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Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 8:42:43 AM   
Verbivore


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/16/2015
Status: offline 		Though I am fairly comfortable in my dominant personality, every few months (or so) I have this strange crisis where I suddenly get it into my head that I'm not "feminine" enough and that I should be trying to figure out how to enjoy sex like a "normal" woman would. In reality I'm a good mix of masculine and feminine traits, I lean very heavily towards being the top in the bedroom but I guess I can't shake the societal expectation that I should enjoy being sexually touched and penetrated (I don't mind it, but it's never the earth quaking orgasmic experience other women supposedly experience). I guess I see all these other ladies (Dom, sub and vanilla) having a fantastic time and I want some of that experience for myself, but it so far hasn't been obtainable. I know part of the problem is my over active mind (hard to relax and enjoy when you never stop thinking) and another part of the problem is over the years I've had very few good sexual encounters so I've come to associate sex with something I'd rather avoid (massages, yoga or reading I find to be overall more pleasurable). I know some might say "Well you're dominant, just make him do it the way you like" but it's genuinely not that easy as despite my best efforts to describe the process of getting me "hot and heavy" I've yet to encounter a man who understood where I was coming from and had the confidence to be proactive about it.

Anyway, I'm hoping to find some advice or at least a "you're not alone". Sorry for the over use of parenthesis, but I wanted to try and make things as clear as possible within this rather hobbled written medium.
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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 10:20:02 AM   
MistressMarie50


Posts: 11
Joined: 9/23/2015
Status: offline 		Maybe it would be helpful to describe here what you want. Then perhaps we could help you to present it better so your prospective partner gets it.

quote:

I know some might say "Well you're dominant, just make him do it the way you like" but it's genuinely not that easy as despite my best efforts to describe the process of getting me "hot and heavy" I've yet to encounter a man who understood where I was coming from and had the confidence to be proactive about it.


So what is it that you're looking for in a partner? I totally get what you're saying you don't necessarily want, i.e. you aren't wowed by traditional penetrative sex, but what would wow you?

Marie

(in reply to Verbivore)
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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 10:25:27 AM   
OsideGirl


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From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Verbivore

I should be trying to figure out how to enjoy sex like a "normal" woman would.


Environmental red tapes are very hard to undo. They're drilled into us from childhood. I would suggest focusing just one of those tapes at a time. Break that tape, take note of how you feel, dissect the guilt. Eventually, it becomes easier and you get to a point where you can focus on your happiness rather than what society thinks should make you happy.


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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 11:21:32 AM   
Kreychec


Posts: 50
Joined: 10/30/2015
Status: offline 		Never heard of over socialization stemming into the bedroom. Dismiss your preconceived idea's of how a woman should or shouldn't have sex. Why should others views on whats normal get in the way of your own pleasure.
&
If all else fails & you're still duplicit about whether you want to fuck or be fucked just do both.
Finding someone that knows what theyre doing is a +.
Deuces.
Edit: In reply to verb, not ^.

< Message edited by Kreychec -- 11/1/2015 11:24:12 AM >

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 11:30:39 AM   
Verbivore


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/16/2015
Status: offline 		@MisstressMarie, I have explained it to my partners in every way I possibly can. I'm not sure trying to write it down here would help much, as I don't think it's a problem with how I'm phrasing it, more an issue of two people with conflicting socializations trying to make the other happy. I mean, there's not many ways to say "stop rushing towards my naughty bits like it's a race" LOL.

@Osidegirl, good advice and I agree focusing on one thing at a time is the best way to go about it. My only issue there is detangling one thread from the mess :)

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 11:44:45 AM   
LadyConstanze


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Status: offline 		You know it's easy to say, but rather than trying to conform to something you think you should be, just accept the way you tick.

If it helps, it took me years to come to terms with being a sadist, I always had that conflict of thinking that causing pain is "bad" and "not feminine"

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Those who do and those who don't!

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 3:05:10 PM   
Verbivore


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/16/2015
Status: offline 		It is certainly easier to say than do. I did struggle for years with my dominance, this is kind of the final frontier (so to speak) of my sexuality and the part that's always bothered me the most. Not necessarily because I myself have a problem with it, but it's caused problems in my relationships and I've been called every name in the book, simply because I get more out of doing things to others and couldn't care less if I get anything in return.

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 8:32:04 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If you don't orgasm from PIV, that's pretty common. About one third of women don't.
What's important is that you can identify what you do need and communicate it clearly in order to find someone who is on the same page.

As far as feeling guilty goes, where does that come from? Who taught it to you? And do you follow what they say on everything else in your life?

What we're talking about are attitudes learned when very young. And those simplistic rules were appropriate to teach at that age. The problem is no one ever comes back and says "remember what I said ten years ago that good girls don't? Well that's not true of good girls your age, only of those the age you were.".




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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 8:38:49 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		Verbivore, I encourage you to keep exploring your sexuality until you find that earth shattering orgasm. Actually the interesting thing about earth shattering orgasms is that, it's more about mental psyching, than any physical action. So it could be anything or any way. There is no said typical way of achieving it. I myself cannot cum from penetration at all. But I can cum earth shatteringly from side boob stimulation. Now if nobody explored that side of my body thoroughly, I would never know. You see what I mean? I have a girlfriend who was married for 27 years, got a divorced, never experience earth shattering orgasms, until she met this guy who just nuzzled just the right spot behind her neck, and she cummed like crazy, first time in her life. She felt she nearly blank out.

The problem is when a woman can't get it through traditional way, then it becomes more challenging to discover what that way is.

It has to be something that triggers your brain.

It's like how some women can cum from giving blowjobs. That is totally a mental thing.





< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/1/2015 8:41:00 PM >

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 8:39:40 PM   
Verbivore


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/16/2015
Status: offline 		I *can* orgasm from regular PIV, it's getting me all that interested in being penetrated that's more difficult. Very good point on the "no one comes back to correct the simplistic childhood lessons" bit, it's definitely gotten some cogs whirring. I think perhaps I haven't been looking back quite far enough for the answers I'm looking for. Thanks for that

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 8:43:06 PM   
Greta75


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Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Verbivore
simply because I get more out of doing things to others and couldn't care less if I get anything in return.

This cause you problems? OMG, I need to hook you up! I know men who would love you to death for being this!
Especially if you are dominant, submissive men, even vanilla-ish submissive men who haven't realise they are submissive. They would worship you.

You have to be very clear with your future sexual partners that this is precisely what you enjoy, so you will attract exactly the kind of men who'd die to be with someone like you.


< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/1/2015 8:45:25 PM >

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 8:45:28 PM   
Verbivore


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/16/2015
Status: offline 		I do believe a big main issue is communicating to guys just how cerebral sex really is for me. Also the importance of exploring different body parts and different styles of touching. And it's not like I don't ever bring it up, I certainly do. But for whatever reason I can talk about it till I'm blue in the face but there's little to no change on their end. Of course since the only common denominator is me, I'm left trying to figure out how to modify the way I'm communicating till I find a way that works.

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 8:47:29 PM   
Greta75


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Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Verbivore

I do believe a big main issue is communicating to guys just how cerebral sex really is for me. Also the importance of exploring different body parts and different styles of touching. And it's not like I don't ever bring it up, I certainly do. But for whatever reason I can talk about it till I'm blue in the face but there's little to no change on their end. Of course since the only common denominator is me, I'm left trying to figure out how to modify the way I'm communicating till I find a way that works.

Yea, I don't know how you are communicating. Communication is the problem, as if you can't convey exactly what you want, you can't attract people who will give you exactly what you want.

I'm a woman who wants liquidless sex. No liquid exchange, means, no oral, even frenching is considered oral to me, and alot of men are turn off by it, but also, then I meet those who absolutely is into the same thing as me and we mesh.

I would say, what I want is very unusual but I still find it. You got be very firm and send out the right messages on exactly what you want. And keep holding up for it and don't compromise. It works for me.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/1/2015 8:48:38 PM >

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 8:48:37 PM   
Verbivore


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/16/2015
Status: offline

quote:


This cause you problems? OMG, I need to hook you up! I know men who would love you to death for being this!
Especially if you are dominant, submissive men, even vanilla-ish submissive men who haven't realise they are submissive. They would worship you.



I've honestly never found this to be the case, they always want to "please" me physically in some way. And I'm not against it, but it's rarely fireworks and passion on my end.

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 8:50:16 PM   
Greta75


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Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Verbivore
I've honestly never found this to be the case, they always want to "please" me physically in some way. And I'm not against it, but it's rarely fireworks and passion on my end.

I would tell that man that my pleasure is in doing stuffs to him so stop giving me bullshit that he wanna please me, if he genuinely from the bottom in his heart wanna please me, then let me do what I want to do to him.

That's it. Don't entertain their bullshit. It pleases you to do stuffs to them. So if they wanna please you, it means they must allow you to do stuffs to them without them wanting to do stuffs to you in return, because this is what pleases you. Be very crystal clear.

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 8:57:13 PM   
Verbivore


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/16/2015
Status: offline 		If I didn't want to have more enjoyable sexual experiences myself that would be excellent advice. I'll never stop being toppy, but I also don't want to give up on the possibility of mind shattering sex just yet

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 9:00:11 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		But I gotta say, I stay far away from submissive men, because every submissive men I know who tried to engage me in sexual interaction likes to say, they wanna please and service me, and give me pleasure, but keeps arguing with me about what gives me pleasure.

Like being liquidless sex, is usually a horrible thing for them, as that means, everything they know about pleasuring a woman has been thrown into a bin. Can't use their mouth or tongue AT ALL.

And I would call their BS that they care about my pleasure at all. Fact is, they derive pleasure from oral servicing, so it's not at all about me, but 100% about them.

I don't even have such problems with dominants, because many are okay with no oral bits. Especially those who think giving oral is submissive. They are perfect for me.


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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 9:02:18 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Verbivore

If I didn't want to have more enjoyable sexual experiences myself that would be excellent advice. I'll never stop being toppy, but I also don't want to give up on the possibility of mind shattering sex just yet


The problem is creativity of a submissive, as you are dominant, and they might rely on following your directions on what pleases you.

So might have to open yourself up to all different kind of experiences to find that shattering sex. As it could be anything. It is probably something you never imagined. Because if you thought about it already, it would have already happened.

And you have consider that everything you are doing now is not leading to that at all. So that might need to be scraped unless you are happy just experiencing things at this level over and over again.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/1/2015 9:04:29 PM >

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 9:09:51 PM   
Verbivore


Posts: 12
Joined: 9/16/2015
Status: offline 		"Because if you thought about it already, it would have already happened." Haha, touche!

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RE: Deprogramming from societal expectations - 11/1/2015 9:14:54 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Verbivore

"Because if you thought about it already, it would have already happened." Haha, touche!


I am saying that in a very matter of fact tone :)

I think a woman's body is incredible and the vast things that can elicit pleasure is just endless. Not many men have the creativity to explore every niche and nook of it too.

But if you say you get more pleasure from massage, you might also want to consider men who loves sensual touching. And are happy spending hours stroking you everywhere to explore reactions at every part of your body.

And if you enjoy doing things to other and eliciting responses from others, maybe your key shattering orgasms could be in that direction too. It doesn't have to them doing stuffs to you, it could be you doing stuffs to them and manipulating their bodies to a point where it triggers an explosion in your brain.

Seriously no fixed way. But need to explore boundaries thoroughly.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 11/1/2015 9:17:16 PM >

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