needlesandpins
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quote:
ORIGINAL: MariaB quote:
ORIGINAL: RemoteUser I've found in most of the cases I've dealt with, all you really need to do is be an ear. If you try to offer advice, it's seen as trying to "solve" the issue, which usually incites anger (either because it won't work, or the thought was already considered, or, in some cases, because it actually might work). If you try to draw an analogy to demonstrate that you understand, it's seen as a one-upmanship. If you try to downplay it, the person feels invalidated. As much as a person with a big heart wants to help, soothe, relate, these are things that a negative, or depressed, person cannot handle in most cases (again, I'm merely relating this to my own experiences). I would acknowledge but not engage. If your friend complains of your lack of involvement, it might be best to firmly yet politely reply: "I want to be a good friend for you, but I don't know how to be there for you in a way that is good for both you and I. I have to respectfully disagree with your point on [subject], but I still want to support you. What kind of support do you want?" You're not a mind reader, nor should your friend expect you to be. Put the direction of dialogue on the friend, if they react badly to your natural responses then make them accountable for explaining what would help. In the process, I suspect they will learn to understand you better and hopefully appreciate what they discover. If not? No offense dc, but it's their loss. I know you from way back and can say you're a good person with a good heart. If your friend can't see that, then they really aren't being much of a friend. What a great post. I've only once hit rock bottom and I've always said, the hardest thing was finding a listening ear and not someone who would come back at me with a whole heap of advise. I think advise can further burden those suffering from depression or anxiety because you feel as though you're expected to act on that advise and guilty that you can't. Advice can be such a hindrance when all you actually need is for someone to listen and understand. Agreed, great post. From my own experience of when I do share- I'm not looking for advice unless I ask for it, I hate it with a passion when people tell me that there is always someone that has it worse, because I fucking know that already, but it's rude, and dismissive of what I'm going through as well as making me feel guilty, I don't want to hear about how great that person's life is right in that moment because I'm talking about me, and I'll listen all about you when it's your turn, I also don't want to hear 'a friend of a friend tried this miracle, and now they are cured, you should try it' because chances are I already have, or it's bull shit. all I want is a listening ear, a chance may be to vent, perhaps even cry, and maybe to even be acknowledged that I have the right to feel shit in the moment with my lot. after I've had my moment, then we can move on to how great the other person's life is, or not as the case may be. I certainly don't ever want to hear from a so called friend that has said that I can, and should talk to them that they won't talk to me because of how things are for me. I had that last year, and it really pissed me off. if a person chooses not to share then fine, but don't use my life against me as a reason to not do it. I'm an adult, and i'll make my own mind up as to what I can cope with thank very much. needles
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I deserved better. Not than you, but from you.
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