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RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 10/2/2015 4:41:55 AM

crazyml

Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY
2. He began to cry and say, "What have I ever done to you for you to treat me this way?"
3. I felt shocked. I began to go over things and he completely denied everything.

This is not the hallmark of a beautiful relationship.

This actually shouts "fucked up relationship". And, without wishing to go down the one true way path, I'm at a loss as to what kind of Dominant person (male or female) would cry and say "What have I ever done to you for you to treat me this way?"

Now... You've a ton of history, and (rationally or not) you believe that the relationship is beautiful. So here's the thing... The only way I could see you getting back together is if he agrees to counselling. He's plainly in total fucking denial about his behaviour, and unless he can confront that, and learn to deal with his anger, then frankly - You're not actually safe with him.

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RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 10/2/2015 5:01:56 AM

freedomdwarf1

Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY
I see what you are saying. If we forgive and forget and get back into the relationship it's like we are enabling them to be who they are.

Absolutely! Spot on!

quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY
I know this is off the subject matter, but what if it is a family member? I have a Dad and brother who are pretty much the same way. Is blood thicker then water? Would you treat a family member differently?

To me, abuse, in whatever form it rears its ugly head, is abuse. period.
I wouldn't treat a family member any differently.
If anything, a family member is taking advantage of a specific personal point than anyone else.
So to that end, it counts double-trouble.

The prase 'forgive and forget' also includes those that are part of the problem IMHO.
That means to forget the person - not go running back to them as if nothing had happened.

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Post #: 42

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 10/2/2015 1:04:17 PM

alien8

Posts: 9
Joined: 4/9/2014
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quote:

I see what you are saying. If we forgive and forget and get back into the relationship it's like we are enabling them to be who they are.

Exactly. Consciously or unconsciously, he is feeling out your emotional limits to see what you will put up with, but not in a sexy mutually exciting way. I can sympathize with him because I have struggled with my own temper and have a lot of baggage - but if he can't control himself, then he can't safely control you.

quote:

I know this is off the subject matter, but what if it is a family member? I have a Dad and brother who are pretty much the same way. Is blood thicker then water? Would you treat a family member differently?

No. Forgiveness is a good thing and can help heal past injuries, but while I have a cordial relationship with my own immediate family members and do care about them, I keep them at arm's length for the sake of my own emotional well-being and have made it clear that the terms of our relationship are not negotiable.

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Post #: 43

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 10/4/2015 2:28:42 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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You might find ACOA meetings helpful in learning to have strong boundaries.

If you really love someone, then you want to help them become better. Not stay unhealthy. Telling someone who finds a lump on their breast not to go to the doctor isn't loving. Pushing them to get diagnosed and treated early is.

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Post #: 44

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 10/4/2015 2:39:30 PM

angelikaJ

Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cindyluvNY

quote:

ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance

You looked him in the eyes, face to face, told him what he did to harm you and he denied it?

Ok, either he has anger blackouts, or verbally abusing people is so common to him that he doesn't really register it as an issue.

My ex-husband had blackouts of anger. He did horrible things in his anger that I won't talk about to this day nearly 20 years later.

When I left him, I had to sneak away and hide from him for a long time - but I did call him - and he was shocked I left him. He actually asked "What did I do? Why did you leave me?" I was shocked that he genuinely never expected his actions would have consequences. In retrospect, why should they? I was complicit to his actions by, (wait for it) Forgiving him and staying as long as I did.

I see what you are saying. If we forgive and forget and get back into the relationship it's like we are enabling them to be who they are.

I know this is off the subject matter, but what if it is a family member? I have a Dad and brother who are pretty much the same way. Is blood thicker then water? Would you treat a family member differently?

Have you ever been to ACOA?
Adult Children of Alcoholics?

Forgiving someone does not mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior.
Forgiving someone does not mean you give them permission to hurt or abuse you again.

When you are ready, you can forgive someone from a distance.
You don't have to put yourself in a position where you can be hurt again.

Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters by Portia Nelson

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg

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Post #: 45

RE: Forgiving Your Dominant - 10/4/2015 2:57:47 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
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I can empathize with you as I had a bad experience as well and lost my home in the process. A real mess. Wish I had wised up a LOT sooner. You blame being Catholic or not spiritual enough as why you cannot forgive him...... nope, you are trying to rationalize this situation, make it your fault so you can be the bigger person and take him back. Why.... because you cannot face being alone after 20 years. The unknown is terrifying you.....take it from someone who understands from experience. Leave this louse and dont look back. NO cards, emails, calls nothing and move on..... YOU deserve better. BTW - a truly spiritual person (whatever that is would prolly not allow this to happen to them, spirituality requires growth and that would have led you to walk a long time ago.....just smile and tell him namaste and turn your back and WALK AWAY. Good luck sweetie, let us know what happens.

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Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

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Post #: 46