RE: How should I perceive this message?

RE: How should I perceive this message? (Full Version)

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DesFIP -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 10:11:34 AM)
He told you why. That his past experience is that women will do what he wants without getting what they want. He's expecting you to do the same.

Greta75 -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 10:41:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: tj444 well, if we dont hear from you again, we will know it didnt go the way you expected.. True. If you don't hear from me again, I guess I made a bad decision. His talking about all the past relationships he had. It seems like his life was generally filled with relationships that lasted between 2 to 7 years each. And he was saying that, the women will do anything he ask them to in the bedroom in hopes to keep their man will stick around. To be honest, it's like our Asian culture to please our man in bed, like we feel it's our duty, so it's not so far fetched about that. His not the first one I hear make this comment about their experiences. And his rather good looking, on top of affluent. But I just didn't like how he says it, like it didn't sound very complimentary. So when I probe, he said, he has the same issues as me. Sexual compatibility is great, mental compatibility, terrible. Mental compatibility great, sexual compatibility terrible. That's what he means. Intellectual connection isn't about agreeing with me, because, I practically have my perfect sexual match that I am spending the next 2 weeks with, but zero mental connection with, like you know how opinionated I am, and I love fellow opinionated people who have an opinion about everything but he doesn't seem to have opinions on anything I ask him. And his pretty much a yes man but not very open in conversations, like his kinda closed in talking openly about alot of things. Sometimes I think I am communicating with a wall. But sexually, he just naturally gets everything perfect and have the patience to let me cum for as long as I want. So his a great lover! But not great mental company. With this guy, it's about the way he talks, what he shares, and how open he is. And his very open, doesn't dodge anything, and openly tells me anything and also volunteer alot more information than I asked for, which I like, his super duper open and talks alot about himself. I just like people who behave like they have nothing to hide, and are an open book, and I can interrogate them all I want, and they answer everything without hesitation and give me detailed answers! That's intellectual connection to me. Because on top of that, they like my interrogation. I mean, he share detailedly his point of view and opinions with me, I mean, conversation has been great! His very articulate. His not afraid to talk about his past relationships, his feelings. His very open. And actually to be honest, he said to me that, he agrees we are not sexually compatible but he still wants to meet me just for dinner as he enjoyed our conversation so much. But I said to him, I don't meet men I am not planning to fuck. Which is kinda true, I don't. After all, my goal is sex! Not making platonic friends. I'm just single-minded, when I am fixated at something, I don't deviate from the goal, and have distractions, like time wasting of meeting a man who I ain't gonna have sex with. Which is why, he said he wanted to meet me so bad, that he will do whatever I want in the bedroom just to meet me. And that I told him, I'm gonna be terrible in bed for him, as like his gonna do everything his not interested in! And he said, just meeting me and being able to converse with me in real life would be worth it! And then he said the other thing about after all, he always easily got women who will do whatever he wants in bed, as per my OP. Which I think his saying it was no big deal having one night devoid of his own pleasure. But ruin it by rambling about how women who satisfies him completely sexually can't hold him with them, which was what made me WTF, why even mention that? So that's the whole context.

dreamlady -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 10:48:18 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 He has normal sexual interests. I'm the one with abnormal sexual interests. He wants to go down on a woman and french kiss. I don't do any of that. Hate those things, don't enjoy it, rather not have sex at all, than to tolerate those awful things! So those things are banned in any sexual experience with me. Maybe the only other less than common, but quite common in bdsm, is anal play and sex, which is also banned in any sexual experience in me too. Oral sex and anal sex can be considered to be "normal" sexual interests, as they are not uncommon vanilla sexual practices. Your sexual menu and his sexual menu don't jive, and you're approaching this as if it were a BDSM play negotiation - which it isn't - where your line in the sand is treated as sacrosanct, whereas this man is crowing about how effective he is at pushing the envelope and getting his way. He actually sounds like a classic manipulator, as most successful businessmen are. quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance I ask, because he seemed to imply he had expectations of getting what he wanted anyway, despite your sexual incompatibilities. That would be my main concern, as someone ignoring hard limits can have some pretty serious consequences. Yea, I think this would be a concern too, if he means it that his gonna respect my limits. And my limits are limits that most men would balk at, understandably. But as I said, my limits are like normal stuffs that people do, so even if he trespass, I just get angry, and go off. Many men have male sexual entitlement issues. High-powered men are used to getting what they want in BOTH their professional and in their personal lives. It's like a chess game to them where they are constantly sizing up their opponents, a game of strategy where winning is everything -- where NOT winning signifies losing and implies being a loser. This man does not see himself as a loser, and he will protect this self-image. The unknown factor is at what cost, depending on what buttons may (inadvertently) get pushed beyond the scope of his usual self-control filter. The "bans" you have imposed will be inconsequential to him; in fact, it wouldn't surprise me if this isn't part of what is drawing him to you because you wouldn't be the typical notch on his bedpost. Furthermore, he has already forewarned you in his own way that he is a player, one who plays to win. In a battle of wills, he intends to prevail over women. quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 That would be the end of it. Nothing that would cause me serious harm. You don't know that. You are assuming that you will be in control of the situation and that this man is not sexually predatory. Actually, your gut instinct is telling you that he is. Please don't take this the wrong way, but you are a type of sexual predator in your own right -- only you are harmless to men. Don't let your guard down about how potentially dangerous any sexual predator could be just because you yourself mean others no harm. quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 I am not an anal virgin. My x-husband and my x-dom both had anal sex with me. I hated it with both of them. Anal plug, ass play, rimming, experienced them all. I gave them a chance to make me like it. They didn't manage to prove to me that anal is enjoyable. And yea, this dude isn't from here, his vanilla so not a bdsm dude. The sex will be very very vanilla. Just trying to figure out if his gonna turn out to be a good guy or bad guy. My bad, and I stand corrected. Nonetheless, whether your anal cherry has been popped really wasn't my point. Think of virginity in terms of The First. The first time a woman comes (during whatever kind of sex she previously couldn't enjoy) carries more weight than the first mechanical sex act which she has experienced. Consider how many guys are hung up on getting a woman to squirt! Just reaching orgasm isn't good enough anymore for some. Btw, non-consensual sexual assault isn't BDSM either and is very, very vanilla in nature. Best to heed this warning: quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ For all you know this guy is a very charming predator/rapist. quote: ORIGINAL: angelikaJ quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 That, that could really signal that his looking for non-consensual happenings. But the other thing is, I know where he works, his company, his been very open about where he lives, where he works, and I check it on the internet, there are articles about him, so he has a very public profile. For him to put himself at risk for rape, would be more jeopardizing for him than for me, and all I can say, in my country, as a foreigner misbehaving, they always treat you harsher than if a local was doing the same thing, his whole life will be ruin. That's why I thought, I was over-thinking this. That you have his information will not do you any good if you are dead. You may figure that he has more at stake to lose than you do, however, he may view himself as untouchable. Your word against his. He's an upstanding businessman. Who do you think the authorities there in Singapore will believe? A woman with BDSM perversions who enjoys rough sex and regularly has casual sexual encounters with multiple sex partners, who willingly went up to a respectable businessman's hotel room for the express purpose of having sex with him. He may be counting on the near-certain probability that your life as you know it would be ruined by making a public spectacle of yourself, that he could easily smear your reputation if push comes to shove, and that he can portray you as a vengeful woman scorned who has set out to destroy him. At the expense of sounding like a Mother Hen, don't let yourself get lulled into a false sense of security. DreamLady

Greta75 -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 10:59:23 AM)
Ok, let me post his exact words, so this is how he actually sounds. quote: I am finding it incredibly interesting and fascinating in chatting to you. We don't know each other but I can tell you my cock will go nowhere it is not welcome. I will respect your wishes as this liaison is about you not me. I can assure you I will do my best to pleasure you. If you don't want to kiss or do anything out of your comfort area that is fine and I will go along with it without any pressure or persuasion ....I hope that is clear. We may not be entirely compatible and it may be a once only experience but I think I can make you smile in a comfortable environment. It's true I ultimately would need more than I suspect you could or would be prepared to give but we know this. However, I like the idea of touching you intimately, fucking you hard, playing with your toys, watching you pleasure yourself and anything else you wish me to do. And conversing with you and finding out more about you. And this is his exact line that bothered me, I paraphrased it in my OP, maybe I paraphrased it to how I interpreted it in my OP. But below is the actual way he put it. quote: I seem to get women to accommodate my preferences quite easily. It's rather surprising how many women will do almost anything to keep their man happy. Of course it still doesn't guarantee the man will stay.

Greta75 -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 11:10:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: dreamlady Your word against his. He's an upstanding businessman. Who do you think the authorities there in Singapore will believe? A woman with BDSM perversions who enjoys rough sex and regularly has casual sexual encounters with multiple sex partners, who willingly went up to a respectable businessman's hotel room for the express purpose of having sex with him. He lives here and is based here for years. Has a home here, not hotel. He runs his own business here. I think he has alot to lose too first of all, to be outed as someone who even have casual sex, because like seriously, it's not accepted at all in our society and he will be frown upon for it. And to be involve with a local woman who accuse him of rape. People are very protective of local women here when they get assaulted by foreigners. I think it would be suicide, for both of us equally.

Greta75 -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 11:23:07 AM)
Anyway, even if I do meet him, I am not free till mid next month. Already got 2 FBs who is free for me this whole month. So got loads of time to get to know him better and decide. He actually asked me if I had an addiction on collecting FB's. Because I am totally honest with them all, about each other. Nothing to hide anyway. But this was how I always envisioned what being single is like when I was married! And I just lived it like I envisioned after my divorce. That you will still have sex in your life despite being single and still enjoy sex, with no strings attached, just with different men because no one man will be free for you whenever you are free, schedule conflicts always happen. I don't know when will I ever feel emotionally for any man ever again, so not gonna wait till that happens.

LadyConstanze -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 11:49:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: ORIGINAL: dreamlady Your word against his. He's an upstanding businessman. Who do you think the authorities there in Singapore will believe? A woman with BDSM perversions who enjoys rough sex and regularly has casual sexual encounters with multiple sex partners, who willingly went up to a respectable businessman's hotel room for the express purpose of having sex with him. He lives here and is based here for years. Has a home here, not hotel. He runs his own business here. I think he has alot to lose too first of all, to be outed as someone who even have casual sex, because like seriously, it's not accepted at all in our society and he will be frown upon for it. And to be involve with a local woman who accuse him of rape. People are very protective of local women here when they get assaulted by foreigners. I think it would be suicide, for both of us equally. Exactly, he might rely on the fact that you won't do it as - I might be wrong here though I doubt it - a woman who has casual sex is still regarded as "worse" than a guy who does the same, might not happen, but that's the worst case scenario, so in case something happens that you really didn't want, you have to suck it or end up being punished as well. Apart from the fact that it might be very very difficult to accuse him of rape if you went willingly to meet him, no matter if it is a hotel or a private residence and he has some of the emails you exchanged. I can't see the point of doing that anyway, in best case scenario, he fucks you, he does it like you want, it's not how he wants, so he will lose interest and most likely his hardon, which will also be frustrating for you.

dreamlady -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 12:52:48 PM)
Does anybody here remember seeing "Looking for Mr. Goodbar" starring a young Diane Keaton in 1977? (I did once it got broadcast on TV years later. [:-]) http://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/the-real-life-murder-behind-looking-for-mr-goodbar DreamLady

Greta75 -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 5:12:11 PM)
quote: woman who has casual sex is still regarded as "worse" than a guy who does the same She definitely is regarded worst than the guy, in terms of there will always be people say that she deserve it, because of her loose behaviour, but there has been consensual casual sex cases in the past, that turn to rape, that the guy got convicted. I mean, I've never seen unjust cases for such things in my country. The law here is always sympathetic towards women and sex crimes no matter what. I mean this is a country, where all a man needs to do is touch your elbow, and you can accuse him of molest and he gets thrown into jail. Alot of foreigners get in trouble because of this at clubs. I have an x-police in my office and he told us, the law works where, if a woman accuse the man of touching her inappropriately, even just non-sexual areas, shoulders/elbow, whatever, whether he did it or not, they will cuff him, throw him in jail and investigate. And for him to be release, he'd need to pay bail. It's actually alot crazier for the guy over here, on sex crimes. Also warning the guys to just hands off women, and letting ladies know their protective rights. I did nearly have a serious run-in with a real rapist from collarspace itself. But the difference is, that guy is new to Singapore and he just arrived here after 3 mths of chatting with me for his new job here and was completely unaware about the local justice system. This guy has lived here for more than 10 years, and been working here and has alot of stake here. So I personally cannot imagine him jeopardizing his livelihood especially knowing how it works around here. If he was prone to non-consensual things, I reckon he would be in trouble by now through the years.

LadyConstanze -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 5:35:46 PM)
Good heavens, I am so glad I live in a much saner part of the world, that is seriously fucked up

Greta75 -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 5:37:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze Good heavens, I am so glad I live in a much saner part of the world, that is seriously fucked up Why? It's really unacceptable for a man to touch a woman at all without her permission. I don't like it even if a man hugs me as a greeting, if his not my FB or BF. I would move away. I think it's just our culture, that women should not be touched at all, unless she agrees to it first. Really keeps sex crimes very very low. That's why I feel so safe over here.

angelikaJ -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 5:55:21 PM)
So basically, you were hoping we would tell you that you feelings should be ignored and of course, you should meet him. Since you are not free before next month maybe you will have time to read this book: http://www.amazon.com/The-Gift-Fear-Gavin-Becker/dp/0440226198 And I sincerely wish you well. Edit: This sounds much snarkier than it is meant. I am not sure why when you expressed your concern, and multiple people validated your feelings, why you then are arguing against their validation. But it is your decision.

Greta75 -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 6:04:36 PM)
No I am not looking for you guys to tell me that my feelings should be ignored. I am looking to read other forms of logic before I form my own opinion whether this is safe to go ahead. But as with any logic given, I naturally give a counter to it, because that's me processing it, if it makes sense. And all this while, conversations are ongoing between me and him, and I ask pretty direct questions to him. Of course a predator is not gonna admit being a predator, but I've downright told him that if anything non-consensual goes down, I have no qualms of going immediately to the authorities to let him know that his messing with the wrong person, and he took it very well. I kinda take that as a person who has no intention of doing anything illegal, otherwise, he should find an easier victim who isn't gonna kick up a stink.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 6:12:22 PM)
He's probably fine...maybe. I mean,sounds like you both laid your cards on the table. I'd still say if you recognize incompatibility and red flags you shouldn't ignore them. It isn't as if you are expecting, or wanting a long term situation and you aren't hurting for sex. Why take unnecessary risks? Not that a fabulous fuck isn't worth some risk. But, usually requires some compatibility.

Greta75 -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 6:17:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WinsomeDefiance He's probably fine...maybe. I mean,sounds like you both laid your cards on the table. I'd still say if you recognize incompatibility and red flags you shouldn't ignore them. It isn't as if you are expecting, or wanting a long term situation and you aren't hurting for sex. Why take unnecessary risks? Not that a fabulous fuck isn't worth some risk. But, usually requires some compatibility. As I said, I enjoy his intellectual company. And I seldom meet intellectual company with my great sexual experiences. And it's a different kind of sexual experience for me to have conversations that stimulates me before having sex. I mean, it's vanilla. I can do with just fucking, and foreplay is intellectual discourse. It's something different for me and his willing to go along with what I want in bed, according to him anyway. Usually when I do meet intellectual company, the sex negotiations usually ends there, since in most usual case, we both agree, sexually there is nothing there. And never meet. This is one of the rare cases, the guy says, he wants to meet anyway and will follow my rules. Usually my good sex are extremely boring mental company and doesn't have much opinions on anything and are just dull to talk to. While I am vacationing with my great sex compatibility buddy next 2 weeks, I am dreading all the time without sex, if I'm gonna be bored to death with his company. Hopefully he talks more with me. Just can't have the best of both worlds. I was telling this dude who is incompatible, even if we just lay naked in bed and talk till morning, non stop, that would be great too! I actually do have another FB who is American and that's practically what we do, lay naked in bed with each other and talk American politics till morning. That's fun for me!

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 6:49:08 PM)
It sounds like over-compartmentalism, on your part. You put your relationships into specific roles and don't see them outside those parameters. Maybe during toss two weeks spend time really getting to know your FB and doing things outside the bedroom. Just a friendly bit of constructive criticism from a total stranger lol. Hope you do have a great time in all your decisions, whatever they are.

WinsomeDefiance -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 6:51:19 PM)
WinsomeDefiance It sounds like over-compartmentalism, on your part. You put your relationships into specific roles and don't see them outside those parameters. Maybe during those two weeks spend time really getting to know your FB and doing things outside the bedroom. Just a friendly bit of constructive criticism from a total stranger lol. Hope you do have a great time in all your decisions, whatever they are. ETA your edit actually made my post a bit off! Editing to say that, and fix typos and quotes. Gah! I'm glad you are enjoying the intellectual intimacy. It's my favorite thing too.

Greta75 -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/6/2016 7:07:54 PM)
Yea, I compartmentalise everything. Quirk of mine. I'm also very systematic and pragmatic in the way I process things. Well, hopefully we will do things outside the bedroom together. He has sexual marathons plan for us. I mean, the relationship is very sexually based, so it's what it's based on. His an FB after all. And sexually, I really really enjoy him, as he matches me in every corner, including sex drive. Both of us are insatiable in the sense that the more we cum, the higher our sex drive goes. And you know what else we have in common? Both of us had physically and emotionally abusive mothers. It's kinda interesting that his never allowed his own kids near his mom, because he totally believe she would abuse them. The kids don't even know their grandma exists. I wonder if there is a correlation to that and our sex drives. Sexually, his practically my male counterpart. I just wish mentally it was so as well, but his a completely different person from me mentally. And his not interested in subjects I am interested in. I've asked his opinion on many things. He changes subject. And even our emails consist of him sharing nothing about himself, and just want to know what's going on in my world. Just not fun conversationist.

LadyConstanze -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/7/2016 5:38:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Greta75 quote: ORIGINAL: LadyConstanze Good heavens, I am so glad I live in a much saner part of the world, that is seriously fucked up Why? It's really unacceptable for a man to touch a woman at all without her permission. I don't like it even if a man hugs me as a greeting, if his not my FB or BF. I would move away. I think it's just our culture, that women should not be touched at all, unless she agrees to it first. Really keeps sex crimes very very low. That's why I feel so safe over here. Because I think men and women should be treated equally, the fact that a woman can scream rape if a guy touches her at the elbow is fucking weird, you obviously can't see the implications that any woman having a grudge against a man can just claim he touched her inappropriately and the guy then is in trouble, because according to your own words "If she's local the police and public will take her side..." A guy can lose about anything because some psycho with a grudge makes a claim and you think that's great? Women AND men should not be touched without permission, simple as that. Seriously, you think it's great that you do live in a place where you have to hide that you like sex? How great will that place be if one of your lovers gets pissed off and tells the world about what you do? Then you would be treated like a leaper, just for enjoying sex the way you want to. Yeah, sounds like such a great place to me, as in HELL NO.

WickedsDesire -> RE: How should I perceive this message? (1/7/2016 6:09:54 AM)
So there is this guy who I intellectually connect with, and am considering a casual night of sexual fun with him. Then First of all, when we spoke detailedly about our sexual preferences, we are world's apart. Then And his not interested in subjects I am interested in. Something is amiss with you narratives, gravely so.

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