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Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/5/2015 12:49:10 PM

Bhruic

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From: Toronto, Canada
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I'm interested in what things or experiences, in people's adult lives, that introduced them to the idea that there was something beyond what people would call "vanilla sexuality" that piqued their interest.

One of my friends told me her first exposure was when she got a job as a jeweler's assistant, and realized they made fetish genital jewelry. For another of my friends it was early exposure to the John Norman books.

The other thing that interests me is, for people in BDSM or alternative lifestyle relationships... where they didn't know if their partner was in to that when they met.. how did you introduce the topic of kink and get the ball rolling?

One of my friends told me that he was walking down Yonge street in Toronto with his new girlfriend, cruising the shops, and when they passed Northbound Leather - a fetish shop - they went in to browse and he asked her "If you could buy anything in here, what would you buy?" I thought it was a cleaver way to introduce the topic of BDSM and kink to their relationship.

Thoughts?

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 5/5/2015 1:35:56 PM >

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/5/2015 2:23:38 PM

Bhruic

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From: Toronto, Canada
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opps

< Message edited by Bhruic -- 5/5/2015 2:24:23 PM >

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/5/2015 3:41:57 PM

dreamlady

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Interesting question which I cannot answer fully, although I don't want to be deliberately cryptic.

A long time ago back in the '70s and '80s, I thought I was kinkier than most. I'm not referring to what people my age were exposed to about swingers, hearing about wife-swappers, open marriages, communal living and that sort of lifestyle. We'd heard about nudist colonies scattered out there.

This was considered to be aberrant behavior, as in promiscuous and licentious, hedonistic, irresponsible in a sense. But there was still a fairly tolerant attitude towards sexual unconventionality, a growing tolerance for alternative lifestyles being here to stay in more metropolitan areas, not in isolated rural ones.

Back in the day "alternative lifestyle" was the code word for homosexuality. Not much was known or discussed concerning bisexuality. I suppose - like switches - a person was simply chalked off as being confused.

Bhruic, you have to understand, this was when oral sex was considered to be kinky. Still is by some middle-aged folks of my generation or older. (In fact, there are newbie subs who identify as oral slaves who think face-sitting or any other form of oral worship is kinky. I don't; to me, this is just normal, as in my baseline along with "regular" forms of sex. Not typical or conventional, but regularly engaged in by couples.)

There were popular sex manuals like The Joy of Sex, The Sensuous Man, The Sensuous Woman, Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex*,*but were afraid to ask, etc. The so-called Sexual Revolution was becoming more and more mainstream. Definitely anal sex was (and still is) considered to be super kinky by most, and pegging between straight couples was unheard of.

We called one another "freaks" back then, fondly. The song by Rick James "Super Freak" speaks of this.

BDSM? D/s? Those were beyond the pale. There was no such thing as BDSM -- it was "B&D"-Bondage & Discipline and/or "S&M"-Sadism & masochism. Pre-Internet. There were no accessible "communities," and instead there was a mostly urban underworld of which we suburbanites did not associate (such as Haite-Ashbury, San Francisco, and Greenwich Village NYC, with its growing gay communities; LA, well, everybody knows anything goes in LA). The term Domme was unknown of -- sadistic women were called Dominatrices. The D/s aspect of a Dominatrix appealed to me insofar as B&D, but S&M did not (and still doesn't). It was also understood that a Dominatrix was a professional for hire to provide kinky sexual services, so not much of a role model out there for Dominant women.

So. . . there I was, couldn't find a kinky man for the life of me around my age or older for a couple of years. Until I finally did.

I can't really elaborate on that in these forums, trust me.

DreamLady

Edit - punctuation

< Message edited by dreamlady -- 5/5/2015 4:04:20 PM >

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/5/2015 4:23:39 PM

AAkasha

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I was kinky and into bondage before I was even sexually aware. I think that's why I have such strong "bondage lust" that I can almost totally differentiate from "general horniness" -- or can experience the two lusts together.

Two things recently made me very aware of my bondage and femdom urges that were with me prior to even a first kiss, or first orgasm:

* I was cleaning out old boxes and found flirtatious notes - the kinds passed in high school - from a guy I was "going steady" with. Age was around 15. He asked in the note if should "bring a necktie" to our date (my mom was dropping me off apparently) because he did not plan to wear one, but wanted to know he had one if I needed it. I remember tying him up when we used to make out. Just tie his wrists together. That is all. But I loved it. Apparently he went right along with it. We never went past first base.

* I re-watched Star Wars and Empire recently after getting hooked on the podcast "Star Wars Minute." I saw it in the theater when I was nine years old or so; I still remember the trash compactor scene got me excited, but what really flipped my switch was the Han Solo torture scene in Empire (although I felt bad that I liked it); I was 14.

I was tying up guys and making them "pretend" to struggle long before I lost my virginity.

And to this day I still go nuts with bondage, S&M even if no sex is involved. Gives me a high, a rush. A couple years ago I tied up a totally dressed (well dressed, I might add) gay guy at a bowling alley during a charity event. Because why the hell not, right?

Akasha

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/5/2015 4:46:44 PM

LipstickLeuger

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I was an avid fan of the GOR books as a young teen. So when I dated a guy that was into BDSM I was on board with it. LOL That ended quite badly, though.

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/6/2015 2:11:20 AM

NookieNotes

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I was one who started young. I used my (then) bossy nature to order the other kids around to play "sex" on each other in the ways I wanted them to, asked them questions about how it felt, then made them do to me what I thought seemed interesting.

Of course, I had many sources of information, from found porn magazines, Penthouse Letters ("I never thought these letters were true, until it happened to me. You see, one day at the amusement park last summer..."), and the late night HBO sex and violence stuff my dad would record with his 50-pound VCR (we had one of the first).

Ah! The memories!

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/6/2015 3:44:18 AM

vivaciousgrace

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As a teenager, in my early clubbing days in a goth/alternative nightclub.

I was approached by a very handsome young man dressed from top to toe in leather who very politely asked "Excuse me madam. Is it ok if I speak with you."
And that simple act of obtaining permission was a revelation compared to the usual approaches of groping, drunken, disrespectful men that I was used to.

I decided to find out more about this polite gentleman and what made him tick, which led neatly to me meeting others on the fetish scene and learning more about what satisfies different people and what works for myself. I encountered a lovely, open and friendly group that would talk about and experiment with all kinds of things, focusing on how things felt for all parties, clear consent, mutual satisfaction... and it felt right to be a part of that.
So much nicer than the mine field of selfish and vanilla sex, where my needs always seemed to be the last thing on anyone's mind.

Never looked back.

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/6/2015 8:22:01 AM

Bhruic

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I think that, for everyone, sexual awareness starts early in life. And even if we are not thinking of something actually connected to kink, everything seems kinky at that time.

This is just my opinion... But I think that it is when we venture out in to the world and start our adult lives that we really have the freedom to explore. It's then that something happens, we meet someone, or have an experience, or muster the courage to explore something that takes our former sense of who we think we are, and changes it to a "Yes! I am confident this is who I am".

I have been a sexually inquisitive person for as long as I can remember... but it wasn't until much later in life, when I ventured with my partner to my first "sex club" that I felt I had really committed to accepting my sexuality and my sexual interests as an integral part of who I was as a person. I think for most people, it is in adulthood when you really come in to a confidence in who you are.

I think that's the "ah ha" moment, or subtle transformation to confidence that I am interested in.

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/6/2015 11:58:00 AM

NookieNotes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Bhruic
I think that's the "ah ha" moment, or subtle transformation to confidence that I am interested in.

I just didn't have that. I've always felt the way I do, and there was never a defining moment that I can remember.

Though, I did grow up around kinky and alternative people. So, maybe it was like a vanilla person never having their "a-ha," because it's just what was expected/normal all along.

*smiles*

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/8/2015 8:03:49 AM

Bhruic

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From: Toronto, Canada
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Well that's definitely a unique experience that would colour things :)

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/8/2015 7:33:32 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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I grew up in a gay summer community. Seeing people in kink outfits was ho hum to me. Cross dressing contests, yawn.

What I didn't see there was any commitment. If a relationship lasted the entire summer it was extraordinary.

As a result, I didn't seek to express my need for bondage. Because a lasting, loving relationship was always something I sought more and I truly didn't believe you could have it all.

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/8/2015 7:45:02 PM

shiftyw

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I knew a long time. I grew up with the Internet.

My ah ha moments are way more the moments that I decided to dial back the "submission" aspect and get into just the kinky sex. I realized I wasn't well equipped to be submissive outside the bedroom- and for me that took a lot more realization and reflection than discovering that I was kinky.

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/8/2015 8:34:03 PM

Cell

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I don't think I've had a "Ah ha moment". I've always had it in me and I don't go to "sex clubs".

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/9/2015 10:19:55 PM

RemoteUser

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I developed late, sexually. My experiences happened to have BDSM context from the outset, more from my partners than from myself. So I explored, found what I liked, and enjoy what I do. I'm always up for more exploration; however large the island you've settled upon, there's always the call of the horizon and discovery. Only now, I have more points of reference for what I know is enjoyable to me, and what is not.

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/17/2015 2:57:22 PM

smileforme50

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I can remember having fantasies about spanking, bondage and confinement from the time I was 6 or 7 years old. It was interesting but I had a feeling even at that age that it definitely was not something to mention to my parents.

When I was about ten, I was a real trivia nerd and I discovered a book called "The Book of Lists". If you have never heard of it....that is exactly what it is....just a book of weird lists covering dozens of categories. There was a chapter in the book called "Private Parts"....and it was all about SEX. Needless to say, at 10 years old, it was my favorite chapter....

There were quite a few lists that dealt with sadomasochism....and I was fascinated. This was the first time I realized that I wasn't the only one in the world who had fantasies like me.

But I also realized that living in Delaware, I was probably never going to meet any of those other people, so through my teens and twenties I just put it in the back of my mind and didn't pursue any of it.

Until I was 30 and I got my first home computer and discovered the internet.....the rest, as they say, is history.

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/17/2015 6:56:12 PM

ResidentSadist

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Mine was early exposure to psychology books on human sexual behaviors, the philosophical and fictional writings of the Marquis de Sade and Sacher-Masoch. I was 13 years old when I read Letters From Prison by de Sade where he explained we are not born with morals, they are impressed on us by our environment and only serve to reflect our geographical location. For example, in the middle east thieves are looked down upon and they will cut off your hand if caught. Here in the states we idolize Bonnie and Clyde or old western bank and train robbers for having a rebellious spirit of freedom.

So when I was 14 years old and met a 30 year old swinger's magazine publisher, who was into BDSM, I was gung ho without reservation. By the time I was 15 I had a poly submissive and have never gone back to vanilla since.

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/18/2015 2:01:09 AM

MariaB

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My very first sexual fantasies were about spanking males my own age. I have absolutely no idea where that came from; perhaps I witnessed a boy getting spanked but if I did I don't recall. Like Nookie, I always wanted to be in charge when it came to organising games and teams. My best friend who I went to school with often reminds me about my 'my way or the highway' attitude when we were youngsters.

As for BDSM, I can remember walking along a street with a friend when I was about 18 years old and her pointing out this house where BDSMers lived. As she explained the sort of things they got up to I remember imagining this coven of devil worshippers. My Catholic upbringing was clearly what influenced those thoughts and morals back then.

I was sexually kinky from the get go but I didn't consider any of it to be BDSM until later.

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/18/2015 7:40:16 AM

sexyred1

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I just knew from a very early age. I used to be very interested as a kid watching cartoons and movies where women were tied up or captive, etc.

When I was a teen, my English teacher in high school, gave me the Story of O (yes, very inappropriate, but he must have sensed something).

I realized that my interests were sexual and I was open to it.

As for finding out how partners met in vanilla ways are into it? I just ask them.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 5/18/2015 7:41:00 AM >

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/18/2015 8:35:37 AM

MariaB

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quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1

I just knew from a very early age. I used to be very interested as a kid watching cartoons and movies where women were tied up or captive, etc.

When I was a teen, my English teacher in high school, gave me the Story of O (yes, very inappropriate, but he must have sensed something).

I realized that my interests were sexual and I was open to it.

As for finding out how partners met in vanilla ways are into it? I just ask them.

Penelope Pitstop!

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My store is http://e-stimstore.com

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RE: Personal beginnings and relationship beginings... - 5/18/2015 11:15:20 AM

dreamlady

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I really am going to try to make this as concise as possible. If it sounds too weird for words, then this isn't for you.

The most significant childhood memory I have, had to do with D/s in terms of power and authority, not with kinky BDSM activities, early fantasy yearnings or whatnot (which paled by comparison).

I witnessed an atrocity that I could do nothing to prevent. The adult chaperone couple who were present did nothing to intervene.
I saw what evil boys could do, unchecked. Perhaps someone else can psychoanalyze this in a detached, objective manner. I couldn't.

There were four of us, two girls and two boys on summer vacation. My best friend's parents had a secluded summer lakehouse. They hired help to supervise us.
We respected adult authority, followed basic house rules, the usual lights out and no sneaking into each other's gender-segregated bedrooms in the middle of the night. (We tried once, but got caught.)

Things went well the first few days. We roasted marshmallows over a campfire on the private beach.

One horrific day, the boy who had been my best playmate for the past couple of years, who was a year older than I was but who had always treated me as his equal, went berserk.
Not all at once. Steadily. He began hunting the plentiful frogs along the lake shore. He caught them, then he began spearing them with a stick. The other boy was a follower and joined into this Lord of the Flies frog massacre.
Neither of them heeded our protests and pleas to stop the slaughter. Seeing that these boys were possessed with their bloodlust-like killing frenzy, the male chaperone checked out and retreated back into the chalet where his wife had never ventured out of the entire time.

The worst part was when the boys started roasting the frogs alive over the campfire, laughing with sadistic glee. The small shore was littered with dead frog corpses, hundreds of them.
These images were burned indelibly into my mind, and I resolved then and there that not being in charge of a situation and allowing others to get out of control by not having the power to influence their actions, was an unthinkably dangerous state of affairs.

DreamLady

Edit - clarity

< Message edited by dreamlady -- 5/18/2015 11:26:15 AM >

(in reply to MariaB)

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