Demisexual (Full Version)

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LadyPact -> Demisexual (12/16/2015 6:15:26 AM)

This thread is being started so I don't take some of the other threads off topic.

The word demisexual is coming up on threads a lot recently and it's one that has some folks confused. Don't feel bad about that, by the way. I didn't know what it meant either when I first heard it. However, since it's pretty good label for some folks, I thought it could be a thread.

So, what/who is a demisexual?

"Demisexuality is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity."

While I'm not a perfect fit for this definition, it's the one that people seem to understand the most. I have to tweak it a bit for me because, like most Dominant people, I can also get off on power and control (big shock) but that doesn't mean I'm necessarily sexually attracted to the person.

Demisexuals have a rather large range. Anywhere between more than asexual but less than the average person experiencing sexual attraction based on outward appearance alone. We are more likely to be sexually attracted to those with whom we feel we have an emotional intimacy of some level, so we're more likely to have a sexual attraction to a friend than whoever is on the cover of GQ.

Being demisexual does not mean that a person is completely disinterested in sex. (I can personally promise that one isn't true.) It's just that we have our own criteria for what gets that sexual spark to turn on. We are often not interested in casual sex or don't want to engage in sex without the emotional bond. This often gets lumped in with asexual folks because we may not have a sexual drive without the element that ignites the sexual attraction.

Since we have some people on the forums who identify as demisexuals, I thought this could be it's own discussion. Feel free to talk about why you identify with the label or ask questions if you would like to try to understand demisexuals better.





LadyConstanze -> RE: Demisexual (12/16/2015 6:42:21 AM)

Oh I can be absolutely turned on by somebody on the cover of GQ, or just some random guy I see, but it's more a mental thing, going "Oh nice, yes..." but without any real interest to follow through, if that makes sense?



NookieNotes -> RE: Demisexual (12/16/2015 7:04:57 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

Oh I can be absolutely turned on by somebody on the cover of GQ, or just some random guy I see, but it's more a mental thing, going "Oh nice, yes..." but without any real interest to follow through, if that makes sense?


This is me. I have a playful interest, but if they can't follow-up with a good personality and connection, it's off.



JanahX -> RE: Demisexual (12/16/2015 7:20:01 AM)

Thank you for that explanation Lady Pact. I had no idea what that was or had even heard of it.



ExiledTyrant -> RE: Demisexual (12/16/2015 7:43:27 AM)

Well, for me it's a sapiosexual attraction at first that will need to lead to a demisexual connection. I'm a bit of an anomaly I think... I have to have a mental connection first, then emotional, spiritual, and lastly a physical attraction. Physical attraction is still important, but least important of the four. When the "four" are met, the heavens part for me and the things... and stuff, that I'll do to her... well, ya know.

I find beauty to be a radiant thing that radiates from a person. Physical aesthetics are just the aesthetics and the "radiant" effect can also be ugly... so they may be pretty to look at but ugly to the core. That said, when I find a sapiosexual attraction toward someone it doesn't matter how plane jane she may be, as the attraction moves through the "four" she easily becomes my Mighty Aphrodite.



LadyPact -> RE: Demisexual (12/16/2015 9:05:19 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze
Oh I can be absolutely turned on by somebody on the cover of GQ, or just some random guy I see, but it's more a mental thing, going "Oh nice, yes..." but without any real interest to follow through, if that makes sense?

Some demisexuals can and do, especially in the cases of famous people. While there are a lot of famous people that are physically attractive, there has to be something that makes them sexually attractive to me.

My big example tends to be Norman Reedus. Never found the man to be sexually attractive in any of his other roles but I (and I don't know how many other women on the globe) find him in the role of Daryl on "The Walking Dead" to be very hot. It's very much because of the way the character is written as it's been developed. Had I been asked the same question during season one, I'd have told you he completely turned me off.




DesFIP -> RE: Demisexual (12/16/2015 9:30:21 AM)

I can find a celebrity to be aesthetically attractive but it doesn't translate to wanting to do them.

However, I also can't do make up sex or sex when he's in a bad mood. I can do stuff for him. But if the emotional mood isn't loving and supportive, I can't enjoy it.



NookieNotes -> RE: Demisexual (12/16/2015 1:03:47 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

I can find a celebrity to be aesthetically attractive but it doesn't translate to wanting to do them.


It's sexually attractive for me. But you're right, even with that sexual attraction, I won't want to "do" them without a connection.



LadyPact -> RE: Demisexual (12/16/2015 1:57:08 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
However, I also can't do make up sex or sex when he's in a bad mood. I can do stuff for him. But if the emotional mood isn't loving and supportive, I can't enjoy it.

We have this in common. I definitely am one of those women who isn't going to be gung-ho about the sex if there's trouble in the relationship. No good mood = no sex.




WickedsDesire -> RE: Demisexual (12/16/2015 2:16:06 PM)

Genuine reality, I am attracted too.

all of the above easily do no fulfil that criteria...and yet these are the "regulars some off* and there words shame on them



Missokyst -> RE: Demisexual (12/17/2015 8:29:42 AM)

I only have sex with men I am attracted to as people, intellectually, emotionally, and mentally. I have played plenty, but I don't have sex unless there is more there. But unlike a few here I can have sex when I am pissed off at my partner and still enjoy it.



Cuckingcurious -> RE: Demisexual (12/17/2015 11:01:20 AM)

I guess demisexuality is more common with women? Considering our primal nature women tend to sway towards a mate that can provide, protect etc and now in more recent years common interests, hobbies etc. Men on the other hand were more about "spreading the seed" and mostly still are to this day. I suppose that's why rape still is a common occurrence? Take our closest relatives the great apes for example. I imagine our behavior was quite similar to theirs when we first started out and still is in a way. Females can be observed being nurturing, protective and even loving towards offspring while males may kill nursing offspring that is not their own to mate and reproduce themselves. Males from other tribes fight over females , and they rape them as well. I guess our biggest flaw is that girls are told from a young age that life's a fairytale. You meet your prince charming and get married and live happily blah blah blah. While boys are tought to suck it up, don't cry, don't show emotion, don't get attached to things etc. In the days before equality marriage wasn't all that much about love it was far from it. That's all changing now more than ever. Women can provide for them selves they don't need a man around, they can be more selective. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing for human kind. Makes me wish I could come back and see the world a 1000 years from now if it still exists.



OsideGirl -> RE: Demisexual (12/17/2015 11:11:27 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Cuckingcurious

I guess demisexuality is more common with women? Considering our primal nature women tend to sway towards a mate that can provide, protect etc and now in more recent years common interests, hobbies etc. Men on the other hand were more about "spreading the seed" and mostly still are to this day.
There's a good book called Sperm Wars that is a very interesting read about that very subject.

quote:

I suppose that's why rape still is a common occurrence?
Rape tends to be about anger, insecurity and control issues.





Cuckingcurious -> RE: Demisexual (12/17/2015 11:32:25 AM)

Not always,

In ancient battles it was more about conquest. Villages were ransacked, the men and children killed or enslaved and the women raped. I think it was more about them trying to assimilate the religion they conquered. Now days you are right, they take what they can't have out of frustration which leads to anger in most cases. I still think it all starts with the basic primal need to reproduce in order to ensure survival. If you take a look at 3rd world nations people tend to have far more children, rape is also more common compared to countries in Europe or north america. Rape and the amount of children seem to go hand in hand with poverty.



OsideGirl -> RE: Demisexual (12/17/2015 11:46:30 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Cuckingcurious

Not always,

In ancient battles it was more about conquest.


But, since you said "still a common occurrence", it's not relevant because we're talking about now.

quote:

If you take a look at 3rd world nations people tend to have far more children, rape is also more common compared to countries in Europe or north america. Rape and the amount of children seem to go hand in hand with poverty.
Which makes sense if you take into consideration that poverty also breeds anger, which leads to higher crime rates and a general sense of lawlessness.

I also think that when you're talking about countries where women don't have rights or are marginalized, you find it higher simply because it's not viewed a crime but as accepted.

But, we've strayed pretty far off the subject of this thread.



LadyConstanze -> RE: Demisexual (12/17/2015 11:59:39 AM)

I would argue that rape in warfare is considered some kind of psychological warfare, intended to humiliated the enemy, pretty much a hate crime, which again has to do with anger, the same holds true in conflict zones (poverty)

Susan Brownmiller and Kelly Dawn Askin studied the subject and have really interesting publications about it.

Basically the gist of it is that rape only ever happened to civilians, it's a very recent thing that rape during warfare is shunned (though Cicero did ask for it) and oddly enough in the middle ages the only group of people who condemned rape in warfare were the Muslims (though they didn't consider taking prisoners as slaves and the women ending up in harems as rape) and had the death penalty for soldiers being caught in the act of rape.

Quite fascinating, I think you would enjoy their publications



OsideGirl -> RE: Demisexual (12/17/2015 12:07:46 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze

I would argue that rape in warfare is considered some kind of psychological warfare, intended to humiliated the enemy, pretty much a hate crime, which again has to do with anger, the same holds true in conflict zones (poverty)


It was also used as genocide, since it replaced the current crop of infants with the children of the enemy. Since women were usually discarded by their spouses after a rape, it stunted the natural growth of that group and sowed the seeds of ethnic dissension - so in that manner it was absolutely a psychological weapon.



LadyConstanze -> RE: Demisexual (12/17/2015 12:19:09 PM)

Mind you there are some historical figures where the "mixed race" children (aka fathered by the enemy) ended up fighting against them, the Romans had a lot of trouble with the offspring they forced on Celtic women....



Cuckingcurious -> RE: Demisexual (12/17/2015 12:34:23 PM)

You forget warfare lasted decades in those days,
Soldiers did not bring their wives so someone had to help replace fallen soldiers to conquer the next territory. Most of the time those women chosen to "help" weren't doing it willingly. Genocide as you mentioned is also an important factor. Assassinations of leaders did not stop at the leader the entire family was killed in order to ensure no future revenge would be plotted. Replace the offspring with your own is an easy way to ensure you won't be overthrown by disgruntled citizens who's fathers you murdered. I'd say it's a mix of psychological warfare, genocide, and self preservation. Killing the off spring was a necessity. Anyway it was just a short example of how similar our behavior is to apes, how our ways have changed a bit since then and that I think demisexuality occurrs more in women than in men since they seem to be prewired for it.



LadyPact -> RE: Demisexual (12/17/2015 12:39:29 PM)

Yes. Studies on the subject of rape have come out regarding the fact that it's not especially about sex but more driven about things like power and control. Kind of strange, too, because it's often done by men who feel they lack power and control. Psychologically strange sounding but the studies are extensive.

I hate to say it. Darn good war tactic, though. Any method that breaks people's spirit is effective.

Without hard data on the matter, I probably would guess that more women might identify as demisexual than men. Even though some of it is cultural too, I hear more women talk about things like they prefer sex in relationship situations or their friend with benefits has to actually be a friend. (There was a thread where folks talked about it not long ago.) Their FWB guys had to be people they LIKED.



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