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RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 7:13:45 AM

newsubnokc1

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Joined: 2/18/2015
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I think I agree ......to bring up the past will make me live in the past .......I hate him for what he has done and taken from me and thats that. I know if he tries to get involved with anyone my lifestyle friends who I still talk to will do what is best. Even though we are not a big group we are more family than most families are

(in reply to PrairieBlues)

Post #: 21

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 7:20:26 AM

ExiledTyrant

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From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubnokc1

I think I agree ......to bring up the past will make me live in the past .......I hate him for what he has done and taken from me and thats that. I know if he tries to get involved with anyone my lifestyle friends who I still talk to will do what is best. Even though we are not a big group we are more family than most families are

Do you really want to carry hate around with you?

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to newsubnokc1)

Post #: 22

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 7:38:31 AM

newsubnokc1

Posts: 8
Joined: 2/18/2015
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No, but I dont want to forget what he has done or caused.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 23

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 7:40:36 AM

freedomdwarf1

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Joined: 10/23/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubnokc1

No, but I dont want to forget what he has done or caused.

I think you should.... absolutely.

You have learned from it. Put that experience to good use.
File it, forget it, and move on.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to newsubnokc1)

Post #: 24

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 7:54:55 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubnokc1

No, but I dont want to forget what he has done or caused.

I think you should.... absolutely.

You have learned from it. Put that experience to good use.
File it, forget it, and move on.

Thanks FD, we're on the same page.

Newsub, sadly this has been a hard lesson. You have an opportunity to learn from this, know yourself better, refine who you are and who you are looking for. I want to invite you to look at this: http://www.collarchat.com/m_4783948/tm.htm

There are a few notes from our posters to their "younger selves"... writing such a note is a very vulnerable thing that exposes a lot of you... some hard stuff that most people will not share.

What you are more capable of doing is allowing "him" to come between future healthy relationships that you may find. Emotional/mental trauma is the worst trauma and if you allow it, it can become the gangrene of future relationships; killing it slowly as it creeps across the healthy flesh of a relationship and consumes it all.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 25

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 8:18:04 AM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubnokc1

No, but I dont want to forget what he has done or caused.

There are things in life that will never be forgotten but they don't have to control your life and you don't have to live your life with hate. I was hurt physically and literally left for dead which also caused me a lot of emotional turmoil by someone I trusted and loved dearly, not a romantic partner but a very close male friend and another.

I held on to the hate, the anger, hurt, sadness and bitterness for a long time until I realized by carrying it around with me, I was destroying myself. All the negative emotions I was holding on to were only hurting me, my partner at the time, our relationship and our family. With the help of a great psychologist, I was able to move past it and start living my life again without fear, without all the negativity and no longer slowly destroying myself.

It's not something I'll ever forget and don't expect to ever forget but I've been able to let go of the hate, anger and pain, put the past in a safe place in my mind where it no longer has control over me and my life.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to newsubnokc1)

Post #: 26

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 8:28:37 AM

Kittenluv954

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Joined: 3/18/2014
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I wish it were that easy. I have decided not to let past damages into my life still a million times. but it never happens. it's always just remained a decision in my mind that I really WISH I could get my feelings to follow suit on. i can "say" all day long i have dealt with things, and i have forgiven etc, but yeah no. I'm still damaged, and i still feel it. and nothing in my mind saying "you should let this go" seems to ever overcome that.

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 27

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 9:39:41 AM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

I agree Kittenluv.

I keep trying to let things go- but everytime I get triggered- that hatred and anger bubbles up. Heck it bubbles up everytime I have to pay for my goddamn anti depressants and therapy. I can't forgive or forget what happened to me. It makes me frustrated that I can't let it go.

(in reply to Kittenluv954)

Post #: 28

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 10:07:34 AM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Kittenluv954

I wish it were that easy. I have decided not to let past damages into my life still a million times. but it never happens. it's always just remained a decision in my mind that I really WISH I could get my feelings to follow suit on. i can "say" all day long i have dealt with things, and i have forgiven etc, but yeah no. I'm still damaged, and i still feel it. and nothing in my mind saying "you should let this go" seems to ever overcome that.

No, it's not easy at all. For me getting to the point of finally letting go was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, possibly the hardest thing I will ever do. It took 5 years of therapy, going every 2 weeks, a lot of hard work and working through a lot of emotions to get to where I wanted to be. I hit rock bottom and came close to losing everyone including my own life and that's when I knew I only had two choices. I had to find a way to come to terms with everything that happened, accept that it did happen, find peace within myself and let go of the past to where it no longer affected me or the other choice was continue living in my own hell which in my case would have eventually killed me. I had a wonderful support system with my former Dom/husband, my sons, my best friend, my psychologist but even with their support and help, it was no easy task and there was no quick fix. Time, patience and healing one step at a time.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to Kittenluv954)

Post #: 29

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 2:07:50 PM

newsubnokc1

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Joined: 2/18/2015
Status: offline

You all are all correct and I thank you for your honesty. I need to work through it all and know the diffrences of what I want and what I will expect out of a future relationship, and maybe in time I will decide to go that extra step and start a relationship with a man again. But I have to first find me before I can ever think of finding him

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 30

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 2:31:18 PM

freedomdwarf1

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Joined: 10/23/2012
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FR~

quote:

ORIGINAL: newsubnokc1
But I have to first find me before I can ever think of finding him

This^^^^^^^ is the best thing you could ever do.

One thing that has always puzzled me.... Why do Americans in general, not have the wherewithall to think and work things out for themselves???
Why do they lean so heavily on expensive psychologists and therapists?

Example:

quote:

ORIGINAL: InHisHeart
It took 5 years of therapy, going every 2 weeks, a lot of hard work and working through a lot of emotions to get to where I wanted to be. I hit rock bottom and came close to losing everyone including my own life and that's when I knew I only had two choices. I had to find a way to come to terms with everything that happened, accept that it did happen, find peace within myself and let go of the past to where it no longer affected me or the other choice was continue living in my own hell which in my case would have eventually killed me.

Most people I know just work through things and see the light at the end of the tunnel and just get on with it.
Are Americans soo emotionally weak that they really need such measures?
Sure, some rape victims might need such counseling.
But I'm noticing more and more in recent years that 'traumatized' darlings are turning to therapy first instead of strengthening their own resolves and just dealing with it - like everyone used to.
It seems we are all too quickly molly-coddling ourselves instead of having that old pick-yourself-up true grit attitude and getting on with life.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to newsubnokc1)

Post #: 31

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 2:33:02 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

I agree, FD, we could all take a lesson from the Englishman, Jack The Ripper. He really knew how to sort out his problems.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 32

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 2:40:25 PM

Moderator3

Posts: 3289
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FR and posted because we seem to have a problem with members disrespecting and discriminating against other nationalities openly and without regard to exactly what they are doing. Discrimination has no place anywhere on this forum and if it continues my staff and I will have to start focusing on those that are taking part in it.

You will soon get to know my staff and I will be less visible and discrimination is going to be high on their list of things to watch for.

Thank you

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Post #: 33

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 2:51:06 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

Welp. My response is that of a rape victim so I guess take this opinion with a grain of salt.

I don't know what people are like over there or compared to here but certainly your observation isn't necessarily true.

But I know here therapy is recommended a great deal, and it takes a great deal of courage to face your problems- in my opinion. Sometimes a therapist can help guide you on that journey when perhaps you dont want to face things alone and no one else is there for you. i hate the opinion that "bucking up" and squashing feelings down is somehow more heroic than needing help facing your own feelings.

I personally think your observations are overblown. Perhaps Americans just talk about it more because we have a, thankfully, diminishing stigma- and your country (or generation) doesn't? Idk.

Knowing what I know about InHisHeart from another thread, I realize she too has PTSD- same as I do...so perhaps your judgement of what she just said is really misinformed.

Also, I don't want to bring this to P&R but we have a lot of sexism, classism, and racism here- couple that with the increasing wealth gap, rape culture, and a culture which has been picking fights all over the world for more years than I have been alive than not- and maybe we are just simply more depressed than your country on the whole.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 34

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 2:51:58 PM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
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You haz mail Mod3.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

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Post #: 35

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 2:56:01 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

Erm- mod3 if you have to take that out feel free to do so, it is mostly speculation on my part and the important message is...getting help isn't anything to be ashamed about and no one is better because they managed to move on by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps.

Also- knowing InHisHeart has PTSD, as do I- I feel personally really irritated that someone would assume anything about how strong a person is based on wether they feel they need therapy or not.

(in reply to shiftyw)

Post #: 36

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 2:56:33 PM

Moderator3

Posts: 3289
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I often check my mail, whether I open and respond to it right then or not. I'm sorry, but I must do my schedual when it is best for me or the forum in certain ways. I will get to it as soon as I can.

Even I, cannot insist on when someone opens and answers theirs.

Right now, I have at least a page of responses to my thank you mails and they have been waiting days!

I am sorry too.

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Post #: 37

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 2:58:54 PM

Moderator3

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quote:

ORIGINAL: shiftyw

Erm- mod3 if you have to take that out feel free to do so, it is mostly speculation on my part and the important message is...getting help isn't anything to be ashamed about and no one is better because they managed to move on by pulling themselves up by their bootstraps.

Also- knowing InHisHeart has PTSD, as do I- I feel personally really irritated that someone would assume anything about how strong a person is based on wether they feel they need therapy or not.

You are fine and I hope you weren't worried too much. I don't want you all afraid to speak your minds. We just need some structure to keep the peace we can have around here.

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(in reply to shiftyw)

Post #: 38

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 3:12:50 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
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I was just typing at the same time you were and then when I posted it I didn't want it to seem like it was directly violating what you had, quite literally, JUST said.

(in reply to Moderator3)

Post #: 39

RE: How do I handle this - 2/22/2015 3:16:06 PM

freedomdwarf1

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Joined: 10/23/2012
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My observations are my own. Take it how you will.

But it does seem, from my times on here and other forums, and the backlash I have had thrown at me, that Americans, generally, do seem to be much more outwardly emotional that many of us over here.
And to be honest, many problems I see posted here where the response has overwhelmingly been to seek therapy or psychologists, or where it has taken someone years with therapists to overcome a domestic problem, I just think "Meh! Get on with it. It's not that traumatic to need such people".
Maybe it's the old British 'stiff upper lip' and all that.

I'm not saying some people don't need it, because blatantly some do; and some deserve better than they're getting.
What I'm questioning is, is the world (and particularly the US it seems to me) getting so emotionally weak that we have lost the will and determination to deal with life's crisis's without such props and crutches?
If we had that weak style and depth of self-resolve, we would never get to war let alone win one - we'd just throw the towel in.

There's been a dramatic boom in therapists in recent decades where they just weren't needed before.
Not because there was a gap in the needs, but because people seemed to cope with life much better and such professionals were generally not required to such a degree.

And hand-in-hand with this goes the (apparent) inability to deal with what I would call 'common sense' issues.
That problem seems to be global with recent generations too - not able to think for themselves and work things out.

ETA: I don't knock it when help is needed and people reach out.
What I question is the first response - reach and lean without trying.

< Message edited by freedomdwarf1 -- 2/22/2015 3:18:31 PM >

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

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Post #: 40

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