quote:

ORIGINAL: IcarusBurning

Philosophical question. What do you do when you realize your BDSM tendencies after you are in a relationship? Worse still, if you find out you are, say, both sub, or both dom, or one deeply interested in BDSM while the other is absolutely not? How do you handle a relationship like that?

I am sure this has happened to people before, and for that matter might have even happened to people who are married or already have children, so the prospect of breaking it all and walking out it not as trivial as it sounds...

quote:

ORIGINAL: IcarusBurning
I am sure this has happened to people before, and for that matter might have even happened to people who are married or already have children, so the prospect of breaking it all and walking out it not as trivial as it sounds...

quote:

ORIGINAL: GotSteel

quote:

ORIGINAL: IcarusBurning
I am sure this has happened to people before, and for that matter might have even happened to people who are married or already have children, so the prospect of breaking it all and walking out it not as trivial as it sounds...

Hence all the guys on the other side of the site looking for discrete no strings attached.

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

It happened to me when I got married. At that time my need for BDSM was not really solidified, I knew that I preferred certain types of sex and certain types of personalities but I was young and foolish. I honestly thought he would grow into what I needed which was terribly unfair of me. I also thought that maybe what I wanted would just sort of fade into the background, instead it became stronger.

He wasn't submissive or dominant, he was just passive. It drove me nuts, I didn't want to have to make all the decisions. Doing so made me feel resentful. Eventually (in the interests of honesty) I became pretty bratty, hoping he would react in the way I needed. Of course that just made everything worse for both of us.

I spent almost 20 years in that cycle. The last ten years of our marriage I'd found the internet, I discovered there was a name for what I was feeling and that it wasn't some fucked up personality disorder. I also discovered cyber-sex and that helped me fill those giant holes of need. Eventually (because I'm very very slow to change lol) I came to see just how unhealthy we were for each other. Both of us were to blame but I still blame myself more, I was smarter and much more aware.

The day I divorced him was like having the future just open up in front of me. There was sadness of course, the end of nearly 20 years with him but there was also deep relief.

We never should have married. I should have divorced him at the five year mark. So much wasted time, that is one of the bigger regrets in my life. And I regret being so cowardly and allowing things to go on for so long.

quote:

ORIGINAL: IcarusBurning

oh no you did not. i think your reply was absolutely beautiful, alongwith what camille said. spiritedSub, its easy to ask why would one put oneself into such a position, but as you can see from the rest of the thread, these things happen, and probably far more often than we know or willingly admit.
<snip>

quote:

ORIGINAL: IcarusBurning

Philosophical question. What do you do when you realize your BDSM tendencies after you are in a relationship? Worse still, if you find out you are, say, both sub, or both dom, or one deeply interested in BDSM while the other is absolutely not? How do you handle a relationship like that?

I am sure this has happened to people before, and for that matter might have even happened to people who are married or already have children, so the prospect of breaking it all and walking out it not as trivial as it sounds...

quote:

ORIGINAL: IcarusBurning

oh no you did not. i think your reply was absolutely beautiful, alongwith what camille said. spiritedSub, its easy to ask why would one put oneself into such a position, but as you can see from the rest of the thread, these things happen, and probably far more often than we know or willingly admit.

the problem with discrete no strings is that often the partners actually do care a lot for each other, other than the fact that they point in opposite directions in bed. i for one regard cheating as a cowardly act. i was rather looking for your opinions on what people might do to sort out the relationship itself (or its foreclosure), not resort to a backdoor-way-out.

if i may ask camille, you spoke about getting involved in cyber sex while your marriage was ongoing - would you say you felt guilty at points, or had you convinced yourself that this was the (seemingly, at that point) only healthy way to keep the otherwise spiceless relationship trundling along?

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

At first cyber sex led to more sex in our marriage, it was still very vanilla (roll on top of me, roll off me in 10 minutes type sex) but it was sex and in my head we were doing different activities.

Yes I felt guilty. I'm fairly good at rationalizing so I'd push the guilt away with things like 'it's not like I'm having physical sex with another man' and things like that.

That is about when I found my current Owner in a chat room. Without going into tedious and very ugly background (unless anyone is actually curious) my Owner finally got me to see just how toxic our marriage was. For years I'd been losing friends and the remaining ones were hesitant to spend a lot of time with us, I rationalized that (because I really do excel at lying to myself lol) but with my Owner he would not allow me to rationalize. For the first time in my life I had someone lovingly force me to see reality, see my part and see my husbands part.

It took him about four years of coaching and consistent loving for me to be strong enough to end my marriage. His unwavering support helped me negate any further guilt. Although yes I was emotionally cheating on my marriage, that cheating led me out of a bad bad place.

Two days ago was our 14 year anniversary of him owning me. It has been the healthiest and most wonderful years of my life. He has changed me considerably and every day I'm grateful beyond words that I belong to him. He has taught me to value myself and that I am worth that value, he spent years (literally years, dude has the patience of a saint lol) proving that he at least believes I'm a wonderful person.

He set me free. It is like he slowly pared away all my walls and boundaries put in place over my entire life to reveal who I really am. And the entire process, every step of the way he reinforced that I am okay. I am worth it. Most of all he convinced me I no longer had to live in constant in fear.

quote:

ORIGINAL: camille65

quote:

ORIGINAL: IcarusBurning

oh no you did not. i think your reply was absolutely beautiful, alongwith what camille said. spiritedSub, its easy to ask why would one put oneself into such a position, but as you can see from the rest of the thread, these things happen, and probably far more often than we know or willingly admit.

the problem with discrete no strings is that often the partners actually do care a lot for each other, other than the fact that they point in opposite directions in bed. i for one regard cheating as a cowardly act. i was rather looking for your opinions on what people might do to sort out the relationship itself (or its foreclosure), not resort to a backdoor-way-out.

if i may ask camille, you spoke about getting involved in cyber sex while your marriage was ongoing - would you say you felt guilty at points, or had you convinced yourself that this was the (seemingly, at that point) only healthy way to keep the otherwise spiceless relationship trundling along?

At first cyber sex led to more sex in our marriage, it was still very vanilla (roll on top of me, roll off me in 10 minutes type sex) but it was sex and in my head we were doing different activities.

Yes I felt guilty. I'm fairly good at rationalizing so I'd push the guilt away with things like 'it's not like I'm having physical sex with another man' and things like that.

That is about when I found my current Owner in a chat room. Without going into tedious and very ugly background (unless anyone is actually curious) my Owner finally got me to see just how toxic our marriage was. For years I'd been losing friends and the remaining ones were hesitant to spend a lot of time with us, I rationalized that (because I really do excel at lying to myself lol) but with my Owner he would not allow me to rationalize. For the first time in my life I had someone lovingly force me to see reality, see my part and see my husbands part.

It took him about four years of coaching and consistent loving for me to be strong enough to end my marriage. His unwavering support helped me negate any further guilt. Although yes I was emotionally cheating on my marriage, that cheating led me out of a bad bad place.

Two days ago was our 14 year anniversary of him owning me. It has been the healthiest and most wonderful years of my life. He has changed me considerably and every day I'm grateful beyond words that I belong to him. He has taught me to value myself and that I am worth that value, he spent years (literally years, dude has the patience of a saint lol) proving that he at least believes I'm a wonderful person.

He set me free. It is like he slowly pared away all my walls and boundaries put in place over my entire life to reveal who I really am. And the entire process, every step of the way he reinforced that I am okay. I am worth it. Most of all he convinced me I no longer had to live in constant fear.