RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink

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Marini -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/2/2015 11:50:26 AM)
Hello AAkasha, Yes, it was a "bit" of an exaggeration, but I have been on here for 10 years. Life/or experiences are never a one size fits all scenario, BUT in my case, the example that I gave, is very close to my reality on here. I have had more men contact me on here, that come close to being the submissive in that scenario, than NOT. Thanks for starting this thread. Mari

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/3/2015 7:43:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NookieNotes quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha Femdoms - if you have experienced this, how have you curtailed it without just putting out the hint that "you need to start showing interest in me as a person or this will fizzle" -- in which case, you don't know if the interest is sincere? quote: ORIGINAL: NookieNotes Offline, I do not. Men do not like to sit across from me at a much, in a play party, or on a date and ask me how large a dildo I think I can force up their ass. smiles Frankly, it is very difficult for a man to meet a Lady online; particularly, a Dominant. Yes, some of it is intimidation, deference to the Dominant etc. Yet keep in mind, some men do extensive research before sending an email. Myself, that includes items like: reading Your profile, looking at Your interests .... Reading Your last 50 posts on the message Boards ... [sm=doh.gif] ... oooh already know a lot about the OP, what should I ask now? [;)] So Ladies, please know it is incredibly difficult to ask You questions online, especially when You have already revealed so much! Sometimes, one is tempted to ask ... simply ... so what is Your favorite way to cum? [:)] When i write, i already know way more about You than You know about me. ... and have to in order to intrigue and catch Your attention. Otherwise i will end up deleted and unread. So if You want a man to ask You questions ... do what Nookie Notes says ... sit across from him in real life ... instead of online games. Particularly when You already have a live in partner and are simply looking for ... [;)] ... fun

Marini -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/3/2015 8:23:11 PM)
wow, Thanks for telling the Dominant women what we are doing wrong. [8\|] How very helpful. this is just too much.

dreamlady -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/3/2015 8:48:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo Frankly, it is very difficult for a man to meet a Lady online; particularly, a Dominant. Can you be more specific, other than sheer numbers of males outnumbering females in most cases, particularly available Dommes? Unless that is precisely what you are referring to. [:)] quote: ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo Yet keep in mind, some men do extensive research before sending an email. Myself, that includes items like: reading Your profile, looking at Your interests .... Reading Your last 50 posts on the message Boards ... [sm=doh.gif] ... oooh already know a lot about the OP, what should I ask now? [;)] So Ladies, please know it is incredibly difficult to ask You questions online, especially when You have already revealed so much! Sometimes, one is tempted to ask ... simply ... so what is Your favorite way to cum? [:)] This may be true for you, but I would venture to say that you are the exception to the rule. Much to your credit. Except for wanting to ask a lady how she prefers to come, when you wouldn't dare dream of doing so with a vanilla woman you were interacting with on line from a vanilla dating site. Tsk, tsk. (Bad boy!) [sm=shame.gif] I don't understand the revealing so much part. A plethora of information should springboard you into having at your disposal dozens of different topics open for discussion. In fact, what a man hones in on will reveal to us where his head is at, and if it's not where it should be, then I guess he'd be better off clamming up -- aka S-ingTFU. [:D] Hmm, I think I know where this is going. Dudes who want to non-consensually engage Dominant women in interrogation play for kicks. [;)] quote: ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo So if You want a man to ask You questions ... do what Nookie Notes says ... sit across from him in real life ... instead of online games. Particularly when You already have a live in partner and are simply looking for ... [;)] ... fun If I had ample opportunity to sit across from a sub in person who remotely interested me, I certainly wouldn't have been spending time on line searching. Or with regard to any man for that matter, openly submissive or not. Spoken tongue in cheek perhaps, seeking. . . I can't speak for anybody else, but I'm looking for a helluva lot more than just fun and having a good time. If that were the case, there is no shortage of willing play partners to be had to Top at the local or semi-local dungeon. I don't have a primary partner, but even if I did and he knew where things stood hypothetically if his Mistress were to choose a poly lifestyle, that would be immaterial in terms of a Domme lowering her standards as a result. It seems to me that those who do not take Dominant women seriously as dating and intimate partnership material beyond the scope of being able to say they have a Mistress on the side who supposedly "owns" their greedy ass, while they're wriggling out of their CB6000s to carouse around with vanilla women whom they don't hesitate to take out on dates in the off-chance they'll get lucky enough to get a bj. . . are these selfsame "submissive" men. DreamLady

NookieNotes -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/4/2015 3:53:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo Yet keep in mind, some men do extensive research before sending an email. Myself, that includes items like: reading Your profile, looking at Your interests .... Reading Your last 50 posts on the message Boards ... [sm=doh.gif] ... oooh already know a lot about the OP, what should I ask now? [;)] So Ladies, please know it is incredibly difficult to ask You questions online, especially when You have already revealed so much! Sometimes, one is tempted to ask ... simply ... so what is Your favorite way to cum? [:)] As dreamlady said, this should just give you MORE to discuss with us, not less. It certainly does for those I maintain regular conversations with.

AAkasha -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/4/2015 12:43:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo quote: ORIGINAL: NookieNotes quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha Femdoms - if you have experienced this, how have you curtailed it without just putting out the hint that "you need to start showing interest in me as a person or this will fizzle" -- in which case, you don't know if the interest is sincere? quote: ORIGINAL: NookieNotes Offline, I do not. Men do not like to sit across from me at a much, in a play party, or on a date and ask me how large a dildo I think I can force up their ass. smiles Frankly, it is very difficult for a man to meet a Lady online; particularly, a Dominant. Yes, some of it is intimidation, deference to the Dominant etc. Yet keep in mind, some men do extensive research before sending an email. Myself, that includes items like: reading Your profile, looking at Your interests .... Reading Your last 50 posts on the message Boards ... [sm=doh.gif] ... oooh already know a lot about the OP, what should I ask now? [;)] So Ladies, please know it is incredibly difficult to ask You questions online, especially when You have already revealed so much! Sometimes, one is tempted to ask ... simply ... so what is Your favorite way to cum? [:)] When i write, i already know way more about You than You know about me. ... and have to in order to intrigue and catch Your attention. Otherwise i will end up deleted and unread. So if You want a man to ask You questions ... do what Nookie Notes says ... sit across from him in real life ... instead of online games. Particularly when You already have a live in partner and are simply looking for ... [;)] ... fun Asking "What is your favorite way to cum" -- I hope that was a joke? That's not a great ice breaker. The fact that I am partnered does not mean I did not struggle with being single until my early 30s, actively seeking men who would see me as a woman FIRST and also accept, appreciate my intense sadism. It's no wonder I fell hard, head over heels, with a man who stumbled into my chatroom on my site and did not ask me one kinky thing for weeks. In fact I had a hard time determining if he was sub, kinky, curious, naive (he was only 22 to my 31) - he was just too polite to discuss such sexual matters unless I dragged it out of him. And drag it I did. Huge breath of fresh air. That's 10 years of dating aggressively online and in real life in kinky and non kinky venues. Regarding that there's too much out there to even comment on (for me, example would be all my posts and all my writing, sure). It's all the more reason to find the nuggets of information and intrigue. A chunk of my vanilla career is in publicity. It's extremely hard to get clients covered by reporters from Wall Street Journal because reporters get HUNDREDS of emails a day from idiots who don't even know what beat they cover. If I want to get my client in the Wall Street Journal, I do my research. That means reading every article, checking Twitter, reading the profiles, hell, even looking for personal connections (animal lover? hockey fan?) The only way I can ensure my email doesn't end up in TRASH unread is if mu subject line is amazing. I spend hours on a subject line, and am equally prepared to leave a succinct voice mail or get my story into 15 seconds or less should I get a reporter on the phone. I get results. But what is as important is the awareness and understanding when the story just isn't the right fit. SURE, I WANT to get into the Wall Street Journal. Who doesn't? But I don't put my reputation on the line or my clients' with a story angle that is not newsworthy, is too self serving, or doesn't have substance. And that I can't back up immediately. The idiot's guide to publicity is to cut and paste the same email to 500 reporters and piss off all of them then cry when the phone does not ring. If you want results, you have to work.

littleladybug -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/4/2015 12:59:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha The idiot's guide to publicity is to cut and paste the same email to 500 reporters and piss off all of them then cry when the phone does not ring. If you want results, you have to work. Do you ever initiate?

NookieNotes -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/4/2015 1:11:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha That's 10 years of dating aggressively online and in real life in kinky and non kinky venues. Wow! I'm so sorry. It seems like you had a run of bad luck. I just haven't had those experiences. Like I said, I probably am not the right person to comment on this thread. smiles

AAkasha -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/4/2015 1:40:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NookieNotes quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha That's 10 years of dating aggressively online and in real life in kinky and non kinky venues. Wow! I'm so sorry. It seems like you had a run of bad luck. I just haven't had those experiences. Like I said, I probably am not the right person to comment on this thread. smiles Well - I will clarify I was not unhappy during that time. I had two pretty good long term vanilla relationships that let me play outside in clubs and at parties, and then a smattering of kinky short term relationships and wild experimentation. Going back and forth to SF for weekends to go to private play parties, even dabbled in being a pro femdom for all of 10 minutes (lol), and went out dancing 3 times a week to alternative clubs to find "prey" -- although casual. I wasn't single and lonely, I was more insatiable and impatient, but enjoying single life. When I hit 30 though I did start thinking I wanted to settle down and yearned for a soul mate and was pretty sure he'd be vanilla and we'd have to figure it out. I had NO intentions of falling for a 22 year old Canadian "boy" and dealing with immigration nightmares. But we've been married almost 14 years now I think. He's still my best friend. I wouldn't call his personality "submissive" but I'm clearly in charge, sexually and in the relationship, he's just very attentive and has a natural desire to see me really happy above all else. I am the same way about him, but it manifests differently. We do have challenges with my desire to play with other men as he's jealous and protective, but we work through it. Akasha

AAkasha -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/4/2015 1:45:17 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: littleladybug quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha The idiot's guide to publicity is to cut and paste the same email to 500 reporters and piss off all of them then cry when the phone does not ring. If you want results, you have to work. Do you ever initiate? All told, looking at all my relationships (romantic, kinky, casual, real life and online) I probably initiate 95% of the time. I get a kick out of being somewhat predatory and seductive. I led all my relationships for the most part. But in that, there were men along the way - both real life and online - that either I showed an interest in and then they failed to keep me interested by treating me like a person, or that maybe caught my eye early on and then by the third interaction (third date, third email, whatever) it was clearly just him waiting for me to do everything - the questions, the courtship, everything. I tend to hold onto men a long time. My secondary partner (for lack of a better term) and I have been talking daily now for about eight years. The dynamic has changed as he's getting more romantically involved with women in ways that make it inappropriate for me to have my kinky way with him, but I don't just let it go. I asked him two nights ago if I could fly into down and torture him. He said, simply, "Uh, no." But we're still dear friends. If the current ladyfriend he is pursuing falls off his radar you never know :) Akasha

marsneedswomen -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/5/2015 7:31:26 PM)
Last observation: If you are submissive, let her do the fishing when it comes to the scene. You don't want to be perceived as looking for wank material. Humor doesn't always come across in the written word or on the phone as it does face to face. This isn't a movie or book where you can rewrite the lines. Mnw

NookieNotes -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/6/2015 2:19:44 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha All told, looking at all my relationships (romantic, kinky, casual, real life and online) I probably initiate 95% of the time. I get a kick out of being somewhat predatory and seductive. I led all my relationships for the most part. While I lead, I rarely initiate. Perhaps this is part of where the disparity in experiences comes in? Not that I don't enjoy being predatory and seductive, as you put it, I do! Very much. I just do it after I've already created that foundation. So, I focus on them coming to me and proving to me that they are worth more and more of my time and investment. Not because I think "that is how it should be," but because I truly believe (based on my experiences) it puts men I interact with at their best (over time, too, one of the foundations of denial and chastity). quote: I tend to hold onto men a long time. Yeah, me too. If someone makes it past 6 weeks with me, they have a better than 50/50 chance of lasting more than five years. In the past 23 years, I've spent 21 of it with three men, 15, 4 1/2 and most recently 1 1/2 years (and going). That said, I'm mercenary about searching for the "unacceptables," and ending a relationship as quickly as possible in the early stages, since there are too many options to settle for something that doesn't work from the beginning, no matter the chemical cocktail of hormones that may go with it.

SweetlySadistic1 -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/6/2015 6:51:18 PM)
I've had both kinds of experiences, the sub who is only and always about kink on the early dates and stages of getting to know each other and the ones who inquire about my life outside of kink, the vanilla interests and such. And I tell them Ii'' be completely honest with them, to ask away. I've found that the ones who do ask are more interested in me as a person and more interested in a relationship dynamic, the ones who don't just want the kink and want/need a fetish dispenser. The ones who do ask are the ones who get anywhere with me, the others...meh, goodbye. SweetlySadistic1

seekingOwnertoo -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/8/2015 8:20:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha Asking "What is your favorite way to cum" -- I hope that was a joke? That's not a great ice breaker. LOL You have it ... twas a way to put a smile on my face! [:D] And of course it is a terrible ice breaker too! That said, given Your description of the work You do to get published, than i presume You totally understand the (sometimes) frustration men can feel trying to approach a Domme Lady online. Some of my post here earlier was also conditioned by an old acquaintance from Montreal, that we both knew. She used to tell me how creepy it was to have men read every word she wrote online, and know so much about Her! [:D] Even as she prolifically pointed out her every word, online. I guess that is a "go figure" syndrome. On the flip side, I am also aware that Women are flooded with BS messages here on this web-site; much the same way I get swamped on the SD/sb web-site; which is another place that amuses me. So if I have anything to add, it is that finding others is difficult for both sides of the knee as well as both genders. Myself I am sure my online email obtains an unusually high response rate for a male ... and intend to keep it that way. And regarding You AAkasha, I have read enough of Your written words over the years, to know You are balanced and committed in all that you are involved in ... keep up the good work! [:)] You are actually a breath of fresh air![:)] Enjoy!

NookieNotes -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/9/2015 3:19:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo She used to tell me how creepy it was to have men read every word she wrote online, and know so much about Her! [:D] Even as she prolifically pointed out her every word, online. I guess that is a "go figure" syndrome. Hmmm. I think that's weird. LOL! Why would I write online if I don't want people to read it? What do you mean by "go figure" syndrome?

dreamlady -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/9/2015 10:21:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NookieNotes quote: ORIGINAL: seekingOwnertoo She used to tell me how creepy it was to have men read every word she wrote online, and know so much about Her! [:D] Even as she prolifically pointed out her every word, online. I guess that is a "go figure" syndrome. --- I think that's weird. LOL! Why would I write online if I don't want people to read it? --- Some women can be arbitrary, however I also find that weird. It sounds as if she only wanted the type of sub men she would be interested in to pursue her, and it doesn't work like that. Then there's always the person, whether male or female, who comes to believe they know you personally based on what they've gleaned. As long as they don't start stalking you, it isn't an issue. Is it possible, seekingOwnertoo, that the series of subject matters she chooses to concentrate upon are provocative ones that are more TMI than educational? I'm not saying that she causes herself to attract unwanted interest, but that's how you might end up feeling creeped out. There are just certain areas where I won't go into detail unless it's pertinent, not because I'm reluctant to share my own experiences or pov, but because I don't care to contribute to providing fodder for those who are out to satiate their own wankfest.* DreamLady * In addition to not wanting to violate TOS or forum guidelines, obviously.

Chrisp7135 -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/10/2015 12:24:21 PM)
AAkasaha, You are about as communicative as a person can be (from reading your posts). You also seem very open about yourself as far as that goes (within the bounds of normal privacy). I think the men you are describing are simply dullards when it comes to engaging in interpersonal relationships. I'm not too sure what can be done about that, especially if that is their baseline. Could it be that you are attracted to the strong silent type? If so, I can't tell you how many vanilla women have made that same lament about their man from the same perspective. Interesting and intriguing people are not a dime-a-dozen. That's why they are interesting and intriguing. chris

dreamlady -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/10/2015 5:02:09 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Chrisp7135 Could it be that you are attracted to the strong silent type? There is the type of man who is the strong stupid type, and this may not reflect upon his overall intelligence. Stupid as in dense and clueless when it comes to women. I've met engineers and accountants who are like this, and then I've met some brilliant engineers who had developed social skills (can't say that about any male accountants, though). Not to get into OP's personal business, but I have female relatives who have always gone for the "pretty boy" type, both the kind with a muscular physique and those skinny-jeans wearers with barely any muscle tone. [:'(] Me, I avoid "pretty boys" like the plague. They're usually conceited as hell because they've been told all their lives how "cute" they are, and this makes them believe they don't have to work at anything, that life should be handed to them on a silver platter. I'll take substance over good looks, along with a large dose of charm and bon vivant. A sense of humor is mandatory, let's not forget to add -- humorlessness is not an attractive quality. DreamLady

LilithMorrigan -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/19/2015 9:56:26 PM)
I've found a lot of online interactions are colored by the general cultural issue of women existing as sex objects for men. In that context, dominant women are just a very particular special edition Barbie doll and all the more exciting because of it, driving weak men quickly into wank territory. For the longest time - and still, in my personal life - I treat this as a convenient, upfront way to learn I'm not interested in pursuing a particular person as a partner, and if the interaction happened online, I just hit the block button and continue on my way. Recently, I've cut down a lot of interactions simply by being pro. "You want me to be X? Sure, give me $X." Not a one-size-fits-all model for sure, but it works well for my place in life. That said, I spent a good deal of time talking to my last client about gardens and cooking, which is more than I can say for some people who supposedly wanted to date me.

SeekingNimue -> RE: Subs rarely ask questions about a femdom's life outside of kink (5/20/2015 7:02:56 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha I've posted about this before. But it continues, and it is something I think that leads to dominant women feeling more like fetish objects than women. In the "getting to know you" phases of online and real life femdom/malesub interactions, I find the same rut occurs: I do all the asking (tell me about your hobbies, what made you laugh today, what do you think about x,y z in the news, etc) -- because getting to know the man behind the sub helps develop chemistry, etc. Plus, we are both people. The responses are always decent and thorough, but there are rarely questions back. I even can drop hints about things - "oh, having a tough time with a situation at work" or "one of my pets is acting hilarious" -- no response from said sub about "tell me about your pets! When did you get it?" or "work stuff is challenging, happens to me too, did you want to elaborate? I am a good listener." When it comes to kink of any kind - toys, history, fetishes - the questions do go back and forth. Usually, "Mistress (sic) do you like x?" or if I mentioned a kink, there's a two paragraph elaborated response about it and more follow up questions. Really great thread/question. I haven't finished all the responses yet, but it's all fascinating. I just wanted to circle back to one thing you mention here. You wrote "In the "getting to know you" phases of online and real life femdom/malesub interactions . . ." [emphasis added]. I am wondering if you really find this happens more or less similarly or equivalently on-line and in-person. I have always found that it is considerably more difficult for me to remember that there is a real person on the other side of a "virtual" conversation (and yes, I realize that should be obvious), and I have definitely, on occasion, said things or treated people on-line in ways that I would never have considered saying or doing to a real human being directly in front of my face. Let me hasten to be clear - I'm not talking about weird serial-killer stuff, just basic rudeness or insensitivity. And an environment like collarspace, laced as it is with highly distracting kink/sexual "ambiance" (for lack of a better term), seems tailormade for that kind of mental hiccup. Hence my curiosity. Of course, that would do nothing to explain the guys who actually miss rather broad hints of the sort you mention. The fact is, and I really doubt this comes as a surprise to any woman, men as a rule are very task/outcome-oriented. Most of the time most of us are a lot less focused on process in general and relationship/social context in particular than many women tend to be, or might wish us to be. We can train ourselves (or be trained ;-)) to pay more attention to those things, but it tends to be a slow and bumpy process. Which makes me wonder about another thing - do you notice any age differences in this regard? All the jokes about oblivious and sex-obsessed guys have roots in this basic truth. And the solution to that is a hard and frustrating one, namely, sticking to your guns and keeping your expectations high. If you let guys make excuses - "I'm shy" or "I didn't know that was OK" or whatever - then that's what you'll keep getting, because it is always easier to make excuses (or apologies) than it is to change. Letting go of those guys who can't (or just won't) meet you halfway on this kind of stuff is the right call, for yourself and maybe for them as well. You seem like a pretty amazing woman-person; if you "get away" because they had their eyes (or whatever parts) too focused on the "prize", that might be a major learning experience. Sorry if that sounds harsh or gloomy; that was not my intent. But I think this is an area of intersexual dynamics where we (collectively) don't step up and call a spade a spade often enough. Of course, that is all my opinion - take it for what it's worth. ;-)

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