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Domme girl looking for advice - 5/7/2015 5:23:32 PM   
WestoriQueen


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/7/2015
Status: offline 		Hi, I'm a 21-year-old woman with no experience in BDSM relationships, however I have always had Domme/sadist inclinations. For example, if I'm attracted to a guy my fantasies will almost always involve dominating him and "forcing" him into submission. I have no real interest in regular PIV sex and I am pretty consistently Domme. Have no interest in Dom guys... I'm mostly into guys who are skinny, usually not tall and often slightly younger than me, with a "twink" type of look. Generally I like my guys to be open-minded/interested in being submissive but not "too" kinky... like if I met a guy who had a sex dungeon in his house, that wouldn't really appeal to me, because the fun of "corrupting" them is lost. I also like guys who are subs rather than slaves - like, I don't want them to wear a gimp mask all the time and I want them to have a backbone in general and sass me out a little. You know?
Well I met this guy online (on an online game, actually) who is very much my type physically and very into me it would seem. He's just turned 19, 169cm tall, skinny body, blue eyes, floppy hair and speaks slightly broken English with a sexy accent (he's from Scandinavia). He's also an inexperienced kinkster and says that he wants a "mistress" to serve.
So, I guess it's kind of crazy that we found each other in this way.
I guess the problem is I am almost sort of... bored by him sexually? We've been video chatting all the time and he is consistently asking me to "act like mistress" which kind of almost turns me off because like, I don't want him ASKING me to do things. He also seems to have certain ideas about how I should act based on femdom stuff he's watched online. If he was paying me or something, obviously this would be fine. But having him ask me to do stuff or even hint in an obvious way is just a huge turn-off for me.
I also feel kind of awkward, because I'm supposed to be the Domme here and I have no clue what I'm actually doing. I'm just not used to saying my fantasies out loud at all. And it's quite hard for me to communicate to him what it is I want because I feel somewhat awkward about it and am still working it out in my head. Like, I feel sort of weird because I do feel 100% like a Domme in terms of my attitude and desired sexual dynamic with guys, but I don't want to be dressing up in latex all the time and having someone who acts like a complete pushover. I guess I like a challenge. I don't even know what you call that, really.
I'd be most turned on if he just sort of batted his eyelids at me and came off as genuinely innocent and unsure. I've actually tried telling him this, but (maybe not helped by the language barrier) he is EXTREMELY unconvincing in acting not-too-interested.
I guess we do have a lot of sexual tension but I feel like our expectations are just so different. I suppose for me, I don't want a "slave" I want a kind of naughty sub guy who I can have more of a lightly BDSM-tinged dynamic with. He keeps trying to call me "Mistress" and telling me he will do anything for me and I don't know how me can work this out. I guess it's hard because I don't actually know for certain what it is I want yet. I don't know what I want him to call me. And I'm not too sure what I'd want us to try doing, either on cam or in terms of conversation. But there is an attraction there.
I feel like he wants me to be extremely mean to him whereas I'd have more interest in a sort of loose Mommy/baby type D/s dynamic.
And when I don't respond positively to his attempts to up the kink-level in a conversation (i.e. I just sort of change the topic) he gets confused and interprets it as me lacking interest (in BDSM and/or being Dominant) but in reality I just need time and for him to stop trying to initiate things. I guess from his perspective it's confusing because I've told him I am into that stuff so he now expects us to immediately have that dynamic. But for me... I need to be able to chase him more or else the fun is gone...
I don't know what we should do here? I do like him in the sense of finding him attractive and sweet and he likes me. And we have discussed meeting in real life as a possibility in the future.
My name is supposed to be WesterosiQueen, btw. Typo.
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RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/7/2015 6:31:15 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		Hello, Khaleesi.

Sounds like you two are physically attracted to each other but lack chemistry beyond that. If that's the case, stop trying to force things to work.

He has expectations of how he wants you to act based on porn he's seen. This is not uncommon among guys with sub leanings. This is not the last time you'll encounter it.

quote:

...in reality I just need time and for him to stop trying to initiate things. I guess from his perspective it's confusing because I've told him I am into that stuff so he now expects us to immediately have that dynamic. But for me... I need to be able to chase him more or else the fun is gone...
Have you specifically talked to him about this? What was his response?

It may be that you two are simply not compatible, and you'd be better off finding a more suitable partner.

_____________________________

~Roxie

(in reply to WestoriQueen)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/7/2015 7:07:21 PM   
WestoriQueen


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/7/2015
Status: offline 		Yeah, as I say, the language barrier makes it hard. He has no actual sexual/BDSM experience and his English is self-taught, but not as bad as I might have implied. It's actually pretty good considering he didn't speak any English until the age of about 13 and learned it mostly through playing online games.
I guess in my head I just think that because he likes me so much (he is literally constantly expressing adoration for me, not necessarily in a BDSM context - he tells me he wants us to date and have general physical closeness etc. as well) I can somehow get him to fulfill the type of sub role that I find desirable. But, I know that sounds really bad. When I'm reading it, I feel awful, because I'm basically saying I want to use his apparent unconditional infatuation with me to mold him into what I want in a sexual sense. The thing is, he doesn't actually mind. He keeps telling me he's willing to do/be anything I want, he just isn't very good at it.
I've talked to him about it, but I think the nuances are lost on him. For example if I tell him I'd rather he acted a little less worshipful/doormat-like towards me (or something to that effect) he interprets that as me wanting him to act Dom (not that this is what he wants, but he thinks that's what I'm saying).
I think it would be hard to say we weren't compatible, because he doesn't seem to actually have any hard-set preferences and is very open to being "shaped" (open to being shaped into being less slave-like? Seems a little ironic)... his only knowledge is from fetish sites... and he is actually quite headstrong in some ways... and we do have A LOT of chemistry literally it is sizzling... there's just a sort of discrepancy in terms of expectations...
I honestly wouldn't mind meeting him halfway and dressing up in fetish gear here and there if I was getting my desires fulfilled.

< Message edited by WestoriQueen -- 5/7/2015 7:14:53 PM >

(in reply to RockaRolla)
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RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/7/2015 10:41:20 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

I feel like you are an exact replica of me when I was your age as a femdom. I was "dominating" (I use the term lightly- it was some bondage, roleplaying, hair pulling, etc) when dating for several years before really learning about S&M and then encountered my first subs, and was totally put off by their pushiness, "worminess," hinting, telling me their blatant fantasies.

If you are not shy, I highly recommend getting comfortable in your own skin, enjoying the process of seduction, perhaps pursuing some younger (vanilla) guys, and then truly enjoying their nervousness and uneasiness as you start to reveal your sadism. Some hair pulling, then a smile of pleasure when they wince. Telling them to hold still while you restrain them, then ordering then in a whisper, 'Struggle." I used to get off on simple things like telling a guy to pretend he is desperate to not allow me to kiss him, so I would have to pin him by the chin.

The challenge you may have with your existing boy is he's totally "shot out of a cannon" and desperate to move things along - he has lots of pent up fantasies. Sub men who are totally pent up almost vomit and ooze their desires and they cannot even control themselves. But if he is honest about his desire to surrender, make him surrender. In an email, list the things you want him to practice so he can "perform" for you. Turn it into HIM ding a SHOW for you. Not about his fantasies, but yours. Tell him that no matter HOW obscure the demands are, he must obey. So many subs just get all excited and think it's party time for their fantasies.

If you have not watched it, watch the comedy "Bull Durham." It's a baseball comedy, but it's got a great underlying kink vibe to it. The femdom in it pursues a young, rookie catcher and he's your prototypical hot mess - too eager, sensually clumsy, and she has to basically re-wire him. First date she says, "Have you ever been tied up in bed?" and he gets ALL excited. Then once tied up and he's going "WOO HOO BRING IT ON BABY!" she proceeds to read poetry to him. That's all. Later she reflects, "A man will sit quietly and listen to anything. As long as he thinks it's foreplay."

Encourage him by telling him you are getting TURNED ON.

Does the way the young sub acts in this video excite you? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bl-S7YWBQaw

Show him - make him learn it. If he doesn't listen to your suggestions, tell him he is boring you.

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to WestoriQueen)
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RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/8/2015 12:16:30 AM   
WestoriQueen


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/7/2015
Status: offline 		Well actually our current interactions are very much him putting on a show for me. He usually wears underwear (or sometimes not) and I watch him while wearing a t-shirt and jeans. If I tell him I want him to do something like put a finger in his mouth and suck it or bite his lip he does immediately. He just has a tendency to very quickly become over eager and start offering not-so-subtle suggestions as to what he would like and then I get immediately bored and turned off.
I think I might try talking him about this. I need to tell him he is not to push our conversations in this direction and he must always leave it to me to initiate if/when I desire. I'm also going to tell him very clearly to stop trying to call me "Mistress" which for me feels a little too detached/like a financial exchange, although I'll need to come up with an alternative I find preferable. In most situations though I just like to be called by my name. Like, unless it is explicitly D/s.
The other option is just to tell him our involvement is going to not involve anything D/s for the time being and see how things play out from there.
If we were in the same space in real life, I'd probably be more sexually forward/aggressive and just jump on him and pin him down, but it's not possible through a computer. Unfortunately.
He's just been winding me up so much lately. I guess part of the problem is that as an inexperienced Domme I am hugely concerned about not seeming "dominant enough" already and having someone suggesting I "use different voice" or similar (without me asking for an opinion) is NOT helpful.
I love vanilla/curious guys who will get a little freaked out and put up a fight before giving in. Mmm. ;) And yes the guy in the video is hot to me. I will try watching that film sometime!

(in reply to AAkasha)
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RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/8/2015 3:08:09 AM   
ModernMiss


Posts: 1
Joined: 5/8/2015
Status: offline 		I think that it's important for you to voice (to him, and yourself) catering to his fantasies and wishes primarily isn't dominating - even if he bottoms in those fantasies. If your wishes align with his, that would be wonderful. However, if he continually keeps pushing then he's effectively being the more dominant party. After all, he wants his fantasies fulfilled, on his time schedule, the way he feels it should be done. To me, that's topping from the bottom. Some people might enjoy that, but it's not for everyone.

If that's not what you're after, make sure he understands you are not a service Top. Hopefully when he takes the backseat, you'll find your Dominant nature sparks up. Good luck!

(in reply to WestoriQueen)
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RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/8/2015 9:36:29 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestoriQueen

Well actually our current interactions are very much him putting on a show for me. He usually wears underwear (or sometimes not) and I watch him while wearing a t-shirt and jeans. If I tell him I want him to do something like put a finger in his mouth and suck it or bite his lip he does immediately. He just has a tendency to very quickly become over eager and start offering not-so-subtle suggestions as to what he would like and then I get immediately bored and turned off.
I think I might try talking him about this. I need to tell him he is not to push our conversations in this direction and he must always leave it to me to initiate if/when I desire. I'm also going to tell him very clearly to stop trying to call me "Mistress" which for me feels a little too detached/like a financial exchange, although I'll need to come up with an alternative I find preferable. In most situations though I just like to be called by my name. Like, unless it is explicitly D/s.
The other option is just to tell him our involvement is going to not involve anything D/s for the time being and see how things play out from there.
If we were in the same space in real life, I'd probably be more sexually forward/aggressive and just jump on him and pin him down, but it's not possible through a computer. Unfortunately.
He's just been winding me up so much lately. I guess part of the problem is that as an inexperienced Domme I am hugely concerned about not seeming "dominant enough" already and having someone suggesting I "use different voice" or similar (without me asking for an opinion) is NOT helpful.
I love vanilla/curious guys who will get a little freaked out and put up a fight before giving in. Mmm. ;) And yes the guy in the video is hot to me. I will try watching that film sometime!



I'm having a lot of flashbacks here :)

A couple of thoughts:

1) Every man is in it for a reason. A motivation. Vanilla guys may not have a submissive agenda, but they have a vanilla one. What made it easy growing up is that most vanilla men were simply excited/engaged at the sensuality, the fact that it was REALLY turning me on, the ability to not have to take the "lead" intimately (shy guys loved this), and then the hope that they'd get laid or a blow job - to be frank. I always made it clear that wasn't on the table (unless I wanted it).

2) If you REALLY like what this guy is doing for you when you are behaving, and you cannot get him to stop doing the things that bug you, consider negotiating with him that you'll have "play time" for his fantasies SEPARATE from when you play for YOU. And, that the way he responds/reacts during "his playtime" must strongly attempt to pushing your buttons. Make him f'ing MEMORIZE your hot buttons. THEY FORGET. Hell, I used to have some sub guys WRITE SHIT DOWN! Vanilla guys always remembered the small stuff, because they had no distracting fantasies rolling in their head and eagerness trying to figure out how they could get their own games going.

3) If you decide to do that tit-for-tat exchange, because - after all - he deserves to have HIS needs met (unless you want to chalk it up to incompatibility and move on) then get him to outline his fantasies to you and take them and figure out how you can manipulate them into a hybrid of what may excite you. USE his fetishes to torture him. Make him BEG for things, and when he does it wrong, correct him. You may find that you are starting to develop an interest in fetishes you used to find sort of irrelevant.

4) Tell him to stop calling you "Mistress" and he he gets cheeky and says "I guess you need to punish me" then end the playtime. Don't ever put up with this manipulative bullshit, even once. A pushy bottom's dream is a femdom he can manipulate into something like, "Don't call me that name again! Every time you call me that, I am putting an ice cube in your ass!" -- well, hot damn, he wins TWICE! Always: Ignoring him completely is the only way to punish, so long as he knows why and how and what is going on.

5) Like you, I found that just my name was good for a title; Sometimes "Mistress" works if it is not overdone. Since he speaks another language that I am sure is very hot, make him tell you the similar name in a different language. Maybe it will sound good.

Keep us posted!

Akasha


_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to WestoriQueen)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/8/2015 10:23:22 AM   
WestoriQueen


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/7/2015
Status: offline 		Oh, yes, he has tried that... Me: Don't do x, it annoys me Him: Oh, I guess you'll have to punish me then? Me: *ends conversation and rages*
"If you REALLY like what this guy is doing for you when you are behaving" - Sorry, what does this mean exactly?
I DO like shy-type vanilla guys, tbh.
I want to meet his needs. I guess I'm actually a slightly "subby" Domme (subby isn't the right word, I'm just not sure what is) because I get a lot out of giving a sub pleasure on my terms. I WANT to give him a good time if we were to meet and I don't think he is dissatisfied... I've already told him I'd be open to dressing up here and there and letting him suck my toes etc. Although having him act like a full-on slave doesn't really do anything for me sexually/mentally, I wouldn't mind it at all on occasion if I could just relax and was getting what I enjoyed from him at other times. I guess it's hard to define the boundaries in terms of remaining Domme while taking into account the sub's interests, though. However, that said, he seems to actually like the idea of just doing whatever I want and he doesn't have any specific hardcore fetish that I'm uncomfortable with.
And yes, I love him to talk in his language. I was actually considering asking if he had an appropriate translation for "Mistress" or something similar.
Earlier he randomly attempted some sort of "laddish banter" towards me which sounded enormously out-of-character for him and I was just like, "Wait, what?" and he was like, "I'm trying to be the kind of slave you like" and I was like, "No, that's just called being a jerkass" and he apologised. I was messing around with the jerkass comment, 'cause I just have a kind of bitchy/sardonic SOH. But, I think he is really not getting it. He's trying so hard though, poor guy...
I then jokingly said that I would write him a list detailing exactly how I wanted him to act and translate it and he said yes to this. So maybe that's not such a bad idea if I can work myself up to it.

< Message edited by WestoriQueen -- 5/8/2015 10:26:20 AM >

(in reply to AAkasha)
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RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/8/2015 12:03:24 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		Here's the thing. If you're a D and you meet an s with similar interests, you get to do things you both enjoy.

It really sounds like you have different ideas of the ideal D/s dynamic and are trying to force each other into your molds. It won't work.

_____________________________

~Roxie

(in reply to WestoriQueen)
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RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/8/2015 2:38:08 PM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		It sounds like his needs are intimidating you and what you have to keep reminding yourself is, most of us dominant women have, in our early years, been in the same place your in now. Experience brings confidence and once your confident, only then does your beautiful journey really begin. It also sounds like he's going through sub frenzy and is desperate to transform you into what he needs. The last thing he wants though, is to lose you and so you can be firm and you can absolutely speak your mind and tell him how its going to be. Just keep that firmness consistent and don't give him an inch when it comes to him trying to manipulate his needs out of you. He wants you to call the shots even if those shots are to say, "NO"

_____________________________

My store is http://e-stimstore.com

(in reply to RockaRolla)
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RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/8/2015 3:29:01 PM   
AntiS0cial


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/29/2014
Status: offline 		The two of you have different ideas on what you want, and he's currently trying to game the system. He is not trying to place himself in your control or submit to you, he;s trying to "Top from the Bottom" as the saying goes. He has an idea of what he wants his Mistress to be, and he's trying to manipulate you into becoming what he wants. If you want to continue to have something with him, you need to curtail this right now.

Set limits, make rules, and ignore him when he disobeys them. He desires your attention, so the best way to punish him long-distance is by denying him that. Set absolute standards like "I will be online from X to Y, adjust your schedule." and only be online during those hours. Tell him how your conversations will go, "You will remain silent until I ask you to speak, then you will start and finish each sentence with ..." If he has no actual fetishes that interest you, have him explore some that do.

You are the Dominant and therefore you are the one who needs to start framing the relationship. If he as any specific desire that aren't unreasonable (you wearing certain outfits, names for each other, etc) then you should absolutely attempt to make them happen, but only after he has done the same for you several times over. He is offering control (even in a seemingly half-assed manner) and you are the one who needs to seize it if you want there to be something.

(in reply to MariaB)
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RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/8/2015 5:13:22 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AntiS0cial

The two of you have different ideas on what you want, and he's currently trying to game the system. He is not trying to place himself in your control or submit to you, he;s trying to "Top from the Bottom" as the saying goes. He has an idea of what he wants his Mistress to be, and he's trying to manipulate you into becoming what he wants. If you want to continue to have something with him, you need to curtail this right now.

Set limits, make rules, and ignore him when he disobeys them. He desires your attention, so the best way to punish him long-distance is by denying him that. Set absolute standards like "I will be online from X to Y, adjust your schedule." and only be online during those hours. Tell him how your conversations will go, "You will remain silent until I ask you to speak, then you will start and finish each sentence with ..." If he has no actual fetishes that interest you, have him explore some that do.

You are the Dominant and therefore you are the one who needs to start framing the relationship. If he as any specific desire that aren't unreasonable (you wearing certain outfits, names for each other, etc) then you should absolutely attempt to make them happen, but only after he has done the same for you several times over. He is offering control (even in a seemingly half-assed manner) and you are the one who needs to seize it if you want there to be something.

While I agree that some punishment (not funishment) would be necessary in this dynamic for it to work, I'm not sure if ignoring him is going to be effective. IME that tends to hurt the /s more than correct the behavior.

Then again, considering this guy seems to be going for more funishment I have no alternatives to suggest.

_____________________________

~Roxie

(in reply to AntiS0cial)
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RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/8/2015 5:14:17 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: AntiS0cial

The two of you have different ideas on what you want, and he's currently trying to game the system. He is not trying to place himself in your control or submit to you, he;s trying to "Top from the Bottom" as the saying goes. He has an idea of what he wants his Mistress to be, and he's trying to manipulate you into becoming what he wants. If you want to continue to have something with him, you need to curtail this right now.

Set limits, make rules, and ignore him when he disobeys them. He desires your attention, so the best way to punish him long-distance is by denying him that. Set absolute standards like "I will be online from X to Y, adjust your schedule." and only be online during those hours. Tell him how your conversations will go, "You will remain silent until I ask you to speak, then you will start and finish each sentence with ..." If he has no actual fetishes that interest you, have him explore some that do.

You are the Dominant and therefore you are the one who needs to start framing the relationship. If he as any specific desire that aren't unreasonable (you wearing certain outfits, names for each other, etc) then you should absolutely attempt to make them happen, but only after he has done the same for you several times over. He is offering control (even in a seemingly half-assed manner) and you are the one who needs to seize it if you want there to be something.


Great advice.

But I suspect there is more than that.

It's the ache. The ache that happens when you see a man you are attracted to, see GLIMPSES of what you need, and you can't him to figure it out. But spelling it out -- blatantly- just destroys it. Sure, I can send a guy a minute by minute breakdown - ok run your hand nervously through your hair, lick your lips here, then when you exhale later, let it come out in an almost subtle whimper. Look down, avert your eyes, let me see your chest expand with every nervous breath. blah blah blah. I mean that takes ALL the allure out of it.

All I find I can do is give VERY good feedback, "Oh, what you did just now is incredible. Do it again. Ok, again. Better. Now close your eyes, wait, think about it, and do it again." And then, I PRAY that he remembers five days later. A lot of guys forget the whole exercise and it's right back to, "What do you want me to do with my balls Mistress?"" "Uhh, I never even mentioned your balls."

I always go back to this INXS music video for Taste It. Michael Hutchence (RIP), ever struggle of his hips, the way he resist when she puts her fingers in his mouth, where you can see the shaking in his shoulderblades. I give it to ALL the subs I court, but may just still lay (or sit) there like a lump.

Video does not really get going until 1:40: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTz2XYmNtP8

And then, the same, Trent Reznor in "Closer" - the struggle in the chains, the wincing in his expression, the desperation:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eROTYeIyJg

I could go on..and on...and on...(sigh)

Akasha




_____________________________

Akasha's Web - All original Femdom content since 1995
Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to AntiS0cial)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/8/2015 6:14:15 PM   
dreamlady


Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline 		Fast Reply: He has sub fever, you have Domme fever. We've all been there before. You're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I don't see this ever going anywhere.

As you get older, you'll find as Akasha mentioned that the "allure" factor has everything to do with feeding your passion. Would you want to have to spell every single thing out for a vanilla boyfriend? Doesn't that just kill the romance? BDSM doesn't give these guys a free pass to circumvent being in a supplicant position that even vanilla males should observe, and your on-line bf isn't being much of a sub or acting like a boyfriend should either. Right now it sounds like you have a young, horny dude who's getting off on being a kinky bottom, who's Topping you from the bottom to get you to follow FemDom porn scripts that are looped inside his head -- his big head and his little head.

He's what I would call an iron fist sub and you are more of a velvet glove Domme, like many of us are. Find yourself a velvet-glove compatible sub to experiment with and enjoy yourselves. It shouldn't have to seem like you've taken on a major work project or a thankless undertaking. There are plenty of other fishies in the sea who would be better suited to your tastes.

Btw, you aren't his Mistress until you own him, regardless of what language either of you use. This boy is unowned and not being respectful or attuned to fulfilling your wishes.

DreamLady

(in reply to WestoriQueen)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/9/2015 6:03:30 PM   
WestoriQueen


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/7/2015
Status: offline
quote:

It's the ache. The ache that happens when you see a man you are attracted to, see GLIMPSES of what you need, and you can't him to figure it out. But spelling it out -- blatantly- just destroys it. Sure, I can send a guy a minute by minute breakdown - ok run your hand nervously through your hair, lick your lips here, then when you exhale later, let it come out in an almost subtle whimper. Look down, avert your eyes, let me see your chest expand with every nervous breath. blah blah blah. I mean that takes ALL the allure out of it.

All I find I can do is give VERY good feedback, "Oh, what you did just now is incredible. Do it again. Ok, again. Better. Now close your eyes, wait, think about it, and do it again." And then, I PRAY that he remembers five days later. A lot of guys forget the whole exercise and it's right back to, "What do you want me to do with my balls Mistress?"" "Uhh, I never even mentioned your balls."


That just killed me right there. That sounds like my guy literally 100%. It's pretty hilarious when you put it that way.

And yeah, I do actually feel pretty insulted to be addressed by a title that I haven't asked for. It makes no sense whatsoever unless an agreement of ownership has actually taken place.

This really is a complete disaster right from the language barrier to the different preset ideas we have about what D/s entails and the fact I've given him way too much control over the situation already to the point where it's almost irredeemable and he's pretty much treating me like a pro-Domme without any monetary exchange. I just can't help but like him. And he does seem to like me as a person and tells me this regularly. I have a lot of issues and most guys would have run a mile after some of the stuff I've told him - and I have no money or anything else to offer - so either I am really, really good at fulfilling his desires despite not being the iron fist Domme he envisages and having done almost nothing, or... I don't know what...

Also, I don't encounter many guys who are extremely attractive to me. He's like my equivalent of the fantasy chick from Weird Science. Unless I go to a Scandinavian fetish club I don't think another one is going to fall onto my lap any time soon. Sadly.

Btw, we had ANOTHER argument last night. Yes, it's that volatile. He messaged me asking if I was "up for dominating him later" (really) and I jokingly responded admonishing him for being so demanding and un-sub-like. He then got upset and started accusing me of "getting pissed at him" and causing problems between us and how he can't say anything right etc. etc.

I know, I can hear the alarm bells in my head. He is a little crazy, although I think the language barrier and his absolute lack of knowledge of how these things work probably doesn't help. Okay, there I am, defending him... He is a very sweet and endearingly naive though. Like, really, he is the sort of person you would go, "aww" when you meet him, I'm not even exaggerating here. Maybe that's why I'm still frantically trying to smother bandages over our non-relationship...

< Message edited by WestoriQueen -- 5/9/2015 6:17:16 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/9/2015 8:47:11 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WestoriQueen

quote:

It's the ache. The ache that happens when you see a man you are attracted to, see GLIMPSES of what you need, and you can't him to figure it out. But spelling it out -- blatantly- just destroys it. Sure, I can send a guy a minute by minute breakdown - ok run your hand nervously through your hair, lick your lips here, then when you exhale later, let it come out in an almost subtle whimper. Look down, avert your eyes, let me see your chest expand with every nervous breath. blah blah blah. I mean that takes ALL the allure out of it.

All I find I can do is give VERY good feedback, "Oh, what you did just now is incredible. Do it again. Ok, again. Better. Now close your eyes, wait, think about it, and do it again." And then, I PRAY that he remembers five days later. A lot of guys forget the whole exercise and it's right back to, "What do you want me to do with my balls Mistress?"" "Uhh, I never even mentioned your balls."


That just killed me right there. That sounds like my guy literally 100%. It's pretty hilarious when you put it that way.

And yeah, I do actually feel pretty insulted to be addressed by a title that I haven't asked for. It makes no sense whatsoever unless an agreement of ownership has actually taken place.

This really is a complete disaster right from the language barrier to the different preset ideas we have about what D/s entails and the fact I've given him way too much control over the situation already to the point where it's almost irredeemable and he's pretty much treating me like a pro-Domme without any monetary exchange. I just can't help but like him. And he does seem to like me as a person and tells me this regularly. I have a lot of issues and most guys would have run a mile after some of the stuff I've told him - and I have no money or anything else to offer - so either I am really, really good at fulfilling his desires despite not being the iron fist Domme he envisages and having done almost nothing, or... I don't know what...

Also, I don't encounter many guys who are extremely attractive to me. He's like my equivalent of the fantasy chick from Weird Science. Unless I go to a Scandinavian fetish club I don't think another one is going to fall onto my lap any time soon. Sadly.

Btw, we had ANOTHER argument last night. Yes, it's that volatile. He messaged me asking if I was "up for dominating him later" (really) and I jokingly responded admonishing him for being so demanding and un-sub-like. He then got upset and started accusing me of "getting pissed at him" and causing problems between us and how he can't say anything right etc. etc.

I know, I can hear the alarm bells in my head. He is a little crazy, although I think the language barrier and his absolute lack of knowledge of how these things work probably doesn't help. Okay, there I am, defending him... He is a very sweet and endearingly naive though. Like, really, he is the sort of person you would go, "aww" when you meet him, I'm not even exaggerating here. Maybe that's why I'm still frantically trying to smother bandages over our non-relationship...



Hi there,

The bickering and fighting could very well be him being passive aggressive - he isn't getting what he wants. It's a red flag. Or, he is genuinely frustrated and not sure how to deal with it, and needs more gentle direction.

I SO relate to having a guy so incredibly handsome with such potential yet he can go from turning me on in a huge way to making me roll my eyes. And, his concept that I am in femdom mode 24/7. Not sure how it is for you, or any other femdom, but it's just like sexual arousal for me. Sometimes I just find myself horny. Other times, I have to be seduced into it. And it's a passive seduction - it means he doesn't push or prod or hint or sulk, he just is himself and picks up on my clues and feeds into my "hunger" as it builds.

Guys just don't "get it." Vanilla guys, I found, kind of were fascinating by it, from a mind-fuck POV, and were intrigued. Because - you guessed it - they had no kinky agenda, no ideas, no porn. Asshole (vanilla) guys were more like, "Oh hey you are kinky? Are you going to tie me up and give me a blow job" (me: no. And you - get out of here). Shy, polite men were more like -- "Ok this is interesting, a little scary, just promise you won't hurt me. " followed by "oh my god, that turns you on SO much, I want to understand more, I want you to feel that way again!" Not thinking, "Oh damn, I really wish she'd use a strap on....I wonder if she has a strap on. I should ask her."

I wrote a story in something like...1997. It kind of illustrates this frustration. I moved it to the free area of my site for you and anyone who wants to read it:
http://www.akashaweb.com/autumnfree.html

It contrasts two men. It's based on a true story. Like many subs, I had that boy totally fixed up to be PERFECT, but his personality was just not meshing. And it was way worse than I put in the story because I knew he would read it and I did not want to insult him. But he was pushy, sulking, manipulative, one-track-minded. Annoying. Unless he was bound, gagged and on the floor.

The other man in the story I ended up dating quite some time. And he was awesome.

Remember OP -- this is just the start. Don't settle.

Akasha

< Message edited by AAkasha -- 5/9/2015 8:48:20 PM >

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to WestoriQueen)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/9/2015 9:28:17 PM   
WestoriQueen


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/7/2015
Status: offline 		So funny. Your type is exactly like mine. I find guys are always confused because I like skinny weak-looking guys and they're like, "WTF, I thought girls liked muscles?" I like blue eyes though. Don't really care about eye colour but I guess I'm more partial to blue because of the innocent look it can give on the right guy. I think you're the same as me in that I have to have a "vanilla" connection with a guy on some level for the D/s dynamic to do anything for me - and of course to find them insanely attractive. Just wondering, did you meet Alex in a conventional setting? And was he already a sub/into S&M? If so how did you find out? I TOTALLY feel you on the part where him showing up naked and shaved completely turned you off.
The dry pussy analogy is so spot on. It's like, if a guy just comes out and offers to do/says they want something, it's no fun. At all. It's like in a vanilla situation if a guy just starts shoving his fingers in and out of a girl and prodding her clit awkwardly without taking any time to get her warmed up or build anticipation. Really pointless tbh.
I feel kind of self-conscious, I guess, because sometimes I just want to wear something a bit "cute" or be "courted" in a none S&M sense (not all the time, but on occasion) and I'm thinking, does this make me "less" of a Domme? Is the guy going to struggle to see me that way? Because I am multi-faceted, sexually my preference are pretty clear-cut in terms of being a Domme/light kind of sadist but just generally I am a bit of a mix; I can be both shy and assertive or feminine/ladette-ish depending on how I feel.
And yeah, I honestly don't know if my guy is being passive aggressive or is just genuinely confused. But he's not like a "normal" guy. He just seems very very innocent and I find it hard to believe he would actually be consciously trying to manipulate the situation. Or maybe I'm just being stupid in that regard.

(in reply to AAkasha)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/10/2015 4:19:03 AM   
thishereboi


Posts: 14463
Joined: 6/19/2008
Status: offline 		Kinda hard to read, but I will give it a shot. So you found this guy who fits what you want physically but he bores you sexually and he asks you to do things you don't like in a way that turns you off. You also say you really don't know what you want yet, but it seems like he isn't it.

So what's the problem? Dump the guy, figure out what the fuck you want and then find someone who actually fits that description. Perhaps quit worrying so much about what they look like on the outside and more about what they are like on the inside.

_____________________________

"Sweetie, you're wasting your gum" .. Albert


This here is the boi formerly known as orfunboi


(in reply to WestoriQueen)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/10/2015 1:51:58 PM   
AntiS0cial


Posts: 7
Joined: 5/29/2014
Status: offline 		I have to agree with thishereboi. The more you describe it, the more it seems like this is not going to work, ever. Whether it's due to a language barrier or different ideals of how things are supposed to work, this doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Don't fall prey to physical attraction just because he's your "type"; better to take some time to figure out what you actually want, both as a woman and as a Domme, before trying to get into anything serious.

And no, there's nothing wrong or unusual about wanting to be courted or wooed - how you are in the bedroom doesn't have to dictate your everyday behavior. I'm firmly a Dom in the bedroom, but I'm actually very easy-going in everyday life. I see no reason to be "always on" and try to dictate every circumstance according to my personal whims.

Besides, it's just flattering to flirt a bit and have someone find you attractive. Hell, I love it when I go to the local Gay bar for karaoke and have guys buy me drinks - it just tells me that someone thinks I'm pretty. ;)

(in reply to thishereboi)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Domme girl looking for advice - 5/10/2015 4:10:39 PM   
WestoriQueen


Posts: 8
Joined: 5/7/2015
Status: offline 		I'm not looking for anything serious or even looking for a relationship at all, he just happens to be offering himself up to me on a plate. We are "together" as of now and are back to Skype chatting in an intimate/romantic sense without any explicit D/s element. He wants to meet in real life and this might happen in the near future, depending on how I feel.
It's not just a physical attraction, I think he is an adorable person in every way possible and we've developed a sort of emotional bond and codependency. We are both lonely people with no friends and no life except for computer games and we keep each other company despite the language barrier. He smiles all the time when he talks to me in a way that seems unmistakably genuine. If he looked the way he did and had a completely different personality I wouldn't find him attractive at all. His physical appearance happens to align with what I like on paper in a lot of ways but he is just an absolute sweetheart. If he wasn't pursuing me constantly it's possible that I might not bother to try and make things work between us, but he is incredibly selfless, constantly telling me how he wants to do anything he can to help me feel better (since I'm clinically depressed) and sending me adoring messages telling me how he thinks I'm amazing, the only girl who has everything he wants, he is willing to give up everything for me... it's quite hard not to feel flattered.
I don't think the relationship between us is particularly normal or functional but neither of us is interested in relationships in general or bothered about having sex in the conventional sense. I think he sees there as being a possibly of us eventually having a serious long-term relationship. I don't and I told him this. He said he doesn't mind and is willing to change his entire life vision so he can be with me in whatever way I want. It's all rather intense.
As for the implication I'm being superficial - I really don't think that's fair. Of course, I haven't given every possible detail about my situation in life and motivations in terms of relationships (or at least, have tried to avoid doing so) and have only stated things that are immediately relevant to the situation at hand. But the bottom line is, I'm not looking for someone to marry and have a normal relationship with - either normal in BDSM terms or otherwise. I'm quite content without having any relationships at all, I just happened to meet someone who is attractive to me and is desperate for us to have something while not looking. So I'm trying to make things on some level, both because he has cheered me up somewhat and added some excitement to my life and because I do care about him in a sense and want to be able to reciprocate as much as I can.
If you are looking for someone you want to have a sexually fulfilling liaison with, physical attraction is undeniably important, combined with having the right kind of energy, spark and vibe. Having mutual goals and interests is a bonus. Someone could be enormously compatible with me sexually and in terms of D/s preferences, but if they're a bodybuilder with a shaved head, I'm not going to be feeling it.
And I'll just take time to point out that the kind of guys I consider extremely attractive are usually slightly gawky looking nerd/gamer guys who for the most part have had no luck with women and have spent their lives being "friendzoned" by girls - current guy included. I actually tend to find male model types distinctly unappealing. But my preferences are fairly lenient and I will give pretty much any guy a chance physical appearance-wise provided they're skinny and have a full head of hair - that's my only requirements for attraction to be a possibility.

< Message edited by WestoriQueen -- 5/10/2015 4:27:15 PM >

(in reply to AntiS0cial)
Profile   Post #: 20
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