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The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 3:01:03 AM

Greta75

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I read a comment online about why people settle.

I've never seen it from this angle before.

Someone explain it that people who settle wants control and power.

Because, when you are emotionally too much into the person, you lose power and control.

When you settle for someone who is pretty good on all areas on textbook points, good man, reliable man, family man, all the good stuffs, except, you don't feel all the magical feelings for this person, you will never be at his mercy, as you're not that into him. You've settled for him.

What ya all think?

Post #: 1

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 5:19:05 AM

Cell

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That's one way of looking at it.
I have a question... Who is more brave? The person who does something they are afraid of, or the person who does the same thing and yet isn't afraid.

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Post #: 2

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 5:32:23 AM

peppermint

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Many of us have an idealized notion of what we are seeking. Seldom do we ever meet a person who matches everything on that list.

I do not believe that settling on someone who does not match the ideal is a way of keeping power. I think settling is a reality check that finding someone who meets all those criteria is probably never going to happen. As has been said time and time again, no one is perfect. In the majority of cases I do not believe it has anything to do with keeping power.

Let me use myself for an example. I was looking for a male dominant within a year or so of my age. I wanted him to live fairly close by so we could get together at least a couple times a month. As to looks, I had no ideal in my head but had a preference for long hair.

I met Gary at a kinky campout. He had a big belly. He belly breathes as he has lost elasticity in his upper chest. He was bald except for the fringe around the edges that he shaved off. He had major health issues and after having lost my last 2 relationships to health issues, I was not sure I wanted to face that again. He was 10 years older than I and he lived 600 miles away part of the year and 1500 miles away the rest of the year.

Six months after meeting him I quit my job and flew to AZ for the winter to live with him in a motor home. I would have missed out on so much if I'd kept to the ideal of what I was seeking. We decided to visit every national park in the west so every time we traveled north and south we'd plan on seeing at least one more park. We made a ton of friends together and each shared the friends we already had. Living in a motor home was the happiest time of my life. It was more than fantastic.

Just recently the relationship changed from D/s to me being a caregiver. (shrugs) Not always easy to do but you do what is necessary for someone you have loved for so long. He certainly does not fit the ideal of what I was seeking now. He's shrunk to being my size which is short, he lost so much weight that he weighs what he did in elementary school, his mind is sometimes a bit fuzzy. Heck he is 75 with major health issues and I am proud to say I kept him alive more than once over the years.

I did not settle for Gary. I embraced a wonderful man who gave me a life I didn't know existed. Settling had nothing to do with keeping power. Settling meant that I had a life I had not even dared to dream of living.

_____________________________

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Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

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Post #: 3

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 5:34:31 AM

Cinnamongirl67

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I'll bite... I will be a fish today.

It could be likened to power and control, I guess? Or I could see where people could come to this conclusion.
There is no perfect relationship. At least I have never known of any myself. It would be wonderful to think there is though, hiding somewhere out of sight. Maybe there is? Let's hope.
In my own personal world, when one really thinks about it, I didn't really settle. I looked for things that were the most important thing to me. What I needed in my life. What I could deal with and what I couldn't. What direction was I wanting to go?
For me it was compatibility in life direction, common interests and someone interested in helping me get to a place, and I in return help.
To be candid, if sex is like super duper important and you expect fireworks all the time.... Well this could happen... But statistically the fire in general burns down to a slow steady warmth over time.
The chances of every box in your criteria list being checked is very low. It's about finding what is core to you, I think. This is just how I work, it will be interesting to see others responses.

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(in reply to Greta75)

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RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 6:01:13 AM

freedomdwarf1

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Great post peppermint!!

quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint
I did not settle for Gary. I embraced a wonderful man who gave me a life I didn't know existed. Settling had nothing to do with keeping power. Settling meant that I had a life I had not even dared to dream of living.

I think that final paragraph says it all for most people in a successful relationship.

Greta, as usual, is so caught up in her little bubble of sexual dominance in her microcosmic world just doesn't understand normal human behaviour.

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RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 6:07:28 AM

Greta75

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quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1
Greta, as usual, is so caught up in her little bubble of sexual dominance in her microcosmic world just doesn't understand normal human behaviour.

Actually, my post is about meeting a textbook perfect man, someone who is what everyone else think you should be with, it's a practical relationship but having no feelings for him.
Nothing to do with, not loving someone because they are lacking in looks or whatever.
I feel like Peppermint example, all I read was, she dated someone who is not her typical physical appearance type or something? That's not what this is about. She obviously had feelings for him to go ahead. I mean, unless she was saying in the beginning, there was this guy who was everything she didn't want in a man, but was chasing her, and she decided to just settle, because it's better to be loved than to love or something. And she never regretted the decision. So did she settle for him in the beginning even though she did not love him at all? If you felt love for the man who did not meet your check list, that's not settling, because you fell in love. And falling inlove is emotional and not practical. I'm talking about settling for someone you have no love for because he fits all the practical bits.

I'm talking about being with someone because his perfect, but there are no feelings. And women do that, why? Because of power and control. Because you have the upper hand when you have no feelings, whereas the guy is madly inlove with you and would do anything for you.

And it happens alot that someone who is textbook perfect and you know will make a good reliable man, even loved by your family but you can't muster the feelings for him.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/20/2016 6:24:40 AM >

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 6

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 6:07:30 AM

Cinnamongirl67

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That really was a lovely post, peppermint.

I would also like to add, I like your thread Greta.
With that added information you gave....to me it is as simple as this.
You want to at the very least have good feelings toward the individual. If you don't, No WAY.

< Message edited by Cinnamongirl67 -- 2/20/2016 6:15:37 AM >

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RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 6:24:30 AM

freedomdwarf1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1
Greta, as usual, is so caught up in her little bubble of sexual dominance in her microcosmic world just doesn't understand normal human behaviour.

Actually, my post is about meeting a textbook perfect man, someone who is what everyone else think you should be with, it's a practical relationship but having no feelings for him.

And this is the exact reason I said what I did.

Nobody, unless they are either service oriented, or a fool, would go into such a relationship or think that it would be a good one to have.

The majority of people have a relationship that is based on some form of perceived love; even if that is very shallow and is on looks alone or the fact that they love the size of the man's wallet.

The only exception I have ever seen that contradicts this is where the culture is such that others are in charge of the match-making process (Islamics etc).

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
And it happens alot that someone who is textbook perfect and you know will make a good reliable man, even loved by your family but you can't muster the feelings for him.

This doesn't normally happen in western cultures - at least from my observations.

< Message edited by freedomdwarf1 -- 2/20/2016 6:26:15 AM >

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

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RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 6:34:45 AM

Greta75

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quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1
This doesn't normally happen in western cultures - at least from my observations.

Where I read about this, there were plenty of western women sharing their experiences about this. But nobody admits that they ever settled and went ahead with it. They talk about the perfect guy, but can't muster love for the guy.

But you have men who contributed , western men who wrote in and said, they felt their wife settled for them, because of what they could provide, not because she loved him. There were even men writing in saying they loved the girl so much, they don't care if she settled for him.

I'm just saying, the reason any woman would go through this path, instead of choosing love, is for control and power. And this statement was not my own statement but throughout the comment section, someone brought up this theory, and I never seen it that way before, now it makes sense!

Because the traditional view was, women chose security over love but I guess it's linked. Security comes with having control, and having control, comes with being with someone who cares about you more than you care about him.

< Message edited by Greta75 -- 2/20/2016 6:41:10 AM >

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Post #: 9

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 7:00:08 AM

Cinnamongirl67

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I am not going to google, I am going to shoot (talk) straight from the hip.
How much power or respect are given to women in Singapore?

Not to say we still don't live in the dark ages in many ways but we have woman of power here, who are respected. Some women will default to a man leader though, even if powerful, because they believe traditionally cream of the crop Men, trump female power.

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RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 7:17:09 AM

freedomdwarf1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
I'm just saying, the reason any woman would go through this path, instead of choosing love, is for control and power. And this statement was not my own statement but throughout the comment section, someone brought up this theory, and I never seen it that way before, now it makes sense!

Not true for most western cultures/people Greta, as per Cinn's post.
But, as always, you can always find contradictions to anything out there but that doesn't make it 'normal' or 'usual' or amount to anything significant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
Because the traditional view was, women chose security over love but I guess it's linked.

That is just soooo pre-Victorian!
Once women attained their personal freedoms, that view went the way of the Dodo.
Perhaps such freedoms aren't yet realized by women in Singapore yet?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
Security comes with having control, and having control, comes with being with someone who cares about you more than you care about him.

Sorry, you are barking up the wrong tree.
Security does not come with having control.
It might do in your little world but not the world at large.

It helps if you are in control but by itself is no security at all.
Try telling that to: Mussolini, Yasser Arafat, Gaddafi, Lenin, Mao Tse Tung, Pol Pot etc etc etc.

_____________________________

“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

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RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 7:20:26 AM

peppermint

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

I'm talking about being with someone because his perfect, but there are no feelings. And women do that, why? Because of power and control. Because you have the upper hand when you have no feelings, whereas the guy is madly inlove with you and would do anything for you.

And it happens alot that someone who is textbook perfect and you know will make a good reliable man, even loved by your family but you can't muster the feelings for him.

Sorry, Greta, that is not what I understood when I read your first post. What I now understand is that the person IS perfect or pretty nearly so. However, you can't muster feelings for that person but begin a relationship because you either feel you should or because of family and friend pressure.

I couldn't start any relationship with someone I didn't like. Peer pressure is not going to make me accept someone. Again, this has nothing to do with trying to keep the power in a relationship. I personally think someone who enters a relationship like that is odd, crazy in the head. Perhaps their motive to begin the relationship might have to do with being a mental masochist. Perhaps they get off on denying themselves real happiness. Perhaps they get off on a relationship that will never be close, will never be loving, will never really be more than individuals with benefits (can't even use friends here).

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 12

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 7:30:42 AM

freedomdwarf1

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This was exactly my point peppermint

Greta lives in cloud cuckoo land in a very tiny country that is isolated and in many ways, quite backward compared to the usual western society that a lot of us take for granted.

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“If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.”

George Orwell, 1903-1950

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RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 7:37:38 AM

DaddySatyr

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In my experience, it's not the one who "settles" (what an awful word when used to describe romantic relationships!), it is usually the person who is least emotionally invested.

It's a fine line to walk ... when I really care about a lady, when her very presence is pleasing to me, in order to maintain the power in the relationship, I have to be willing to let that relationship go, if and when a "deal breaker" is violated. There are many who will draw a line in the sand and, when it's crossed, will ignore the infraction (or even blame themselves).

It's true, there are times that I don't make certain small issues very clear and those issues can change from time to time (sometimes, it's nice, when my lady puts a cup of soda next to me without my having to ask for it, but sometimes, I'm ready to go to bed and that soda goes to waste), but it's also true that "deal breakers" rarely change.

I'm rambling. let me give an example: ANY lady that I allow into my life and my home is someone very special and dear to me, but if she lies, even about something minuscule, she's done with me.

Her absence will affect me and probably even hurt for a while, but in the long run, my life will be better off.

Cold? maybe, but to the point of the thread (sort of): a modicum of emotional clarity keeps my hand strong.

Michael

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RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 7:53:53 AM

peppermint

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quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75

I'm talking about being with someone because his perfect, but there are no feelings. And women do that, why? Because of power and control. Because you have the upper hand when you have no feelings, whereas the guy is madly inlove with you and would do anything for you.

And it happens alot that someone who is textbook perfect and you know will make a good reliable man, even loved by your family but you can't muster the feelings for him.

Sorry, Greta, that is not what I understood when I read your first post. What I now understand is that the person IS perfect or pretty nearly so. However, you can't muster feelings for that person but begin a relationship because you either feel you should or because of family and friend pressure.

I couldn't start any relationship with someone I didn't like. Peer pressure is not going to make me accept someone. Again, this has nothing to do with trying to keep the power in a relationship. I personally think someone who enters a relationship like that is odd, crazy in the head. Perhaps their motive to begin the relationship might have to do with being a mental masochist. Perhaps they get off on denying themselves real happiness. Perhaps they get off on a relationship that will never be close, will never be loving, will never really be more than individuals with benefits (can't even use friends here).

Edited to add...

On the other hand there are women who enter a relationship with no feelings. One motive they have might be financial security. They might need that financial security more than they need a loving relationship. Again, it has nothing to do with wanting power or control. It is satisfying a different need.

_____________________________

We are stardust, we are golden, and we got to get ourselves back to the garden.

Yes, I am crazy about feathered creatures. I have a dozen chickens, 3 ducks, 5 geese, and 2 parakeets.

Revise that number. Just got 14 new chicks and 5 turkeys.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 15

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 8:16:01 AM

LadyPact

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
I read a comment online about why people settle.

I've never seen it from this angle before.

Someone explain it that people who settle wants control and power.

Little bit of a different angle or the same one with a twist. The one who cares the least is the easier person to walk away. When you are not emotionally connected to a person, there's less of all of that stuff that most people put in the "grieving the former relationship" category.

quote:

Because, when you are emotionally too much into the person, you lose power and control.

Maybe. I often see people less likely to end a relationship with someone they are emotionally attached to because they don't want to do the grieving, are afraid of being single/lonely, or a variety of other reasons. How many threads do we see that are roughly "my spouse doesn't provide me kink but I'm not leaving because of x, y, z?" Love, kids, money, the mortgage, etc, etc, etc. If we're interpreting those things as forms of power or control, I'm probably with you.

quote:

When you settle for someone who is pretty good on all areas on textbook points, good man, reliable man, family man, all the good stuffs, except, you don't feel all the magical feelings for this person, you will never be at his mercy, as you're not that into him. You've settled for him.

This part I'm a little iffy on because if that was just the criteria that made the magical "in love" feelings to happen, basically, people would just be "in love" with anybody who had the right qualities. We know that emotions don't work that way for most people. If they did, you'd be "in love" (romantically) with a bunch of people who happen to be roaming they planet as long as they were scoring high enough on your criteria card.

quote:

What ya all think?

I'm actually agreeing with you that *some* people settle for their monogamous or primary partners.

When you ask any given person why they married their spouse, a very high majority of the time, you'll get the reply that they love them or some version that they love each other. That's awesome. It's very cool to be in love and most people want to have a romantic component to their partnership. However, it's not all. How about want to have kids, don't want to be alone, financial security, and all of the other things people want, even if love isn't involved? Sometimes, those are the primary reason.

Here's where at least *some* poly people can view this differently. Why did I marry MP? Because we fell in love. That means that my romantic component is already being fulfilled, so it's not a requirement in a secondary relationship for me. It can be or it can just as easily not be.

Why did we become poly? If it was for love, I'd have a vanilla boyfriend. I don't and I don't want one. Primary reason(s) to express my sadistic and D/s side. Perfect example of "not for love". (Please don't confuse me with other poly people who's primary reason is love because I'm not putting my reasons off on them.)

OK, I trimmed this a bit but it's cool.

quote:

ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1
Nobody, unless they are either service oriented, or a fool, would go into such a relationship or think that it would be a good one to have.

The only exception I have ever seen that contradicts this is where the culture is such that others are in charge of the match-making process (Islamics etc).

This doesn't normally happen in western cultures - at least from my observations.

I think we see this differently and there's a very good reason why we have different views. We've got more leather folks on this side of the pond (and I'm saying it as a subculture) than you guys do. The "not for love" thing has been very common in the leather community through the years. This has shifted as the years have gone along and more people are gravitating to the "in love with your s" thing, so that's more the majority now. However, there is still a certain percentage out there where the M/s is a service based relationship, which is more like employer/employee type parallels. It's just that the perks are they do it for free, you get to beat on them, and it may come with or without sexual benefits. Romance or "in love" is not necessarily a part of the job description.

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(in reply to Greta75)

Post #: 16

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 9:42:49 AM

WickedsDesire

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Lovely words @peppermint

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Post #: 17

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/20/2016 9:53:56 AM

DesFIP

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It's not about power. It's about realistically separating what you need from what you want.
If your needs are met, then it's easier to ignore the stuff you wish you could have but can happily live without. After all, if you're living without those things by yourself, then do you really need them with someone else?

With that said, there are people who do need to feel emotionally safe and know that when they are vulnerable because of opening up to the other, then they won't feel safe.

I've known men who habitually have affairs because they fear losing their partner, and have it in their head that if they are physically poly, that they're safe. In reality, what happens is that eventually their partners decide to end the relationship and they get emotionally abandoned even though they sought to avoid that through their behavior.

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Post #: 18

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 2/21/2016 12:34:07 AM

dreamlady

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From: Western MD
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Greta75
I read a comment online about why people settle.

I've never seen it from this angle before.

Someone explain it that people who settle wants control and power.

Because, when you are emotionally too much into the person, you lose power and control.

When you settle for someone who is pretty good on all areas on textbook points, good man, reliable man, family man, all the good stuffs, except, you don't feel all the magical feelings for this person, you will never be at his mercy, as you're not that into him. You've settled for him.

What ya all think?

Interesting, and complex, with many different motivations.

Forget control and power for a moment. Time and time again, I see people get involved in relationships or choose their enduring friendships based on one primary motivation. Acceptance.

That person accepts you for who you are, and you accept (at least initially) them for who they are.

A better way to put that is, you feel accepted, and you make the other person feel accepted.

The game changer is when you no longer feel "good enough" or when you start making the other person feel as though they aren't "good enough" for you anymore.

That's when power and control, and the rest of the game-changing elements come into play.
In other words, your wants and/or their wants change. I believe that individual *wants* can be worked out. (Notwithstanding the fact that relationships are fluid and not stagnant, so people change over time, priorities shift. Needs, wants and desires can and do change.) It's when you are not being honest with yourself and/or with your mate about your respective *needs* that the couple can reach an unbridgeable impasse.

Beyond that, the hour is too late for me to think more clearly than this.

DreamLady

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Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation. ~José Marti

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Post #: 19

RE: The one who settles has all the power - 3/4/2016 11:53:32 AM

thompsonx

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ORIGINAL: freedomdwarf1

This was exactly my point peppermint

Greta lives in cloud cuckoo land in a very tiny country that is isolated and in many ways, quite backward compared to the usual western society that a lot of us take for granted.

How did you know she lives in idaho?

(in reply to freedomdwarf1)

Post #: 20

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