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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 3:48:23 AM

MrrPete

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I agree that this is cruel and unusual punishment and I can't think of
any situation that would warrant such treatment.

I like the 2 week notice idea. Spell it out in no uncertain terms and when he doesn't
reply just move on and chalk another one up to experience.

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 4:08:04 AM

MizSuz

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I've been known to banish people for unacceptable behavior. Much the same as I would in any relationship, if someone is behaving in a way that I don't choose to participate in then I don't want them behaving like that around me. I choose to abstain.

Now, usually that only lasts as long as it takes the offender to realize that the offending behavior is unacceptable, commit to making that change, develop a plan for effecting that change, and contacts me.

The length of time that may take is not in my control nor do I want control over it. Once I banish you you are free to walk, or not, as you see fit. If you think it's worth knuckling down you will. If you don't you won't. It's all good either way.

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 4:16:00 AM

bandit25

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I love the two week notice idea. You've said you were sorry. I assume you've changed whatever behavior and tried to contact him. The ball is in his court now. Like julia said..release yourself.

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 4:19:23 AM

Caethes

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     A punishment when used properly should effectively curb the slave/submissive from 'messing up' in that way.   A slave/submissive should be told what her punishment entails prior to it being given; what the punishment is, how long it will last...   I am assuming that the Dom didn't tell the slave anything about this, just simply stopped talking.   IMHO this Dom is being rather immature with His actions and personally, I would begin to wonder what I actually saw in Him to begin with.
    Vanilla relationships a difficult endeavor to maintain, and lifestyle relationships are even more difficult because of the complex nature of them. Lifestyle relationships must have communication, more so than any other, imo, in that way it can remain healthy and be allowed to grow.   This Dom's actions are not in the least bit healthy.   I am not against speech restriction nor am I against being ignored, properly done it can be a very effective punishment (such as a slave who curses often or back talks) however, the slave/submissive should have her infraction brought to her attention---example you have been back talking to me all week and I have warned you repeatedly, therefore you are not allowed any communication with me for an entire week unless it is a true emergency.   That is proper and effective.
     As to how long to wait, in the case of abandonment and that is really what it is, I have heard as little as two weeks and as long as six weeks.   If the slave truly wants to continue this relationship (which I personally wouldn't) I would take the suggestion of sending a message that she is waiting x amount of time and if He doesn't respond she is moving on.

Please not these are my views and are no way intended to offend

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 7:17:20 AM

OsideGirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilninotchka

Master stops talking to slave. Does NOT release though...yes, the relationship is like that.

This is passive agressive behavior and it won't change unless he wants it to change. Personally, I'd move on.

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 7:29:34 AM

sleazybutterfly

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This sure hit very close to home. Nobody knows the dynamics of the relationship, so it really is a bit hard to give advice on it. For me though, I would ask for immediate release, if no response was given, release yourself. Being ignored for a week or a month is not a punishment, it is just plain cruel. You could beat me with a belt a million times and it would not hurt nearly as bad as withdrawing communication.

I know it will hurt and that it will be hard. A strength will come out of it though and that will get you through.

It's just my opinion that no one should have to put up with this in any form...NO ONE.

Waiting a certain amount of time, shows respect. Why show respect to someone that has shown you none by their actions?

~Andrea (flutterby)

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 9:48:47 AM

LokisBrat

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I would say that this is inappropiate behavior. At the very least, a time limit should have been discussed. Being a Master/Dom requires a great deal of responsibility in discipline as well as praise. If your behavior was not "satisfactory" then he should at the very least explain why and what the consequences are. I do not know the full details of your relationship, so this opinion is drawn on my experiences.
If I am going to silence the communication between Brat and I, the reason will be explained and the time limit set. I am personally not fond of this kind of discipline, I think this can damage security and trust issues that are key components in a relationship.
I can see the point in letting you suffer without knowledge of what is yet to come, but this should be done responsibly.

LOKI

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 11:57:38 AM

branwen

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My opinion- take it for what it is worth. Even if the slave "messed up", unless this was a punishment they had been warned about beforehand, move on. If a slave is being punished, they need to know it, and know why. Otherwise, its just an immature reaction, a Dom letting their emotions get the better of them.

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 12:31:56 PM

justheather

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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

i would hope the submissive in your example leaves immediately, the "silent treatment"imo should only ever be used with clearly stated time frames and emergency access....anythign less is irresponsible.

I agree that if a dom is going to ignore a submissive as a form of punishment, it would be more responsible for him to indicate the parameters of the punishment involved and when (or at least whether) he planned to end the punishment. It is very difficult, even for the most self-aware person, to remain in a good headspace under the circumstances you described.

Of course there may be some specific reason for this particular method, of which we are unaware. (Maybe that's what the OP means when saying "yes, the relationship is 'like that'".)I would hope that the OP would at least be aware of this special circumstance, though, otherwise it really would be a strange and not particularly productive way to go about proving a particular point.

It is possible that he is just "being sadistic". Still, to take it to this extreme without regard for the impact it could have on the relationship might indicate he does not really value the relationship and you'd be better off moving on regardless of whether or not he was planning on communicating again in the near future.

It would be difficult for me to thrive in a relationship where I didnt know which way was up and I could not trust that there would be provision made for that when Im being punished.

If you really feel like you need to set up some kind of acceptable timeframe for removing yourself from the situation, I agree that Bita's two weeks notice idea would be a good option.

I wish you the best.

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 3:05:52 PM

thetammyjo

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilninotchka

A hypothetical situation: Master has slave for over a year, slave messes up. Master stops talking to slave. Does NOT release though...yes, the relationship is like that. Does slave then move on? Probably yes, but when? How long a wait would be appropriate? After the apologies with no response (not even an 'f*** you!'), what do you do? Keep in mind that this is probably a little deeper/more involved mentally than the average relationship (that's purely a guess, might be wrong, but not thinking so!)

This probably has been discussed, but please answer anyway?

If there were any legal obligations involved (such as might develop from living together) then get a lawyer as you move on.

Someone who stops talking to you, has broken up with you they just don't have the courage or the empathy to do it clearly.

As to how long you wait to move on.... you mean to find another relationship? Only you can say based on your record of relationship endings and beginnings and your experience of how quickly you heal.

I personally recommend getting experiences over finding relationships when we start out in BDSM. Join some munches, clubs, organization, play with many folks, protect yourself, read a lot, talk a lot, think a lot, and figure out you first before you head into a relationship that is more than to learn. Now a learning relationship can be intense and it will have some committment but it isn't slavery and it isn't "forever" so you can learn.

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 5:24:09 PM

CreativeDominant

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilninotchka

A hypothetical situation: Master has slave for over a year, slave messes up. Master stops talking to slave. Does NOT release though...yes, the relationship is like that. Does slave then move on? Probably yes, but when? How long a wait would be appropriate? After the apologies with no response (not even an 'f*** you!'), what do you do? Keep in mind that this is probably a little deeper/more involved mentally than the average relationship (that's purely a guess, might be wrong, but not thinking so!)

This probably has been discussed, but please answer anyway?

I have to agree with the whole idea of a two-weeks notice.

Whenever there has been a time that I've disciplined a submissive, there was a discussion about why discipline was taking place. I don't use physical punishments so all punishments are along other lines. Would I use silence? I don't honestly know. I can think of a situation where I might but even then, it would depend on many factors and, like all disciplines, there would be a stated purpose, a start time and an end time. None of that is true in your case and you are left to sit and wonder. That isn't fair...and yeah, I know life isn't fair but there are still rules to be followed in any D/s interaction; hell, in ANY human interaction...and it's time that he either acknowledges your feelings and explains what's going on or it is time for you to stiffen that upper lip, give him a two week notice, and then act upon it if he fails to act.

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RE: What would you do? - 7/17/2006 6:07:35 PM

Rayne58

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lilninotchka

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

How long as the Master been silent? Hours? Days? Weeks? Has he done this before? Was it an offense that had previously been communicated would get the slave released?

Almost a month except for some issue unrelated to the relationship - that was short and to the point. He has for very short periods beeen uncommunicative in the past. Release for any offense was never an issue. Release was contingent only upon true desire to leave the relationship.

Being ignored for that long would be a deal breaker for me

My ex husband used the silent treatment with me and I'm not going to accept that from anyone ever again, it is childish and very selfish and doesn't help anyone work out their differences and communicate, and after all isn't communication one of the cornerstones of any relationship (D/s or otherwise).

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