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New dominants? - 2/27/2016 10:12:24 PM

SuaveGentleman

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Joined: 2/14/2016
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Hello

I know I faced this at one point of time, so I am asking this to know how the consensus stands now.

As a submissive or a slave or a little, would you choose a top (dom / master / daddy) who is new and does not have past experience?

By all accounts, I have heard no most of the time. I am not judging in any way - quite a few bits of this is serious, and you want to be with someone who has been there, done that and knows what they are doing. It makes complete sense from a safety and assurance perspective. Also possibly from a pleasure perspective - experience has its value.

On the other hand, I am sure many dominants have been through the phase of "fake it till you make it". While the above logic is perfectly legit, many wonder how they will ever get started in the lifestyle if everyone needs to be experienced.

I'll be honest, I have faced the same situation myself. It was probably made a little easier because I was in a committed relationship at that point so it made the hurdle a little easier by excluding the hunt and the convincing. I am sure so have some others, but not all.

How did you go about it in your early days? How do subs / slaves see it now?

- asn

< Message edited by SuaveGentleman -- 2/27/2016 10:13:07 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: New dominants? - 2/27/2016 11:22:39 PM

tastytart

Posts: 4
Joined: 5/11/2004
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I'll answer this for becoming a top.. I'm working on right now....

You start by getting to know people, reading books, taking classes... You'll slowly gain experience. Start slow... don't fake it. that can get people hurt.

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

Post #: 2

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 1:18:27 AM

SuaveGentleman

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Joined: 2/14/2016
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I have heard several people mention "taking classes". Maybe due to my country this sounds quite foreign. Could someone please explain?

(in reply to tastytart)

Post #: 3

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 1:56:37 AM

rrivrsong

Posts: 13
Joined: 8/1/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SuaveGentleman

I have heard several people mention "taking classes". Maybe due to my country this sounds quite foreign. Could someone please explain?

Hi there...classes, workshops, demonstrations, discussions about all things BDSM-ish are offered via common interest groups all over the US, and I suppose in several other countries. Since the birth of the internet/world wide web, I think the sharing of this kind of information has exploded faster than anyone could possibly keep up with. It's a great thing for folks of our ilk to have such a wide knowledge stream, but it can also be a bit tricky to be faced with SO MUCH data. Feel free to message me if you want to chat about it further, or we can chat here in the forums.

Regards,

r.

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

Post #: 4

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 10:41:38 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Here it's legal to have a club which meets where people can do these things in public. So you can watch someone doing ties or flogging or bastinado. Usually the person doing will afterwards, or next time, be fine with explaining to you how to do this safely. If there's enough interest that person will offer to run a class at the club. Classes are usually held during the day time and the participants come back later for the regular club party.

We went to a shibari class a couple of years back since The Man does damsel in distress type ties which is a different form of rope work.

However, you can learn the less edgy stuff at home. From books or videos. What you need to do is spend the time to practice.

You can practice impact play on a pillow. You want to have sufficient control that the pillow barely moves or that it flattens. You don't want to split the cover and have feathers all over because if you did that to a person, she'd be bleeding and needing stitches and you would have to explain what happened to the police.

Crop or whip of any kind? Clothespin tissues to a clothes line in your room and practice being able to barely ripple the tissue without tearing it.

But you have to be willing to put the practice time in. I'm told it can be the better part of a year to become competent at wielding a whip, even after you've watched others and taken a class or workshop.

If you aren't interested in investing that time, then don't use that implement.

To spank someone safely probably takes no more than ten minutes to learn where not to hit and then half an hour spanking your own thigh to learn how much pressure to use to do it lightly for warm ups and then heavier and then back to light to finish.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 2/28/2016 10:53:03 AM >

_____________________________

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RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 11:09:28 AM

SuaveGentleman

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Thats some good advice. Thanks FIP.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 6

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 2:38:27 PM

shiftyw

Posts: 2837
Joined: 6/6/2013
From: The Shire
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I'm in the 6th year of my relationship. He had no experience. He does now.

Being new is never a problem. Being new and unable to admit you need to learn/grow is a problem. Being new and being unable to except criticism- is a problem.

He did the reading and research. He asked me and took my opinion to heart. And so forth.

He is someone who quietly and calmly can keep me in line. I can go from hot headed tiger to mewing kitten in a matter of minutes- and that was just something that was "there" with him from the start. I do think being able to know who is going to take the time to learn and get experience is an important part. There is also a certain humility he had to have for me to trust him- he couldn't think he was some dick swinging hot shot boss in the bedroom right away- his humble attitude went a long way for me.

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

Post #: 7

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 3:51:09 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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~FR

*queue ominous music*
**don flame proof suit**
*** preparing to chuckle uncontrollably as people go

***

Okay, being a Dominant is like being blue eyed... you are or you're not. Now, you can get contacts that make your eyes blue, but in the end, you're still not blue eyed.

Soooooo... you can be a Dominant that is new to topping, you can be a top that is new to topping, but you'll not ever be a top that's new to Dominance (see blue eyed reference).

Have you ever seen a submissive/passive military general? Nope, you have not. They are domineering dicks that climbed through the ranks on the spines of others crushing them along the way. Now, they may have been (are) subordinate, but not submissive.

FLAME ON!!!!

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to shiftyw)

Post #: 8

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 3:58:07 PM

LilJuly76

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Joined: 1/9/2016
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I used to be part of workshops, most people liked to watch, they didn't want to participate so I was the one to always be volunteered.

as for teaching a newer Dominant, I do not have patience for it, I would finally just give up on the situation.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 9

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 4:04:54 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

I used to be part of workshops, most people liked to watch, they didn't want to participate so I was the one to always be volunteered.

as for teaching a newer Dominant, I do not have patience for it, I would finally just give up on the situation.

Again, you are or you are not. Learning to top, figuring out the shit you like or the stuff you want to participate in is the acquired knowledge of the lifestyle. When I walk into the room it's always burger king for me, I'm gunna have it my way.

I'm not too closet regarding the lifestyle... so I always shake my head when someone that knows I'm "lifestyle" asks me to teach them to Dom when I know they don't have it in them. I offer to teach them top stuff, but it's usually someone whose life is such a trainwreck that they want an /s to come and fix it, thinking they can boss an /s into waving a magic wand and all is right in the world.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to LilJuly76)

Post #: 10

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 4:18:51 PM

LilJuly76

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Joined: 1/9/2016
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I think maybe for people that can be Dominants it might be how they are made, I'm not explaining that right. I have a sister that isn't in the lifestyle but she's a very Dominant persona, I snicker to myself how she treats her boyfriends because she's always Dominant with them, not bossy but Dominant.

oh yes someone asked me to teach them how to be a slave once, she walked away when she found out I didn't go around saying to every man "oh yes Master F*** me hard Master."

< Message edited by LilJuly76 -- 2/28/2016 4:20:38 PM >

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 11

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 4:20:43 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

I think maybe for people that can be Dominants it might be how they are made, I'm not explaining that right. I have a sister that isn't in the lifestyle but she's a very Dominant persona, I snicker to myself how she treats her boyfriends because she's always Dominant with them, not bossy but Dominant.

See, that's it right there. You're either a naturally Dominant personality or you're not. Yeah, you can learn to be a bossy ass, but if dominance isn't in your nature, you will falter.

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to LilJuly76)

Post #: 12

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 4:23:10 PM

LilJuly76

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exactly, I have a very submissive personality, it does great in my BDSM life but in the vanilla world at times it could suck, I find sometimes people just treat me badly and I have a hard time sticking up for myself when they do that. So I would definitely fail in the Dominant category. However a submissive on this site did want to pay me for tying him up and slapping him around.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 13

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 4:27:08 PM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LilJuly76

exactly, I have a very submissive personality, it does great in my BDSM life but in the vanilla world at times it could suck, I find sometimes people just treat me badly and I have a hard time sticking up for myself when they do that. So I would definitely fail in the Dominant category. However a submissive on this site did want to pay me for tying him up and slapping him around.

That's where the synergy of a good D/s dynamic comes into play. I'd polish my boots on anyones ass that treated you badly, that's my job and I guard it jealously ;)

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to LilJuly76)

Post #: 14

RE: New dominants? - 2/28/2016 4:45:08 PM

dreamlady

Posts: 737
Joined: 9/13/2007
From: Western MD
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SuaveGentleman

As a submissive or a slave or a little, would you choose a top (dom / master / daddy) who is new and does not have past experience?

The way I understand it, this would depend upon the temperament and/or experience level of the submissive (either being inexperienced and being willing to take chances, or having had negative experiences in the past with a new Dominant).

ExiledTyrant and LilJuly76 have brought up good points in making the distinction between those who are naturally Dominant and those who are Tops for bottoms.

Generally, a bottom (who may or may not be an s-type) will prefer a Top who is experienced in technique, if at all possible.
Since you are interested in female submissives, they tend to not want to be the experimental guinea pig for an inexperienced Top; whereas many male submissives don't let that stand in the way of getting their kink/fetish itches scratched.

Someone who identifies as an s-type and wants a D/s relationship dynamic of ownership, may be open to the idea of showing a new Dom-Master-Daddy the ropes (no pun), but submissives tend to feel uncomfortable taking on the role of the more experienced partner in a mentoring capacity when there is a sizeable learning curve between the two. A small gap may not present much of a problem, one that can be easily bridged.

DreamLady

_____________________________

Love is born with the pleasure of looking at each other, it is fed with the necessity of seeing each other, it is concluded with the impossibility of separation. ~José Marti

(in reply to SuaveGentleman)

Post #: 15

RE: New dominants? - 2/29/2016 4:31:28 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I actually never blame s-types who have a preference for a D who is more experienced than themselves. If I was going to give somebody authority over me, I'd want them to have a darn good idea of what that really means. You want to make decisions for me? You'd better have some experience in making decisions for more than just yourself in life. Most people are competent at running their own life. (At least let's hope so.) There has to be something in them that makes them competent to run another person's life. That can come from personality traits, life experience, job experience, etc, etc, etc. It can come down to something as simple as the way two people interact because one prefers to lead and the other person prefers to follow but I see that happen more in real life. The internet version of a D-type just picking a label from the drop down menu and expecting s-types to go hook, line, and sinker for whatever that D-type has as a preconceived notion of how the whole D/s thing works generally doesn't pan out so well. That's when we get the "why won't anybody give a shot to a D with no experience" because they can't seem to figure it out.

As mentioned above, being a top is a different thing entirely. Anybody can learn how to do it. Some topping skills are more complicated than others and people's grasp of those skills may vary but it's like anything else. The more you do it, the better you get at it. There's nothing wrong with starting small and working your way up, either. Have fun as you're learning. Practice is a good thing and is something that is required for certain skills. Would you want somebody coming at you with a single-tail if they hadn't bothered to learn how to use it? Light you on fire? Hang you from the ceiling? Well, if you'd want somebody to know what they are doing before they did it to you, learn how to do it before doing it to somebody else.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to dreamlady)

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RE: New dominants? - 2/29/2016 4:45:37 AM

LilJuly76

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Joined: 1/9/2016
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I have been really lucky in all of my D/s or M/s dynamics, a few potentials at the time I found online, soon as I met them in reality, I realized they weren't who they said they were so I ended it.

(in reply to ExiledTyrant)

Post #: 17

RE: New dominants? - 2/29/2016 4:48:12 AM

LilJuly76

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you summed up my feelings exactly dreamlady, I don't feel comfortable in that role so I prefer more exprienced Dominants.

(in reply to dreamlady)

Post #: 18

RE: New dominants? - 2/29/2016 4:56:15 AM

LilJuly76

Posts: 1245
Joined: 1/9/2016
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I ask a lot of questions when "Dominants" or those that self identify as "Dominants" contact me online. that's how I figure out for sure if something could be possible.

one person contacted me, which happened to be local, after asking a handful of D type questions I figured out he was labeling himself Dominant to get sex from submissives. He kept trying to describe what sex would be like with him. I told him I'm a submissive not a hooker. I also provided links to vanilla dating sites cause that's all he wanted anyways. I also told him he shouldn't be labeling himself Dominant if he didn't know anything about D/s and all he wanted was hot sex. He wanted my phone number to talk instead of communicating online and I said I only give out my phone number to those that I agree to meet and have a relationship with of some kind, even if it was just a play partner. He asked me what is play? I just laughed right there.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 19

RE: New dominants? - 2/29/2016 5:44:28 AM

ExiledTyrant

Posts: 4547
Joined: 12/9/2013
From: Exiled
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Meine Schwester,

I feel that deference is most likely the best clue in finding a D worth their salt. Sans deference, you just have a control freak posing as a D. I manage my life pretty well, I'm quite good at managing others lives as well... obviously, I've been named executor of more estates than I can count the last five years... but I blame deference for most of that. I manage wot I must and defer the rest to wot they can handle.

My ego is huge, but it's healthy and that gives me the luxury of handing over (deferring) job X to the one more capable. I'm not a fan of the railroad, so I'll avoid anyone that strikes me as Casey Jones, and if it looks like I have to micromanage someone, I am out.

All that said, I am not a top. I do wot I like, I will do it at home, I will do it at a club, I will do it in a box, I will do it with a fox, I will do it here or there, I will do it anywhere... but that's the difference, I am not a playing top. I don't need to accumulate a broad array of top skills to get out and play. Wot I do is intense, intimate, and pretty exclusive. That's the reason I often say "D" isn't the golden panty ticket, a well skilled top is the golden panty ticket. D's do wot they like, not necessarily (if ever) do wot you like.

Jus sayin

_____________________________

Gnothi Seauton
To lead, first follow: Aurelius, Epictetus, Descartes, Sun Tzu, to name a few.

Semper fidelis (which sometimes feels like a burden)

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 20

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