
I know you're quite the Mr Personality when you want to be. Just don't let it carry into the realm of "obnoxious".

Hmmm... not sure what that means...

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
She is still a Domina. ... Your manners and etiquette as well.

This makes tons of sense. I wonder what I'll wear. I am thinking dress pants and dress shirt, but, maybe jeans and a polo shirt?

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
I even like walking on the inside of the sidewalk.

I remember something about that being proper protocol (something to do with wash buckets thrown out from the second floor)...

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
Any protocol outside of that I'm sure she'll establish beforehand.

She did say she wasn't sure yet how I should address her nor she I, which she said she'd figure out when we meet.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
Bottom line, try to impress her, be engaging and don't mess up by acting like you care more about the kink than the woman.

Always a tough bill for a guy - but I do know what you're talking about, and I agree.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
who doesn't love small tokens when meeting the first time?

Hmmm... what would you suggest? Candy? I have no idea what she likes. Chocolate? Maybe a 1-pounder from Trader Joes?
Would that seem too strange?

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
If the waiter comes up and asks you for your order first, motion him towards her.

Now that's very interesting. I understand, as it's the FLR that the waiter is unaware of. Very interesting. This is an interesting detail (I love learning the details of etiquette, particularly FLR etiquette, because that doesn't necessarily come to me culturally or naturally.

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko
The second one really irks me, but the first is also just "going the extra mile".

I love these ideas, as I had said, learning etiquette is fantastic, and there is so much I don't know.
Thanks.

PS: I think the hardest thing though, will be to bite my tongue since I generally can talk about anything, but that's not necessarily what *she* wants to talk about, and I hate a pregnant pause. Maybe I'll look into her eyes. We have exchanged photos, so, I know she has deep dark appealing eyes.

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 9

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 10:18:17 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I agree that both people have to be themselves. If you are talkative, be that, don't play a role and be quiet.

Flowers are always good.

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 10

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 10:44:45 PM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

Crumpets,

You've talked to this lady on the phone. Did you "blather" then? I hate to "Venn diagram" it, but I must.

If you're answer is "No", what's different about talking on the phone and talking in person? You talk. Talking is nothing more than exchanging ideas.

If you're answer is "Yes", she already knows you're a motor mouth and has agreed to meet you, anyway. It must not bother her, too much.

(ETA: I will say that something that will help you in all facets of life is learning how to listen and not just "wait until it's your turn to talk, again". I am not suggesting you do that but there's a difference between being boorish and being a confident and good communicator.)

I don't know you and you haven't been posting here, very long but is there a chance that you are putting far too much pressure on yourself and working this up too much in your mind?

Maybe she'll turn out to be an asshole that you want nothing to do with? Who knows.

I can only tell you this: I have found (and believe, in my heart) that "putting one's best foot forward" is a form of dishonesty. Certainly, you're not going to burp loudly or scratch your balls, at the coffee shop but would you do that, anyway? Probably not. Right?

You're a jabber jaw. So what? You want this lady to find you to be of use and value. Right? Don't put on some facade that she will enjoy, only to change it up, later (which will cause issues, down the road). Better for either or both of you to find out there's nothing here, right off the bat than to invest a few months, which will later be considered "wasted time".

Relax. Be you. Have fun and let us know what happened.

Good luck,

Michael

< Message edited by DaddySatyr -- 2/9/2015 10:47:07 PM >

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 11

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 11:19:55 PM

orgasmdenial12

Posts: 613
Joined: 9/18/2012
Status: offline

Apparently, if you ask and answer these questions, you'll fall in love! Anyway, they look like interesting questions :-)

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 12

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/9/2015 11:24:38 PM

SeekingTrinity

Posts: 1834
Joined: 5/29/2012
From: The 'burbs of Portland, OR
Status: offline

~FRing it~

You can't go wrong with the truth. Just be honest with her about your chattiness when you ge nervous. Id skip printing out the likes/dislikes list, but I would familiarize yourself with the contents so you have them in mind.

Just keep telling yourself "it's just coffee". Try to relax as much as you can and enjoy the meeting

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 13

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 2:27:46 AM

NorthernGent

Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

Being nervous at a first meeting isn't necessarily a negative. True, you are at the mercy of your date and her attitude, but that goes for all traits you display.

I wouldn't say that you're on the 'listening side of the kneel', and I'm certainly one who tends to listen mostly early on for the purpose of sizing her up. She will of course have to tune into what I'm all about but that's for farther down the line.

I personally like nerves in people. It can suggest that the person is down to earth, although not always. Also, nerves usually fade with comfort, so I'm looking at how she carries herself, her interests, does it shine through that she's service orientated, that sort of thing.

Have you thought about being straight down the line and informing her you're nervous?

Nerves would certainly not be an issue for me, and your date may or may not be someone like me.

_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 14

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 3:35:29 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

You're on the listen side of the kneel.

Jus sayin

No offense, but that's bullshit.
They're meeting to see if there's any real life chemistry.
They should both talk, laugh, question and listen.

Because not listening has worked out so well for you, right?

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to petitespot)

Post #: 15

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 3:54:57 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

People really like to be heard and it is in your best interest to really listen. Don't just wait for your turn to speak... people do that way too often. They grab ahold of some snippet and start forming a reply before the entirety of the thought is expressed.

You say you're a nervous talker and I am sure that you are very excited about meeting a perspective Domme, which is no easy feat in this medium, so really, really, and really listen to her and listen to yourself. Don't grab ahold of the "exciting" part of the conversation; "And I'd love to use you as my footstool after a hard day of work" and gloss over the rest "while you are gang raped by the meth-head biker neighbors".

My sense of compersion knows no bounds and I would truly love to see you succeed in realizing the relationship you are looking for and you are going to increase your odds of success by really listening, queuing on her body language and voice inflections, and examining the chemistry you have.

Treat her like the White Queen... White moves first every time. Weigh what she says with thought and a bit of introspection and reply honestly. If it's squick, it's squick, if it's gold, it's gold.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to crumpets)

Post #: 16

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 4:03:55 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

You're on the listen side of the kneel.

Jus sayin

No offense, but that's bullshit.
They're meeting to see if there's any real life chemistry.
They should both talk, laugh, question and listen.

Because not listening has worked out so well for you, right?

Ummm....well geez, it kinda says in my last line that they BOTH should listen. And they both should talk.
And have that strange thing called a conversation. I'm sure you've heard of that.

It's kinda funny. If the roles were reversed and it was a female sub meeting with a male dominant, would you advise them to be on the "listen side of the kneel"?
Or would you advise them to talk and ask questions for their safety and compatibility no matter how nervous they may be?

< Message edited by petitespot -- 2/10/2015 4:05:24 AM >

_____________________________

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 17

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 4:27:04 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

You're on the listen side of the kneel.

Jus sayin

No offense, but that's bullshit.
They're meeting to see if there's any real life chemistry.
They should both talk, laugh, question and listen.

Because not listening has worked out so well for you, right?

Ummm....well geez, it kinda says in my last line that they BOTH should listen. And they both should talk.
And have that strange thing called a conversation. I'm sure you've heard of that.

It's kinda funny. If the roles were reversed and it was a female sub meeting with a male dominant, would you advise them to be on the "listen side of the kneel"?
Or would you advise them to talk and ask questions for their safety and compatibility no matter how nervous they may be?

This isn't vanilla, my advice is gender neutral. The D is going to lead and the /s better make real fucking sure they want to follow.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to petitespot)

Post #: 18

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 4:30:12 AM

petitespot

Posts: 288
Joined: 7/3/2006
From: Surfside Beach, SC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

quote:

ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant

You're on the listen side of the kneel.

Jus sayin

No offense, but that's bullshit.
They're meeting to see if there's any real life chemistry.
They should both talk, laugh, question and listen.

Because not listening has worked out so well for you, right?

Ummm....well geez, it kinda says in my last line that they BOTH should listen. And they both should talk.
And have that strange thing called a conversation. I'm sure you've heard of that.

It's kinda funny. If the roles were reversed and it was a female sub meeting with a male dominant, would you advise them to be on the "listen side of the kneel"?
Or would you advise them to talk and ask questions for their safety and compatibility no matter how nervous they may be?

This isn't vanilla, my advice is gender neutral. The D is going to lead and the /s better make real fucking sure they want to follow.

Jus sayin

On a first meeting?????
If that's you're advice, then you'd be someone I'd stay very very far away from.
Jus sayin

_____________________________

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 19

RE: First meeting: tongue tied and talk too much (advice) - 2/10/2015 4:33:43 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: petitespot

On a first meeting?????
If that's you're advice, then you'd be someone I'd stay very very far away from.
Jus sayin

YAY!!!!!

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to petitespot)

Post #: 20

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