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Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/15/2015 10:49:44 PM   
CuriousCouple674


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/14/2015
Status: offline 		It's probably been asked before, but is there a general order of whom seeks out whom? And who approaches whom?

Is it generally accepted that the dominant message the subs? or vice verse?

Curious as to whether my partner and I should be waiting for someone who wants a couple, or if we should be messaging everyone and hoping one of them takes interest?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/15/2015 10:53:44 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		Messaging everyone will get you quickly tagged by the automated system as sending too many messages.

It is better to carefully review profiles to find women who are seeking a couple.

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(in reply to CuriousCouple674)
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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/15/2015 11:02:58 PM   
stef


Posts: 10215
Joined: 1/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousCouple674

It's probably been asked before, but is there a general order of whom seeks out whom? And who approaches whom?

No. Whoever wants to approach, approaches.

quote:

Is it generally accepted that the dominant message the subs? or vice verse?

No.



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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/15/2015 11:22:45 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousCouple674

It's probably been asked before, but is there a general order of whom seeks out whom? And who approaches whom?

Is it generally accepted that the dominant message the subs? or vice verse?

Curious as to whether my partner and I should be waiting for someone who wants a couple, or if we should be messaging everyone and hoping one of them takes interest?


There are no rules to life, except the rules of thermodynamics.

(in reply to CuriousCouple674)
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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/16/2015 2:04:40 AM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousCouple674
whom seeks out whom?
And who approaches whom?

Personal pronouns all follow the *same* inviolable rule:

He seeks out him...She seeks out her...who seeks out whom.
He approaches him...She approaches her...who approaches whom.
quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousCouple674
Is it generally accepted that the dominant message the subs? or vice verse?

It's generally accepted that the male customarily "approaches" the female, although Sadie Hawkins would likely beg to differ, especially in the case of couples approaching couples, in which case, I would think it customary (or at least more "comfortable") when the male half of the couple approaches his counterpart (and/or vice versa).
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingreality
Curious as to whether my partner and I should be waiting for someone who wants a couple, or if we should be messaging everyone and hoping one of them takes interest?

In general, if someone wants a couple, it says so in their profile.
Luckily, the "They are Seeking" search selection handles that situation well.
quote:

ORIGINAL: seekingreality
There are no rules to life, except the rules of thermodynamics.

And, the just as inviolably basic rules of grammar ...

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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/16/2015 2:18:02 AM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousCouple674
or if we should be messaging everyone and hoping one of them takes interest?

I belatedly realized that the "everyone" here, may have simply meant "both", as in both the male and the female of any specific couple, as in: "or if we should be messaging [both] and hoping one of them takes interest?"

It's hard to tell what you actually meant (as people have taken "everyone" to mean spamming the world, as I had initially assumed you meant, in the hopes of running into a couple in the process).

Assuming you're simply asking whether it's customary to approach both partners at the same time, or just one, I would think you'd take your lead from them.

That is, if you approach a heterosexual couple here on Collarspace, and the male half answers, then I would continue to converse with the male half until/unless the female half chimes in. Likewise, if you have moved the conversation to email, and if both halves of the couple are not cc'd, I'd stick with whatever contact custom the other party initially offered.

Having said that egalitarian statement, in my experience with couples profile experiments, it's almost always the male half of the other couple who initially queries me (I never respond back because the profile is merely a passive experiment); however, a lot seems to depend on the way the profile is written (i.e., whether it's male-centric or female-centric seems to have an effect on this dynamic).

Maybe I need to run a few more experimental tests though ... so I'd be curious to hear what "real" couples have to say about the rules of the dynamic.

(in reply to CuriousCouple674)
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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/16/2015 5:53:05 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		OK. I looked and y'all seem to be the brand new folks looking for fun at minimum and possibly something more of a poly relationship. Your profile doesn't say a whole heck of a lot about what you're actually looking for so most people are going to assuming that you're just looking for some fun and exploration. You're both bisexual, so I'm guessing that you are just as willing to meet men as women. For people contacting you, expect more men than women to respond to your profile.

If you want interactions with women, you are going to have to do the contacting. Females in your age group, if they aren't into fin kink, have more than enough offers, so they don't have to use the additional time of contacting other people. Frankly, if I were a bisexual woman in my twenties, I wouldn't bother with this place at all. I'd be at the local tng group because I know how much I'd have my pick of anybody who came along.

In your position, I'd do the contacting and I'd do it as a couple. Meaning even the emails you send out to the people you are interested in (don't just email everybody) I'd sign with both names, so people know that you are in this together. You already say you don't know much about the kink scene, so don't go trying to put on airs about it. Just be friendly to people without pressuring. Don't plaster the entire internet and don't contact folks that aren't specifically interested in couples. You'll get more of a response that way.


_____________________________

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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/16/2015 8:27:40 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact



In your position, I'd do the contacting and I'd do it as a couple. Meaning even the emails you send out to the people you are interested in (don't just email everybody) I'd sign with both names, so people know that you are in this together.



From experience, I'm going to say it goes beyond that. The Dominant member of the couple controls what happens. In the case of BDSM, a submissive is literally putting their life into the hands of the Dominant. As a submissive, I want to talk to him. I want to know that he understands safety and that's he's not a freak.

I have learned to not trust how a submissive describes and feels about the Dominant. They look through rose colored glasses.

I was once targeted by a couple where the "Dominant" turned out to be a serial rapist (he's in prison for life) and the submissive was clueless about what he was doing (or who he was). He made her make contact with submissives that he would choose. He specifically targeted the SoCalSubFem room on AOL. Luckily for me, I wasn't interested or looking. Not so lucky for the 8 women he raped.

So, I always tell Unicorns to make sure they talk to Dominant partner to try to figure out if S/he's decent.


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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/16/2015 9:29:10 AM   
CuriousCouple674


Posts: 3
Joined: 10/14/2015
Status: offline 		Wow thanks for all the responses everyone! Seriously it's incredibly helpful to get some legitimate feedback, even if it is learning about who and whom

(in reply to OsideGirl)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/16/2015 9:57:24 AM   
sweetieDA


Posts: 129
Joined: 4/3/2015
Status: offline 		There are literally thousands of couples waiting for a single, and very few singles looking for a couple. If you sit and wait, you'll be waiting forever.

(in reply to CuriousCouple674)
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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/16/2015 10:32:38 AM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: OsideGirl

So, I always tell Unicorns to make sure they talk to Dominant partner to try to figure out if S/he's decent.



I totally agree with this, although I would add that it's important for the third party to get to know both of you equally and independent from each other, after the Dominant partner has been vetted, even if the third party is only going to be in a close relationship with one of you.

I once made the mistake of only really getting to know the Dominant party, and only superficially getting to know the spouse, because my relationship was supposed to be primarily with him, while my relationship with her was going to be a platonic friendship.

Big big big mistake.

_____________________________

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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/16/2015 10:53:42 AM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousCouple674
even if it is learning about who and whom


And unicorns.

If you didn't catch the "unicorn" word, there is an entire thread, somewhere, on what they are (as I didn't know what a unicorn was until I had read the thread).

HINT: You and I both, are NOT unicorns! :)

(in reply to CuriousCouple674)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/17/2015 8:26:27 AM   
slavemali


Posts: 92
Joined: 10/5/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousCouple674

It's probably been asked before, but is there a general order of whom seeks out whom? And who approaches whom?

Is it generally accepted that the dominant message the subs? or vice verse?

Curious as to whether my partner and I should be waiting for someone who wants a couple, or if we should be messaging everyone and hoping one of them takes interest?


Wow what a question.... assuming your looking, you don't have any relationship with anyone anyway. Don't buy into a system of proticols in your communications to others just because your the s in the D/s, relationship your looking for. Hope that helps explain no one here is anything other than a voice on the internet....

(in reply to CuriousCouple674)
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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/17/2015 8:29:32 AM   
slavemali


Posts: 92
Joined: 10/5/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crumpets


quote:

ORIGINAL: CuriousCouple674
even if it is learning about who and whom


And unicorns.

If you didn't catch the "unicorn" word, there is an entire thread, somewhere, on what they are (as I didn't know what a unicorn was until I had read the thread).

HINT: You and I both, are NOT unicorns! :)



Darn Crumpets and I don't have the time to waste looking this up... gee wish you had shared the definition....

(in reply to crumpets)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/17/2015 8:32:27 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Now for the real question. Why is the male squirrel in tighty whities.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to crumpets)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/17/2015 1:37:00 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		http://www.unicorns-r-us.com/
The best intro to unicorn hunting I know of.

But instead of looking online, you do far better to join your local community and make friends.

If all you want is an interchangeable vagina to use, hire a sex worker.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/17/2015 2:29:33 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		I read your profile. You're a cute couple.

But I kept wondering how stable you are. Hear me out, please.

You're so young that you can't have been together long. Your profile says you're new to kink. And I get the feeling that you're brand new to poly as well. I suggest slowing down and not looking right now for full-blown kinky poly. Maybe try a swingers club without adding kink? Maybe go to a spanking or bondage party where you can get casual play?

_____________________________

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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/17/2015 2:50:56 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		DS, except for one minor mention in the profile about how it 'could be' more, I don't think it's that big of a thing.

They come across to me as a young couple that just want to go out and do something fun.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DarkSteven)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/17/2015 4:15:16 PM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
Why is the male squirrel in tighty whities.


Good question!

The illustration shows that the "who" (the subject) is doing something to the "whom" (the object); but, I have to agree that the illustration would have had similar impact without the "tighty whities".

Personally, rather than calculate the Subject:Object relationship, I prefer to use the simpler "Himlich Maneuver" as explained by the Grammar Girl in the youtube video below...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wiy7efyxAE

Would you hypothetically restate the who/whom sentence with either "he" or "him"?

If' the answer is "he", then it's "who"; if it's "him", then it's "whom".
Simple.

The beauty is that all of us already know how to use who:whom, simply because personal pronouns all follow the exact same rules.

< Message edited by crumpets -- 10/17/2015 4:22:35 PM >

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Pertaining to Interactions on Collarspace - 10/17/2015 4:18:52 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		You could have just went for the easy answer, as in, he's covering his nuts.




_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to crumpets)
Profile   Post #: 20
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