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Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 10:12:01 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Another thread resurrected from the not too distant past touched on the differences between male and female submissives. Specifically in terms of male and female submissives and sub frenzy.

It's my opinion that, although both genders can suffer from sub frenzy, as a general rule, females are more emotion/love based, males more sex/fetish based. That females have a better innate understanding of the need to protect themselves, while males will leap feet first if they think they can get their kinky fantasies fulfilled. That newish female submissives are very prone to sub frenzy if they think there is a strong emotional attachment a/o are 'in love' with a dominant who understands their needs.

This is assuming all things are equal: both the male and female sub are reasonably intelligent, reasonably mature, and reasonably sane.

So I'm interested in an ad-hoc survey:

For everyone: What is your gender AND what is your gender preference: male, female, or both?

For the dominants/switches:How do you deal with the issue of sub frenzy in the newish submissive?

For the subs: When you were new, how did your dominant deal with your sub frenzy?

Bonus points for anecdotal evidence of how most deal with sub frenzy, how sub frenzy differs in males and females, and how in the ideal situation, it SHOULD BE dealt with.

AND anything else you want to bring to this topic.

Let's discuss!

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RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 11:07:22 AM

MariaB

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I have generally gone for females for the simple reason that females tend to be more picky. I don't EVER go for a submissive who is new to this because I need a level headed person and not someone who falls in love with me because I'm their first.

I have had a few male submissives in my life who have had previous experience and who absolutely understand what it is they are looking for and who are not prepared to submit to just anyone and everyone.

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RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 11:59:01 AM

NookieNotes

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Joined: 11/10/2013
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
For everyone: What is your gender AND what is your gender preference: male, female, or both?

I'm female, and I like both boys and girls, although I lean towards boys at a rate of about 3 to 1.

quote:

For the dominants/switches:How do you deal with the issue of sub frenzy in the newish submissive?

I am me. Logical. Kind. Mentoring. I rarely take on newbies, but instead work with them, and hand them off. I'd rather be a confidante and possibly a crush than their first whatever.

quote:

Bonus points for anecdotal evidence of how most deal with sub frenzy, how sub frenzy differs in males and females, and how in the ideal situation, it SHOULD BE dealt with.

For me, when I recognize frenzy, I stop with the possibility of relationship and move into caretaker mode, looking to help find just the right fit, as I prefer those who are well- experienced with their own desires and overall-kinkified, generally.

Whether that is how it shod be done, I don't know. But I like the ambassador role. And I like seeing people safe.

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(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 3

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 12:04:19 PM

IcarusBurning

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Joined: 2/1/2015
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Male dominant, prefer females.

I agree with your view of how male and female subs approach the world differently, but I would also add taht this is not just true for subs. This is inherent due to evolution and our biological nature. Men, in a very raw form, are mean to procreate with as many females as they can. Thus, they dont need to think too much about jumping into a situation. Women on the other hand, want to pick the best male to produce strong offspring, and further and innately programmed to be aware of the fact that they need to be ready to undergo the gestation period plus the caregiving years. Understandably, they think more than twice before springing into something. Numerous studies and surveys have established this as a common human trend.

That being said, yes I have found young girls are quite prone to develop really deep attachments toward a dominant, for better of for the worse. I personally look for long term connections, so the prospect of an innocent girl falling a little head-over-heels is adorably cute to me. But yes, there are many who prey on this gullibility. I guess it is better to go a little by instincts, and when the trust has been built, then to take the step and go all out.

(in reply to MariaB)

Post #: 4

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 1:10:28 PM

littleladybug

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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

For everyone: What is your gender AND what is your gender preference: male, female, or both?

Female, preference for males only.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

For the subs: When you were new, how did your dominant deal with your sub frenzy?

I can't recall having gone through "frenzy", as I have since read about it.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 5

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 2:16:14 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
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From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Thanks for all the kind replies so far!

littleladybug

I don't ever remember being in sub frenzy either, I guess that's one reason I'm so curious. I've seen it in action, but I have some issues relating to the frenzy concept. I supposes I was far too busy being shocked to realize I *did* have a strong sub side.

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Post #: 6

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 2:25:49 PM

DerangedUnit

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Never heard the term "sub frenzy" but im assuming you mean a phenomenon that when the sub is new they are overly eager, to the point they are dangerous?

Female- preferred male... though I've been with girls in a dominant role.

Can't say I think it's something that happens to newbies so much as a specific personality trait. In highschool there are kids who will do dangerous stuff to try to get in with the popular crowd and there are kids who would prefer to be alone or find their own friends... the first day isn't a free for all were everyone bleeds for the attention of the in crowd.

That being said, I've seen subs who stay like that for decades, who never grow out of it.... ive also seen subs who never had it. I was never the try for people type, more the try to get people to leave me alone type.... first starting out... whenever that was, I mostly wanted to kill everyone around me. And that feeling took years to wear off.... actually it's probably still there I just don't have to be around people like that anymore. One of my girls didnt start with it, she had plenty of her own friends and her own life and I figured she was fine then one day it started.... she tried to burn down the house, she accused a rival fraction member of rape....in that case she started coming with me everywhere, she obviously needed the attention and something was causing it, once we figured out what it was she went back to normal.

(in reply to littleladybug)

Post #: 7

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 2:59:51 PM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
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I am a female Dominant preferring male subs/slaves, not for any sexual reasons (several of My subs have been gay or happily married), but because I've always had a happier dynamic with males (vanilla friends as well). I have a tendency to be "pushy", abrupt, blunt, and brutally honest, and females seem to take it more personally than males so My female-female relationships aren't very long-lived as a general rule. As for your question about "sub frenzy", if you mean over-zealousness or over-eager enthusiasm, I usually just let them burn it off. Eventually they'll either settle into a smooth pace or they'll burn out and POOF.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

For everyone: What is your gender AND what is your gender preference: male, female, or both?

For the dominants/switches:How do you deal with the issue of sub frenzy in the newish submissive?

For the subs: When you were new, how did your dominant deal with your sub frenzy?

Bonus points for anecdotal evidence of how most deal with sub frenzy, how sub frenzy differs in males and females, and how in the ideal situation, it SHOULD BE dealt with.

AND anything else you want to bring to this topic.

Let's discuss!

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 8

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 3:03:35 PM

sexyred1

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I am a sub, prefer men.

I have never had sub frenzy because I was always very aware of that side of me since an early age. I was lucky to have had my first D/s experiences coincide with my first love relationship. I did, however, allow my last relationship's hot D/s side to take over the fact that everything else sucked. That wasn't frenzy as much as being addicted to what we did and loving the wrong person. I was, however, aware of what I was doing.

I believe that some people, Dom or sub, have overwhelming desires, either purely sexual or emotional, who are prone to sub frenzy.

I find that sub frenzy produces bad choices such as staying in an abusive relationship, or becoming an insta-sub or insta-Dom, or believing bullshit and ignoring red flags, feeling forced to engage in poly or bisexual behavior, etc.

It's like the endorphins from their first exciting times take over reasoning and that, combined with low self esteem, or lack of self awareness is a recipe for disaster.

< Message edited by sexyred1 -- 8/5/2015 3:04:31 PM >

(in reply to DerangedUnit)

Post #: 9

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 4:36:10 PM

IsDom

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Can I get the definition of "sub frenzy"?

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 10

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 5:23:20 PM

ResidentSadist

Posts: 12580
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From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
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quote:

ORIGINAL: IsDom

Can I get the definition of "sub frenzy"?

What exactly is sub-frenzy?
Sub-frenzy is a phenomenon that affects many new submissives. It’s that first rush of overwhelming, consuming desire to experience every kind of kink, as soon as possible, often to the point of neglecting all other concerns.

Most of us have thought about submission long before we ever have the nerve to go looking for it, and when we do, it’s often like someone dropped a bomb in the middle of our world. You can become consumed by it. BDSM is all you can think about.

per Kate Kinsey

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RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/5/2015 7:40:08 PM

Wayward5oul

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Joined: 11/9/2014
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
For everyone: What is your gender AND what is your gender preference: male, female, or both?

Female submissive, preference in male dominants

quote:

For the subs: When you were new, how did your dominant deal with your sub frenzy?

I did not 'have" a dominant. I was fortunate to have one play partner that was a dom, and I was able to work out some of my frenzy with him. But I was pretty frenzied, lol, and there were a couple of times that I found myself ignoring obvious red flags pursuing kink, or just just throwing caution out the window entirely. I paid for those moments, some I was able to get through with the help of my dom friend, who came to my house one night in the middle of the night, after receiving an unintelligible call from me, and held me in his lap all night while I cried. After that our dynamic became more one of mentoring/protecting rather than play partners. Once I started to regain my senses, I found that I didn't need to turn to him for that anymore.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 12

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/6/2015 4:23:54 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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Thank you for your reply, it's very helpful.

Not very many admit to having sub frenzy, so I appreciate the candor.

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Post #: 13

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/6/2015 5:57:33 AM

MAINEiacMISTRESS

Posts: 1180
Joined: 9/12/2012
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So THAT'S what happened to My house, it was someone's damn SUB FRENZY!

quote:

ORIGINAL: ResidentSadist

quote:

ORIGINAL: IsDom

Most of us have thought about submission long before we ever have the nerve to go looking for it, and when we do, it’s often like someone dropped a bomb in the middle of our world...

per Kate Kinsey

(in reply to ResidentSadist)

Post #: 14

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/6/2015 7:35:09 AM

RaptureUK

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Joined: 8/5/2015
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I am a female Switch (with a capital S

) , I have no significant lean to either gender (although I don't feel the same way about them).

I have to say that I've never had to deal with sub frenzy, and certainly never realised it was common enough to have its own term. I think I've witnessed it in the past but it's hard to say as so far those eager submissives weren't actually in a position to act on their fantasies. All of these were male, I don't think I've ever witnessed sub frenzy in a female.

When I was new, I don't recall experiencing sub frenzy. But that might be because I was into a lot from the start, and am still into a lot of things now. The closest I've come to anything similar would likely just be sub space, as I start enjoying pretty much everything and would likely not safe word, even for something I would safe word for if I was in a "normal" state of mind. That's not anything that needs dealing with though, as I don't become demanding. Just very accepting.

I imagine the only way to deal with it is to take it step by step. There's no reason they shouldn't get to try everything that interests them, but there's also no reason why they should do that in the shortest time possible. Leave some for later. If they're particularly well behaved... Explain it to them and just say no? Let's not forget no Dominant has any obligation to perform or provide sexual acts & favours they are genuinely not comfortable with for any reason (even if that reason is purely concern for the submissive), just like a submissive. In the end it's for the submissive to trust their Dominant to do what is best for them, their development as a submissive as well as a person. And for the Dominant to take that responsibility seriously. Even if that means saying no to play.

< Message edited by RaptureUK -- 8/6/2015 7:40:07 AM >

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RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/6/2015 1:30:33 PM

InHisHeart

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Joined: 3/22/2014
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I'm female (sub) and go for male Doms.

I never experienced having sub frenzy. My former Dom/husband and I were together for over 20 years. We were in our 20s, started exploring this part of who we are and grew together in it.

With my current (8 years together), neither of us was actively looking for a relationship at the time we started talking. We met on another message board site, became on-line friends, started talking by phone, knew there was an interest by both of us to pursue more, decided to met in-person to make sure the interest and chemistry we felt was real, not just fantasy.

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RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/6/2015 1:36:33 PM

RemoteUser

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The few times I've encountered a sub with sub frenzy, I engage their ability to think by steering topics out of the sexual milieu. Which usually causes them to stop talking with me, altogether, because I'm not engaging at their level. It's unfortunate, but acceptable, because I'm just not the type to get a lay and move on. That means I require a certain level of compatibility, and if the other person isn't at that stage then there's nothing wrong with it, but it's not a fit, either.

I wouldn't mind doting, thoughtful, playful behaviour, but I can't do something strictly sexual. Tried it, hated it.

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Post #: 17

RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/6/2015 4:18:37 PM

Kaliko

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Joined: 9/25/2010
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Female submissive for a dominant male.

I never thought I went through sub frenzy. But in retrospect, I have to sheepishly admit to it. My behavior during that time was uncharacteristic of me. I guess I thought that sub frenzy meant, you know, frenzied. And since I wasn't feeling frenzied, I didn't consider the possibility of sub frenzy. But the rush of it all was, indeed, dictating some of my choices at that time, unfortunately.

It also makes me wonder (and I don't mean anyone specifically in this thread, but in general) whether those who say they haven't gone through sub frenzy actually haven't...or they just don't recognize that they did. I like to think I have a pretty good handle on myself, and so I was taken aback by the realization that I did fall victim. But it took me some good time to see that - some distance was necessary.

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

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RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/7/2015 2:34:26 AM

NookieNotes

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It's not just sub frenzy. Doms do it, too. And switches. It's frenzy:

OHMIGAWD! This thing! It's so fun and new. I must do/try/be all that I can. RITE NOAW! Must. Have. Partner (or many).

You see the same type of thing when people discover alcohol or personal freedoms for the first time, or become reborn.

I never went through frenzy in BDSM simply because I grew up around it. It was not a new shiny for me. Neither was alcohol or drugs. They were known quantities with good and bad, fun and boring.

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RE: Differences between male and female subs - 8/7/2015 6:12:20 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
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I agree with both Nookie and Kaliko on this one.

When I first came out as a domme (back in the 70s) I did have some 'this is so new and wonderful' frenzy.

And, some sub frenzy might explain my choice of a husband back in the early 80s (suffice it to say, he was not a good choice.)

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Post #: 20

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