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What They Don't Say - 7/23/2015 4:18:45 PM

RemoteUser

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This partially lends to profiles and their wording, but also has application to social functions like munches and conversation in general (hence where I chose to post this).

When getting to know someone, whether for kink and play, friendship, or simple curiosity, it is easy to pick up on cues related to what the other person likes or dislikes. Discovering the opinions of others lends towards building a mental image of the person in general, which in turns enhances general communication and understanding of compatibility. Likewise, factual responses indicate a person's interpretation of events, people and well, life in general. These cues are natural to both give and receive, integral to communication fundamentals as they are.

I have always personally found myself drawn to asking what isn't discussed, however. As an example: if I see that someone talks about their kink interests in an exclusive fashion, I tend to ask them what they enjoy outside of the bedroom. If someone tells me that they like to sail, rather than take the proffered verbal hook and discuss something immediately related to sailing ("Do you fish?" "What kind of boat do you prefer to take into the waters?") I might ask, "Do you consider yourself a romantic?".

I don't do this to veer off topic, or to express disinterest in the topic at hand. I do it to expand the boundaries of the conversation at hand. The results are mixed; some enjoy following the new direction of the conversation, while others become less talkative.

When engaging in conversation with someone new to you, how do you like to express yourself? Do you have "zones of comfort" that you stay in? Do you follow the topics offered, or direct them? The side of the kneel that you're on doesn't dictate your methodology: a dominant might remain quiet and encourage others to speak to learn more or reveal less; a submissive or slave might want to make who they are clear upfront, to be better understood. Gender plays no true role in this whatsoever, unless you give it weight.

(For the naysayers: it you think this isn't related to BDSM, consider that before you get into a new bed, you need to know someone well enough to want to be in said bed. That said, it isn't always about the sex, and developing social bonds is equally significant, subject to the validity you assign.)

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Post #: 1

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/23/2015 4:33:02 PM

DesFIP

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From: Apple County NY
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That wouldn't work for me. Either I'd consider you socially awkward, able to go with the flow. Or I'd believe you didn't care about what I thought, by immediately changing the topic so abruptly.

I wouldn't be interested in a second date and I'd probably plead another commitment to leave quickly.

It would say to me that you weren't interested in me as a person. And I don't get into relationships with people who are not interested in me.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 7/23/2015 4:34:19 PM >

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RE: What They Don't Say - 7/23/2015 4:34:47 PM

DerangedUnit

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For me it depends on the person. There is a certain balance I always hope to achieve. For example, if someone is talkative I listen make a point or joke occasionally but dont talk much. if someone is quiet I talk more... if they stay quiet I revert back to no talking and no amount of them encouraging me to talk in the future will work. When im initially just "fill the space" talking it tends to be extremely random, a nervous habit. with people im comfortable with I let them direct the conversation, if I do it it bounces all over the place and people cant follow that. I like hearing stories about peoples lives and joking about relatable events, but tend to shut down when questions about my interests are involved.

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RE: What They Don't Say - 7/23/2015 4:35:57 PM

spellslave

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From: England
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I swing between accepting new changes and turns of conversation well, to hushing up and not talking. It all depends on where the conversation turns to, and if I am familiar with the subject or not. If it goes onto a topic that I feel strongly on or know about, I'll talk for hours. On something I have no interest in or no knowledge in, maintaining a conversation can often be more difficult. But I'm open to learning, hence why in that hypothetical situation, I'd do less answering and more asking in order to learn more.

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RE: What They Don't Say - 7/23/2015 4:40:56 PM

littleladybug

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I met my partner here. I sent him a mail commenting on the photo that he had on his profile of him and his llama on a hiking trail here in Washington. If he had responded to it with something like "do you like long walks on the beach?", I would have thought him quite weird. I'm all into conversation being logical, and would have had a "wtf" reaction to a change of course on it.

If he (or anyone) were to change the course of conversation like you mention, I might consider that they really didn't care what I thought, as DesFIP said. Either that, or there was something else going on where they had difficulty having a logical conversation. Either way, it would be a non-starter for me.

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Post #: 5

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/23/2015 4:51:16 PM

RemoteUser

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Thank you for the responses so far. Two points for clarification:

I do this in a social event whether it's a date, meeting a friend of a friend, or making small talk in line at the store. It's not particular to a specific goal, nor is it the sum of how I converse, but it is my natural initial tendency.

Also: I'm primarily interested in discovering how people perceive their own tendencies when engaging in social events, in terms of conversation. My own proclivities were really meant to lay out an atypical example, to allow others to express their own tendencies in a (hopefully) more relaxed atmosphere.

I know my way of talking isn't conventional from many personal experiences.

I'm ok with that, and it hasn't been a negative influence on my love life or ability to make friends. The people I end up getting close to appreciate who I am, even if that is perceived as socially awkward, and at the end of the day, that's what matters to me.

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Post #: 6

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/23/2015 6:02:04 PM

FrankAr

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I personally do not ask the previous people that were involved with her, just because they might say something bad or what they did together I might not be able to do.

I also tend to steer the topic to another road if the topic that was being discussed is coming to an end or becoming stifle, the new topic might be a refresher or it might tank the conversation, but then if that happens I just might see where she might take it.

I do not take the topic to another road mid way, why lose the flow of the convo. I am a simple person and might not like the new topic or have no interest in it, and then the convo dies and we walk from each other. If we stayed on topic we could be together sitting on the porch just talking about the good ol days that we had about 50 years ago.

Frank Ar.

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Even the softest whisper can be heard in the loudest group....Frank H.

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Post #: 7

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/24/2015 2:19:50 AM

NookieNotes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

When engaging in conversation with someone new to you, how do you like to express yourself? Do you have "zones of comfort" that you stay in? Do you follow the topics offered, or direct them? The side of the kneel that you're on doesn't dictate your methodology: a dominant might remain quiet and encourage others to speak to learn more or reveal less; a submissive or slave might want to make who they are clear upfront, to be better understood. Gender plays no true role in this whatsoever, unless you give it weight.

When I am approached, I let them direct the conversation. They are trying to engage me, and I give them the room to do so. I can be asked damned near anything without being offended, and depending on how a specific question is asked, am most likely to answer. I maintain my right to refuse as needed.

Once in a relationship/friendship, I figure it is about 50/50.

In larger social scenarios, I watch, mostly, and input only when I feel I have something to add to the conversation. I tend to comment more on deeper, "thinking" topics than factual exchanges or light chatter.

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Post #: 8

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/24/2015 4:00:56 AM

JVoV

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I like letting the conversation flow naturally, directing the topics if necessary. If we're testing the potential for a relationship, then the mundane parts of life will be as important as the bdsm aspects. I need to know what skills they have outside of the bedroom, along with hobbies, family situation, prior relationships (especially long-term and bdsm), employment, etc.

I may not always care, but I'll likely need to know.

The only topic I feel awkward approaching is money.

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Post #: 9

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/24/2015 6:13:27 AM

NookieNotes

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quote:

ORIGINAL: JVoV
The only topic I feel awkward approaching is money.

I find this fascinating.

For me, money is time and value, expressed in tradeable amounts, no more. I'm not quite sure what the taboo is, but apparent from all the FinDom threads, this currency thing is a BIG DEAL.

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Post #: 10

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/24/2015 8:10:10 AM

DaddySatyr

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From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
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This is a very interesting question.

For me, it depends upon the other person and the circumstances of the conversation. In your second post on this thread, Remote, you brought up "small talk in line at the store". For me, that is vastly different than some of the other examples you give.

Certain situations lend themselves to specific topics. If I'm at a ball game, I'm more likely to be talking about issues relating to that game or the sport, in general. In that setting, if a conversation does become a bit more "personal", I'm still not as likely to go to wildly off the topic (Yes, I'm one of "those guys" that knows when a lady is flirting with my friends but not with me!).

At a munch, I would expect people to delve into some more personal areas, but I won't (normally) go there, on my own. I have no wish to make someone else uncomfortable.

However, also in your second post, you said that you were more interested in how we, personally, handle the ebb and flow of conversation. Let's take a munch situation:

For me, again, I don't want to steer a conversation in a direction where the other person may not wish to follow. That said, if they ask a question about me, personally, they're going to get an honest answer; maybe more honest than they were looking for (Ladies: NEVER ask me if your jeans make you look fat unless you REALLY want to know and it's not just a machination to get me to look at your ass). If someone asks me what I'm looking for in a sexual relationship, they're going to hear it (and I usually start with what are generally considered to be "deal breakers" because I hate wasted time).

While I agree with the old social mores that one should probably avoid certain topics in general conversation. I have been in situations, though, where someone says: "Anyone who believes in a God is a moron" and then, you'd better believe that it's on!

There are also situations where I will steer a conversation. There was a young lady in whom I was slightly interested. Every time I asked her how she was doing, she'd start telling me about her day at work. When I asked about her hopes, dreams, and goals, she'd start talking about promotions she wanted to get at work. She really was a person that was what she did for a living. I tried to get more out of her but it wasn't forth-coming.

I did try to steer those conversations into other areas. It didn't work.

So, again, it depends upon the person and the situation. If we're in line at the store, I may tell you more than you want to know about those scanners the cashiers use. If we're at a munch and you ask me about BDSM limits of mine, you may also hear more than you want to about some topics.

Michael

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Post #: 11

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/24/2015 9:37:51 AM

ResidentSadist

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Getting older and having gone through the getting to know ritually a million times . . . ok, not a million but several hundred, I am like you. I also like to expand the topics of conversation and quicken the topics exploration. For example, in discovering her relationship history, she told me she "broke down" after her last Master broke it off with her. Instead of asking about her emotional strife in the aftermath of that relationship, I jumped topics and asked about her other relationships. You know, I just figured she broke down and cried in her beer for a day like the rest of us would have.

. . . well, turns out I should have asked more about "sailing" or in this case, her "break down". Apparently a "break down" meant she went crazy and was committed to a mental institution. This is something I learned later after I got involved. She seemed so normal right up until the day I saw her go crazy. Turns out she had borderline personality disorder.

Sometimes the devil is in the details.

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Post #: 12

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/24/2015 9:56:10 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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I'm going to address the 'ebb and flow' of conversation, and how it relates to the initial getting to know period. (In my mind, switching from topic to topic with someone you know well is just natural and normal. I can't imagine why someone would take offense, but perhaps that's just me and mine.)

I do as much as possible not to direct the conversation. I may ask questions (how do you not ask questions in the beginning?) but I make it clear I will answer whatever *I* ask. I might ask what someone does for a living, I certainly wouldn't ask how much money they make. I may ask about BDSM experience, but wouldn't (at an early date) be willing to delve in to an 'all past relationships blow by blow.'

I avoid anything too sexual, although I do touch on what they perceive as their hard limits.

Basically, I'm trying to get to know them as a person. So I want to know: what floats your boat? What books do you read? What movies and television do you enjoy? How abut music? Hobbies? What food do you prefer? Do you cook? Are you a morning person or an evening person? Do you have plants, pets, a fish?

Where do you see yourself in five years? Ten? Twenty?

Like that. I'm interested in pretty much everything, but I've found it's best if I tone down the questioning and let the conversation flow naturally. If it doesn't flow naturally....especially in ideal surrounds (after a good meal with a nice glass of wine) then perhaps there's a reason why.

If they didn't wish to discuss a particular topic, I wouldn't read too much into that, unless it was something along the lines of "Are you married? Do you consider yourself emotionally attached to a significant other? Like that. That type of avoidance I pay strict attention to. A simple change of subject? Who cares?

If for instance, I asked them if they cooked, and they turned around and asked ME about fishing, I'd assume cooking wasn't a strong interest. I might wonder why they couldn't just say that, but in initial conversations, people can be pretty strange. Most know they should be nice and pleasing and not overly negative. I think one of the worst things you can do is to read too much into things like how someone directs the conversation -- and forgets to pay attention to the important things.

If someone cares about what I think -- that's obvious.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 7/24/2015 9:58:33 AM >

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RE: What They Don't Say - 7/24/2015 11:16:28 AM

MariaB

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I'm corresponding with someone at the moment who is absolutely fascinating. Conversation between us flows so easily, just like a conversation would flow if I were standing opposite them. We both finish each letter with a question and that question is often a complete change of subject, I like that.

When we meet or know somebody in person, we converse about a subject right up to the point of changing it. We are looking in that persons eyes, hearing them pause and watching their body language; all of those things are cues to continue or move on to something else. Whilst some people don't have the expertise to know when a subject is exhausted, most of us do but that's not so with the written word, even if that correspondence is in live chat. With the written word I find most people want to talk about themselves. They forget that we have two ears and one mouth. We can learn an awful lot about them but very often they learn very little about us. Conversations with such people become tedious fairly quickly because its too much information too soon on just one topic and if its too much one way, it becomes too one sided.

I'm all for diversity so long as it flows.

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RE: What They Don't Say - 7/24/2015 1:11:10 PM

NorthernGent

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Joined: 7/10/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

This partially lends to profiles and their wording, but also has application to social functions like munches and conversation in general (hence where I chose to post this).

When getting to know someone, whether for kink and play, friendship, or simple curiosity, it is easy to pick up on cues related to what the other person likes or dislikes. Discovering the opinions of others lends towards building a mental image of the person in general, which in turns enhances general communication and understanding of compatibility. Likewise, factual responses indicate a person's interpretation of events, people and well, life in general. These cues are natural to both give and receive, integral to communication fundamentals as they are.

I have always personally found myself drawn to asking what isn't discussed, however. As an example: if I see that someone talks about their kink interests in an exclusive fashion, I tend to ask them what they enjoy outside of the bedroom. If someone tells me that they like to sail, rather than take the proffered verbal hook and discuss something immediately related to sailing ("Do you fish?" "What kind of boat do you prefer to take into the waters?") I might ask, "Do you consider yourself a romantic?".

I don't do this to veer off topic, or to express disinterest in the topic at hand. I do it to expand the boundaries of the conversation at hand. The results are mixed; some enjoy following the new direction of the conversation, while others become less talkative.

When engaging in conversation with someone new to you, how do you like to express yourself? Do you have "zones of comfort" that you stay in? Do you follow the topics offered, or direct them? The side of the kneel that you're on doesn't dictate your methodology: a dominant might remain quiet and encourage others to speak to learn more or reveal less; a submissive or slave might want to make who they are clear upfront, to be better understood. Gender plays no true role in this whatsoever, unless you give it weight.

(For the naysayers: it you think this isn't related to BDSM, consider that before you get into a new bed, you need to know someone well enough to want to be in said bed. That said, it isn't always about the sex, and developing social bonds is equally significant, subject to the validity you assign.)

I'm naturally a person who thinks conversation should be allowed to roam freely, drifting from one topic to another and back again. It's something I find unusual about this board, the idea that a conversation must stay on topic.

To illustrate: I understand some people like rules and expect those rules to be followed, such as staying on topic, but to someone like me that is like having your wings clipped; and conversation is an art not a science.

I would agree with DesFIP in that where someone asks a question then it should be accompanied with the courtesy to listen to the answer, although I'm not quite sure what you mean when you say you change the topic.

I could small talk all day, but I don't as I'm an efficient person and want value out of a conversation. I want to learn something. So, I instinctively by-pass all of that and go straight to a more searching conversation, which I understand is discomforting for some as some people like their hands held while being led down the path.

I have absolutely no zone of comfort. I'd talk to anyone about anything, except on a topic of which I know nothing as that would be utterly pointless.

< Message edited by NorthernGent -- 7/24/2015 1:12:16 PM >

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Post #: 15

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/25/2015 5:57:52 PM

Char2015

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I'm into anonymous use, so the less I know the better. I am pretty socially awkward though. Why is that such a terrible thing? I'm extremely intelligent, and I am capable of loving stupid people, so I don't get the problem

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Post #: 16

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/25/2015 9:53:41 PM

seekingreality

Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

When engaging in conversation with someone new to you, how do you like to express yourself? Do you have "zones of comfort" that you stay in? Do you follow the topics offered, or direct them? The side of the kneel that you're on doesn't dictate your methodology: a dominant might remain quiet and encourage others to speak to learn more or reveal less; a submissive or slave might want to make who they are clear upfront, to be better understood. Gender plays no true role in this whatsoever, unless you give it weight.

I don't believe in having a plan or a formula for a conversation. I just let it unfold. Really the only important thing is to be curious about the other person.

(in reply to RemoteUser)

Post #: 17

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/25/2015 10:20:42 PM

RemoteUser

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Joined: 5/10/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingreality

quote:

ORIGINAL: RemoteUser

When engaging in conversation with someone new to you, how do you like to express yourself? Do you have "zones of comfort" that you stay in? Do you follow the topics offered, or direct them? The side of the kneel that you're on doesn't dictate your methodology: a dominant might remain quiet and encourage others to speak to learn more or reveal less; a submissive or slave might want to make who they are clear upfront, to be better understood. Gender plays no true role in this whatsoever, unless you give it weight.

I don't believe in having a plan or a formula for a conversation. I just let it unfold. Really the only important thing is to be curious about the other person.

Fair enough, but in hindsight, would you say you have any particular style of communication, however unintended?

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

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Post #: 18

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/26/2015 12:08:08 PM

NeedAWhirlie

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Joined: 9/7/2008
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Well, I wanted to chime in on the coattails of DesFIP and littleladybug, but I think that line of thought has been exhausted & I don't think it was meant to be insulting or offensive.

So I went back up to the op to see what the real question is. And I don't there's a question lol I realized.

So i'll just add my own two cents on the unsaid. Being one who is not so good at reading between the loins (oh, I mean lines), I prefer direct and almost blunt conversation. I don't mind Q&A either way, though when I'm the asker, I tend to feel more in control of the conversation, and when the asked, I feel more submissive, which I prefer overall.

I find myself, in fact, resenting someone who does NOT lead the conversation, who seems to wait for me to do all the work, especially if we're meeting in the context of D/s (Him or Her D & me s). So, that's when it gets turned around, and I might become almost aggressive in leading the conversation. Kind of like- well, you put it all in my lap, so I'm taking it.

What is unsaid usually may be our flaws- right, you don't come out in initial conversation and confess all your imperfections. But... sometimes I think it might be easier overall, as RemoteUser suggested about getting dealbreakers out of the way. And this point was also made in a romcom (ugh I know) with Elaine & Tony Soprano in _Enough Said_ lol on their first date.

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Post #: 19

RE: What They Don't Say - 7/26/2015 9:24:38 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
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What is my style of communication?

I can talk to anyone. I am not shy, and I try to inject humor in first conversations to make someone comfortable.

I ask lots of questions, but not in depth questions about past relationships or sexual topics.

This is because I want to see if I have anything in common other than kink. And I never discuss kink until I meet you and am attracted to you.

I like when someone asks me about my life and is a good listener.

I have found, interestingly, that many men talk too much, give too much information and get too excited too soon.

Those are red flags and it's good to know.

(in reply to NeedAWhirlie)

Post #: 20

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