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Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/26/2015 9:05:17 PM

DerangedUnit

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There have been a lot of discussions about male/female dynamics lately. So I thought I'd attempt to cover a similar topic that interests me. Sorry if this gets confusing because it's a multi part question...

A comparison of personality traits:

Are there certain personality traits you see as inherently submissive/dominant?

Are there certain personality traits you see as superior/inferior?(if you think that part is too inflammatory feel free to pick and choose which portions you answer I'm not a stickler for structure)

Are there traits which you see as superior and submissive/ inferior and dominant or are they mutually exclusive?

Do you take someone at their word generally if they say they are dominant or submissive or do you rely on some of those traits to define it for you?

I'm curious if this is something that differs a lot or something people generally have similar views on.

Post #: 1

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/26/2015 9:16:55 PM

GoddessManko

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Really? You want me to attempt soul searching woman? LMAO. Too much thinking for one day. I'll respond maybe tomorrow. I'm having fun with my inventory now. 3 down, 3 to go. Plus I'm about to indulge in one of my nerd hobbies *rubs hands together excitedly* (And I gotta clean my kitchen).

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(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 2

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/26/2015 9:27:52 PM

sexyred1

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I have had enough with the gender superiority issue.

It's been done to death here.

As for traits being inherent to Doms/subs, I don't think you can make any generalization on that.

I would never be viewed as submissive in my outside life. In my private life, whomever is my Dom knows the submissive side.

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 3

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/26/2015 9:34:17 PM

DaddySatyr

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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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I think you're right. I may be a bit confused, but I think there's at least one question with which I absolutely agree:

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

There have been a lot of discussions about male/female dynamics lately. So I thought I'd attempt to cover a similar topic that interests me. Sorry if this gets confusing because it's a multi part question...

A comparison of personality traits:

Are there certain personality traits you see as inherently submissive/dominant?

I think, certainly, there must be some however, just because I see certain behaviors doesn't mean they are, by definition, a personality trait in the person who is exhibiting them.

Anyone can fly off the handle, occasionally/rarely. Depending upon frequency (and the judgment of the person who is interpreting the behavior), defines whether or not it is an actual personality trait.

If we can accept that "definition", I'll play:

I view passive-aggressive behavior as inherently submissive. I think some of the evidence bears me out on that. We have "sub-divisions" of the lifestyle that hinge upon it. Does anyone know a "bratty" girl/boy? To me, "bratty" is the very epitome of passive-aggressive behavior.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

Are there certain personality traits you see as superior/inferior?(if you think that part is too inflammatory feel free to pick and choose which portions you answer I'm not a stickler for structure)

Here's where my Carnegie training kicks in!

I view dishonesty as an inferior trait.

Lack of integrity; ditto.

disrespect; the same.

dishonor (or irreverence, taken to an extreme, even); inferior.

There's a few.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

Are there traits which you see as superior and submissive/ inferior and dominant or are they mutually exclusive?

That one's difficult because, as you can see from my previous "list", while I think there are a host of behaviors that are inferior (and, obviously, the converse are superior), I don't think those behaviors are inherently dominant or submissive. I think either side of the kneel (unfortunately) can and do display these behaviors/personality traits.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

Do you take someone at their word generally if they say they are dominant or submissive or do you rely on some of those traits to define it for you?

I'm curious if this is something that differs a lot or something people generally have similar views on.

Yes and no. I try to take people at their word, but often times, people don't know themselves well enough to be trusted, when they make a declaration. Also, your definition of submissive may not match up with mine. It doesn't mean either one is right or wrong. It just means that our differing interpretations cause a gap in communication.

Michael

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Post #: 4

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/26/2015 9:36:30 PM

JVoV

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I take people at their word for what they think they are, and try not to giggle.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 5

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/26/2015 9:49:53 PM

DerangedUnit

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Joined: 2/23/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessManko

Really? You want me to attempt soul searching woman? LMAO. Too much thinking for one day. I'll respond maybe tomorrow. I'm having fun with my inventory now. 3 down, 3 to go. Plus I'm about to indulge in one of my nerd hobbies *rubs hands together excitedly* (And I gotta clean my kitchen).

Fine leave me in my time of need ;)

(in reply to GoddessManko)

Post #: 6

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/26/2015 9:57:06 PM

DerangedUnit

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr

I think, certainly, there must be some however, just because I see certain behaviors doesn't mean they are, by definition, a personality trait in the person who is exhibiting them.

Anyone can fly off the handle, occasionally/rarely. Depending upon frequency (and the judgment of the person who is interpreting the behavior), defines whether or not it is an actual personality trait.

If we can accept that "definition", I'll play:

I view passive-aggressive behavior as inherently submissive. I think some of the evidence bears me out on that. We have "sub-divisions" of the lifestyle that hinge upon it. Does anyone know a "bratty" girl/boy? To me, "bratty" is the very epitome of passive-aggressive behavior.

Michael

It's just more of a general overview question so specifics don't matter so much just first instincts. That's a good list. Oh and yes I do know a bratty girl ;) ...never been called passive aggressive though :p but I have been called both passive... and aggressive by differentpeople so put them in the same room and it works.

(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 7

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/26/2015 10:50:54 PM

DerangedUnit

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Figured it might be useful to post some of my own as examples but it won't let me edit the first post (<_< time limit or something I'm guessing) so down here:

I see shyness, insecurity, approval seeking, defensiveness as mainly submissive traits

Some traits I see as dominant are protective types ,stability, a "devil may care" attitude, a refusal to back down, extroverted

Some traits I see as inferior are being argumentative, perpetually sad, stubborn, my definition of passive aggressive which is trying to use guilt or something akin to alter someone's behavior

And so the traits I am most drawn to are happy go lucky types, an ability to laugh at yourself, spontaneity, passion, longevity

Pretty much just things that stand out to you about people you like/dislike or about doms/subs unless I'm the only one that thinks about these things ;)

(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 8

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/27/2015 12:36:09 AM

orgasmdenial12

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I don't see Dom or sub as a trait. I see it as something you do, with another person, rather than something that you are.

So although I could pinpoint submissive or dominant behaviour, I couldn't really pick out traits, since they might not match up with the behaviour.

As regards superior behaviour - yes, of course I see some behaviour as superior. For example, honesty, courage, loyalty, etc. I don't consider these behaviours to be exclusive to subs or Doms, everyone is capable of them.

If someone says they are a Dom or sub, I take them at their word. To me, they are describing a sexual orientation so unless I have had a relationship with them I'm not in a position to challenge what they say about their own sexuality.

(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 9

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/27/2015 2:11:26 AM

NookieNotes

Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

There have been a lot of discussions about male/female dynamics lately. So I thought I'd attempt to cover a similar topic that interests me. Sorry if this gets confusing because it's a multi part question...

A comparison of personality traits:

Are there certain personality traits you see as inherently submissive/dominant?

submissive: wanting/able to follow
dominant: wanting/able to lead

quote:

Are there certain personality traits you see as superior/inferior?(if you think that part is too inflammatory feel free to pick and choose which portions you answer I'm not a stickler for structure)

Toooooooo many, LOL! Maybe later int he conversation.

quote:

Are there traits which you see as superior and submissive/ inferior and dominant or are they mutually exclusive?

Hmmm. The way I read this, my answer is: There are many traits of good submissives that are superior to most people and many traits of bad dominants that are inferior to most people.

quote:

Do you take someone at their word generally if they say they are dominant or submissive or do you rely on some of those traits to define it for you?

I take them at their word. As I get to know them, I let my interactions with them shape their role in my own mind. I am always conscious of their desired role, though.

quote:

I'm curious if this is something that differs a lot or something people generally have similar views on.

This will be fun!

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(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 10

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/27/2015 2:38:03 AM

NookieNotes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DaddySatyr
I view passive-aggressive behavior as inherently submissive.

I agree with this.

quote:

I view dishonesty as an inferior trait.

Dishonesty, to me, is inherently submissive. Not in a "this is the trait I look for in a submissive" way, but in the way that if you are being dishonest, you are giving up your personal truth/power to another.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit
I see shyness, insecurity, approval seeking, defensiveness as mainly submissive traits

I know quite a few shy yet dominant people. And insecure ones.

Approval seeking I agree with.

Defensiveness is just a clue that you've hit a sore spot.

To me, it sounds like you are thinking of the good Dominant, or capital D. There are MANY Dominants that, while they are dominants and do lead others, are not ideal humans. That does not make them less dominant. Just less "good Dominant" in your eyes.

I'm not sure I'm being clear.

I guess if you'd asked, "What are the traits you use to personally define a good Dominant/good Submissive?" that would make a difference in my answers

quote:

Some traits I see as dominant are protective types ,stability, a "devil may care" attitude, a refusal to back down, extroverted

A refusal to back down? Even when they are wrong? I think that is a crappy trait for a dominant.

or do you only mean a refusal to back down when they are defending something good and right? Or their personal beliefs, or...?

quote:

Pretty much just things that stand out to you about people you like/dislike or about doms/subs unless I'm the only one that thinks about these things ;)

Ok, this is clearer. *smiles*

To me, a good Dominant (as in someone who takes responsibility for others within the kink/BDSM lifestyle) has the following traits:

1. Is mentally stable. This does not mean we are not human. It means they are more careful with their reactions to things that happen, because we know that a misspoken word can cause lasting harm.

2. Has a hierarchy of priorities:
Dom's Needs
Sub's Needs
Dom's Wants
Sub Wants

3. Takes time to understand the psychology of submissives (in general and one at a time).

4. Communicates. Even when it sucks. ESPECIALLY when it sucks.
4a. Makes expectations clear. Gives positive feedback for successes and negative feedback for failures.

5. Takes responsibility for failure. Their own, and failures of the submissive within the boundaries of the relationship, because the Dominant made the choice of that submissive.

For example, if a submissive lies to me, I take responsibility for that, since I chose them to be mine. I made a mistake. I do not take the blame, that's on them. I do take the responsibility.

To me, a good submissive (as in someone who gives another responsibility for themselves within the kink/BDSM lifestyle) has the following traits:

1. Is mentally stable.

2. Has a hierarchy of priorities:
Sub's Needs
Dom's Needs
Dom's Wants
Sub Wants

3. Opens themselves to trust the one they call "Dominant." When they want to argue and fight, they learn to fall back on trust, instead.

This, to me, means they pick and choose as carefully as I do. I earn their submission, they earn my dominance. It is 100% symbiotic.

4. Communicates and responds well to communication.

5. Takes responsibility for their own failures, and always seeks to improve.

There are more I could add. This is a start and the critical points to me.

_____________________________

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(in reply to DaddySatyr)

Post #: 11

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/27/2015 3:48:56 AM

DerangedUnit

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Lol well I fail on the communication one :P should probably go back to puppy speak. I thought the "personally define" bit was inherent but thanks I never get what piece of info I'm missing that makes things completely miss the mark(I have an eclectic thought process that makes it hard to translate to people who don't think the same way)

My list of sub/Dom traits weren't good or bad ones just ones I see in most subs/doms I encounter... there are of course a lot more and they only become good/bad(again the 'in my view' part attached) when corresponding with other traits at the same time but that gets too complicated for a forum post. Traits I see specifically as dominant or submissive determine how I view that person in connection with me. People that don't have traits I view as dominant I don't see as dominant. They might be to themselves but not to me... kinda like that old mantra 'I'm a sub I'm not your sub' 'I'm a Dom I'm not your dom' the role I take interacting with people depends on where they fall on a sliding scale... but again that is delving too deep into personality quirks. Hmm to attempt to simplify that: if I had made good dom/bad dom traits lists it would have been entirely different... though some combination of dom/superior lists would lead to a "good" list

(in reply to NookieNotes)

Post #: 12

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/27/2015 3:53:53 AM

NookieNotes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

Lol well I fail on the communication one :P should probably go back to puppy speak. I thought the "personally define" bit was inherent but thanks I never get what piece of info I'm missing that makes things completely miss the mark(I have an eclectic thought process that makes it hard to translate to people who don't think the same way)

My list of sub/Dom traits weren't good or bad ones just ones I see in most subs/doms I encounter... there are of course a lot more and they only become good/bad(again the 'in my view' part attached) when corresponding with other traits at the same time but that gets too complicated for a forum post. Traits I see specifically as dominant or submissive determine how I view that person in connection with me. People that don't have traits I view as dominant I don't see as dominant. They might be to themselves but not to me... kinda like that old mantra 'I'm a sub I'm not your sub' 'I'm a Dom I'm not your dom' the role I take interacting with people depends on where they fall on a sliding scale... but again that is delving too deep into personality quirks. Hmm to attempt to simplify that: if I had made good dom/bad dom traits lists it would have been entirely different... though some combination of dom/superior lists would lead to a "good" list

It's all good. I like the back and forth. Discussion with others expands and polishes my own points of view.

And, to be clear, my note about "personal view" was not meant to be a reprimand or anything. Just a statement. I love the topic. *smiles*

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Post #: 13

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/27/2015 4:25:50 AM

DerangedUnit

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Oh I didn't take it that way... actually one of my "flaws" I'm completely incapable of taking anything as a scolding.... my silver lining neurons were always dialed up to ten I suppose.

You both mentioned dishonesty(ds as inferior you as submissive) dishonesty is one of my neutral traits, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt and try to figure out the reason for it but the lie itself doesn't bother me... I suppose that's because I've never been harmed by a lie, I have been harmed by silence. I think a lot of information can be gleaned from what people decide to tell you whether true or not, I like the saying "all fiction is a version of the truth" as someone who never lies but is also rarely understood you develop a sort of nuance regarding interpretation.

I agree with you that it can be a submissive trait in the regards of lying out of fear, but I see it as dominant if one is lying to protect another.

Punctuality is one of the ones I see as both dominant and superior, whining is one of the both submissive and inferior ones as is procrastination. Though seriousness I see as dominant but like dishonesty takes a combination to place it in either superior or inferior, usually dependant upon situation not person.

(in reply to NookieNotes)

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RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/28/2015 9:47:54 AM

Nakhla

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Years ago I would have had a very definite list. These days? I can't think of a one. I've less experience with other submissives, but I've met so many doms with diverse and contradictory personalities that I can't think of a single trait other than "wanting to dominate another person" that was common to all of them.

Tons of traits I view as superior and inferior, though I don't tend to link them as having moral value. Intelligent / less so, healthy / less healthy, mentally stable / unstable, physically strong / weak, etc. I can't say I've seen a link between those and D/s.

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Post #: 15

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/28/2015 10:05:07 AM

Spiritedsub2

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The only fairly consistent personality trait I've observed that distinguishes dominants from submissives is the former actively desire to control. While the latter CAN control, usually at work, it's something they do because they have to, not because they want to. That is true of me anyway, can't speak for anyone else. As to superior/inferior personality traits, I think my favorite superior one is responsibility, for oneself and for those people or things one has taken on. I.e., no whining. Maybe that's on my mind because there is so damned much whining on here lately

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Post #: 16

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/28/2015 12:07:52 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

Years ago I would have had a very definite list. These days? I can't think of a one. I've less experience with other submissives, but I've met so many doms with diverse and contradictory personalities that I can't think of a single trait other than "wanting to dominate another person" that was common to all of them.

Yep; the 'want to dominate'. That's all I'd expect, and my only prerequisite ... beyond a host of entirely vanilla qualities, natch ... in a d/s relationship.

_____________________________

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Post #: 17

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/28/2015 12:12:37 PM

NorthernGent

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit

Are there certain personality traits you see as inherently submissive/dominant?

Very few.

I appreciate women who are calm, considered, kind and warm. None of them inherently anything.

But, in terms of what has differed in my relationships:

I have never met a woman who has the drive that I have, mind you I have met very few men with the same drive.

An innate something in your soul which means you have things to achieve, more things to accomplish than you could ever do in a life time but it won't be for the want of trying.

So, the perfect counter-foil for me has always been a woman with an ability to keep me in the present at times).

Perhaps those with a dominant disposition are generally more driven? And I'm not talking about work, because I know there are submissives who are high achievers. I mean an innate need to achieve something every waking minute of the day.

_____________________________

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Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

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Post #: 18

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/28/2015 12:57:21 PM

PeonForHer

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quote:

An innate something in your soul which means you have things to achieve, more things to accomplish than you could ever do in a life time but it won't be for the want of trying.

That would probably be vital for dom or sub. After all, a relationship takes a lot of drive to make it a successful one; no doubt the more so if we're talking about a D/s relationship. Both sides need bollocks for it. Metaphorically, that is.

_____________________________

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(in reply to NorthernGent)

Post #: 19

RE: Dom/sub trait comparison - 3/28/2015 12:59:47 PM

Kaliko

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

The only fairly consistent personality trait I've observed that distinguishes dominants from submissives is the former actively desire to control. While the latter CAN control, usually at work, it's something they do because they have to, not because they want to. That is true of me anyway, can't speak for anyone else. As to superior/inferior personality traits, I think my favorite superior one is responsibility, for oneself and for those people or things one has taken on. I.e., no whining. Maybe that's on my mind because there is so damned much whining on here lately

I'd have to agree with this.

(in reply to Spiritedsub2)

Post #: 20

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