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Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/25/2015 10:12:12 PM   
CharlieN


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/13/2015
Status: offline 		The reason I ask is because I find that people who are more explorative and open to their sexuality are more mature. For example they seem to have a better sense of what they want and who they are and therefore have more realistic goals. I don't mean to bash on people who prefer more "vanilla" type relationships but I'm curious as to whether or not BDSMers have more understanding in relationships. After all SSC is the friggin motto of BDSM, anything taken beyond safewords/hard limits is just flat out abuse. I just wish America as a whole wasn't so uptight about sex. Like in movies, ratings are based on what body parts are shown and what people are doing. A simple sex scene can have an R rating slapped on it while a movie riddled with violence only gets a PG-13. Meanwhile in Europe it's the opposite. They don't care so much about nudity as long as the context isn't overly obscene. The movies with violence get the higher ratings. If you don't believe me, watch "This Film is Not Yet Rated." Great docu on the MPAA and the movies we watch.

Anyway, where was I...oh yeah, so do you think people who implement kinkery into their lives are better at relationships overall?
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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/25/2015 10:19:34 PM   
RemoteUser


Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
Status: offline 		Sadly no, because there is no line that genetics won't cross to promote douchebaggery.

Being kinky doesn't make you responsible. Being responsible, now that might work.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/25/2015 10:23:42 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline 		No

And I don't ascribe to SSC.

Or use hardlimits or safewords in my personal relationships.

There is no consensus in kink, and being kink doesn't make you better at anything, or more informed, or more experienced, or more sane, or more stable, or more open, or more honest, or more trustworthy... I could keep going here...

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/25/2015 11:27:15 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CharlieN

The reason I ask is because I find that people who are more explorative and open to their sexuality are more mature. For example they seem to have a better sense of what they want and who they are and therefore have more realistic goals.


I know plenty of vanilla people who are mature with great goals. I know kinky people who are immature jerks. I don't agree with your sweeping generalizations at all.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/26/2015 1:12:27 AM   
moonbeast


Posts: 13
Joined: 8/12/2007
Status: offline 		First I am into consensual non-consent, so by your terms, that would be be abuse. Thus I have to reject the assumption "SSC is the motto of BDSM".

Secondly, a few years ago I would have agreed to the statement that BDSMers (or at least D/s-ers) are better at relationships. Simply because I met a lot of people who deeply cared about their own development and the relationship they are in. It was considered necessary to build a strong, working relationship just to be able to do the more extreme things we were into. And this level of trust building and willingness to understand the other I never found in any "vanilla" crowd.
Today - at least from my perspective - there is a much more mainstream crowd coming into "the scene" claiming to be BDSMers. So I wholeheartedly say 'NO!' today. Because as BDSM becomes more mainstream, we also accept those people that would have been shunned a decade ago.

Last but not least, just because someone 'explores their sexuallity' doesn't mean they are more mature. I have seen several ladies being very immature about exploring their sexuality (more in quantity than quality). Luckily most (younger) gentlemen exploring their dominant side, get quickly set straight by the more experienced ladies :-).

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/26/2015 1:55:09 AM   
IcarusBurning


Posts: 107
Joined: 2/1/2015
Status: offline 		nope. i agree with your first line. but that is not the definition of a kinkster. i have known and seen really sweet and lovely vanilla couples who couldn't be happier. i have seen kinksters miserable with each other. and the other way round. there really is not significant association between them .

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/26/2015 2:20:03 AM   
spellslave


Posts: 246
Joined: 7/16/2015
From: England
Status: offline 		I echo the thoughts of the poster(s) above me. I've heard a similar thing said about poly individuals being better at communication and the answer is the same; some are, some aren't.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/26/2015 3:23:16 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		I think its understandable why you would think this Charlie, I once walked in the same shoes as you.
I also don't think your 'ask' was a sweeping generalization but more of a curious question.

I believe that some BDSMers are much more open about their sexuality and if we are more open to exploring sexual things with our lover, we are more likely to keep that lover satisfied, at least in the passion sense. I have also found that although I feel very comfortable with my vanilla friends, when I have lifestyle friends around me we can comfortably delve into all manner of discussion without embarrassment or hesitation. Its the same within 'my' relationship/s; we can have deep discussions about power exchange and perverted ideas without worrying about going too far. This in turn makes 'me' feel that I have a deeper connection with my partner/s; at least my present one.

I have experienced nilla relationships and if there is one thing those relationships lacked was that shared openness about our deep desires. I always wanted to dominate the man in my life but I wouldn't of dared tell him that for fear of rejection. Keeping those fantasies locked away wasn't healthy and because my itch was strong, it eventually caused me to become dissatisfied with that relationship. If I hadn't had that itch though, I'm sure I could of gone on to have a very happy vanilla union.

My full on lifestyle relationships that came after that had as many ups and downs as my formative ones. We still argued, we still irritated each other sometimes and those relationships still ended because we couldn't get along on so many levels. My wake up call that most BDSM relationships really don't run deeper than vanilla was during this period.





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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/26/2015 6:58:51 AM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline 		I don't think that "kinksters" have the market cornered on having realistic goals or having good relationships. As others have mentioned, there are plenty of idiots and douchebags in the kink world as well.

For me, I am most comfortable in power exchange relationships. I know a lot of people who have very successful non-PE relationships. I wouldn't dare say that my relationship is "better" or "more understanding" than theirs. In addition, there are so many differences within the kink community that to say that "BDSMers have more understanding in relationships" really doesn't have too much meaning, IMO.

I am by no means "extreme" in what I do-- in comparison to what others enjoy doing in their relationships. Do people then who delve more into the BDSM side of things (i.e. the "kinky fuckery") have "more understanding" relationships than I do? Do people who do CNC or espouse the idea of IE have "more understanding" relationships than I (who do not want these things) do?

I think that a lot of what we see are people who have found their niche and desires in life, and are thriving in relationships. I don't believe that this means that they necessarily are better in relationships than those who do not share their relationship model.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/26/2015 8:38:54 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CharlieN

After all SSC is the friggin motto of BDSM, anything taken beyond safewords/hard limits is just flat out abuse.



No. We don't use safewords or limits. If he wants something to happen, it happens.


quote:



Anyway, where was I...oh yeah, so do you think people who implement kinkery into their lives are better at relationships overall?




No. I think that they've found something which fulfills them, which is great, and that feeling fulfilled can lead to handling relationships better. But I think that people can find fulfillment in a number of ways - whatever someone draws their inspiration and joy from will be what works for them. In my case, a part of that is submission and manifesting my submission through sexual behavior. I'm kinky. But I'm no more open and understanding than my friend who feels satisfied and loved in her life without kink.



< Message edited by Kaliko -- 7/26/2015 8:39:27 AM >

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/26/2015 11:22:01 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Nope. You can be vanilla and totally self aware about your sexuality. Not liking to be tied or beat doesn't make you a prude, it makes you someone who needs something different to enjoy sex.

And sex, although important to a relationship, does not compensate for lack of fair fighting skills, for lack of active listening skills, for lack of communication skills. And even if you have all those, if you aren't basically aligned and highly compatible, the relationship will still have difficulties.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/26/2015 4:44:19 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline 		"SSC" is not the end all be all of BDSM. There's also "RACK" (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and others. It depends on the people involved and what their interests are.

Outside of the bedroom kinksters are rarely different from normal people. You have people who generally have their shit together, people who don't, and people who prey on others. Sex is important but it's not the only aspect to a relationship, and like I mentioned on another thread being open and honest about who you are isn't the cure for all relationship ills.

TLDR version: Kinksters are collectively just as bad at relationships as vanillas.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/26/2015 7:19:52 PM   
CharlieN


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/13/2015
Status: offline 		Interesting to hear.

Bear in mind it wasn't my intent to imply that people who enjoy BDSM are "better" at relationships. And quite honestly I've never heard of people disregarding safewords/hard limits and still be okay with it.

It might also just be my age demographic too. I see a lot of couples my age just complain about how bad/boring/rude/etc. their significant other is.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/26/2015 9:07:59 PM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		No, I don't believe kinksters are better at relationships.

In fact, I believe many people try to rely on the kinky sex to keep the relationship, even if everything else is wrong.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/27/2015 12:26:10 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		I couldn't find stats for kinksters. But your premises was they are more explorative and open to their sexuality. A parallel to that has been studied, gay marriage. The results were 1/2 the divorce rate for same sex couples than hetro pairs.

"About 1% of the total number of currently-married or registered same-sex couples get divorced each year, in comparison to about 2% of the total number of married straight couples. Note that the percentage of couples that get divorced eventually is close to 50%, but only 1% or 2% of them get divorced in any particular year."

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/27/2015 3:31:59 AM   
NookieNotes


Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I couldn't find stats for kinksters. But your premises was they are more explorative and open to their sexuality. A parallel to that has been studied, gay marriage. The results were 1/2 the divorce rate for same sex couples than hetro pairs.


Oh, there has been a study that showed swingers marriages had a much lower divorce rate... Not kinky, but open about sexuality.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/27/2015 10:04:17 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CharlieN
And quite honestly I've never heard of people disregarding safewords/hard limits and still be okay with it.



People aren't disregarding safewords and hard limits, they're merely not using them in all relationships.

When I play with my husband, I don't have a safeword. There is no prenegotiated magic word that I can use to communicate "I want you to stop" to him. Likewise we have prenegotiated that "stop, I don't want that, no, please no" and other such phrases can also be ignored because they are part of play.
So, I do not have a prenegotiated way to communicate to him "I'm withdrawing consent right now". Ergo... we don't have a safeword. That doesn't mean he'd violate it if we had one. It's just that we don't have one so there is nothing to violate.

Likewise with hard limits. I don't have any act prenegotiated off limits for my husband to engage in. There is no list of "these are things you're not allowed to do". That doesn't mean he'd break them if there were... just that because there aren't any it's his limits that set the boundaries for our play.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/27/2015 12:23:16 PM   
RockaRolla


Posts: 1153
Joined: 1/20/2014
From: South Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CharlieN

Interesting to hear.

Bear in mind it wasn't my intent to imply that people who enjoy BDSM are "better" at relationships.

But it's right in your title!

quote:

And quite honestly I've never heard of people disregarding safewords/hard limits and still be okay with it.

I never mentioned anything about safewords, unless you're not talking about my comment?

quote:

It might also just be my age demographic too. I see a lot of couples my age just complain about how bad/boring/rude/etc. their significant other is.

My mother complains about how bad/boring/rude my father is all the time. I don't think age has anything to do with it.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/27/2015 1:05:37 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: NookieNotes


quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

I couldn't find stats for kinksters. But your premises was they are more explorative and open to their sexuality. A parallel to that has been studied, gay marriage. The results were 1/2 the divorce rate for same sex couples than hetro pairs.


Oh, there has been a study that showed swingers marriages had a much lower divorce rate... Not kinky, but open about sexuality.

That's a pretty good parallel too.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/27/2015 1:28:22 PM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline 		I don't understand the comparison here to same sex marriages. How are these unions comparable to people who engage in BDSM? What about same sex couples who are kinky? Is the divorce rate even lower for them?

To me, the bottom line is knowledge of one's own self. Of course, if one knows what they desire, finding a compatible partner will increase chances of the relationship surviving. I don't think that the actual practice of kinky fuckery, or swinging, is the crux here. What is way more important, IMO, is knowing, for example, that one is a masochist, and finding a compatible sadist to have a relationship with. Or, knowing that one is not a masochist, and finding someone who is compatible in that way.

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