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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 1:58:29 PM

Newtosublife27

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Lucylastic

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Without going into long details, we started dating without commitment to continue to get to know each other and determine compatibility. I was never involved with anyone from my past when we were dating but I was still in contact with people I used to be in relationships with. Nothing ever happened or was leading to it. My ex was having a very difficult time in his life with job transitioning and losing his kids and I was in contact with him consoling him and trying to lift his spirits and reassure him he will be ok. He was in my phone and saw the messages and he felt betrayed and said he needed time. A few days later, he ended things. I was very upset and after a few weeks, starting contacting other people and spending time with them. Then he reached out to me again and never said he wanted to start the relationship again but continued to call and connect. Well, then months after that, it came to surface that the time we were not together that I had spent time with other people and enter in the huge mountain of distrust. I don't claim to be right and in looking back, of course I wish I just showed the messages, talked about my ex's issues and see if he was comfortable, etc etc. but I didn't and can not change the past. I have only tried to make up for it now and being patient along the way. It has been very difficult and the feelings are there for both (I believe), but I just can't understand how with all the difficulty in trusting right now, that having a non sexual submissive that I have not met or know anything about, is healthy to repairing any relationship we have.

I know people will have there views that I probably deserve this and I accept that. My intention is to seek guidance on what it possible now being that gaining trust in a D/s relationship after this is (I feel) greatly more intricate than a typical vanilla relationship.

Thank you everyone for replying. The more I hear, the more I understand

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 2:15:32 PM

MisterP61

Posts: 1345
Joined: 10/9/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Newtosublife27

My ex was having a very difficult time in his life with job transitioning and losing his kids and I was in contact with him consoling him and trying to lift his spirits and reassure him he will be ok. He was in my phone and saw the messages and he felt betrayed and said he needed time.

Holy fucking huge red flag. As a man I can't even imagine doing this. For one he broke YOUR trust going into your phone. Two, if they were your friends before you even knew him, he has not one fucking right to be butt hurt over it. Seriously run as far the fuck away that you can for your own good. Trouble is all that you will have if not.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 2:43:21 PM

Lucylastic

Posts: 40310
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Newtosublife27

Lucylastic

WickedsDesire

Without going into long details, we started dating without commitment to continue to get to know each other and determine compatibility. I was never involved with anyone from my past when we were dating but I was still in contact with people I used to be in relationships with. Nothing ever happened or was leading to it. My ex was having a very difficult time in his life with job transitioning and losing his kids and I was in contact with him consoling him and trying to lift his spirits and reassure him he will be ok. He was in my phone and saw the messages and he felt betrayed and said he needed time. A few days later, he ended things. I was very upset and after a few weeks, starting contacting other people and spending time with them. Then he reached out to me again and never said he wanted to start the relationship again but continued to call and connect. Well, then months after that, it came to surface that the time we were not together that I had spent time with other people and enter in the huge mountain of distrust. I don't claim to be right and in looking back, of course I wish I just showed the messages, talked about my ex's issues and see if he was comfortable, etc etc. but I didn't and can not change the past. I have only tried to make up for it now and being patient along the way. It has been very difficult and the feelings are there for both (I believe), but I just can't understand how with all the difficulty in trusting right now, that having a non sexual submissive that I have not met or know anything about, is healthy to repairing any relationship we have.

I know people will have there views that I probably deserve this and I accept that. My intention is to seek guidance on what it possible now being that gaining trust in a D/s relationship after this is (I feel) greatly more intricate than a typical vanilla relationship.

Thank you everyone for replying. The more I hear, the more I understand

Im not gonna say you deserve it, but there is for sure a communication issue. I still dont think you or he need a third person to heal his issues.
I wish you luck...

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 2:45:45 PM

freedomdwarf1

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Joined: 10/23/2012
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Newtosublife27
...My intention is to seek guidance on what it possible now being that gaining trust in a D/s relationship after this is (I feel) greatly more intricate than a typical vanilla relationship.

Thank you everyone for replying. The more I hear, the more I understand

Listen to what we have all been telling you.
Take Mr P's advice and run for the hills.

The trust has gone and he's playing you for a fool.
This relationship, such that it is, is all one-sided and it's not on your side.

You are chasing a rainbow.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 3:15:18 PM

sweetieDA

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Joined: 4/3/2015
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Cut off all contact, immediately. Don't reply to any of his messages, don't text him or email him. Don't explain yourself, ever. Find new men to enjoy - whether that is for conversation, play, flirtation or maybe even a relationship. Post statements that share your enjoyment of these new men.

Then *wait* and *watch* as your former Dom comes crawling, begging, degrading himself. All the respect you had for him is gone. He was never worth it in the first place and, besides, you're a female - you can pull many men in BDSM while he will struggle to pull any women. His loss :-)

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 5:09:31 PM

JanahX

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Errrrr..... after your last post, I have to ask you,
Does the word doormat mean anything to you?

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 5:26:45 PM

OsideGirl

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Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisterP61

quote:

ORIGINAL: Newtosublife27

My ex was having a very difficult time in his life with job transitioning and losing his kids and I was in contact with him consoling him and trying to lift his spirits and reassure him he will be ok. He was in my phone and saw the messages and he felt betrayed and said he needed time.

Holy fucking huge red flag. As a man I can't even imagine doing this. For one he broke YOUR trust going into your phone. Two, if they were your friends before you even knew him, he has not one fucking right to be butt hurt over it. Seriously run as far the fuck away that you can for your own good. Trouble is all that you will have if not.

Mr P is absolutely correct.

You did nothing wrong, yet he screams "breach of trust!". (And I bet he has absolutely put you through the ringer for that past two years, deliberately making you feel bad about yourself.)

Honey, he's not worth keeping. You're 27, there's are tons of fish in the sea. Do yourself a favor and move on.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/12/2015 10:12:51 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Newtosublife27
My ex was having a very difficult time in his life with job transitioning and losing his kids and I was in contact with him consoling him and trying to lift his spirits and reassure him he will be ok. He was in my phone and saw the messages and he felt betrayed and said he needed time.

Holy crud. That's the transgression?

Excuse the slang, but honey, you deserve better than that.

If that happened in my house, it would go over about as well as a fart in church. Geez, MP (oh, if you missed it, I'm married to the frog guy) would never dream of picking up my phone ad scrolling through it. He is nowhere near so insecure as to invade my privacy like that. I can't even imagine him doing such a thing.

Only little, insecure men do things like that. It's not that I've never known any. I have.

Now, I have no problem with those who structure their dynamic in certain ways. If you're required to share "hey, I talked to so-and-so last night," no problem.

But, if dude is so afraid of you talking to somebody by cell, or going to coffee when a friend wants to confide in you.... Run. Only little, chicken shit men do that.

You know what they say. You can't make chicken salad out of chicken sh^t.

Holy fucking huge red flag. As a man I can't even imagine doing this. For one he broke YOUR trust going into your phone. Two, if they were your friends before you even knew him, he has not one fucking right to be butt hurt over it. Seriously run as far the fuck away that you can for your own good. Trouble is all that you will have if not.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/13/2015 9:48:15 AM

WickedsDesire

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Joined: 11/4/2015
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Thanks for the information.

You have done nothing wrong to mirror another’s words

He was in my phone and saw the messages and he felt betrayed and said he needed time.
He saw what he wished-needed to see or believe, at that moment in time. Perhaps he was looking for an excuse. Many of us go through difficult times at some point, or many points in life, but we don’t start churning out excuses; family, kid’s, innocent texts.

Once, I was in someone’s phone a women who stayed with me over a decade ago and I simply read the one text and sent it to everyone in her phone book. You can tell when someone guards there phone or how they behave with it whether they are up to no good (malarkey). She was simply an attention whore – not quite a clinical diagnosis but the gist is there. Almost impossible to have an infinite relationship with them.

He was:
1. Wanting rid of you
2. Play the field or had better options he already examined before he pushed you away.
3. Schadenfreude - simply to hurt you because he derives pleasure from your pain
– I have come across very toxic versions of this thrice in my life and it still vexes - perplexes me.
4. His options then dried and he felt all alone up so he called out to you. Then another one of his options came back into play.

You were in a kind friend fuk relationship from the beginning. Fkbuds or friends with benefits - all the rage these days. Merely a classical no commitment excuse to ruck like bunnies in heat with whomever. Not how my head (inhabited by pixies and king of the hobgoblins) defines that as a relationship.

That’s the gist

But you got attached it happens with everyone & poly and swingers being the worst.

He pushed-hurled you away like a useless/broken defunct out of date toy, and then tried to pull you closer.

You already let go once. But you seem to wish to give that type of relationship another go. Why? He does not want all of you – and there be where I draw my line. My mind has no problem not wanting anyone who does not want me.

Why
- Do you wish to tame this meek beast the lion from Oz springs to my mind
- Do you want that which you can never truly have
- Its normal for many people to think of others exes, obsess over them not a good thing
- Owner ship many people like to own everyone their ex partners spouses – because they are fking deranged – again, not quite a clinical diagnosis but I feel the reader will grasp the nuances.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/13/2015 10:13:05 AM

LadyConstanze

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FR:

He sounds like a manipulative bastard with commitment issues, does his "new sub" actually know about his "generous offer" to you?

Seriously, you are well rid off him, he sounds like a piece of work and absolutely untrustworthy.

Unless you gave him explicit permission to access your phone, you should be the one who complains about a breech of trust. You know hubby has my logins as I have his, just in case anything should happen, we never ever use them, because it's a matter of trust.

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/13/2015 11:36:38 AM

WickedsDesire

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Slippernotes
1. I condone no-one go through anyone’s phone, ever, or mail. But alas it is common as people are consumed by jealously rightly /wrongly. Many wanton wenches have been through mine and their minds have run wrongly amok and with zero foundation – oh you women. I have no lock on it.
2. Manipulative @ LadyConstanze (nice pictures by the way I always have to look at profiles - names to get the spelling accurate) do you really think? - I do not think he has the brains.
3. They have been mainly honestish in defining their relationship with each other – I never say an additional other is never allowed but reserved as a rare treat for those capable of muffin. But yes he is manipulating her cake and eat it – pants analogy. Tempered with the fact he has re redefined it
4. Perhaps she is pliable, vulnerable.
5. She should be making zero excuses for herself
6. Perhaps he simply does not want her in any kind of capacity save a quick frolic – that’s happens with couples. You learn to not love them, say noo to marrying them 1000s of times, get hammered one night and say yes and oh dear o me (true story)

Anyhoos the crux, nexus, pivot, devilinthedeatils,hinges on why he shoved her away..and I have stated my primarily and secondary thoughts on the matter reread them is why he dided those things but what one or combination I am uncertain

And why she wants the relationship they had before. I wouldn’t says it’s a full on destructive relationship, partial perhaps and of no real value. But here is the funny thing some people seek destructive relationships or predators – vulnerable, and that I am afeared is a great shame.

Why do you wish this wretched urchin is my question to Op and a her very good thread

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RE: Restablishing relationship with trust - 12/14/2015 2:58:37 AM

Greta75

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FR

Many people have given such good advice in this situation.

I do wish OP well, and hope she can see that this relationship is toxic and he has personal issues that has nothing to do with you. He needs help, he has gone through some things, and it's unfair that his projecting them on to you. He needs to fix his own issues first to be a healthy dom for somebody.

So anyway, be firm, hold your ground. Tell him you want exclusivity, and let him go if he says no. There are many other doms out there who will practice exclusivity and wants it.

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