RE: I am sensing a mismatch between what women and men want

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RE: I am sensing a mismatch between what women and men ... - 10/27/2015 6:54:43 PM

dreamlady

Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
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quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wanderling

quote:

ORIGINAL: AAkasha
When you play with people (femdommes or findommes whatever) outside your marriage and get that icky feeling after it is over, is it because you are sad or ambivalent that you paid for it or feel like that meant you were actually somehow in charge of it?

Or do you get that icky feeling afterward because the play (while free of cost) was casual and not intimate - no kissing, no cuddling, no emotional connection?

There is no love/sex inside the marriage (hasn't been for more years than I can count on two hands) so, it's not that.
It's just when it feels fake, it is fake.
It doesn't feel real when you pay someone. It is fake.
So it feels fake.

What would be perfect is very hard (impossible?) to find, which is someone in the same situation.
But, that isn't going to happen.

Well, you mentioned your marriage is a non negotiable and perhaps religion is involved, but the first obvious statement is simple - if you are in a sexless AND loveless marriage, get out of it. Is she not your best friend, your soul mate? I see challenges when happy couples have a totally incompatible SEX life, but if you are not happy across the board and neither is she, perhaps ending it is really fair to both of you.
---

Wanderling, I'm not saying any of this to be mean. Think of it as an expression of tough love, by proxy.
Consider this:

-- No matter who you're with or what you do, it will feel fake. Because wherever you go, There. You. Are.

-- Even if you were to find another married woman who is estranged from her husband, who is equally a massive ball of contradictions like yourself, she would still be living as much of a lie as you are. Lies and Deception = Fake

-- Look no further. You are already married to her.

-- You want to experience *realness* when you have nothing of *real* value to offer another. You want what you are unable and/or unwilling to give of yourself. You are living an empty shell of a life, just going through the motions, because you are, in effect, that empty shell. The cowardly lion was also heartless.

-- Religion is a touchy subject, and I mean no disrespect. You know that you are not fooling your omniscient Maker. Do you think that for one nanosecond your sham marriage is not a continuous defilement of your (immortal) soul? What's worse is when you cause others to defile themselves along with you.

-- You aren't miserable because of your devoutness. You aren't keeping up the charade for the sake of your religion. You are doing this so as not to lose the approval of man, of society, and how you perceive where you fit into society. You are worshipping daily at a temple where you have placed other gods before your God.

-- If you think you are staying in your loveless marriage for the your children's sake, you are very wrong. They will grow up to despise you for your hypocrisy.

-- Your conscience knows who you will ultimately have to answer to.

DreamLady

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Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation. ~José Marti

(in reply to AAkasha)

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RE: I am sensing a mismatch between what women and men ... - 10/27/2015 9:21:34 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

This is one of those occasions where I think the best thing for me to do is say that I've read the whole thread. I've had a few thoughts cross my mind, so I'll share them.

If you are talking about CM/CS/whatever as a dating site, I do think some things have become self fulfilling prophecies. It kind of equals out. On the male side, there are people who are hoping to do the relationship thing and others just thought, 'hey, kinky chicks mean easy sex'. On the female side, there are definitely women into fin kink as a kink and others just thought, 'hey, a quick way to make a buck'. I'm not into fin kink, so I have no advice on how to sort one from the other.

I happen to be a married, poly optional, kink optional, best described as a demisexual person. I also happen to be the first person to say that I think single, monogamous people who are looking go for the whole enchilada and that includes the romantic love element to a relationship. (No, not all FLR's have that component.) That's a mismatch right there for you, OP. Yeah, nothing is impossible and all of that but that drop by, serve, play, have sex thing that you're looking for isn't going to match up with someone who wants a full time relationship. You might also be out of luck with poly people because most poly people are going to want to meet the wife to see if she's really cool with it or if you're feeding folks a line.

I want to say a quick thing about the term play. Please remember that not all play to all kink people is going to include sex. In fact, in the last year or so, if I'm going to play (BDSM) the first words of negotiation are now "there will not be any sexual contact". It just makes my life easier. If you are looking for play AND sex, you might want to specify that. There a lot of this that also gets based in the other person's home, so you are adding them hosting to the list as well.

Like everybody else looking for their specific abc, certain xyz factors disqualify them when looking for partners. Everybody has things that make them not match well with all people. You've got a really specific window going on here. Not everybody is going to be willing to try to fit.

There's been a lot on this thread about how you don't feel paying for your kink makes it real for you. To me, this does seem to limit your options. It's not really apparent that you want to make effort either. That puts you in the same boat as thousands of other people who don't want to do either of those things but still want to get laid once a week. Ask any of these women how much of that shows up in their email and count on not liking the answer.

It's probably a good thing that you say you don't NEED the arrangement that you are looking for. I think you have some challenging criteria there.

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(in reply to dreamlady)

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Post #: 42