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Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/24/2015 11:59:46 PM   
angeldmort


Posts: 54
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline 		I read enough to know that all the frustrations I have are shared by almost every dominant woman on here. The "are dommes poor" thread has so many things in it that I've said word for word that it scares me a little and makes me wonder if it's really worth all the hassles of looking for a sub.

Today was yet another 'first meeting' that didn't happen, no show, no call, with a local sub who wrote me an actual letter, seemed intelligent, had a sense of humor, didn't hop into his laundry list of kinks and had actual non-kink interests. We emailed back and forth for the last couple/few weeks about all kinds of things - house renovations, pet fostering, etc. His last email response on Thursday was him saying he would bring the beer my partner likes when he came over. Low pressure, relaxed, friendly, and .... nothing since. Profile is still up, so that's something, I suppose.

This is following a string of them - I started to worry that maybe we are a jinx - one told me his grandmother had died so he was out of range to text, (turns out he was texting a findomme the whole time) etc, the next got stomach flu the morning he was supposed to drive over then had some strange depression and still wants to come play 'when he gets his head right' (had great references, but still) and then the one after that had his truck blow a bearing halfway here (and then his codependent anger issues surfaced during the week following so that went south fast.)

I am at the point now where I'm asking subs who write anything less than a stellar mail to send a donation to my favorite pet rescue before I invest a lot of time talking to them, but that scares almost everyone, even if they are somewhat serious. I've tried talking online to find compatibility. I've tried scheduling a quick first meeting so they don't feel I'm dragging it out. I've tried telling them to come do something useful and show their benefit. I've tried discussing the ways I feel I can improve their life. I have tried discussing long-term interaction, I've tried 'just come play.' I've tried friendly, I've tried cold and cruel and demanding, I've tried casual and detached, I've tried warm and playful. I've tried being understanding, firm, 'you're out!' and just telling them to go away when they chicken out.

We started into all this over 6 years ago, and have only had one person show up off the web. The local munch has earned a reputation for being really cliquish, and we haven't found much luck there either so we only go when we have someone to hang out with.

What do you do that works to get a sub to show up when they say they will? What do you do to sort out the time wasters quickly? I'm about burnt out here.

< Message edited by angeldmort -- 10/25/2015 12:00:27 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/25/2015 12:36:59 AM   
CarpeComa


Posts: 194
Joined: 5/12/2010
Status: offline 		From a disinterested observer:

First, a bit of credit to you for the use of a charity instead of a personal 'donation'.

I will point out that you are already in a relationship with a dominant man and it is one that you are either unwilling or unable to keep separate from the one you are seeking. Many submissives will view that setup negatively. You might have better luck if you set up a couples profile instead as that seems to be closer to the reality of the situation.

In addition, your profile is just a list of demands and complaints. There is scarcely anything about you as a person in it which is likely to decrease the interest of the more serious sort. My experience with profiles is that they are usually reflective of the personality and approach of the writer. It might behoove you to review your recent correspondence with a critical eye. Do you complain a lot? That can drive people away.

Finally, the number of people that have reported difficulty in finding anyone that is both compatible and serious are legion. Dating sites (CS included) are intentionally poorly designed for actually meeting people. You might be able to take heart in that its not a domme problem, its an everybody problem.

< Message edited by CarpeComa -- 10/25/2015 12:43:51 AM >

(in reply to angeldmort)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/25/2015 12:55:55 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline 		I try not to invest too much of myself and my time before a first meetup. I toss out that "let's meet up for coffee" by the first or second brief letter. Either they will try to talk me into a specific meetup date or they won't.

I've only been stood up once (in the past 12 years), when I was with one long term partner and was looking for someone fun to top from time to time. He had our cell phone number, knew the name of the restaurant we were waiting at to meet him...and I can't remember what excuse he gave for not showing up. It made me lose interest in him and I moved on. (Found a nice heavy bottom within a few weeks afterward.)

Searching can be aggravating. I don't know about you but I need to go on hiatus from time to time. These sites are a gateway for many newbies, people who often have a lot of issues at first, many misconceptions, and I'm sure many have a lot of "What the heck am I about to do!" moments when they go poof to do a sanity check. The guys you described didn't sound like they were one handed typing, but you never know.

Try not to let them wind you up (I wish I could always take my own advice...).

(in reply to angeldmort)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/25/2015 1:20:44 AM   
dreamlady


Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CarpeComa

From a disinterested observer:

First, a bit of credit to you for the use of a charity instead of a personal 'donation'.

I will point out that you are already in a relationship with a dominant man and it is one that you are either unwilling or unable to keep separate from the one you are seeking. Many submissives will view that setup negatively. You might have better luck if you set up a couples profile instead as that seems to be closer to the reality of the situation.

In addition, your profile is just a list of demands and complaints. . . .


To the OP, please don't take this the wrong way, but you are attracting just one particular type of BDSM bottom, of a hetero-flexible bent.
Even if a sub were to filter his way through your many requirements, newbie subs in general get cold feet easily when face to face with the prospect of encountering a sadistic Mistress, and this can outweigh their conflicting state of sub feverishness.
Not only that, but you are not promising play to a masochistic bottom without your Dominant partner being present, so a couples profile is definitely called for.

If I may: "I am in a long term committed relationship with [redacted] and neither of us play with anyone else unless the other is there involved. If you are writing me, I'll assume you are interested in him as well."

I don't say this to rest upon my laurels - because this could change any day now - but I have never been stood up. Not once. Not on a vanilla date either. Things may not pan out sexual chemistry-wise, there may never be a second meeting, but whomever I have on my radar at the time knows that I am into him and that he won't be expected to play second fiddle. Now, that isn't really the issue because many male subs aren't expecting an exclusive relationship, so this isn't what's scaring those subs off. Instead, they're hedging their bets with as many other Dommes as they can interest, and any who are into cuckolding won't fit into your particular triangulated dynamic as either the primary cuckolded partner or as your bull slave.

Plus, your couple's boundaries are unclear other than you and your Dom partner be present together and that you are willing to share him for play -- which basically could mean just about anything goes, as a couple. Forget about even attracting a bisexual female sub -- it's hard enough for unicorn-hunters with much, much more to offer a third.

Then, you have to take into account that a good number of exchanges are with Horny Net Geek keyboard warriors who have no intention of ever taking things off line. You are one of their many diversions at getting their daily on-line fix.

DreamLady

(in reply to CarpeComa)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/25/2015 5:45:44 AM   
Wanderling


Posts: 39
Joined: 10/14/2015
Status: offline 		People often have second thoughts about meeting up with others, and, some people just play games.

(in reply to dreamlady)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/25/2015 6:28:17 AM   
zombiegurlsos


Posts: 434
Joined: 10/17/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angeldmort

I read enough to know that all the frustrations I have are shared by almost every dominant woman on here. The "are dommes poor" thread has so many things in it that I've said word for word that it scares me a little and makes me wonder if it's really worth all the hassles of looking for a sub.



If your a financial Dominant and can't insist and or require a no show fee be paid (before the meet) to say Paypal, suggests you could do well with a business 101 course. If your not engaged in prostitution than you have no real fear... of the fee for your escort or sexual therapy coming back to haunt you...


_____________________________

would of preferred to be known as the singer formerly known as prince, but that tagline was grabbed already

(in reply to angeldmort)
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RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/25/2015 11:31:53 AM   
dreamlady


Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Wanderling

People often have second thoughts about meeting up with others, and, some people just play games.

^Yeah, what he said.^

Good condensation.

DreamLady

(in reply to Wanderling)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/25/2015 8:18:24 PM   
angeldmort


Posts: 54
Joined: 4/19/2009
Status: offline 		I'm not a findomme - it scares me to hear everyone else saying the same things I've said - it means there's almost no hope.

It's not a lack of people writing. It's a problem of people who have written, been found worth a reply, spent hours writing back and forth, spent hours in yahoo chat discussing what they want and what they have to give, deciding they want what I have to offer enough to give what I require in return, setting a date and a place, making a commitment to meet and then without any word changing their mind. I don't get investing all that time only to cop out. I don't get spending all that time talking to someone and learning about them and then suddenly deciding they aren't worth a little honesty. And I SURE as hell can't understand bitching about how they haven't had a special someone or had play time in X long only to chicken out when it's within reach! The one was only coming out for a meeting to see if he was a good playmate, getting all the stuff he listed out wanting.


(in reply to dreamlady)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/28/2015 6:58:48 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I only meet up with people if it fits in with my plans, there are far too many time wasters out there.

Have you considered going to events? You meet people face to face first, you could also let them know that you will be there and they can come and introduce themselves, if they aren't willing to do that, well, too bad for them.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to angeldmort)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/28/2015 10:11:56 AM   
LuminousFire


Posts: 50
Joined: 10/19/2015
Status: offline 		Fin Domme any women and men no matter the sites (or adverts) – the problem for the no shows. They are not who and what they say – I have explained the they many times. I am not going to do so again.

It excites them, another person and fantasy they probably knocked a few out writing and imagining it. Pet charity a good idea. Why, I myself are the patron of the cats eat me out of house and home, muffin and cheap Chardonnay charity a voidless money pit filled with empty bottles and hopes and dreams

The problem is most of these people are spoken for and cannot sneak away, or cannot justify how they came to lose 100 dollars or whatever the going rate is these days (mines is 100 muffins) or explain away credit card bills for purple velvet capes bespoke corsetry

The odd real person will change his mine but statistically these are few, higher if its fin dome (shouldn’t be higher than 10%) but nowhere near the 95% plus you are most l likely running at

And charge a deposit ffs its not for me to solve fin dommes anywhere woes. And their-in in lies the problem of your profile i cannot work out if you are online fin dommes and looking for some spice in your relationship

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/28/2015 10:23:57 AM   
spellslave


Posts: 246
Joined: 7/16/2015
From: England
Status: offline 		I have had the problem of no-shows in the context of freelance modelling. Most photographers complain of models not showing up or flaking on them, but I have encountered more of the opposite. It is just a matter of gritting your teeth, and trying again. I have applied to maybe 60 casting calls as an example. 50 got to the discussion stage. Only 20 have actually gone ahead, and even then, some of those took re-arranging after it was cancelled on the camera end of things. But I keep applying. And so should you keep looking.

_____________________________

Fetlife: spellslave

(in reply to LuminousFire)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/28/2015 10:41:27 AM   
sexyred1


Posts: 8998
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angeldmort

I'm not a findomme - it scares me to hear everyone else saying the same things I've said - it means there's almost no hope.

It's not a lack of people writing. It's a problem of people who have written, been found worth a reply, spent hours writing back and forth, spent hours in yahoo chat discussing what they want and what they have to give, deciding they want what I have to offer enough to give what I require in return, setting a date and a place, making a commitment to meet and then without any word changing their mind. I don't get investing all that time only to cop out. I don't get spending all that time talking to someone and learning about them and then suddenly deciding they aren't worth a little honesty. And I SURE as hell can't understand bitching about how they haven't had a special someone or had play time in X long only to chicken out when it's within reach! The one was only coming out for a meeting to see if he was a good playmate, getting all the stuff he listed out wanting.




The problem is that you spent hours on this.

Like Dreamlady, I've never been stood up precisely because I don't spend hours writing, chatting or on the phone.

If there seems to be interest on both sides, I have a short phone conversation and meet them somewhere public soon after.

It might seem ironic to you, but people build up fantasies in their minds and develop high expectations the longer it takes to meet.

In addition, people who are not that serious, may lose their nerve or had no intention of ever meeting. Their needs were satisfied just by chatting with you.

A guy once told me he never meets anyone online, just plays with people. He said he didn't feel that he owed "pixels on a screen" any explantation of why he stood them up.

A douche move, but there you have it.

(in reply to angeldmort)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/28/2015 10:46:27 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Many dommes find it easier to tell any prospectives that they are attending the munch on Thursday and he's welcome to show and say hi. Doing it this way means if he doesn't show, you are still seeing people and having a good time. His absence won't upset you.

But if you want people to respond to you as a person, then your profile has to reflect who you are as a person. Give them a topic of conversation other than their fetishes.

Yours doesn't. In fact, it's the most negative profile I've seen in a long time. Quality people want to spend time with happy people. Judging by your profile, you're anything but that.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 10/28/2015 10:50:48 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to sexyred1)
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RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/28/2015 11:28:24 AM   
LuminousFire


Posts: 50
Joined: 10/19/2015
Status: offline 		Less than 0.05% of these places ever attend a munch so that is pretty bad advice. Granted should he attend it shows value.

pixie girl yes it is the opposite would it kill any of you to charge a basic fee for time wasted or a charity as someone else said on another thread.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/28/2015 2:22:36 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuminousFire

Less than 0.05% of these places ever attend a munch so that is pretty bad advice. Granted should he attend it shows value.

pixie girl yes it is the opposite would it kill any of you to charge a basic fee for time wasted or a charity as someone else said on another thread.



Well if they don't, great, a few time wasters out straight away, if he can't make the effort, that tells me all I need to know

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to LuminousFire)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/28/2015 5:03:25 PM   
dreamlady


Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
I only meet up with people if it fits in with my plans, there are far too many time wasters out there.

Have you considered going to events? You meet people face to face first, you could also let them know that you will be there and they can come and introduce themselves, if they aren't willing to do that, well, too bad for them.

This is also what I meant to suggest, along with what DesFIP posted. But, as LuminousFire mentioned (if I may paraphrase), there are those who are not into the BDSM community lifestyle or not particularly socially adventurous to plunge right into attending a BDSM event or show up unaccompanied to a fetish party, so I would stick to a local munch which is socially neutral ground on which to meet in a no/low-pressure setting, other than a public vanilla event (county fair, local music festival).

If the sub turns out to be a no-show, then his/her loss -- there are plenty more fish in the sea, and you both as a couple might meet a few interesting possibilities within that group gathering, or else you still end up having a pleasant time together regardless. If possible, set up meetings with more than one sub at a time at the same venue. Make introductions, and while you spend one-on-one time with each sub, your partner can chat with the other, then alternate. This will hopefully give you the opportunity to make a good impression on them to see how you both interact as a couple.

You can look at it like this: Better to weed out the flakes from the starting gate. If you are going to insist on meeting these on-line subs by yourself initially, have them know in advance that you will be expecting them to show up at the pre-arranged meeting place, to call or text you when they get there and then to send you a cell pic of them seated at the table in advance, somewhere you can get to within 15-20 minutes. If they're unwilling to go to this effort, start coming up with excuses, or can't follow simple instructions (as in following through on reasonably doable requests), then you'll know it isn't worth your trouble sooner than later.

DreamLady

_____________________________

Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation. ~José Marti

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
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RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/28/2015 6:29:24 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		The best way to deal with no-shows is to agree to meet that person somewhere where you are going to be anyway. That way if they show up fine. If they don't show up it didn't waste a minute of your time. The place could be McDonald's if you like to eat there, or a coffee shop where you go regularly, or even your local bar.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to angeldmort)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/29/2015 3:36:18 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

The best way to deal with no-shows is to agree to meet that person somewhere where you are going to be anyway. That way if they show up fine. If they don't show up it didn't waste a minute of your time. The place could be McDonald's if you like to eat there, or a coffee shop where you go regularly, or even your local bar.



After somebody tried to kiss my feet and basically made a spectacle out of himself at a place I used to frequent, I tend to not have first meet-ups in places where they know me. Never underestimate how some people behave (or not behave) in public.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/29/2015 4:28:56 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint
The best way to deal with no-shows is to agree to meet that person somewhere where you are going to be anyway. That way if they show up fine. If they don't show up it didn't waste a minute of your time. The place could be McDonald's if you like to eat there, or a coffee shop where you go regularly, or even your local bar.



After somebody tried to kiss my feet and basically made a spectacle out of himself at a place I used to frequent, I tend to not have first meet-ups in places where they know me. Never underestimate how some people behave (or not behave) in public.

Actually, I have to say the above is still my method. Granted, I'm a lot more funky about this than I used to be. However, all of the people that I currently play with now are folks who contacted me first and were willing to meet at various events in the area or had some other type of prior contact.

With all due respect to those mentioning that newbies get cold feet, while I agree with you that you are correct, my stipulation is that if you can't meet/play in public, you can't play with me. There are plenty of non-pressure events in this town and if you can't hang with the low-key events like demos, variety nights, game night, discussion groups, or attend some vanilla thing that already interests me anyway, I'm not going to baby someone through it. Work through your hesitancy issues on your own. In the meantime, I'll be the chick playing with someone else over there.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to LadyConstanze)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Seeking advice on the No-Show problem - 10/29/2015 5:12:43 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		In my case it was a local bistro/cafe and it was just so uncalled for, so it will be somewhere where it's convenient for me but I'm not a regular, or they come to a munch or event.

If they have issues, those are THEIR issues and if they can't overcome them, I really have the time to deal with their other issues. Might sound selfish, but I'm not the one looking and I am not going to get out of my way to meet somebody who might or might not show up.

_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 20
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