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Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 9:59:48 AM   
Newtosublife27


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/11/2015
Status: offline 		Hello everyone.

Being in the BDSM community is very new to me and the person that I fell in love with before I really understood his role in BDSM is my first Dom, Our relationship initially started off amazing, fireworks, butterflies and just amazing chemistry and I had no problem letting him taking the lead even without understanding the Dom/sub relationship. Well after a few months in, there was a breach of trust on my part due to not understanding the nuances we were establishing as a couple and as what he would soon as of a sub. After months of fighting and begging, we decided to try again to reestablish trust and continue our relationship while he introduced me into the world of submissive. Some things were very simple, like letting him take the lead in the bedroom; others of constantly asking for permission for mundane things were difficult due to his not being able to let go of past transgressions. We have been together for over two years now and it has continued to be very up and down, but after a major blowout, he broke things off. He has recently decided that he wants to continue to see me sexually without commitment while he has picked up another sub. I told him I can't continue our sexual relationship outside of commitment while he is continuing to dominant another woman. He says I'm being close minded and will continue to do so. I love him and want to keep trying and fighting past the lows and hopefully get back to what we had but can't see past him taking on another woman as a sub while we supposedly work on our relationship. I need advice/help. Has anyone been in this position? Know of ways to communicate to him? Or what I should do? Thank you for any replies; they are greatly appreciated.
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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 10:16:34 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Newtosublife27
Well after a few months in, there was a breach of trust on my part due to not understanding the nuances we were establishing as a couple and as what he would soon as of a sub.
That was his fault. As the Dominant and the experienced partner, it was his responsibility to explain what he wanted in a manner in which you understood.

quote:

things were difficult due to his not being able to let go of past transgressions.
If he can't forgive and move on, it's not going to work.

quote:

He says I'm being close minded and will continue to do so.
You're entitled to determine if something doesn't work for you. Calling you closed minded is emotional blackmail. He's trying to use guilt to make you feel like you're being small by not doing what he wants.

quote:

I love him and want to keep trying and fighting past the lows and hopefully get back to what we had but can't see past him taking on another woman as a sub while we supposedly work on our relationship.
He's not working on your relationship. He's getting laid while making you suffer.

quote:

I need advice/help. Has anyone been in this position? Know of ways to communicate to him? Or what I should do? Thank you for any replies; they are greatly appreciated.


To be blunt: It doesn't sound like he knows how to be in a relationship. He has problems communicating what he wants and blames you when problems arise due to his issue. He has probably put you through the wringer for the past two years reminding you constantly how he thinks you fucked up and doesn't trust you. Now, he wants to have sex with someone else while keeping you dangling on the hook and making you feel guilty for not liking being on the hook.

Does that sound like a healthy relationship?

What I would recommend is ending the relationship, work on getting yourself mentally healthy, figure out exactly what you want and then move on.

Since you will most likely ignore that advice -

The next thing would be to give the ultimatum that either you work on your relationship one on one and he does not become involved with someone else or you're ending it. And be prepared to walk away and end it if he can't see that working on a relationship means that there's only the two of you in it.

Since you will most likely ignore that advice too..

If you don't do either of the above, this cycle that you're on will just keep going. Eventually you'll figure out that you've had enough and walk away...after wasting years of your life.





< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 12/11/2015 10:18:20 AM >

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The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 10:57:53 AM   
LadyConstanze


Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline 		I think the relationship is already over and he is now asking you to be his booty call and throws in a bit of unconsensual emotional sadism, personally I'd tell him to eff off.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 11:42:20 AM   
WickedsDesire


Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline 		Play does that include sex with his new bit of strumpet.
Who did the begging? I myself only beg for muffins.

Answer that and I will give you an answer

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 12:06:31 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		I'd tell him in that case, you're looking for a relationship with a new dom. But if you happen to be at loose ends one night and want a booty call, you have his number.

But you can't reestablish a relationship because he's made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want to have one with you.



< Message edited by DesFIP -- 12/11/2015 12:16:51 PM >

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 12:25:02 PM   
seekingreality


Posts: 599
Joined: 8/11/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Newtosublife27

Hello everyone.

Being in the BDSM community is very new to me and the person that I fell in love with before I really understood his role in BDSM is my first Dom, Our relationship initially started off amazing, fireworks, butterflies and just amazing chemistry and I had no problem letting him taking the lead even without understanding the Dom/sub relationship. Well after a few months in, there was a breach of trust on my part due to not understanding the nuances we were establishing as a couple and as what he would soon as of a sub. After months of fighting and begging, we decided to try again to reestablish trust and continue our relationship while he introduced me into the world of submissive. Some things were very simple, like letting him take the lead in the bedroom; others of constantly asking for permission for mundane things were difficult due to his not being able to let go of past transgressions. We have been together for over two years now and it has continued to be very up and down, but after a major blowout, he broke things off. He has recently decided that he wants to continue to see me sexually without commitment while he has picked up another sub. I told him I can't continue our sexual relationship outside of commitment while he is continuing to dominant another woman. He says I'm being close minded and will continue to do so. I love him and want to keep trying and fighting past the lows and hopefully get back to what we had but can't see past him taking on another woman as a sub while we supposedly work on our relationship. I need advice/help. Has anyone been in this position? Know of ways to communicate to him? Or what I should do? Thank you for any replies; they are greatly appreciated.



Seems like he's making it very clear what he is proposing: He wants to have sex with you without commitment while he sees other women.

It is completely up to you whether you accept or reject that.

It's not a question of being closed minded (that's just his attempt to manipulate you.)

If you accept his offer, don't assume you'll be anything more than a booty call.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 1:23:07 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I don't think you're going to like this, OP.

To start, I notice that you quickly glossed over this "breach of trust" on your part when establishing the nuances of being a couple. There's no way to know whether your transgression was big or small, so I'm not going to nail the other person to the wall for not forgiving you. I'm going to tell you now that if you were the Dominant party and you broke a submissive's trust, people would tell that submissive to run for the hills.

I'm also interested in who was doing the begging. If you screwed up and begged the other party to take you back, that would probably fit the scenario.

Next, I notice you say that he couldn't forgive past transgressionS. Very specifically with an "s". During the 'down' periods of the 'ups and downs,' I'm guessing there was more less than stellar stuff from both of you.

Then, we get to he broke it off but now wants a sexual relationship. That part is in your favor. (I've got a personal thing against folks who try to manipulate others into poly with the "you're not open-minded" crap, but that's another thing.) If you don't want to have a sexual relationship with someone who doesn't want anything more than a booty call, that is entirely your right. If you do not want to be sexually involved with someone who has another relationship, that's your right, too.

However, that means it's a break up and he has moved on. He's already involved with the other person, so anymore begging, pleading, fighting, or whatever else is going on probably isn't going to change that. He's got a new submissive, so let him be happy with that person.


Edited - The word is "glossed".


< Message edited by LadyPact -- 12/11/2015 1:58:15 PM >

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 7:20:05 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		= Fast Reply =

For him it's over.
You just don't move onto someone new after 2 years like 'no big deal'
He hasn't been or wasn't emotionally bonded to you. Oh and if you think you are going to be 'working on your relationship' while he is involved with someone else, you are deluding yourself. Sounds to me like you have been replaced, either by her or whoever else comes along. This sounds like a done deal as far as he's concerned. You just don't want to let go and would rather kid yourself or whatever to keep him in your life no matter what he does or says.

Btw, does his new sub know he's made you this sex only offer?
Now that there's a new sex partner in the mix - if you indeed are still having sex with him I suggest you get s.t.d. tested.

_____________________________

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The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 7:35:44 PM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline 		= Fast Reply =

For him it's over.
You just don't move onto someone new after 2 years like 'no big deal'
He hasn't been or wasn't emotionally bonded to you. Oh and if you think you are going to be 'working on your relationship' while he is involved with someone else, you are deluding yourself. Sounds to me like you have been replaced, either by her or whoever else comes along. This sounds like a done deal as far as he's concerned. You just don't want to let go and would rather kid yourself or whatever to keep him in your life no matter what he does or says.

Btw, does his new sub know he's made you this sex only offer?
Now that there's a new sex partner in the mix - if you indeed are still having sex with him I suggest you get s.t.d. tested.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 11:43:50 PM   
Newtosublife27


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/11/2015
Status: offline 		OsideGirl

I agree it's been very cyclic and this is the first time he's allowed himself to even approach another woman. I think what I was hoping to gain insight in is if I am truly being close minded never having been a submissive before our relationship and as he says this person in a non sexual sub and is not ready to jump back into our commitment without dealing with his ability to let go of the past. I appreciate you taking the time to send your thoughts on my situation; it truly does help. Thank you

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 11:48:23 PM   
Newtosublife27


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/11/2015
Status: offline 		WickedsDesire

The play he says is non sexual; just having control over her decisions like social activities, clothing, etc but also includes spankings, which is again why I posted on the forum to understand if I am being close minded to his needs or realizing I'm being manipulated for my lack of understanding more about BDSM.
And I did begging.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/11/2015 11:57:54 PM   
Newtosublife27


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/11/2015
Status: offline 		Lady Pact

I appreciate your honesty. I do not hide the fact that I was the reason for him having problems being able to forgive and trust being that he has a very difficult time trusting others, which is why I've continued to try and be strong while he's had doubts or bad days for the past two years. I did the begging you are right. I was hoping people who are experienced in Dominance/submission could tell me if I am truly being close minded due to the fact I've never been in this type of relationship before and he says it is non sexual with spankings and it is a need for him that he can't do without. I can understand his needs not being meet, but I believed that there should be an understanding if we are truly trying to make things work, that no one, sexually or non, should be in the picture as his submissive as I viewed it as a very personal act. So I hoped I could hear if I am wrong for that or being manipulated.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 12:01:59 AM   
Newtosublife27


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/11/2015
Status: offline 		JanahX

Thanks for being honest. I wasn't trying to kid myself or be deluded. He says the person is non sexual submissive and is not seeking a relationship with her, but filling a need, hence why I wanted to ask others more about boundaries and respect when it comes to D/s and relationships.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 12:15:45 AM   
OsideGirl


Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Newtosublife27

if I am truly being close minded never having been a submissive

What he's talking about has nothing to do with being submissive. You're entitled to be happy even if you're submissive. He's trying to tell you that you're not really submissive if you won't accept what he's doing, which is bullshit. What he's doing wouldn't even be considered oly by those of us that are poly.

So, it's all just him playing a game.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 2:04:07 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Newtosublife27
Lady Pact

I appreciate your honesty. I do not hide the fact that I was the reason for him having problems being able to forgive and trust being that he has a very difficult time trusting others, which is why I've continued to try and be strong while he's had doubts or bad days for the past two years. I did the begging you are right. I was hoping people who are experienced in Dominance/submission could tell me if I am truly being close minded due to the fact I've never been in this type of relationship before and he says it is non sexual with spankings and it is a need for him that he can't do without. I can understand his needs not being meet, but I believed that there should be an understanding if we are truly trying to make things work, that no one, sexually or non, should be in the picture as his submissive as I viewed it as a very personal act. So I hoped I could hear if I am wrong for that or being manipulated.

This was a very fair reply. Thank you.

No, I don't consider you being closed minded. Quite often, I find that gets used as a manipulative term that gets thrown about in an effort to twist somebody into something. Either that, or you'll find some people try to use it as an insult when a person has hard limits and other people want to put them down. It's one of those terms that you really have to look at the motivations of the person using it.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be monogamous or wanting the person that you are involved with to be monogamous. Poly isn't necessarily for everyone and there's not a thing wrong with that.

That being said, I don't really have high hopes for this. Even if there's not sex involved, the scenario sounds like it's more than casual play partner. I have casual play partners. I don't take a Dominant role in their lives. I'd consider that a relationship to some degree, which isn't favorable if your relationship with him is rocky or needs work. Adding a person to someone's life isn't the way to solve problems in the original relationship.

If it's been two years and he hasn't forgiven the original thing that happened, I wouldn't really be counting on it being forgiven and forgotten anytime soon. Maybe it would be possible with couple's counseling or something of that nature. However, the only way you have a chance of making that work is if BOTH of you are dedicated to the relationship and BOTH of you want to get past whatever happened. If he feels the breech of trust was big enough that he couldn't trust you again, you're both wasting you time.

I do want to wish you luck, whichever way this turns out.



_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Newtosublife27)
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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 7:50:23 AM   
Newtosublife27


Posts: 7
Joined: 12/11/2015
Status: offline 		Lady Pact

OsideGirl


Thank you so much. I've been struggling with this and trying to know if I'm truly being a brat and needed to look past my discomfort with what he is doing, but speaking with both od you helps me to understand more of what is acceptable and what is malicious. This is very hurtful to me and non negotiable in my eyes for us to even try to make it work, but now I'm confident in that belief; thanks to you ladies!! I wish y'all the best and appreciate the time you've taken to help me!

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 8:22:27 AM   
Lucylastic


Posts: 40310
Status: offline 		I have to agree with Oside and LP.
Trust is hard enough to get back, but when one partner insists that a third will "help", You are being manipulated, he doesnt care about your feelings.
Many dumb dom men try this, to manipulate, bullyand cajole etc using submissiveness as a reason you should do exactly what they tell you.
Oh women do it too, but a lot of it is a male belief that they can satisfy two or more women at once, outside of a fantasy, the reality is much harsher. I know plenty of poly families, Im not denigrating them in the slightest

But personally it depends a lot of what "broke" the trust in the first place.
is it payback? is it pushing you into something he wants to have? is he just being a douchebag or is there more to the story.
Of course there is. But just on the surface, he doesnt sound as if he gives a damn as long as he gets what he wants.
Thats domineering, and ignorance.
Not domination.
But thats just my 2 cents




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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 10:23:28 AM   
WickedsDesire


Posts: 9362
Joined: 11/4/2015
Status: offline 		Sometimes I’m too tired to read all the nuances, or late at night hammered on cheap Chardonnay and rambling to my cats.

I asked initially Play - does that include sex with his new bit of strumpet. Who did the begging? I myself only beg for muffins. Answer that and I will give you an answer.

But scanning all the other additional information you were with him two years the relationship broke down – why and when? Did any of you cheat and what were you fighting about? Normally I can read between the lines but your story is evolving and omitted the specifics methinks

Play I only ever date between 1-2 people a year x last 13 years (was married before that). And not all wish to play or to play to varying degrees which is perfectly normal so I adapt to each person to be brief.

Always sexual due to my lusty loin region or simply just liking evocative sex and cuddles - well long as i don't hate the person. But I have known in my time ( I have been around longer than most -46 years olde–prone to time travel) a few others who play in a non sexual manner but it’s no more than 20% and that does not include the hidden sexual element (some pro domes understand that statement)

I do not include a light flogging tickling with a flogger pin wheel etc at a club on eg a friend.



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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 10:54:51 AM   
JanahX


Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline
quote:

He has recently decided that he wants to continue to see me sexually without commitment while he has picked up another sub. I told him I can't continue our sexual relationship outside of commitment while he is continuing to dominant another woman


quote:

He says the person is non sexual submissive and is not seeking a relationship with her, but filling a need,


quote:

and he says it is non sexual with spankings and it is a need for him that he can't do without.


quote:

and he says it is non sexual with spankings and it is a need for him that he can't do without. I can understand his needs not being meet


Okay - so what sexually turned him on? Since he's not in a sexual relationship with her, where is he seeking his sexual needs from? I mean - is she just unfuckable?

Have you talked to her to find out if he's playing you? I sure as hell would.

_____________________________

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.


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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 11:08:37 AM   
freedomdwarf1


Posts: 6845
Joined: 10/23/2012
Status: offline 		I agree with what everyone has said so far.

But this bit -
quote:

ORIGINAL: Newtosublife27
...We have been together for over two years now and it has continued to be very up and down, but after a major blowout, he broke things off. He has recently decided that he wants to continue to see me sexually without commitment while he has picked up another sub. I told him I can't continue our sexual relationship outside of commitment while he is continuing to dominant another woman.
is the final nail in the coffin.

As everyone has said, unless you want to be his booty call - it's over; it's finished. Period.



< Message edited by freedomdwarf1 -- 12/12/2015 11:26:22 AM >

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(in reply to Newtosublife27)
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