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do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/1/2015 5:35:57 AM

Bdemustress94

Posts: 5
Joined: 7/25/2015
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as a submissive slave myself, I do find a strong connection between my role as a slave and my low sense of worth. as a child I was abused pretty badly by so many people in my life, and now that I'm a grown man I still suffer from these believes of worthlessness and how I don't deserve to be loved.
these believes become so pronounced whenever I'm in the presence of strong dominant and beautiful women, on one hand as a male I crave for them sexual but on the other I don't feel worthy of them. now without going deeper into my own psychology as it's not really the issue here, I want to ask you my fellow slaves, do you also suffer from low self-esteem? can a slave be really confident and full of themselves?

Post #: 1

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/1/2015 3:04:52 PM

DerangedUnit

Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
Status: offline

Ive never had self worth issues, people have told me I do or treated me like I do but confidence has never been a problem.... on the other hand I have a low view of other people, so who knows if thats a good thing.

(in reply to Bdemustress94)

Post #: 2

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/1/2015 4:20:17 PM

sweetieDA

Posts: 129
Joined: 4/3/2015
Status: offline

Not at all. Actually, I tend to suffer from rather high self-esteem. Perhaps that's why it's so enjoyably taboo for me to be grovelling, bowing and scraping :-)

(in reply to Bdemustress94)

Post #: 3

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/1/2015 9:09:51 PM

RemoteUser

Posts: 2854
Joined: 5/10/2011
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Self esteem is not one of those things that should influence your sex life, because that's unhealthy. It sets you up for dependence on those who cater to your self view, or can give people who prey upon it undue leverage. More to the point, if you feel you are worth very little, and let others feed that feeling, how can you ever heal enough to be good for yourself - which ultimately makes you better for everyone else in your life as well?

Things can happen. I was beaten and raped as a child. I grew up and moved past it. The fact that others might have been stronger than me when I was young doesn't make me weak, nor does it give them any power now that I'm a grown man. I refuse to give them power. If anything, taking care of myself made me strong enough to be a Dominant.

That doesn't make me anywhere near perfect, oh hell no. My recent breakup crushed me in ways that I hadn't felt emotionally for some time. I probably vented more about that than anything else in my life, ever, and in retrospect it's probably because I learned that I hold in too much. Venting is a healthy way to let me cope with loss and grief. I'm sure some people don't give a fig, and others still probably judge me for it, but this is a healthy coping mechanism for me to keep myself stable and healthy, so I give myself permission.

I know I'm a Dom and not a sub, but the same fundamental processes underlie everyone regardless of sexual orientation, because it addresses how we're built as human beings, and that goes deeper than sex. There is nothing wrong with being confident - recognize your strengths and weaknesses, contrast them to the type of person you want to be, and ask yourself what you want to work on, then do it. Confidence attracts people from a place of respect. Self esteem issues attract predators from a place of selfishness. Which would you rather have in your life...? That's what you need to figure out.

Best of luck to you in that.

_____________________________

There is nothing worse than being right. Instead of being right, then, try to be open. It is more difficult, and more rewarding.

(in reply to Bdemustress94)

Post #: 4

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/2/2015 4:44:43 AM

crazyml

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<tips hat>

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Post #: 5

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/2/2015 4:59:21 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Crazy!! Nice to see you. How are they hanging?

As for the OP: NO, I do not suffer from low self esteem. MY sub does not suffer from low self esteem. It's my never humble opinion that people suffering from low self esteem need a good therapist, not a BDSM partner or D/s relationship.

Just my three cents.

_____________________________

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Post #: 6

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/2/2015 5:07:23 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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Hey! All good here, thanks! Lovely to see you post too!

And, I'd buy your three cents for a dollar.

To the OP...

I don't suffer from low self-esteem, and I'm not even faintly attracted to subs who do. Like the fabulous ChatteParfaitt, my sense is that if a person is struggling with self-esteem, there are likely many better ways to deal with it than entering into a d/s relationship.

I'd go further, to be honest, and say that subs with self-esteem issues can be in danger of falling into relationships where that low self esteem is used (or abused) as a lever by a cynical dom.

That said, I have a pretty strong sense that you're more likely to find self-esteem issues among those that identify as dom, than with people that id as sub. But that's my own, unscientific, opinion.

_____________________________

Remember.... There's always somewhere on the planet where it's jackass o'clock.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 7

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/2/2015 7:32:22 AM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
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My self esteem is ok, not great, but it doesn't influence my play.
I have depression, I seek treatment though, so...it depends on the day.

(in reply to crazyml)

Post #: 8

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/2/2015 8:10:30 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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OOhhh Crazy called me fabulous !! <batting eyelashes and flirting shamelessly>

I see your dollar and raise you a buck eighty.

B/c not only do I agree that: "subs with self-esteem issues can be in danger of falling into relationships where that low self esteem is used (or abused) as a lever by a cynical dom."

But that doms with low self-esteem will rarely own up to it, discuss it , or in many cases even admit it to themselves so they could do something about it.

And then they hook up with a sub with equally low self esteem, and become the couple who post on here with issues, get talked about at the local munch and hospital ER, or in extreme case, in the media.

OP: Don't be that person who's part of that couple. Realize you deserve better. How do I know this for sure? Because EVERYBODY does!!

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 8/2/2015 8:11:02 AM >

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Post #: 9

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/2/2015 8:25:14 AM

Kaliko

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Joined: 9/25/2010
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By my own definition of what it takes to be in a D/s relationship, I think a submissive woman must hold herself in high esteem. First of all, as being the partner of the man that hopefully she also holds in high esteem. I present myself, physically and otherwise, as someone to be enjoyed. If I don't consider myself as enjoyable company, how can anyone else? And second, because it does take a lot of inner strength to handle some of the challenges that come with the position. I need to feel confident that my opinion is a good one, even if he chooses to not take it. I need to feel confident in how I look because it's not his job to fawn over me with compliments. And most importantly, I need to have the strength to recognize that he really does know better without feeling devalued because of it. I believe that it takes a certain amount of growth and strength to say "You're right. I was wrong." For anyone, not just in a D/s relationship. I think defensiveness and retaliation when faced with the prospect of having to admit one is wrong is a sign of low self-esteem - and those things just don't fly.

(in reply to Bdemustress94)

Post #: 10

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/2/2015 9:22:49 AM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
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No, I do not suffer from low self-esteem. I'm very confident in myself, in my life, in all that I am which is just one of the things my Master loves about me. I expect good self-esteem in a Dom also, wouldn't be with someone who didn't have good self-esteem. Being with someone who has low self-esteem, who is always down on themselves and feels worthless is emotionally draining to the other partner.

If there are unresolved issues from your past, seek the help you need to find peace within yourself.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to Bdemustress94)

Post #: 11

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/2/2015 9:29:25 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

All relationships need people with good self-esteem.

All of them. Even non-romantic ones.

However, it is my belief that all of us have some esteem issues. No one, even I, has 100% perfect self-esteem.

Right now I am having some self-esteem issues about my weight. Over the past 2-3 years, it's crept up. So, I'm having some wobbly body image issues. It's not anything terrible, it doesn't effect my self-esteem as a whole, but yeah, it's there.

Due to medical/pain issues, I'm not exactly pulling down the bucks these days. Now this one effects me MUCH more. I am used to making good money. I either surpass what my partner pulls in or most definitely hold mine own, and I'm not doing that these days. So this is really a hard one even though I have perfectly valid medical reasons for it.

I would say this one DOES effect my self-esteem as a whole. But then my self-esteem is so healthy, it can take a few hits.

And that's where you want to be. B/c everybody has stuff. It might not be like my stuff, but we all have stuff.

ETA: I have depression issues as well, shifty. Right now, I'm doing really well with that. I have noticed when I start to get depressed, my self-esteem starts to slide. It's something I and my wonderful husband Himself, are constantly vigilant about.

< Message edited by ChatteParfaitt -- 8/2/2015 9:34:07 AM >

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Post #: 12

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/2/2015 11:04:37 AM

Kaliko

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Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

All relationships need people with good self-esteem.

All of them. Even non-romantic ones.

However, it is my belief that all of us have some esteem issues. No one, even I, has 100% perfect self-esteem.

I don't think "self-esteem" means feeling 100% perfectly about yourself all the time. It's an overall opinion of yourself and your value. I have low points, times when I question my judgment, and times I feel frumpy. But I can recognize that I can have those moments and still see myself as having value and worth despite them. (Or, indeed, because of them. Growth, and all.)

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 13

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/2/2015 2:01:29 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

I really hate when people generalize that subs have low self esteem.

Like someone above said, I personally have seen many more Doms with self esteem issues.

I was always confident, had a great family, made money, etc.

Since I've been ill, I don't have that career now, thus make far less money, which could affect my self esteem, just as the fact of being ill could affect it.

But it doesn't because none of that is my fault.

I still think I am the same fabulous woman I was before, just a bit changed.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 8/2/2015 2:02:18 PM >

(in reply to Kaliko)

Post #: 14

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/3/2015 9:18:05 AM

spellslave

Posts: 246
Joined: 7/16/2015
From: England
Status: offline

Not in the slightest!

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Fetlife: spellslave

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Post #: 15

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/3/2015 3:36:07 PM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

~FR~

In my experience it's not at all uncommon for male subs to feel that way, and rather uncommon for female subs to feel that way.

A lot of men with selfesteem issues seem to 'cope' (if you can call it that) with their general feelings of inferiority by deifying women, and then concluding that this makes them submissive.

Doing this is a mistake in my opinion. Submission does not equal a lack of selfesteem. Submission is the drive to have somebody else in control over all, or certain aspects of your life.

When the drive to 'submit' is driven by feelings of inferiority, it ends up not working out in a relationship, because you as a submissive do not bring anything to the table that the dominant will appreciate, and enhance their lives. There are a plethora of other subs out there who are confident in who they are and who as such have way more to offer a dominant, why would they pick you over them?

BDSM isn't therapy. It's not a Domme's job to fix you. Nor can they.
Work on fixing your selfesteem issues first, and if, after you are happy with who you are, you still have a drive to submit, then go looking for the D/s of your dreams.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to spellslave)

Post #: 16

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/3/2015 8:25:14 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

All relationships need people with good self-esteem.

All of them. Even non-romantic ones.

However, it is my belief that all of us have some esteem issues. No one, even I, has 100% perfect self-esteem.

Right now I am having some self-esteem issues about my weight. Over the past 2-3 years, it's crept up. So, I'm having some wobbly body image issues. It's not anything terrible, it doesn't effect my self-esteem as a whole, but yeah, it's there.

Due to medical/pain issues, I'm not exactly pulling down the bucks these days. Now this one effects me MUCH more. I am used to making good money. I either surpass what my partner pulls in or most definitely hold mine own, and I'm not doing that these days. So this is really a hard one even though I have perfectly valid medical reasons for it.

I would say this one DOES effect my self-esteem as a whole. But then my self-esteem is so healthy, it can take a few hits.

And that's where you want to be. B/c everybody has stuff. It might not be like my stuff, but we all have stuff.

ETA: I have depression issues as well, shifty. Right now, I'm doing really well with that. I have noticed when I start to get depressed, my self-esteem starts to slide. It's something I and my wonderful husband Himself, are constantly vigilant about.

I have major body image issues.
I'm confident in who I am and what I do. my body and looks have always bothered me, but he knows that and keeps on top of it. He would NEVER bring it up during play. Never ever.

I've been having particularly bad bouts of depression stemming from this lately and he is a constant source of support and encouragement, which I appreciate.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 17

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/3/2015 10:47:05 PM

DerangedUnit

Posts: 660
Joined: 2/23/2007
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I dont think self esteem is a product of body image. I think body image is a product of self esteem. To me self esteem is determined by ones abilty to effect their surroundings. People with a high self image are those that see a problem and change it. Those with low self esteem are those that see a problem and think it is unsolvable. Fatalistic thinking is the cause of low self esteem. Challenging yourself and accomplishing goals is the fix.

(in reply to shiftyw)

Post #: 18

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/4/2015 2:00:19 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Unfortunately, issues of self-esteem are never that black and white.

A person's esteem is never derived solely from body image, because it is not derived from one thing about ourselves, but many things.

One major barometer of good self-esteem is: How much is determined by the internal, and how much form the external?

When all your self-esteem is derived from the external: how you look (which of course includes body image), what car you drive, how expensive your clothes are, what others think about you, etc. then you have a far greater chance of having huge esteem issues throughout your life. This is b/c our lives are always subject to change, and often w/o warning. What if you get old and lose your looks? (It happens to all of us, eventually.) What if you lose your good job and can't afford a flash car or pricey clothes? These things happen.

But if your self-esteem is determined by internal things, that is, your own personal sense of worth, those things are far less subject to change over time.

Your personal sense of worth is determined, in part, by how much you like yourself. By seeing not just your weak points but by embracing your strong points. With me, for instance, it would be my intelligence, my boldness, my quick decision making, and my fine sense of fair play. I am working on becoming a kinder, gentler person, so I can like myself even more!

In another post I talked about getting your happiness from your internal you, and you responded with not understanding that concept.

Developing good internal esteem is one of the things you do to have *inner* happiness. That is, happiness that external forces can't take away.

_____________________________

(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 19

RE: do you suffer from Low self-esteem - 8/4/2015 2:26:03 AM

DaddySatyr

Posts: 9381
Joined: 8/29/2011
From: Pittston, Pennsyltucky
Status: offline

I'm not sure if this is a denotation or not, but I have always been a fan of this definition of "Humility": "An honest appraisal of self and ability".

I believe that also applies to self-esteem.

I don't need to believe I am better than most at everything I do (I'm not going to live up to that, obviously). I do need to be able to use my strengths to shore up my weaknesses.

Accentuating my strengths and acknowledging my weaknesses is from whence my self-esteem flows. When I "fall short" in some area, I know that I'll learn from my experience or I can compensate, using one of my strengths to balance the scales.

Michael

_____________________________

A Stone in My Shoe

Screen captures (and pissing on shadows) still RULE! Ya feel me?

"For that which I love, I will do horrible things"

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Post #: 20

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