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Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 8:04:54 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		Talking with a group of submissives the topic of moving from active single participation at munches, events and play parties to a committed live-in relationship came up. I found myself mostly listening with little to offer as my own experience differed so greatly. I was in a committed D/s relationship before I ever even heard the terms submissive and Dominant or ever attended an event.

There was one girl who was very new in a relationship who said that she just didn't realize how "hard" this was going to be. I was kind of surprised because I have seen her around the lifestyle circles for a couple of years now...so I made the incorrect assumption that she had a pretty good understanding of it all. She explained that her "view" of the lifestyle up until recently was getting dressed up in fetish wear on a Friday or Saturday night and heading for the nearest kinky gathering where she became the perfect little submissive, adhered to all of the protocol, spoke the "speak" and tested the play waters. She is now having a hard time making the transition from the "glamour" of the Dog and Pony shows to the reality of having to be submissive in a real life, sometimes trying or mundane relationship. She said the experience was kind of like "culture shock" and was asking advice on how to get through it....and she also wanted to know "is this what it is really like?". She said "I really thought this was going to be lots more fun".

I found myself not being able to offer her much advice because I don't know what the reality of that kind of disillusionment feels like. I enjoyed listening in and was surprised that so many of the others could really relate or had a similar experience.

So my question is...have any of you had this same sort of "let down" when you became involved on a live in 24/7 basis....and if so, how did you cope or get through it? Were you surprised when you realized that the "glamour" of the events is not necessarily an accurate portrayal of the inner workings of 24/7 D/s or M/s and is usually not carried over into everyday existence?

I don't know if I'm saying this right but the feeling that I got is that many, even those who have been around for a good amount of time, can still have a "fantasy" vision that far exceeds the reality.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 8:12:36 AM   
sapphirepleasure


Posts: 411
Joined: 4/27/2006
From: Land of Enchantment
Status: offline 		I have never done the events, and jumped right into a 24/7 relationship with the first dom I met (after interviewing a ton of them until I found one I really clicked with).  Although we both knew it would be a short term situation because I am relocating imminently, it's been wonderful for both of us.  He's introduced me to the lifestyle and many avenues of play and, most importantly, the mindset of a slave.  I am ready to move into a permanent relationship after I relocate and find the right person with whom to experience this deeper commitment.

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 8:13:52 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		I do understand what you mean and this is exactly the reason FOR ME that I am not looking for "play partners" so much as a 24/7 relationship. It is very different. If you do it going from play partner to relationship of course it is going to be that much harder (to make the transition) because you go into it with a very different view of what will be happening. If I have contact with a person and each time it is one way (nothing but play).. why wouldnt I expect it to be like a dungeon scene all the time.. thats all I know of this person. That is the mindset I dont want to get into. I have had play partners before.. found out with most, thats all they wanted. What I desire  / require for myself is to get to know someone with the full expectation that this will be a 24  / 7 at some point. This way.. I learn so much more about expectations and desires, mindsets, goals..is it harder?? You betcha.. is it worthwhile ... without a single solitary doubt for me.. it is worth everything!

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 8:20:35 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		I equate this to a common vanilla situation. Some people are very adept at the chase (ie pickup artists), but having this skill in no way prepares them for a committed relationship. Likewise, we don't learn how to give or receive service on a continual basis by doing the "meet and beat", as fun as that is.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 8:29:24 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I equate this to a common vanilla situation. Some people are very adept at the chase (ie pickup artists), but having this skill in no way prepares them for a committed relationship. Likewise, we don't learn how to give or receive service on a continual basis by doing the "meet and beat", as fun as that is.

Master Fire



And to take this point even further, how many know people, or have experienced yourselves, a surprise at how hard marriage is when actually in one?  Or how hard raising children is, until we actually have them?  Or how hard fighting for your health is, until you are actually ill?  It just proves the point that until someone actually lives a situation, they do not know all it entails.  Dillusionment?  Perhaps.  Naivite'?  Perhaps.  One can not know the experience of what one has not personally experienced.  Having an idea of how something will be does not equate to living it.  D/s relationships are no different in this regard.

Edited for spelling

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 7/17/2006 9:07:49 AM >

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 8:42:12 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

One can not know the experience of what one has not personally experienced.  Having an idea of how something will be does not equate to living it.  D/s relationships are no different in this regard.


And yet.. how many sign up thinking its going to be just that.. different?  The subs think the doms need to be responsible for their happiness.. The doms think the subs should do nothing but think of their domly needs and be available whenever they say so...

Ok.. so this is a bit harsh coming from a professed "potential slave" but really.. can we at least pretend that this is not pretend and get real? (ooo.. I Like that phrase)

Once we get into that all powerful totally wonderful relationship with the RIGHT one (notice the emphasis on the word RIGHT) we need to take the time to get to know ourselves and potential partners. We need to know what makes someone compatible with us and us with them. We need to stop thinking that there is only our play styles that need to come into play when deciding who we want as life partners.

Am I perfect.. hell no!! I have four marriages and 3 masters under my belt proving that I didnt do it right.. but at least I hope I have learned something new with each one and I do take responsibility for my actions and outcomes where I need to.

It would be nice to see less of the "S/He's to blame for my unhappiness" and more of  the .. this is what I learned so I dont make the same mistakes twice.

Edited to add: I know this was not originally a "blaming post" I just got carried away by my ranting.. sorry!

< Message edited by JessieMe -- 7/17/2006 8:44:02 AM >

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 8:49:27 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with you in large part.  I had no clue what I was really doing when I "signed up" for this.  I only knew I was submissive and had an intense need that was blatantly unfilled. Master's power spoke to something in me and I followed.  I am lucky - he was "right" for me. 

And I completely agree with the part about looking at "what I did wrong."  How else do we grow and learn?

The point I was trying to make was that it doesn't surprise me when those who are in their first D/s relationship are surprised at what it entails.

Edited to add a missing word (I'm really on top of things today)

< Message edited by ownedgirlie -- 7/17/2006 9:08:53 AM >

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 8:58:29 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		 <hands ownedgirlie some very low calorie fat free non allergenic cyber peanut butter fudge in truce and solidarity> 

<then starts thinking.. "damn that sounds good.. I think I will make some today">

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 9:06:00 AM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		  My new best friend!!!

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 9:06:49 AM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline 		24/7 D/s is more about life management.

The dog and pony shit is for fun, the rest is work.

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 9:15:32 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Caretakr

24/7 D/s is more about life management.

The dog and pony shit is for fun, the rest is work.


dog and pony shit is a hard limit.. ewww

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to Caretakr)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 9:19:34 AM   
Caretakr


Posts: 1221
Joined: 6/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JessieMe

quote:

ORIGINAL: Caretakr

24/7 D/s is more about life management.

The dog and pony shit is for fun, the rest is work.


dog and pony shit is a hard limit.. ewww


Good thing you aren't a farmer then.

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 9:21:18 AM   
JessieMe


Posts: 510
Joined: 6/5/2006
Status: offline 		No kidding <cracking up>

_____________________________

This is who I am
And this is all I know.
That I must choose to live for all that I can give
The spark that makes the Power grow
<Immortality by Celine Dion>

(in reply to Caretakr)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 9:22:32 AM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		Dog here, pony where?

Yours,


benji

_____________________________

Prevent global warming. Stop burning patchouli.

(in reply to JessieMe)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 11:06:32 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		it was a culture shock for me to go from bedroomsubmissive  to 24-7 slave....
 
i think you need to transition slowly....
 
my Owner did not feel that way.
 
it was one of the best and worst experiances of my life....maybe the best and worst.
 
 

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 11:36:20 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		Me, too, benji!
I want to know where the ponies are (and I just like petting the doggies).

Seriously, I haven't done this (I have been married, though, and if you can do that and stick with it when times are bad, well...). But I agree with crouchingtigress - if she has no experience, some Dominant expecting her to adapt to a living situation immediately is not only probably being unrealisitc, he may be being cruel (not in a good way, in a relationship-destructing way) as well.

- Susan



< Message edited by SusanofO -- 7/17/2006 12:05:01 PM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 11:37:38 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I had a shell shock that is for sure. It's why I am in no rush to get greedy and grab.

Now, dogs and ponies? Where??


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 11:44:53 AM   
EndConfusionNE


Posts: 4
Joined: 7/5/2006
Status: offline 		Some knowledgeable men would rather (all things equal) start a ltr with a woman who has not been part of this "scene".

quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

There was one girl who was very new in a relationship who said that she just didn't realize how "hard" this was going to be. I was kind of surprised because I have seen her around the lifestyle circles for a couple of years now...so I made the incorrect assumption that she had a pretty good understanding of it all. She explained that her "view" of the lifestyle up until recently was getting dressed up in fetish wear on a Friday or Saturday night and heading for the nearest kinky gathering where she became the perfect little submissive, adhered to all of the protocol, spoke the "speak" and tested the play waters. She is now having a hard time making the transition from the "glamour" of the Dog and Pony shows to the reality of having to be submissive in a real life, sometimes trying or mundane relationship. She said the experience was kind of like "culture shock" and was asking advice on how to get through it....and she also wanted to know "is this what it is really like?". She said "I really thought this was going to be lots more fun".


(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 11:51:29 AM   
sleazybutterfly


Posts: 2801
Joined: 5/15/2006
Status: offline 		I think the reality has been a lot different that what I imagined.  I think that we are taught early on in life (fairy tales) that things will just work out perfectly and we will live happily ever after.  The thing is when we get older, we learn really quick that was a load of poo.
 
I know that I have learned a lot from what I have done..and the choices I have made.  Though I don't regret them because of the growing I have done, I will choose not to do them again in the future.  I don't blame anyone for them, I own them and turn them for my use.
 
I think that is the one problem with online stuff..it's that you get this vision of what it will be like..and then WHAM! you are in it 24/7, and it's nothing like you thought it would be.  People have good days, bad days, every day stress and the outside world to deal with.  It isn't anymore all about getting on your knees (or ordering) it's the ordinariness of life butting in.
 
~Andrea (flutterbi)

_____________________________

~Flutterby
~Curvylicious
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.
Life is not a popularity contest, it's better to be hated for what you believe, than loved for a lie.

(in reply to LaTigresse)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Beyond the Dog and Pony shows.... - 7/17/2006 1:16:12 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

There was one girl who was very new in a relationship who said that she just didn't realize how "hard" this was going to be. I was kind of surprised because I have seen her around the lifestyle circles for a couple of years now...so I made the incorrect assumption that she had a pretty good understanding of it all. She explained that her "view" of the lifestyle up until recently was getting dressed up in fetish wear on a Friday or Saturday night and heading for the nearest kinky gathering where she became the perfect little submissive, adhered to all of the protocol, spoke the "speak" and tested the play waters. She is now having a hard time making the transition from the "glamour" of the Dog and Pony shows to the reality of having to be submissive in a real life, sometimes trying or mundane relationship. She said the experience was kind of like "culture shock" and was asking advice on how to get through it....and she also wanted to know "is this what it is really like?". She said "I really thought this was going to be lots more fun".

So my question is...have any of you had this same sort of "let down" when you became involved on a live in 24/7 basis....and if so, how did you cope or get through it? Were you surprised when you realized that the "glamour" of the events is not necessarily an accurate portrayal of the inner workings of 24/7 D/s or M/s and is usually not carried over into everyday existence?

I don't know if I'm saying this right but the feeling that I got is that many, even those who have been around for a good amount of time, can still have a "fantasy" vision that far exceeds the reality.


Erin,

This is precisely why I do not attend the pageantry of so-called munches and fetish clubs; it draws the wrong type of attention, in my experience. Of late my only similar social involvement with the BDSM world was to attend the Fetish Flea Fair when it arrived in Boston, and that was only to examine the wares being sold. I personally could care less about the pretty warm bodies in latex and thigh highs.




< Message edited by amayos -- 7/17/2006 1:19:17 PM >

(in reply to mistoferin)
Profile   Post #: 20
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