Opinions based on other peoples gossip.

Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (Full Version)

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MariaB -> Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/1/2015 7:33:46 AM)
I recently started a new job and settled in nicely. I then discovered that one of my work colleagues is a good friend of someone I know on the scene. Stupidly I mentioned I knew this person but didn’t say how I knew them. People have suddenly gone from being happy friendly work colleagues to treating me like I have the plague. I was informed by the only male working in the office that this is because they know what I get up to in my private life. Yes, I was discreet about this person but it seems she hasn’t been so discreet about me. My question is, would you form an opinion of someone based on what someone else has told them? or would you have the assertion to say, “I would rather choose to make my own mind up on this person based on what I see?” I am about to give up a perfectly good job that I’m more than capable of doing because the atmosphere is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I’m not even annoyed with the informer other than her being stupidly indiscreet, I’m annoyed with my work colleagues for judging me based on what she told them.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/1/2015 7:42:19 AM)
I will always choose to make up my own mind; what someone says about someone else I take with a huge grain of salt. But I'm not like most people. I've been in circumstances not quite similar to yours (it had nothing to do with my personal life but my professional life, I was put in a situation where I had to go into someone's work space and do w, y, and z, and it was assumed I was ratting them out to the bosses a/o choosing who would get laid off) and so yeah, the atmosphere was thick. What I did was call everyone together and address the issue. Once I explained what I was doing and why, that no one's job was threatened, and that I knew what I was doing was an imposition, but if they could bear with me -- the entire atmosphere improved immensely. So could you, perhaps, address the issue on an individual basis? B/c I would hate to give up a good job b/c of rumor and innuendo.

NookieNotes -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/1/2015 8:55:40 AM)
I would always make my own opinion. I would start to clear the air. Either en masse or one at a time. I am a very direct person.

JVoV -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/1/2015 10:04:27 AM)
The only personal judgment I make in a professional environment is whether or not I am interested in having any sort of relationship with people outside of work. Other than that, I have no reason to care, unless their personal lives interfere with work.

MariaB -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/1/2015 10:54:20 AM)
Thanks Chatte & Nookie, you are both right, I need to face up to them, probably as a group. I am just about to go on holiday for a week so its going to have to wait. At least I'm going to return to work feeling chilled rather than riled. JV, like you and Chatte & Nookie, I base my opinion on a person from what I see. Gossip always speaks volumes about the person who is uttering it and not about the person they are gossiping about.

kallisto -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/1/2015 3:46:14 PM)
I base my opinion on what I see ... not what I hear from others. I agree about gossip speaking volumes about those speaking it as well as those listening to it.

DerangedUnit -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/1/2015 4:10:43 PM)
I dont form opinions about people... thinks about it or really slowly i guess... last job for instance, i formed an opinion that one guy was lazy after i did all his work for months and he never used that chamce to man up. My boss struck me as asexual, then i found out he lived with his ex wife and her boyfriend because he couldnt afford anything better. One of the ladies was very motherly toward me, another tried to teach me ways to cheat the system.... i saw them as my corporate conscience, the little angel and devil in business suits standing over my shoulder...... of the dozens of people i worked with those are thr only ones i didnt just mentally ignore. That is something i dont get about people, they form opinions so fast, but those opinions never change as fast as the people they are about. Daddy is always telling me different peoples opinions of me.... and it people i dont ever remember even meeting yet they somehow are obsessed with me. It bugs me slightlythat i cant make myself care enough about what other people think to be able to form opinions on strangers butmy mind is built this way for a reason best not argue with it.

needlesandpins -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/1/2015 4:17:41 PM)
I always make my own mind up, but hold in reserve what I've been told if I've had a warning. I take in to consideration the person that is doing the talking too, and their motivation for doing the talking. an ex, for instance, is never going to have an unbiased opinion, but their opinion may also be very sound. in this instance i agree with the others, I'd speak to the co-workers rather than walk away from the job. What you do in you private life is your business, and not theirs. it has no reflection on your ability to do your job, so frankly they should be more professional than to engage in office gossip. the other woman should keep her mouth shut about anything but her own life. jeez, I'd never do something like that. i wouldn't even tell my ex playmate the name of someone that my ex partner met from a forum we all used even though i had been seeing him for six years. It wasn't my place to tell him. needles

NorthernGent -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/2/2015 4:29:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB “I would rather choose to make my own mind up on this person based on what I see?” I have always made my own decisions and never hid from this principle being not open to change. At times, it has been do my detriment in terms of career progression. Some would say this isn't clever and you have to play the game, but to me I would lose respect for myself in the absence of having principles which I stand by, including in the event that the outcome will not be to my advantage or liking. Unfortunately, in the working environment some people simply aren't reasonable and form gangs at the expense of someone else, usually someone deemed to be competent; as, after all, such people are the competition. To add, in my experience the outcome is more important than the principle for most people, and that means dog eat dog. Edited to add: and, yes, I agree with the posters who mentioned somehow trying to resolve the problem through discussion. Nothing to lose by doing this. Although I personally would attempt to understand who are the main players in this gang, as usually the majority are following and it's only a few people who really want to cause you problems.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/2/2015 5:01:06 AM)
Excellent insight, and I agree. quote: ORIGINAL: NorthernGent Edited to add: and, yes, I agree with the posters who mentioned somehow trying to resolve the problem through discussion. Nothing to lose by doing this. Although I personally would attempt to understand who are the main players in this gang, as usually the majority are following and it's only a few people who really want to cause you problems.

crazyml -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/2/2015 5:12:16 AM)
Honestly, it depends on whose gossip it is. If someone I've known and trusted for years, tells me that "person X" is a little bit "Y", then I'm going to give some credence to that opinion. In my work life, I have to rely on the opinions of managers within my team, and if I didn't trust them to provide a sensible and objective opinion they wouldn't be managers. Now if it's office gossip, rather than a considered opinion, that's entirely different - In 99 out of 100 cases I'll discount the gossip entirely, I might also advise the person telling the tale that it's probably not the best thing either morally (or for that matter legally) to be blurting stuff.

NookieNotes -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/2/2015 5:50:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit I dont form opinions about people... thinks about it or really slowly i guess... last job for instance, i formed an opinion that one guy was lazy after i did all his work for months and he never used that chamce to man up. My boss struck me as asexual, then i found out he lived with his ex wife and her boyfriend because he couldnt afford anything better. One of the ladies was very motherly toward me, another tried to teach me ways to cheat the system.... i saw them as my corporate conscience, the little angel and devil in business suits standing over my shoulder...... of the dozens of people i worked with those are thr only ones i didnt just mentally ignore. That is something i dont get about people, they form opinions so fast, but those opinions never change as fast as the people they are about. Daddy is always telling me different peoples opinions of me.... and it people i dont ever remember even meeting yet they somehow are obsessed with me. It bugs me slightlythat i cant make myself care enough about what other people think to be able to form opinions on strangers butmy mind is built this way for a reason best not argue with it. I relate to the way you speak in so many ways. I have had that affect for many, many years of my life, until I consciously decided to develop a different way of interacting with the world. Here's a thought: I now form opinions very quickly, like a sketch. I fill in the detail over a lot of time. The "sketch," I never used to have, but it is now reliant on my "gut instinct," which I have developed. I am very, very rarely wrong, now. So, I can tell when meeting someone, whether or not I like their energy, and whether I am willing to make a place for them in my life (whatever that might mean, in whatever capacity). From there, I get to know them, and that helps me know who they are, and allows them to find their correct spot in my world. 98% of that is my observations and feelings. 2% may come from others, if they have a rational way of explaining a good or bad experience with another.

DerangedUnit -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/2/2015 3:58:23 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: NookieNotes quote: ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit I dont form opinions about people... thinks about it or really slowly i guess... last job for instance, i formed an opinion that one guy was lazy after i did all his work for months and he never used that chamce to man up. My boss struck me as asexual, then i found out he lived with his ex wife and her boyfriend because he couldnt afford anything better. One of the ladies was very motherly toward me, another tried to teach me ways to cheat the system.... i saw them as my corporate conscience, the little angel and devil in business suits standing over my shoulder...... of the dozens of people i worked with those are thr only ones i didnt just mentally ignore. That is something i dont get about people, they form opinions so fast, but those opinions never change as fast as the people they are about. Daddy is always telling me different peoples opinions of me.... and it people i dont ever remember even meeting yet they somehow are obsessed with me. It bugs me slightlythat i cant make myself care enough about what other people think to be able to form opinions on strangers butmy mind is built this way for a reason best not argue with it. I relate to the way you speak in so many ways. I have had that affect for many, many years of my life, until I consciously decided to develop a different way of interacting with the world. Here's a thought: I now form opinions very quickly, like a sketch. I fill in the detail over a lot of time. The "sketch," I never used to have, but it is now reliant on my "gut instinct," which I have developed. I am very, very rarely wrong, now. So, I can tell when meeting someone, whether or not I like their energy, and whether I am willing to make a place for them in my life (whatever that might mean, in whatever capacity). From there, I get to know them, and that helps me know who they are, and allows them to find their correct spot in my world. 98% of that is my observations and feelings. 2% may come from others, if they have a rational way of explaining a good or bad experience with another. I understand that, i do have what i might consider a "gut instinct" in very specific circumstances. Specific things people say of specific facial expressions that have had the same meaning so many times that i almost automatically make the association. For example there is a specific smile that always means that person is trying to "trick" me... well actually there are 3, the "im superior smile" the "im going to eat you smile" and the "i know what youre pulling smile". But everytime i see something i know has a specific connotation. Immediately a voice pops up that says "no that cant be right, not everyone is the same give it a chance" and id guess that would be because of another "trigger". That everyone has ever told me they were good at reading people always got completely opposite readings from me.... i like me so i dont want to miss out on the opportunity to find another me by making judgements like other people do.so i do sort of halt any progress i might make in that field on purpose. Though even those reactions are about how others react to me, i have no opinion of them outside of how they relate to me. I cant form an opinion of someone ive never interacted with, all of my guidelines for what people are like are based off of their instinctual reaction to me.... there are very few variants.

TNDommeK -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/2/2015 4:00:58 PM)
I've never been one to follow. I make my own choices about people according to how they act.

NookieNotes -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/2/2015 6:26:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DerangedUnit That everyone has ever told me they were good at reading people always got completely opposite readings from me.... i like me so i dont want to miss out on the opportunity to find another me by making judgements like other people do.so i do sort of halt any progress i might make in that field on purpose. To be fair, most people who say they are good at reading people to me are not. YMMV. smiles

FelineRanger -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/3/2015 10:17:53 AM)
Gossip at work actually does have a place, but not with you as a participant in spreading it. It's a game of telephone with all the inaccuracies and exaggerations that implies; but there is a grain of truth somewhere that you have to tease out. Listen to the gossip and keep your eyes open for the behavior that hints at the truth. Forewarned is forearmed.

sexyred1 -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/3/2015 3:43:28 PM)
I would just kill everyone with kindness. I don't know that I would gather an entire group together to discuss my sex life from gossip. Whenever you are new at a job, people judge you on everything until they get to know you. I would never let them drive me away from a good job, nor would I confront a group. Why should they know you are rattled? If I found the leader or source of the gossip, then I might say something. Honestly, I hate corporate bullshit. One reason why I work from home for many years. P.S.i once started a job and this one guy kept staring at me. Finally I asked him what his problem was. He said he recognized me from another kink site I used to be on. I asked for his screen name and there he was. He was acting so creepy like we shared this amazing secret. I told him to get over it, not say anything to our colleagues and hope his wife doesn't find out.

LookieNoNookie -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/4/2015 4:24:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MariaB I recently started a new job and settled in nicely. I then discovered that one of my work colleagues is a good friend of someone I know on the scene. Stupidly I mentioned I knew this person but didn’t say how I knew them. People have suddenly gone from being happy friendly work colleagues to treating me like I have the plague. I was informed by the only male working in the office that this is because they know what I get up to in my private life. Yes, I was discreet about this person but it seems she hasn’t been so discreet about me. My question is, would you form an opinion of someone based on what someone else has told them? or would you have the assertion to say, “I would rather choose to make my own mind up on this person based on what I see?” I am about to give up a perfectly good job that I’m more than capable of doing because the atmosphere is so thick you could cut it with a knife. I’m not even annoyed with the informer other than her being stupidly indiscreet, I’m annoyed with my work colleagues for judging me based on what she told them. Well, I guess you've learned to keep your (fucking) mouth shut eh? Kinda starts shit eh? Discretion is far more than just saying...."I'm glad to have this job". (Guess you learned sumpin eh?). Discretion begins with...."Sorry....I don't know what you're talking about" and ends with "Huh?" Lesson learned eh, big mouth?

MariaB -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/6/2015 10:39:52 AM)
Apart from the post above mine which is really odd, thanks everyone. I'm back at work on Monday and I'm taking on SexyReds suggestion of being overly nice to everyone. If anyone asks me I'm just going to ask them if they've read 50 shades of grey and tell them its something along those lines [8\|] I've had nearly a week to chill and actually I'm really looking forward to going back and throwing myself into my work. If people want to gossip then it takes their mind off the ball; if I allow that gossip to bother me then its taking my mind off the ball and I'm not prepared to do that. I've known a lot of people in the scene for a lot of years. My ex boss was always at the fet markets with his wife and although we would wave across the room to each other, its not something we ever talked about. I try not to form opinion based on what someone else tells me. My best friend warned me about Steve based on her knowing someone who knew someone else who knew him before we met. It was an unnecessary seed of doubt that was deliberately planted by someone he had formerly rejected and because it was my best friend who delivered the bad news, I did take it seriously. Gossip can be so destructive, even when that gossip simply isn't true. Its very easy to lose a good reputation if someone has a mind to do that and its very difficult to regain that good reputation once those seeds are scattered.

NorthernGent -> RE: Opinions based on other peoples gossip. (8/7/2015 1:34:44 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: sexyred1 I would just kill everyone with kindness. I don't know that I would gather an entire group together to discuss my sex life from gossip. Honestly, I hate corporate bullshit. One reason why I work from home for many years. You can't reason with unreasonable people, so killing everyone with kindness isn't going to work. I agree with the gathering people together comment. The office isn't an ideal world where you take the time to explain yourself and everyone falls into line. Nor is it 'corporate bullshit'. The corporate type people are much smarter and get other people to do their dirty work. This to me sounds like a pack of cannibals used to eating things. No easy way out of this one, I'm afraid, but worth a try/nothing to lose. I am fairly sure that this is employee discrimination because someone's personal life is being brought into work and used as a tool to ostracise someone. So, you could always play them at their own game. Reel one of 'em in, go to HR with the evidence, and it'll all come out who is saying what and who is involved. Not ideal, but these types of people only understand being beaten with a stick. It sounds nice to think that people respect someone who appeals to their nicer nature. Not in my work experience. As said, these types of people, idiotic and childish, only understand being slapped down - and a discrimination claim could be the tool.

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