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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/27/2015 1:34:37 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		"I don't understand the comparison here to same sex marriages"

Being kinky requires that your degree of self awareness is strong enough that you have the willingness to explore beyond society's stereotypes.
Being gay requires that your degree of self awareness is strong enough that you have the willingness to explore beyond society's stereotypes.
Being a swinger requires that your degree of self awareness is strong enough that you have the willingness to explore beyond society's stereotypes.

< Message edited by ResidentSadist -- 7/27/2015 1:35:05 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/27/2015 2:10:41 PM   
littleladybug


Posts: 1082
Joined: 5/30/2013
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

"I don't understand the comparison here to same sex marriages"

Being kinky requires that your degree of self awareness is strong enough that you have the willingness to explore beyond society's stereotypes.
Being gay requires that your degree of self awareness is strong enough that you have the willingness to explore beyond society's stereotypes.
Being a swinger requires that your degree of self awareness is strong enough that you have the willingness to explore beyond society's stereotypes.



Yeah-- I still don't see the desire for kinky fuckery or swinging as being comparable to *being* gay (or heterosexual, for that matter).

I honestly find myself trying hard not to roll my eyes at the repeated use here of the phrase "society's stereotypes". What about those people who do fit into them? Seriously-- there must be one or two people in the world who are happy as clams in relationships without kink and with the same opposite sex partner. And who's to say that they haven't explored?

I see this simply as an issue of compatibility, and knowing what you want, whether or not it fits into perceived stereotypes. And, again, in response to the question posed initially-- nope, wanting to tie someone up or use a flogger on someone doesn't make someone "better at relationships".

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/27/2015 2:58:11 PM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		I'd say no. some people will still say/do anything they can to justify their own ends. some people are just arseholes, and sticking a rose in it doesn't make it a vase. You may get better sex, but it doesn't guarantee that they treat you any better.

needles

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 7/28/2015 4:53:32 PM   
CharlieN


Posts: 11
Joined: 6/13/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RockaRolla


quote:

ORIGINAL: CharlieN

Interesting to hear.

Bear in mind it wasn't my intent to imply that people who enjoy BDSM are "better" at relationships.

But it's right in your title!


I just asked a curious question, I didn't make a statement. Besides, I see everyone's points now, it's interesting to hear about.

(in reply to RockaRolla)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 8/1/2015 7:48:22 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

I'd say no. some people will still say/do anything they can to justify their own ends. some people are just arseholes, and sticking a rose in it doesn't make it a vase. You may get better sex, but it doesn't guarantee that they treat you any better.

needles



And you may not get better sex. If the other person is a selfish ass, then it doesn't matter if you're tied up or not.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 8/2/2015 5:19:19 AM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP


quote:

ORIGINAL: needlesandpins

I'd say no. some people will still say/do anything they can to justify their own ends. some people are just arseholes, and sticking a rose in it doesn't make it a vase. You may get better sex, but it doesn't guarantee that they treat you any better.

needles



And you may not get better sex. If the other person is a selfish ass, then it doesn't matter if you're tied up or not.


very true

needles

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I deserved better. Not than you, but from you.

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 8/3/2015 8:31:38 PM   
cloudboy


Posts: 7306
Joined: 12/14/2005
Status: offline 		I like your theory -- but the core issues of most LTRs are (1) children, (2) work, and (3) money. Would a BDSM connection enhance, impede, or have little to do with collaborating on (1)-(3)?

I do think being flexible, tolerant, open-minded, and game helps couples stay together and build intimacy, but I can honestly say that I've seen a great deal of closed mindedness, judgment, and inflexibility on these message boards.

There's a great deal of: my kink is real, noble, good and exciting -- and you are a demented, narcissistic, fetishist.

< Message edited by cloudboy -- 8/3/2015 9:08:10 PM >

(in reply to CharlieN)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 8/6/2015 10:00:06 AM   
Medalta


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/5/2013
Status: offline 		I think both kink and non-kink relationships have the same fundamental weakness. Both involve use of human beings.

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 8/6/2015 12:37:25 PM   
FelineRanger


Posts: 658
Joined: 9/4/2012
Status: offline 		We kinksters like to portray ourselves as having better communications than 'nilla folks because of the emphasis on negotiation. But negotiation of even the most minute detail can't possibly take into account things that come out of left field. This question brings to mind a friend of mine who is very experienced in the lifestyle and who is very clear in negotiation and communication in general. A couple of years ago, his girl just disappeared for several days without contacting anyone. When she reemerged, details about her past emerged that necessitated significant changes in their dynamic. These were details that she should have brought up and didn't in a basic communication failure. So, basically, this is just a long-winded way of saying that Medalta is right.

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RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 8/6/2015 5:32:25 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CharlieN

The reason I ask is because I find that people who are more explorative and open to their sexuality are more mature. For example they seem to have a better sense of what they want and who they are and therefore have more realistic goals. I don't mean to bash on people who prefer more "vanilla" type relationships but I'm curious as to whether or not BDSMers have more understanding in relationships. After all SSC is the friggin motto of BDSM, anything taken beyond safewords/hard limits is just flat out abuse. I just wish America as a whole wasn't so uptight about sex. Like in movies, ratings are based on what body parts are shown and what people are doing. A simple sex scene can have an R rating slapped on it while a movie riddled with violence only gets a PG-13. Meanwhile in Europe it's the opposite. They don't care so much about nudity as long as the context isn't overly obscene. The movies with violence get the higher ratings. If you don't believe me, watch "This Film is Not Yet Rated." Great docu on the MPAA and the movies we watch.

Anyway, where was I...oh yeah, so do you think people who implement kinkery into their lives are better at relationships overall?


I don't think they're better...I'm not even sure what that means but....I do think that they (us) have more fun.

(in reply to CharlieN)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 8/7/2015 9:55:58 PM   
Medalta


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/5/2013
Status: offline 		In my opinion, I have not found that kinky people have relationships that are any more or less stable than any other. I think if there was solid statistical evidence to support kink being a key element in longevity, happiness, or whatever other parameter of relationships you want to measure we would know it. There are tens of thousands constantly looking for ways to improve their relationship. I have seen no evidence supporting kink as a consistent "magic bullet".

(in reply to littleladybug)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 8/9/2015 4:33:10 AM   
CapitanSpavento


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/8/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: moonbeast

First I am into consensual non-consent, so by your terms, that would be be abuse. Thus I have to reject the assumption "SSC is the motto of BDSM".



SSC and RACK are both effectively the same concept and are as subjective as each other - both entirely dependent on the individuals involved. What is safe and sane for one person would not be for another.

I've seen people do fantastic work with needles - this was perfectly safe and sane because it was practised by someone who knew what they were doing. I've never worked with needles, so if I attempted the same thing, this would neither be safe nor sane.

Consent is, however, not subjective. If there is no consent, then it is abuse.

Consensual non-consent is still consensual and therefore not abuse.

If someone can give me an example where SSC/RACK does not or should not apply, I would be very interested to hear it.

To respond to the OP - I have to agree with the majority here. Kink does not necessarily make someone better at relationships. I think there are a number of traits which many kinksters share that your average nilla perhaps doesn't, but there's no way a generalisation can be made. At least not with some proper statistics.

(in reply to moonbeast)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 8/9/2015 5:45:08 AM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CapitanSpavento

Consent is, however, not subjective. If there is no consent, then it is abuse.

Consensual non-consent is still consensual and therefore not abuse.

If someone can give me an example where SSC/RACK does not or should not apply, I would be very interested to hear it.




My take on it is this: A relationship in which consent can be denied or revoked for something but the relationship can still continue can be SSC, RACK, whatever. A relationship in which consent being denied or revoked would, or could, result in the ending of the relationship is consensual non-consent.

Ultimately, of course, you're right. Even if I were to revoke or deny consent to something (or, since I don't give or take consent, if I were to simply refuse) and by doing so, I know the relationship may very well end, I am making a choice about it. But if we're talking about keeping consent or non-consent within the framework of a relationship, these things are different.

(in reply to CapitanSpavento)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Are Kinksters Better at Relationships? - 8/9/2015 9:40:21 AM   
uksubmale31


Posts: 12
Joined: 10/7/2013
Status: offline 		To be honest I really admire people who manage to have 'normal' relationships, by normal i mean man, woman, kids etc, with traditional roles such as the man going to work, the woman looking after the home, children

I'd love to do it but im probably not quite cut out for it but there seems to be so much hate towards them from all angles, media, academia etc i cant help but admire them, let's be honest we'd all choose that if we were capable of it

(in reply to Kaliko)
Profile   Post #: 34
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