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When you were a beginner - 11/15/2015 12:22:50 PM   
angelikaJ


Posts: 8641
Joined: 6/22/2007
Status: offline 		what do you wish you had known?

My formal introduction to WIITWD was here.

When I was new here, it never occurred to me that many messages were copy and pasted.
I answered every one and everyone.

So knowing that would have been useful.


Too, I hadn't had much dating experience; most of my relationships were fairly long term. Very few were under 12 months, so while the advice to fall back on my previous dating experience is useful, it would not have helped me much.

What would have been useful to know for you personally?

_____________________________

The original home of the caffeinated psychotic hair pixies.
(as deemed by He who owns me)

http://www.collarchat.com/m_3234821/tm.htm

30 fluffy points!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQjuCQd01sg
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/15/2015 12:38:48 PM   
HAK1M


Posts: 172
Joined: 11/2/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

what do you wish you had known?

My formal introduction to WIITWD was here.

When I was new here, it never occurred to me that many messages were copy and pasted.
I answered every one and everyone.

So knowing that would have been useful.


Too, I hadn't had much dating experience; most of my relationships were fairly long term. Very few were under 12 months, so while the advice to fall back on my previous dating experience is useful, it would not have helped me much.

What would have been useful to know for you personally?

what I wish I had not known is you, you, you and also you.

< Message edited by HAK1M -- 11/15/2015 12:40:19 PM >

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/15/2015 12:57:57 PM   
WickedsDesire


Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline 		I am an expanse of time and knowledge beyond your understanding.

But if I copied and pasted 100 message prey tell us feeble one how many genuine souls would the number initial meet.

(in reply to HAK1M)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/15/2015 1:47:56 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		My informal introduction to BDSM was "slap & tickle" (light sexually stimulating BDSM) with a wild girl that published a swingers magazine. My formal introduction to leather culture and society was in my early teens with the leathermen crowd. Obviously I was bisexual in my teens. I grew to be hetro by educated preference.

I learned to be free of moral self judgement by reading the Marquis de Sade's philosophies. Not his erotic fiction but things like Letters From Prison. I learned human morals were very flexible. Social and personal morals were influenced by environment or region, not by some natural inner compass. Often morals are externally induced by religious edict. On this planet not long ago, depending on your region, it was OK to hunt and eat humans, enslave people and rape them, torture and a plethora of heinous crimes that would be deplorable in another place or another time. So I learned to accept and explore my own sexual sadism at a very young age. BDSM was a good fit for me.

What would have been useful is if I had extended that same flexible outlook to the traditions and protocols that were ingrained in me by the leathermen. I should have taken all that shit with a grain of salt. But everyone was so full of testosterone, so handsome, well dressed, so very leathery and full of protocols . . . and I was so young and impressionable, it imprinted me. So now when the TNGs come along saying our history, protocols, labels and categories are meaningless, it rubs me the wrong way. Then the 50 Shades of Grey tourists invaded the local NLA. The NLA "committee leadership" had a meeting and said we should open our arms and spend our time teaching these 50 Shades tourists and outsiders. I mentioned that they will all disappear in a few months and it would be a waste of my time, that I would be insulted if forced to support an open my arms policy that spent its time teaching horny snerts . . . I quite the National Leather Association that day as did an older 'old guard' style slave that left in tears.

Consequently, I haven't been very involved in my local community since. So if I had been more flexible and as accepting of others as I was myself, I might not be so set in ways and missing part of the community. Somehow, I just can't seem to see them as leather as I know it. Wish I had taken it all with a grain of salt in my youth.

_____________________________

-=BDSM Book List=- Reading is Fundamental !!!
I give good thread.

(in reply to WickedsDesire)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/15/2015 2:10:13 PM   
Kaliko


Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline 		When I started out here on CollarWhateverItIs? I wish I had known that people here really aren't all that. (Yeah, myself included, since I guess I'm a fairly regular poster.) Experience doesn't necessarily mean that someone views something the way I do, so listening to advice here when I was new? Eh...I wish I had more confidence in myself when I would think - well, that doesn't sound at all like what I'm looking for. On the flipside, I suppose there's no way to really gain that confidence without experiences of my own.

When I started out in the real world? I don't know. I think my progression to this point kind of makes good sense - a bit of experimentation, decent and kind partners even if it didn't ultimately work out, being open-minded to what turns me on and allowing myself to follow those paths - again, even if they ultimately didn't stick. I guess I would say that I wish I knew that it was okay not to define myself right away; that my interests could be fluid for as long as I needed or wanted them to be, and that didn't mean I was flaky or any less submissive.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/15/2015 2:20:30 PM   
HAK1M


Posts: 172
Joined: 11/2/2015
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedsDesire

I am an expanse of time and knowledge beyond your understanding.

But if I copied and pasted 100 message prey tell us feeble one how many genuine souls would the number initial meet.


you are actually a copy of an expanse of ignorance in my past. do you use punctuation marks in your expanse?. in other words ( I have absolutely NO idea what you just said )

(in reply to WickedsDesire)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/15/2015 2:26:51 PM   
DaBotz


Posts: 216
Joined: 3/26/2013
From: Italy - Spain
Status: offline 		What had I wished to know when I started?

I haven't ended starting, yet, but let's see.

First: being a sexual sadist doesn't automatically make one a monster, or a monster in the making.

Second: few and far apart, but truly madochist women do exist. Some may find well even with a sadist of my girth ( pun intended).

Third: dogmatic feminists and control freaks may be vocal, but are just a [not so little as I wish] part of womankind.

Ok, it is very basic stuff, I know, but nobe of it was written anywhere in the environment I grew up in.

I found it out only through internet, and the credibility of internet infirmation being what it is, it took me years to start really getting it.


_____________________________

"Once upon a time, I was much older than today."

(in reply to ResidentSadist)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/15/2015 4:16:52 PM   
HoneyBears


Posts: 337
Joined: 11/5/2013
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I wish I had known quite the opposite of what DaBotz described, that I did not have to be masochistic or sadistic, or even a fetishist to be able to enjoy my kinky desires.

It is not all or nothing at all. No offense RS, but there are a million more shades of grey than the eye and the rest of the senses can behold. Forget the greys--a bright prism of every color shade imaginable, joy resplendent.

I wish I had known that there was nothing wrong with me as a man to want to be submissive to a woman, that I did not have to want to please EVERY WOMAN in EVERY WAY in order to be accepted as a submissive male once I came to terms with myself.

I wish I had been true to myself more than a decade before I finally could. Two decades. Damn.
I wish I had known the kind of ineffable love that I have been blessed to know down to the very fiber of my being for going on five years now.

-- Lisa's Cub

(Edited for typo)

< Message edited by HoneyBears -- 11/15/2015 4:28:12 PM >

_____________________________

"The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."-- J.G. Holland

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/15/2015 5:04:52 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		The tagline under my name is correct. I did this the wrong way, well before I knew that what I did would be considered perverted.
So, when I was first becoming sexually aware I wish I had not been introduced to this via old crime magazines, bondage magazines, and bodice ripper books where the woman was held captive and learned she liked it.
I would choose to have the option of living a vanilla life.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/15/2015 8:01:37 PM   
littleclip


Posts: 869
Joined: 5/31/2012
Status: offline 		when I got started I wish I had known more folks or recourses munches and big events to see and learn and explore.

_____________________________

currently owned by LadyAthena15805
i will always come to the call of those i love


(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/17/2015 1:20:17 AM   
Mercurinomicon


Posts: 7
Joined: 8/5/2015
Status: offline 		I wish I had known to wait for a dom worth my time, and what that entailed. ;)


quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

what do you wish you had known?

What would have been useful to know for you personally?


(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/17/2015 3:08:47 AM   
Bunnicula


Posts: 420
Joined: 4/7/2014
Status: offline 		I wish I'd known there are no rules to this 'lifestyle' - it's all about negotiation.

Thankfully I learned it fairly quickly and escaped relatively unscathed.

_____________________________

"You are THE MAN!!" - some_random_internet_asshole
"You're not a very nice bunny" - some_random_internet_asshole's_sock


Wanna chocolate raisin?

Previously known as 'myotherself' or simply 'da bunny'

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/17/2015 3:28:37 AM   
CynthiaWVirginia


Posts: 1915
Joined: 2/28/2010
From: West Virginia, USA
Status: offline 		What would have been useful...would have been a real honest to God dungeon where there were newbie classes like I've read about in other states.

Anything would have been better than being dumped at several BDSM sites' chatrooms to either sink or swim. I was all on my own, not understanding all the neurochemicals that were almost knocking me off my chair on a regular basis. Frenzy, drop, subspace even...I experienced them all without knowing what they were called and had no way to look them up.

It was like being on a wild rollercoaster ride from Hell, and numerous times I wanted to get the heck off (and leave this site!) but I just...couldn't.

During my first two years here I expected to die at any time, because the final two chemos I'd been having didn't work and I was on the "wait and see" list. (The first, second, and third had been Vincristine, Cytoxan, Prednisone, and Rituxan, and the forth had been Fludarabine.) Cancer brought so much drama into my life that I didn't know for sure if I was "overreacting" and I felt like I was the only one having problems with controlling my emotions.

Eventually I was told about The Loving Dominant, but I had no clue how to get my hands on it for the first two or three years. I TRIED! LOL, I went to the book store at our mall and muttered something to a male employee. He told me they don't carry THOSE TYPES of books. That's also what made me not think to check Amazon.com or eBay, lol. Eventually I went to a consignment bookstore and waited till everyone in the store was gone and I asked the (female) owner about any BDSM books. She said she didn't keep them in the store but sold them on eBay. Holy cow! I asked her did she have any and she told me yes, she'd been preparing to list them on eBay and would sell them to me for the same price she'd expect to get for them online and I said yes. We met in some parking lot, I handed over $60 and took the brown bagged books home...and went aargh! They were BDSM romance books/women's porn, and not the educational type BDSM books I had hoped for. After that, I saved up my money again and got a few books from eBay and Amazon, the titles that others had recommended.

It would be nice if newbies were found and shown the basics...before others start trying to take advantage. I hate to say it, but when I was flying high my common sense went out the window. My emotions told me I had landed in a whole new world and didn't know the rules. There were times when I needed to "hear" someone telling another person off (usually some HNG troll) and letting them know they needed to back away from the keyboard...because it helped me to see that if I dared to open my mouth and let others know what was going on I'd be getting the same advice.

As a newbie, there were times when I was so "drunk" that I couldn't figure this out for myself, that I needed to turn off my computer and go watch tv or read a book.

Now I know how to "hold my liquor", so to speak. Thank goodness. (Unless my brain goes into hungry shark mode then all bets are off; I have to go offline for a few days to become a reasonable person again.)

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/18/2015 1:04:23 AM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I think what many beginners faced is with self-proclaimed experienced doms, claiming years of experience, and then telling you their version D/S is the official standard version of what D/S officially is.

So what I would like someone to tell me as a beginner is, that's bullshit, there is no official way, focus on vanilla compatibility and kink compatibility. And don't let these "doms" tell you that, you aren't "sub enough" when they want to force you to do things that are uncomfortable for you. Consensual means consensual.


(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/18/2015 4:29:15 AM   
TNDommeK


Posts: 7153
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I wish I had known patience. I'm still learning that.

_____________________________

Goddess of Duck Lips and Luxurious Hair
The working Fin Domme
Professional con artist, swindler, trixster, extortionist

Our snark-nado needs more cowbell


(in reply to Greta75)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/18/2015 4:43:03 AM   
malefica


Posts: 73
Joined: 11/17/2015
Status: offline 		Not sure what I would have changed, but I wish that I would have gotten involved in my local kink community earlier. 8 years, and I've only just started to do so within the last couple of months.

_____________________________

Owned Submissive | Primal | Pet | Pain Slut

(in reply to TNDommeK)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/18/2015 11:46:03 AM   
EdgeQueen


Posts: 14
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline 		I wish that I had known that being nice doesn't automatically make a woman submissive and that real life F/m relationships don't have to look anything like FemDom porn. I'd have saved myself *years* of confusion and mental anguish.

(in reply to malefica)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/23/2015 11:31:28 AM   
sweetieDA


Posts: 129
Joined: 4/3/2015
Status: offline 		That married and cheating men will always give you a good, guilty story that makes you feel sorry for them.

That most 'friends' are flaky, drama-obsessed bitches who are not worth my time or concern.

That most kinksters are retards who can barely navigate the basics of life, especially a certain class of really pathetic, incapable, incompetent Dom.

Not to listen to the opinions of others regarding myself or my relationship, because they barely know their ass from their elbow, let alone a masochist from a sub.

That most Doms talk the talk but rarely walk the walk. If you get play once a week, you're lucky.

Not to worry about what I looked like.

That Levee stockings are God's own gift to the thighs of women everywhere.

That, no matter how long you have been in the scene, people who have been it in longer will always be snotty, uptight prima donnas.

That newbies are always needy and irritating.

That the only really important limits are scat and dogs. Nobody ever asks you to fuck kids or dead people, so I don't know why we keep trotting them out as hard limits.

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/23/2015 12:40:03 PM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetieDA



That Levee stockings are God's own gift to the thighs of women everywhere.




Obviously nobody ever introduced you to Wolford


_____________________________

There are 10 kinds of people who understand binary
Those who do and those who don't!

http://exdomme.blogspot.com/2012/07/public-service-announcement.html

(in reply to sweetieDA)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: When you were a beginner - 11/23/2015 3:41:21 PM   
LookieNoNookie


Posts: 12216
Joined: 8/9/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: angelikaJ

what do you wish you had known?

My formal introduction to WIITWD was here.

When I was new here, it never occurred to me that many messages were copy and pasted.
I answered every one and everyone.

So knowing that would have been useful.


Too, I hadn't had much dating experience; most of my relationships were fairly long term. Very few were under 12 months, so while the advice to fall back on my previous dating experience is useful, it would not have helped me much.

What would have been useful to know for you personally?


"what do you wish you had known?"

What an ENTIRELY fabulous question!

I wish I would have known that we all walk the same path.

< Message edited by LookieNoNookie -- 11/23/2015 3:42:11 PM >

(in reply to angelikaJ)
Profile   Post #: 20
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