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RE: Guidance - 7/22/2015 4:17:10 PM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Husbandidntgive1

Wow how exciting to see everyone's posts and comments. I don't understand how they went so quickly from tips and useful advice to insulting assumptions, however my marriage is pretty great, after reading the comments and a few other things on her I have had some really open conversations with my husband about things and I was able to articulate what I was feeling in a way I previously could not. I would just like to thank you all!!


You are quite right in saying that we gave you tips and even insulted you, but the main reason is that you came into the chat board for advice with only 25 percent information to give to us, so what did you think was going to happen. I will even break it down for you.

You informed us that he lets you make a decision and then gets angry when you make one and he does not like it, but WHAT did you decide ? I mean, did he ask you to put a nice dress on and the one that you picked out was not to his liking, did he ask for meat on Tuesday and then you gave him pasta and he wanted a steak, it could have been more things. You still did not point out to us what were the decisions, so of course we had to go by our own experiences, simple.

You then talked it out, which should have been the first thing anyways. That is great to hear. The one thing in MY eyes is that you did a sit down with him, and did not go to a third professional party. Any person can say something to a partner to alleviate the situation but does not resolve it. Examples could be smoking, gambling, cheating. Oh yes I will stop doing that, the person does for about a year maybe 2 months. maybe 5 years, and then it happens, the person gambles, cheats, smokes, drinks, masturbates.

In my eyes you should have gone to a councillor, a professional.

Then you get miffed, understandably. It just lets me think of a person that lets people use their ball to play a game, like a baseball or basketball and then when they do not play by their rules they take the ball away and go on home.

Its your pick what you do. We just give advise on what information we are given. Simple.

Frank Ar.


_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to Husbandidntgive1)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Guidance - 7/22/2015 9:00:43 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

You are quite right in saying that we gave you tips and even insulted you, but the main reason is that you came into the chat board for advice with only 25 percent information to give to us, so what did you think was going to happen.


omg, I had to look twice to make sure this was not a Gorean thread because it suddenly had that flavor...

I cannot see how any OP earns insults. They might earn silence but not insults. They might earn some more thoughtful questions to add to our knowledge before giving advice.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to FrankAr)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Guidance - 7/22/2015 9:08:37 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Husbandidntgive1

Hello all,
I am looking just for advice so that I can make my husband even happier. Not so I can top from the bottom. Firstly i need help on how to discuss these issues with him without destroying the excitement anticipation and mystery but still getting what I need in order for our marriage to be more harmonious. We do not talk about bdsm. At all. Ever. And we have been struggling with communication because sometimes he is not clear about what he wants and then I'm in trouble, sometimes he doesn't make a decision and then I am in trouble for what I decide. Mostly I would like him to be more exact with his instructions. I need to know how to get him to do these things without asking because I don't want him to feel criticized. Sometimes when he asks me to do more squats or what I ate I don't react the right way and I just wish he would learn a better way to approach that subject. I don't want us to have some "lifestyle" that defines us or paints us into a corner so I am glad he's not involved in any of the self evaluation stuff but sometimes I think people active in this community know better how to deal with these things. Thank you in advance.
Very respectfully,
His



I think I understand. I suggest you befriend a couple who is into light play, not to play, but to go to dinner and such so there is another male, a male "mentor", who your husband can pal around with and some of those attitudes you look for have a good chance of rubbing off on your husband from his new friend. That's just one ideal, you can perhaps meet this couple at a BDSM munch where you will find couples or at least one who are just exploring what they like just as you two really are and both couples will trigger some good ideas and attitude changes within each other. We did that and you see the guy who mentored me a bit on my profile. I wish you well and good luck!

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to Husbandidntgive1)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Guidance - 7/23/2015 12:57:05 AM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas


quote:

ORIGINAL: Husbandidntgive1

Hello all,
I am looking just for advice so that I can make my husband even happier. Not so I can top from the bottom. Firstly i need help on how to discuss these issues with him without destroying the excitement anticipation and mystery but still getting what I need in order for our marriage to be more harmonious. We do not talk about bdsm. At all. Ever. And we have been struggling with communication because sometimes he is not clear about what he wants and then I'm in trouble, sometimes he doesn't make a decision and then I am in trouble for what I decide. Mostly I would like him to be more exact with his instructions. I need to know how to get him to do these things without asking because I don't want him to feel criticized. Sometimes when he asks me to do more squats or what I ate I don't react the right way and I just wish he would learn a better way to approach that subject. I don't want us to have some "lifestyle" that defines us or paints us into a corner so I am glad he's not involved in any of the self evaluation stuff but sometimes I think people active in this community know better how to deal with these things. Thank you in advance.
Very respectfully,
His



I think I understand. I suggest you befriend a couple who is into light play, not to play, but to go to dinner and such so there is another male, a male "mentor", who your husband can pal around with and some of those attitudes you look for have a good chance of rubbing off on your husband from his new friend. That's just one ideal, you can perhaps meet this couple at a BDSM munch where you will find couples or at least one who are just exploring what they like just as you two really are and both couples will trigger some good ideas and attitude changes within each other. We did that and you see the guy who mentored me a bit on my profile. I wish you well and good luck!


If you read the posting and seen that he never wants to TALK or do anything about BDSM, what do you think is going to happen if he asks someone at the event what it is ? What do you think is going to happen if they go to dinner and he finds out what they are into ? About 3 major things will happen. He finds out at the event and leaves, goes home and and goes ballistic at the wife for lying to him and could lead to him walking out and leaving her. He finds out at the event what it is and he makes a scene and leaves, the wife leaves as well as she can't be there by herself and leaves with her head down in shame, and of course when they get home it could be again like a volcano exploding. The dinner ends abruptly and he walks out and goes home, with the ending having 3-4 different versions. The communication has to start between her and the male to get anywhere, and if you read her latest posting you would know that it has started.

Frank Ar.


_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Guidance - 7/23/2015 1:03:52 AM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

You are quite right in saying that we gave you tips and even insulted you, but the main reason is that you came into the chat board for advice with only 25 percent information to give to us, so what did you think was going to happen.


omg, I had to look twice to make sure this was not a Gorean thread because it suddenly had that flavor...

I cannot see how any OP earns insults. They might earn silence but not insults. They might earn some more thoughtful questions to add to our knowledge before giving advice.

My god a Gor version would have a different type of reply, are you kidding about that ? If people give their experiences with life with what they read from the Op and give the Op their opinion as to what they would do, then they do. The Op read it as an insult, not us. We give advice to what we have been given. If the person does not like it, well we cannot be to blame.

An example would be about trying to gain weight. Some person might let the poster know about drinking beer and eating pizza to gain weight. Someone chips in to say that they will end up being an alcoholic fat person, because that advice insulted them because they might be a fitness trainer. We give advice because we have been there done that, simple.

Frank Ar.


_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Guidance - 7/24/2015 9:54:32 AM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

You are quite right in saying that we ...insulted you

quote:

The Op read it as an insult, not us.


Try reading what you write, Frank.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to FrankAr)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Guidance - 7/24/2015 10:06:09 AM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FrankAr


quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas


quote:

ORIGINAL: Husbandidntgive1

Hello all,
I am looking just for advice so that I can make my husband even happier. Not so I can top from the bottom. Firstly i need help on how to discuss these issues with him without destroying the excitement anticipation and mystery but still getting what I need in order for our marriage to be more harmonious. We do not talk about bdsm. At all. Ever. And we have been struggling with communication because sometimes he is not clear about what he wants and then I'm in trouble, sometimes he doesn't make a decision and then I am in trouble for what I decide. Mostly I would like him to be more exact with his instructions. I need to know how to get him to do these things without asking because I don't want him to feel criticized. Sometimes when he asks me to do more squats or what I ate I don't react the right way and I just wish he would learn a better way to approach that subject. I don't want us to have some "lifestyle" that defines us or paints us into a corner so I am glad he's not involved in any of the self evaluation stuff but sometimes I think people active in this community know better how to deal with these things. Thank you in advance.
Very respectfully,
His



I think I understand. I suggest you befriend a couple who is into light play, not to play, but to go to dinner and such so there is another male, a male "mentor", who your husband can pal around with and some of those attitudes you look for have a good chance of rubbing off on your husband from his new friend. That's just one ideal, you can perhaps meet this couple at a BDSM munch where you will find couples or at least one who are just exploring what they like just as you two really are and both couples will trigger some good ideas and attitude changes within each other. We did that and you see the guy who mentored me a bit on my profile. I wish you well and good luck!


If you read the posting and seen that he never wants to TALK or do anything about BDSM, what do you think is going to happen if he asks someone at the event what it is ? What do you think is going to happen if they go to dinner and he finds out what they are into ? About 3 major things will happen. He finds out at the event and leaves, goes home and and goes ballistic at the wife for lying to him and could lead to him walking out and leaving her. He finds out at the event what it is and he makes a scene and leaves, the wife leaves as well as she can't be there by herself and leaves with her head down in shame, and of course when they get home it could be again like a volcano exploding. The dinner ends abruptly and he walks out and goes home, with the ending having 3-4 different versions. The communication has to start between her and the male to get anywhere, and if you read her latest posting you would know that it has started.

Frank Ar.



Sit back. Take deep breath and read her post again Frank without preconceived notions and you will find that is not what she wrote. It is what you decided she wrote. what she actually wrote was :

"We do not talk about bdsm. At all. Ever."

Which is nowhere near "he never wants to TALK or do anything about BDSM," as you stated.

So the issue is communication and perceptions and using another couple over say dinner or lunch can facilitate aiding in communication, over a casual dinner, and changing perceptions and so easing into this over time, whatever "this" is for them. This is one way. A successful way. A positive way. There are others.



_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to FrankAr)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Guidance - 7/24/2015 10:08:52 AM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

My god a Gor version would have a different type of reply, are you kidding about that ?


She has the Gor version. I gave it to her.

Don't confuse a Gorean response with a typical Gorean forum response.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to FrankAr)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Guidance - 7/24/2015 12:18:57 PM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Husbandidntgive1

Hello all,
I am looking just for advice so that I can make my husband even happier. Not so I can top from the bottom. Firstly i need help on how to discuss these issues with him without destroying the excitement anticipation and mystery but still getting what I need in order for our marriage to be more harmonious. We do not talk about bdsm. At all. Ever. And we have been struggling with communication because sometimes he is not clear about what he wants and then I'm in trouble, sometimes he doesn't make a decision and then I am in trouble for what I decide. Mostly I would like him to be more exact with his instructions. I need to know how to get him to do these things without asking because I don't want him to feel criticized. Sometimes when he asks me to do more squats or what I ate I don't react the right way and I just wish he would learn a better way to approach that subject. I don't want us to have some "lifestyle" that defines us or paints us into a corner so I am glad he's not involved in any of the self evaluation stuff but sometimes I think people active in this community know better how to deal with these things. Thank you in advance.
Very respectfully,
His


Fairly obvious in that you should be approaching him with these concerns.

I appreciate you're looking for a lend of a hand as you're not quite sure which way to turn, but no matter what people say here the solution will be a conversation between you and your partner.

In the event you're looking for a way to broach the subject while keeping the peace, well then providing you're respectful, which clearly you will be; then there's no harm in an open, honest discussion.

Assuming he has your best interests at heart, then he won't have a problem with you raising a concern.

I'm not sure what you mean by: "......"I'm in trouble...." but that doesn't sound good. Do you what to put some meat on the bones of what exactly this 'trouble' constitutes?


_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to Husbandidntgive1)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Guidance - 7/24/2015 1:54:44 PM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas


quote:

You are quite right in saying that we ...insulted you

quote:

The Op read it as an insult, not us.


Try reading what you write, Frank.


Question....Whom said the word, insult, first ?


_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Guidance - 7/24/2015 1:57:57 PM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

My god a Gor version would have a different type of reply, are you kidding about that ?


She has the Gor version. I gave it to her.

Don't confuse a Gorean response with a typical Gorean forum response.


You do not profess yourself to be Gor, I asked that question a long time ago and you replied that you are a Dominant with a submissive, your words not mine.

You know what enough is enough in my eyes, I am just wiping my hands off of you and your type of thinking, not going to waste my time.

Frank Ar.


_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Guidance - 7/24/2015 10:58:24 PM   
MrNiklas


Posts: 12
Joined: 6/20/2015
Status: offline
Yes, I know, words can destroy the fun and break down our secret lovely hidden walls, that we want to have just for private.

Many things to go around this.
Dont know how good you are with computers, but you can always see in your man´s history of what sites and what pictures he likes to watch.

And even easier, ask him to save the pictures he likes, in a new folder.
Get drunk! That is and always been the very best way to know someone fast.
Or if he has some very good close friends, you can talk to them, dont ask what he wants, just ask what they likes, and keep on talking innocently
and they will soon ask or tell you something hidden that will give you a clue.

And its easy to make a website or a blog that you are in control of.
Make different topics and pictures and then you can show him what you did just for fun,
and then read and see the statitics on what he has looked on most:)

But really, it seems you are so very far from eachother.
Yes, you maybe love eachother, but I think you need someone else.
You need someone who you can give yourself totally to, to please, and he cant even tell you.
So you have a boyfriend, and you need a master who can educate you further without love and just for sex.
If you are patient and can survive being single for awhile, you will find both in another future man:)
Patience - George Michael //.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Guidance - 7/25/2015 1:06:50 AM   
FrankAr


Posts: 817
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrNiklas

Get drunk! That is and always been the very best way to know someone fast.



Sometimes the best way is to have a few drinks, to relax, and enjoy. This way a person can open up like you have been friends for decades. Trust me in this, because I have met a few people that after a few drinks, whether male or female, people at work or even just strangers in the night never to see them again ( with this I do mean just seeing someone at the bar and they are fidgety and you know that they need someone to just talk to and you sit next to them and then after a little they open up and they can release and at the end of the night while you walk away from her and never to see her again you can sleep well that night. ) , a few drinks gets them relaxed. They will talk to me like I have known them for years and more, like we were best buddies in primary school.

Maybe not go with the total drunk path, but a few drinks does soothe a lot of people.

There is a catch. What if they do not drink ? Think out side the box. You can still drink but have one every 3 hours or so, and they can drink coke or orange juice, of Fanta. Have a soft drink with them every now and then, simple.

Frank Ar.


< Message edited by FrankAr -- 7/25/2015 1:10:45 AM >

_____________________________

I am just me, simple ol me.

Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

(in reply to MrNiklas)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Guidance - 7/26/2015 4:59:07 PM   
Arturas


Posts: 3245
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FrankAr


quote:

ORIGINAL: Arturas

quote:

My god a Gor version would have a different type of reply, are you kidding about that ?


She has the Gor version. I gave it to her.

Don't confuse a Gorean response with a typical Gorean forum response.


You do not profess yourself to be Gor, I asked that question a long time ago and you replied that you are a Dominant with a submissive, your words not mine.



One is Gorean without your okay or wearing the label. I can live with what you think of me.

_____________________________

"We master Our world."

(in reply to FrankAr)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Guidance - 7/26/2015 5:17:59 PM   
Moderator3


Posts: 3289
Status: offline 		To those it applies to:

Please remain on the thread topic and not get into personal wars that have carried on for years. Feel free to take it private.

Thank you

_____________________________

FAST REPLY




(in reply to Arturas)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Guidance - 7/26/2015 7:11:05 PM   
daniel1973


Posts: 243
Joined: 6/16/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

Fairly obvious in that you should be approaching him with these concerns.


This requires a degree of diplomacy. On the one hand, you want your dominant to know that something's wrong for you, on the other you don't want to create the impression that you want to force his hands.
My solution: ask him/her for help. I've done it only once but it worked wonders.

Conclusion: It all depends on what your dominant wants. Before you don't know that for sure, go no further.

< Message edited by daniel1973 -- 7/26/2015 7:42:00 PM >

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Guidance - 7/27/2015 4:18:05 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daniel1973

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent

Fairly obvious in that you should be approaching him with these concerns.


This requires a degree of diplomacy. On the one hand, you want your dominant to know that something's wrong for you, on the other you don't want to create the impression that you want to force his hands.
My solution: ask him/her for help. I've done it only once but it worked wonders.

Conclusion: It all depends on what your dominant wants. Before you don't know that for sure, go no further.



I agree on the being diplomatic point, but then my post assumes that the OP is a fully grown adult with the ability to be tactful.

Where I disagree is on the "it all depends on what your dominant wants" point.

Any negotiation in any situation must be a win-win, because where one person feels he/she isn't getting something out of it eventually he/she will be left feeling let down and will walk away.

It helps to get things understood and sorted out before you get seriously into the relationship, as I suppose bad habits and conflicts are more difficult to rein in once you're so far down the path.

And, I think it's reasonable to assume that where your partner wants the relationship to work then he won't have a problem with the OP airing her concerns.

Were it I, there'd be no problem. I'd listen and decide, but she certainly wouldn't be 'in trouble'. That to me is simply reasonable and in no way comprises the D/s dynamic. In fact, it enhances it because you can only guide the relationship when you're prepared to listen and act upon any teething issues.


_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to daniel1973)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Guidance - 7/27/2015 6:47:49 AM   
daniel1973


Posts: 243
Joined: 6/16/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
Where I disagree is on the "it all depends on what your dominant wants" point.
Any negotiation in any situation must be a win-win, because where one person feels he/she isn't getting something out of it eventually he/she will be left feeling let down and will walk away.


Ah, position five minutes or five years. You can have both in two minutes with my master, I tellya.

quote:


I'd listen and decide, but she certainly wouldn't be 'in trouble'. That to me is simply reasonable and in no way comprises the D/s dynamic. In fact, it enhances it because you can only guide the relationship when you're prepared to listen and act upon any teething issues.


That is exactly the point, NG, my master knows at every step of the way how it will feel like for me

Meaning, fuckit, does her dom even care.

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Guidance - 7/27/2015 6:55:20 AM   
NorthernGent


Posts: 8730
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: daniel1973

Meaning, fuckit, does her dom even care.



Yeah, from an outsider looking in, it's difficult to see how the relationship in the OP can get to that point.

Perhaps we don't have all of the story, so I'd caveat the following within that realm.

Based on the information in the post, there is a lack of care somewhere, perhaps from both parties; because the relationship has unravelled to the point where communication has broken down and neither seems sure as to what the other one wants.

Seems broken to me, but not irredeemable - nothing ever is providing the will is there to make it work.

You'd have to question the will, though, of someone who isn't prepared to listen and the outcome may be 'you're in trouble'.

Either way, I think the OP has no choice but to raise her concerns. Nothing to lose; everything to gain (except where 'you're in trouble' is a euphemism for non consensual violence!).




_____________________________

I have the courage to be a coward - but not beyond my limits.

Sooner or later, the man who wins is the man who thinks he can.

(in reply to daniel1973)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Guidance - 7/27/2015 7:27:36 AM   
daniel1973


Posts: 243
Joined: 6/16/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthernGent
You'd have to question the will, though, of someone who isn't prepared to listen and the outcome may be 'you're in trouble'.


Ah that's the romantic thing again.


< Message edited by daniel1973 -- 7/27/2015 8:00:47 AM >

(in reply to NorthernGent)
Profile   Post #: 40
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