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Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 5:48:55 PM

cindyluvNY

Posts: 26
Joined: 9/29/2015
Status: offline

I've been in and out of a relationship with the same dominant man for about 20-years. He is so wonderful but I can't handle his temper and outbursts, that's why I never married him.

We were living together and had mutual items and checking account. He began having trouble at work and his anger broke out. He started to scream and yell at me. It was so bad I moved out. I went to take out the $5,000 I put into our mutual banking account. However, it was gone. I called him up and he said he invested it in the stock market. I told him I want it and he yells and screams at me.

I had to get an attorney to get my things back. After all the smoke has cleared, he wants to get back together with me. I told him it's over and don't contact me anymore. He begins to cry and insists we get back together.

Now, if I forgave him, we could continue in our beautiful relationship. I love our time together. But he hurt me too deep.

Aren't we supposed to forgive and forget? I just can't seem to do it.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Any comments?

Post #: 1

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 6:20:33 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

Going back to an ex is like taking a shower and then putting your dirty underwear back on.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to cindyluvNY)

Post #: 2

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 6:23:06 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

Never make your ex your next.

Seriously. Life is short.
There are so many new mistakes to be made.
And new people to make them with/on/to.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 3

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 6:34:12 PM

MissKatya

Posts: 341
Joined: 12/21/2007
From: NYC
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Going back to an ex is like taking a shower and then putting your dirty underwear back on.

Best analogy ever.

_____________________________

"The desire to inflict pain, that is all that is uppermost"-Albert Fish

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 4

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 6:39:58 PM

InHisHeart

Posts: 630
Joined: 3/22/2014
Status: offline

Do you think he all of a sudden changed after 20 years of being the way he is? What do you think will be different this time if you go back with him?

IMO, forgiving is for yourself so you can let go of the anger, the hurt, let go of the past and move on from it. Forgiving doesn't mean you want the person who hurt you in your life.

No one needs all that drama and bullshit in their life.

_____________________________

I don't have a bucket list but my fucket list is a mile long.

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

(in reply to cindyluvNY)

Post #: 5

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 6:46:47 PM

UllrsIshtar

Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline

Been there done that.

After 5 years off an on I finally decided I had enough, and no amount of pleading, crying, promises or anger could get me to reconsider (THAT time).

Best decision of my life.

Ignore him.

Move on.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
You love me for everything you hate me for

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 6

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 6:56:39 PM

DutchessD

Posts: 4
Joined: 9/26/2011
Status: offline

Of course you should forgive him. Matthew 6:12 But just because you have forgiven him doesn't mean that you should take him back. They are two separate things. While forgiveness is called for giving your life back to him is a choice. Chose wisely.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)

Post #: 7

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 7:25:35 PM

bamabbwsub

Posts: 566
Joined: 5/28/2007
Status: offline

Tell him that when he returns your $5,000 you'll consider it.

_____________________________

"Everyone is normal until you get to know them." - Dave Sim

I rescue animals. My pockets and gas tank are always empty. My home is always hairy and my inbox full of sadness, but my heart is full when seeing those that are saved.

(in reply to InHisHeart)

Post #: 8

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 7:48:04 PM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

I actually can relate. My x-dom was my perfect dominant except he has difficulty controlling his temper. Infact, when he is in his regular calm stage, he admitted this is a problem. His own mom tells me his always been like this since a kid. And as I know him, I know his temper is not personal towards me, it's like ingrain in him, I don't know if it's a combination of PTSD, inability to handle stress etc. It is his handicap in life. He does it to everyone. At work, with his family, at me.

We tried to work through it by discussing what should happen whenever he feels like his losing control of it, stuffs like, like leave the house and go out and walk and cool down or we go hang out in different rooms until his chill. I stayed with him and work it out with him for awhile, as he admitted he has a problem and was working with me to fix it.

The problem is, it can't be fixed, it will always be there. In the end, he got frustrated,and I got frustrated. And he says I just need to accept this part of him, that his too old to change. And I couldn't accept that part of him. I hate people yelling at me.

And when he had to leave and wanted me to go with him, I couldn't. Despite my rational brain telling me, he can't help himself, but I felt resentful. Like you, his wonderful, our BDSM kinks/Style are a perfect match, our sex is still by far the best I ever had, and when his not screaming and yelling at me, we are laughing and have a great time together. And I believed he deeply loved me.

So in your case, it's been 20 years and I don't know if your man even admits to having a problem. But perhaps you really need to consider if you can just accept this fault of his and live with it. If not, then, you gotta move on. 20 years is difficult to walk away from, but sometimes, to find the happiest and the better situation, tough decisions have to be made. You know yourself and him best whether things can be different or improved.

(in reply to bamabbwsub)

Post #: 9

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 9:11:55 PM

sexyred1

Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

If a man cannot control his anger and steals your money, he is not dominant, he's a douchebag.

It doesn't sound like a "beautiful relationship" at all.

Don't fool yourself that he will change. My ex had an anger issue too and that's why he's an ex.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 10

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/29/2015 9:41:20 PM

Spiritedsub2

Posts: 3316
Joined: 7/18/2012
Status: offline

Fr

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

-Maya Angelou

_____________________________

Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes round in another form.
~ Rumi

Laughing Dolphin

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 11

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/30/2015 3:48:47 AM

NookieNotes

Posts: 1720
Joined: 11/10/2013
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

Going back to an ex is like taking a shower and then putting your dirty underwear back on.

Well, unless you're doing a scene for someone who likes your dirty underwear...

But otherwise, I agree with you. *grins*

--

In my view, taking back someone who hurt you so much and stole money is a recipe for disaster. Because it will be twice as hard to leave the second time, and he will just hurt you and take even more.

Others have pointed out, and I will as well, that you can forgive him, even love him, and still not be in a relationship with him.

I have forgiven everyone who has ever hurt me. That does not mean I allow them all back into my life, or into my life in the way they were originally.

Move on. Find someone who will love you the way you feel you deserve to be loved.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Spiritedsub2

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

-Maya Angelou

This.

_____________________________

Nookie
--
https://datingkinky.com

I Write! A few of my books on Amazon: http://amazon.com/author/msnnotes

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 12

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/30/2015 8:21:57 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY
I've been in and out of a relationship with the same dominant man for about 20-years. He is so wonderful but I can't handle his temper and outbursts, that's why I never married him.

We were living together and had mutual items and checking account. He began having trouble at work and his anger broke out. He started to scream and yell at me. It was so bad I moved out. I went to take out the $5,000 I put into our mutual banking account. However, it was gone. I called him up and he said he invested it in the stock market. I told him I want it and he yells and screams at me.

I had to get an attorney to get my things back. After all the smoke has cleared, he wants to get back together with me. I told him it's over and don't contact me anymore. He begins to cry and insists we get back together.

Now, if I forgave him, we could continue in our beautiful relationship. I love our time together. But he hurt me too deep.

Aren't we supposed to forgive and forget? I just can't seem to do it.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Any comments?

Please tell me that you're not serious.

If that doesn't work, can you please explain to me what kind of "beautiful relationship" involves a person misappropriating your money, you having to hire an attorney to get your things back, and whatever else is going on? If you ever have to involve the legal system (civil or criminal) against someone, that's not the person you want back in your life EVER!

I'm going to make a special mention of this. I consider it important:

quote:

I told him it's over and don't contact me anymore. He begins to cry and insists we get back together.

OK. How are you 'telling' him? Have you had to tell him more than once? If so, you have the beginnings of a problem.

ETA - After posting, I realized that I was not clear when I asked how you are telling him. By that, I mean are you doing it verbally? By phone? In his physical space with another person present? Sending email?

The reason I ask is because some of these methods are better than others should this situation go from bad to worse.

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 9/30/2015 8:30:31 AM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to cindyluvNY)

Post #: 13

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/30/2015 8:24:45 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 14

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/30/2015 8:59:10 AM

cindyluvNY

Posts: 26
Joined: 9/29/2015
Status: offline

Since you are asking for more details......
I hope I'm not writing too much or revealing too much.

We had a wonderful relationship and he has a lot of good qualities.
In the past, he has displayed inappropriate anger towards me and I left him.
I forgave him, got back together, and continued to have a wonderful relationship.

This last bout of anger was the greatest I've ever seen. Also, this was the first time money was an issue. In the past he was always fair and generous. I've never seen this side of him before.

1. I sat down with coffee at a public place to tell him it is over. I did this because at this time I'm not able to handle any screaming and yelling from him.
2. He began to cry and say, "What have I ever done to you for you to treat me this way?"
3. I felt shocked. I began to go over things and he completely denied everything.
4. I told him I had to get an attorney to get the $5,000 back. He said he was going to give it back to me. He just needed time to sell the stock. I told him he had no right to withdraw that money from our account and gamble with it in the stock market without my permission. He said he was just looking out for my best interest so that he could make money off it.
5. I told him that the worst thing was his anger. I just don't want to be around him because of his anger. He said he knows he is an angry person but he thought he always hid it. He is sorry that some of it seeped through.

I didn't send him a birthday card or Christmas card. But he continues to send me cards.
If I forgave him, like I have in the past, we could continue with a great relationship.
But this time the hurt is too deep

*******
I wanted to add that forgiveness is a beautiful thing. If you forgive someone else you can continue the relationship. I did some crappy things to another person and that person forgave me. It's wonderful. I was just wondering what other people's experience was when someone hurt them too deep. Did they forgive that person? Did they get back together with that person?

< Message edited by cindyluvNY -- 9/30/2015 9:05:38 AM >

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 15

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/30/2015 9:12:29 AM

Greta75

Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline

I really think this situation complicates that both of you have a 20 yr old relationship together. It's only at the end of 20 years did he misappropriate your money.

I don't know what to think of this. Was he having financial troubles? I totally get how annoying the temper part is but you survived it for a long time so in some ways, you are used to him.

The only puzzling part is why he took the money. And why did he think it's a good idea to take your money and invest for you without your permission?

After 20 years of knowing you.

I don't know, such situations are hard. You know him best.

(in reply to cindyluvNY)

Post #: 16

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/30/2015 9:23:43 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY
Did they forgive that person? Did they get back together with that person?

Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. I have forgiven and gotten back together because he addressed the problem and I have forgiven and not gotten back together.

What I have not done is forgiven repeatedly for the same thing over and over....which is what you have done with anger issue. Unless he's willing to do something about his anger issues, there's really not much point in going back.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to cindyluvNY)

Post #: 17

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/30/2015 9:27:46 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

If you think that there could be a new relationship with him, then tell him to go get some anger management help.
Therapist, anger management classes, and an assessment by a psychiatrist to determine if this can be treated with medication.

Hell, give him the names and numbers of the therapist, psychiatrist and classes.

Then tell him that he needs to do the rest.

If he's serious about changing, he will call and get help. You don't ask him or remind him. In six months ask what he did. I doubt he will make even one phone call.

Now if he does get all this help, that's something different. At that point you decide what you need to be able to start dating him again. Obviously you aren't sharing your income with him in the future.

If he doesn't go for help, then he doesn't want to change and you know it isn't safe for you to go back.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 18

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/30/2015 9:58:05 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY
...If you forgive someone else you can continue the relationship. I did some crappy things to another person and that person forgave me. It's wonderful. I was just wondering what other people's experience was when someone hurt them too deep. Did they forgive that person? Did they get back together with that person?

The issue here is not the length of time you've been together, or his anger outbursts.
He has broken your trust in him and that is something very rarely repaired and regained.

Forgive? Yes, by all means. That is noble and wonderful.
Take him back when the trust has been broken?? No way in hell, not a snowball's.

Trust knows no time limits so it doesn't matter whether you've known him 20 minutes, 20 days, 20 months or 20 years; once that trust is broken, you aren't likely to get it back and even if you do, there will always be that little niggle at the back of your mind. All those wonderful things in-between the anger glitches won't make up for the lost trust.

I have forgiven many of my ex's for various horrible things, but I never ever went back to any of them.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

(in reply to cindyluvNY)

Post #: 19

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 9/30/2015 10:38:58 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY

Since you are asking for more details......
I hope I'm not writing too much or revealing too much.

We had a wonderful relationship and he has a lot of good qualities.
In the past, he has displayed inappropriate anger towards me and I left him.
I forgave him, got back together, and continued to have a wonderful relationship.

I'm going to be very blunt. This part is inconsequential to me. If you left him and went back and left him and went back... That was you making a conscious choice to do so. Anything that you voluntarily returned to during your relationship is off the table, in my opinion.

quote:

This last bout of anger was the greatest I've ever seen. Also, this was the first time money was an issue. In the past he was always fair and generous. I've never seen this side of him before.

Well, I'll be frank with you. If somebody ripped me off for five grand and I had to hire an attorney to get it back, that's sufficient. The person doesn't have to do it multiple times. Once is enough.

The anger thing being the worst you had seen? Ok. You saw it and you left. If it was bad enough to get you to leave, why is this complicated now?

quote:

1. I sat down with coffee at a public place to tell him it is over. I did this because at this time I'm not able to handle any screaming and yelling from him.

This is where my confusion begins. If you couldn't handle the screaming and yelling, why would you meet with this person to begin with? You have so many other options at your disposal. You could have just as easily sent an email and blocked the other person from reply. (Btw, that's actually what they instruct you to do if you have someone stalking you, harassing you, or threatening you in any way. It allows you to keep an electronic record should the need arise.)

quote:

2. He began to cry and say, "What have I ever done to you for you to treat me this way?"

I couldn't care less about any blubbering, begging, or any other form of emotional manipulation the other party attempted to do. Moving on.

quote:

3. I felt shocked. I began to go over things and he completely denied everything.

This was a waste of your time. Once you say the relationship is over, you are not required to do any of this.

quote:

4. I told him I had to get an attorney to get the $5,000 back. He said he was going to give it back to me. He just needed time to sell the stock. I told him he had no right to withdraw that money from our account and gamble with it in the stock market without my permission. He said he was just looking out for my best interest so that he could make money off it.

This is another point of confusion to me. Why was your attorney not handling this in the first place? Did they not inform you not to be meeting with the party named in your civil suit? That's what your attorney is for. To file your complaint and handle the case through the court system. Your attorney should have explained to you that, once the civil action was filed, you shouldn't be meeting with the other party to discuss terms. That's what civil court is for.

quote:

5. I told him that the worst thing was his anger. I just don't want to be around him because of his anger. He said he knows he is an angry person but he thought he always hid it. He is sorry that some of it seeped through.

The anger is either bad enough that you don't want to be in a relationship with him or it isn't. If it's such a big deal, it's simple. Stay away from that person.

quote:

I didn't send him a birthday card or Christmas card.

Why on God's green earth would you? If you want a person out of your life, you don't contact them anymore. It doesn't sound to me like we're talking about folks who still want to be friends or there was an amicable parting. The guy ripped you off. You repeatedly mention that his anger was a problem over the years. Do you send other people that you don't want to associate with in life Christmas cards? That's just silly.

quote:

But he continues to send me cards.

I hope you saved them. That postal mark is worth gold if you ever have to file a stalking complaint. Once you tell a person NOT TO CONTACT YOU ANYMORE, and they continue to do so, they legally classify as a stalker. As a member of the bar, I'm amazed your attorney did not tell you this.

quote:

If I forgave him, like I have in the past, we could continue with a great relationship.
But this time the hurt is too deep

Then...

Don't contact him anymore.

Don't let him contact you anymore.

Don't try to do your attorney's job anymore.

Don't do any of this anymore.

*******

quote:

I wanted to add that forgiveness is a beautiful thing. If you forgive someone else you can continue the relationship. I did some crappy things to another person and that person forgave me. It's wonderful. I was just wondering what other people's experience was when someone hurt them too deep. Did they forgive that person? Did they get back together with that person?

This is the part where you just basically want to have people tell you what you want to hear. You might as well have wrote out something more like this:

"I'd love to hear stories from other people where their relationship partner did a truly horrible thing, but you forgave them, so the two of you reunited and you lived happily ever after. Because, even though the person made you the victim of a crime, I'd just love to know stories of how people forgave the other person and it all turned out ok."

You might get some stories like that. I won't be the person telling you one.

PS. I notice you never actually say anything about how long it took you to get your money back, whether your attorney fees were covered, or any of that non-fairy tale kind of stuff. Since you specifically mention Christmas cards and it's now the end of September, something tells me this nonsense has gone on far too long, already.

ETA - Geez. All that and I had to do an edit to add the word "the".

< Message edited by LadyPact -- 9/30/2015 11:03:05 AM >

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to cindyluvNY)

Post #: 20

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