RE: Monogamy?

RE: Monogamy? (Full Version)

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DarkSteven -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 10:45:33 AM)
One of my beefs with the lifestyle is the imprecision of definitions. I define three levels of relationships here, above friendship : 1. Play only, no sex and no romantic feelings. 2. Sex only, no romantic feelings. 3. Romantic feelings. My sub and I are very poly on level 1. (We call it being polyspankerous.) We are mono on levels 2 and 3.

HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 11:07:59 AM)
Wow. Can open....worms everywhere! To answer one specific question to me, asking how the dictionary definition relates to my relationship, here are a few examples- "the fact or custom if having a sexual relationship or marriage with only one person at a time", "the state or practice of having only one sexual partner during a period of time", they all pretty much say the same thing. And yep, that's what it means to me in simple terms, but again, to.me it's about more than sex.

LadyPact -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 11:10:48 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DarkSteven One of my beefs with the lifestyle is the imprecision of definitions. I define three levels of relationships here, above friendship : 1. Play only, no sex and no romantic feelings. 2. Sex only, no romantic feelings. 3. Romantic feelings. My sub and I are very poly on level 1. (We call it being polyspankerous.) We are mono on levels 2 and 3. I think we're on the same wavelength with this. We do it with everything. For example, you are a Dominant. The person who knows enough to ask will continue by asking what kind of Dominant are you? Your definition won't match that of everyone else because your dynamic won't look like Tom and Jane's, and Tom and Jane, won't be like Tim and Teresa. Even here, we're different because I don't necessarily consider play partners (I swing they flogger, they get flogged) as poly in my mind. There isn't necessarily any intimacy, relationship, sexual 'thing' going on. Other people do, and that's cool because they consider all play intimate or sexual. Unlike some, I see service arrangements as poly, while some people will not. Being a person who has had employees in the past, which, in my opinion, is the best parallel we've got for service based dynamics, there can be a relationship there, but it's not what most people think of it as being one. You just get really cool fringe benefits.

HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 11:19:32 AM)
And I wasnt trying to start any argument or "right and wrong" thong here. I simply noticed the poly section and asked why there wasn't a mono one. Yes, like I've said, to me mono is the only option. I could not live any other way. I don't have any specific arguments, technical facts or figures, historical or cultural reasoning behind it. It's just what I believe in. The thought of being with more than one person, or my partner being with anyone other than me is abhorrent to me. I don't know exactly why that is, it just is. To the one who said I've only gone on about poly here. Maybe because that's the part I don't understand. I have no reason to question monogamy because I get it. I have nothing to question. I wanted a discussion on monogamy but I mostly got replies from poly people. I'm not going to blank them

LadyPact -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 11:24:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisForLife71 Wow. Can open....worms everywhere! To answer one specific question to me, asking how the dictionary definition relates to my relationship, here are a few examples- "the fact or custom if having a sexual relationship or marriage with only one person at a time", "the state or practice of having only one sexual partner during a period of time", they all pretty much say the same thing. And yep, that's what it means to me in simple terms, but again, to.me it's about more than sex. See, but this is good. Knowing what your relationship parameters for YOU is pretty nifty. To you, there's sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity, play/BDSM type of infidelity. You absolutely WILL be the kind of person who says cyber sex to you is cheating. Emotional ties to the same level as your relationship IS cheating and you have a strong opinion, for yourself, about that. Totally cool from where I sit.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 11:32:32 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisForLife71 Wow. Can open....worms everywhere! To answer one specific question to me, asking how the dictionary definition relates to my relationship, here are a few examples- "the fact or custom if having a sexual relationship or marriage with only one person at a time", "the state or practice of having only one sexual partner during a period of time", they all pretty much say the same thing. And yep, that's what it means to me in simple terms, but again, to.me it's about more than sex. But you didn't say that you define 'intimacy' as only sexual faithfulness. You said that for you, monogamy means "having no intimate relationships with other people, sexual, emotional or mental". I'm all on board with monogamy meaning "no sex with other people" I clarified several times that "no sex with others" is a totally reasonable and cool expectation to have -for poly folk OR for monogamous folk- but I also think that a monogamy that means "no mental or emotional connections with other people" is incredibly unhealthy. ETA: Is what you mean: "no romantic connections to other people"? Because if that's the case, that's understandably, because in the end "romantically" almost always means "I want to fuck them" even when they don't actually go ahead and fuck them. But having "no romantic connection to other people" is very different from having "no emotional or mental connection to other people".

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 11:34:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisForLife71 I have no reason to question monogamy because I get it. I have nothing to question. I wanted a discussion on monogamy Then discuss monogamy, instead of almost exclusively discussing poly. What is it about monogamy that you'd like to discuss?

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 11:43:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact quote: ORIGINAL: HisForLife71 Wow. Can open....worms everywhere! To answer one specific question to me, asking how the dictionary definition relates to my relationship, here are a few examples- "the fact or custom if having a sexual relationship or marriage with only one person at a time", "the state or practice of having only one sexual partner during a period of time", they all pretty much say the same thing. And yep, that's what it means to me in simple terms, but again, to.me it's about more than sex. See, but this is good. Knowing what your relationship parameters for YOU is pretty nifty. To you, there's sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity, play/BDSM type of infidelity. You absolutely WILL be the kind of person who says cyber sex to you is cheating. Emotional ties to the same level as your relationship IS cheating and you have a strong opinion, for yourself, about that. Totally cool from where I sit. Echoing my sister's statement here and taking it a step further, your relationship doctrine is YOUR doctrine. Just as her's is her's and mine is mine, reeces got it right; "There is no wrong way to eat a reeces". The proverbial can of worms that you have opened boils down to the presentation of your thread: I am monogamous. Why isn't there a board for the monogamous. Why is everyone Poly while I am monogamous. One of the most attractive things about the lifestyle is the transparency of many, maybe most, of the lifestylers and many are rooted in YKINMK and that's okay. However, many folk also so the agenda, passive-aggressivness, and/or veiled rants behind words. I'm not saying you were on a mission to achieve any of those things, but it is as it's perceived by the readers. Now, because gay men exist, that doesn't diminish my heterosexuality at all. Because I love a gay man with all my heart and soul does not diminish my heterosexuality at all. Because you and yours are monogamists does not diminish my polyamory at all and polyamory shouldn't diminish your monogamy at all. Some things you have to participate in to understand them. Some things I do not want to understand. I have the right to choose wot is right or wot is wrong for me, just as you do. You have, effectively, brought out a good discussion among the members and you deserve kudos for that.

HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 12:15:50 PM)
Thanks again, I honestly wasn't trying to insult any one way or say my way is the only right way, that honestly was not my intention. I do understand that wording and intent can be very easily misinterpreted on our wondrous internet, but I meant no disrespect to anyone or any "way". I had no agenda here, just that I am very happy this way, and wanted to hopefully connect with others that feel the same, people that understand, as I'm sure people from the other side of any of the different fences do. I saw no specific discussion here, so innocently thought to start one, I had no idea it would go insane! I guess in many ways I am still quite naive. Anyway, like I said, if I caused offense to anyone, I apologise.

tamaka -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 12:23:36 PM)
Personally I have found spending time by myself is very refreshing Having a deep, meaningful relationship with myself has allowed me find everything I truly need in myself Now if I choose to be in a relationship with others (mono or poly) it's not because. I need other people to fulfill me I can just enjoy the friendship.

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 12:30:19 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisForLife71 Thanks again, I honestly wasn't trying to insult any one way or say my way is the only right way, that honestly was not my intention. I do understand that wording and intent can be very easily misinterpreted on our wondrous internet, but I meant no disrespect to anyone or any "way". I had no agenda here, just that I am very happy this way, and wanted to hopefully connect with others that feel the same, people that understand, as I'm sure people from the other side of any of the different fences do. I saw no specific discussion here, so innocently thought to start one, I had no idea it would go insane! I guess in many ways I am still quite naive. Anyway, like I said, if I caused offense to anyone, I apologise. You don't need to apologize. You really did do a good thing. You brought on a spectrum of discussion and perspectives and many different relationship dynamics.

LadyPact -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 12:52:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisForLife71 Thanks again, I honestly wasn't trying to insult any one way or say my way is the only right way, that honestly was not my intention. I do understand that wording and intent can be very easily misinterpreted on our wondrous internet, but I meant no disrespect to anyone or any "way". I had no agenda here, just that I am very happy this way, and wanted to hopefully connect with others that feel the same, people that understand, as I'm sure people from the other side of any of the different fences do. I saw no specific discussion here, so innocently thought to start one, I had no idea it would go insane! I guess in many ways I am still quite naive. Anyway, like I said, if I caused offense to anyone, I apologise. Ha! If you think this thread is insane, wait until you see a really good train wreck. [;)] The monogamy discussion? There's nothing wrong with wanting to know if there are other people that see monogamy the way you do. I did. When I was monogamous, there was no sex with other people. No additional romantic entanglements. Play, I can't necessarily count because I wasn't D/s or exploring kinks then. I'm a priority person anyway, so I see any kind of emotional anything on different levels. I'm the same way about how I bond to other people now. Friends, family... All of that stuff is in a different light to me. So, had you asked me back in the monogamy days, it was a pretty black and issue. Either, yes, it was fulfilling monogamous fidelity agreement you've got or you're cheating, because that isn't anything related to ethical poly. I'm still one of the harshest people on the boards about the cheating thing, though I am trying to mellow with age. I am not always successful. I figure, if you are cheating, you've got bigger issue than any opinion of mine should be phasing you. But it's just about the same thing as anything else. You should be conducting your relationship in the way you think it best works for you. If you thought someone's way was better, you'd probably just adopt that for yourself. It's the difference between one true way and the way it works for you.

HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 1:12:31 PM)
Thank you guys again. I really do appreciate the genuine and thoughtful input on both sides of the equation.

Danemora -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 3:56:23 PM)
~FRing it~ You keep saying you wanted to talk about monogamy. What exactly do you want to talk about? I'm monogamous myself and even I don't know how much of a subject monogamy itself makes. In all honesty, a thread itself dedicated to monogamy would be bloody boring [:)] So what exactly are we supposed to talk about as far as monogamy goes? Because monogamy tends to be well represented all over the place around here.

mousekabob -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 4:12:04 PM)
If someone was to ask me if we are mono or poly I honestly couldn't give them a straight answer. We're mono in that we simply have not had any opportunities to play with anyone and we don't go out there and actively seek it. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, that's fine too. But the one thing we have decided is that we're not interested in another "love" partner. We would possibly play with someone, but that's most likely as far as it would ever go. Is that poly, swinging, one night stands? Who knows. Does it matter to us? not really. We don't really care what kind of name you give it because our relationship is ever changing like most people on the planet. It evolves. For us, the only important thing is communication the entire way.

tamaka -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 6:33:03 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL . But the one thing we have decided is that we're not interested in another "love" partner. our relationship is ever changing like most people on the planet. It evolves. For us, the only important thing is communication the entire way. So is your current relationship an "I love you as long as you don't. ever love someone else"

HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 11:39:52 PM)
I didn't have any specific plans for this thread, I just wanted to bring it here as I saw nothing from this side. I am not sure exactly what people keep asking of me lol. I do not want to teach anyone anything, even any score, bring cultural change or bring more people to my side of the fence lol. I have no list of topics or "discussions of the day". I never for a million years imagined it would blow up in my face, I just thought I would ask if anyone else was monogamous, and any related thoughts, that was that. To be honest if I wanted to talk exclusively about poly, I would join that group. As previously stated, the only reason I have gone on to that subject is that thats all anyone seemed to be answering about. I have no idea why some here are so intent on tripping me up or making me explain things I have no explanation for. if I had known it would cause so much confrontation, I never would have bothered. Most answers are thoughtful, informative and said with good intention. I thank everyone for those. But to the others who seem overly defensive and happy to take offence, I'm afraid I can't help you with that. I have nothing to defend myself over. I am happy to talk of any aspect of this. That really is as complicated or as simple as it can be. I have no interest in confrontation, settling who is right or wrong. I will talk to anyone about this subject, thats that.

HisForLife71 -> RE: Monogamy? (3/7/2016 11:47:16 PM)
Moving on.... So to those in a monogamous relationship or mindset, have you always been that way, or have you changed your mindset, maybe just organically, or for a particular reason. Has it ever felt like a challenge as such? I can't really explain why I am so strongly this way. I just have never felt any other way. It is part of me, like my eye colour or the fact I am a diabetic. It is my only real hard limit (apart from obvious ones to most, like dismemberment or sex with animals for example), I can give open thought to most things, but not to this. It is a conversation I have pretty much on day one. I would only ever be with someone who shared this view.

dreamlady -> RE: Monogamy? (3/8/2016 6:51:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HisForLife71 Moving on.... So to those in a monogamous relationship or mindset, have you always been that way, or have you changed your mindset, maybe just organically, or for a particular reason. Has it ever felt like a challenge as such? I can't really explain why I am so strongly this way. I just have never felt any other way. It is part of me, like my eye colour or the fact I am a diabetic. It is my only real hard limit (apart from obvious ones to most, like dismemberment or sex with animals for example), I can give open thought to most things, but not to this. It is a conversation I have pretty much on day one. I would only ever be with someone who shared this view. I don't question how I am, because I long ago accepted the depth of my character, my steadfastness, my unshakable loyalty to others (including my close lifelong friends) as long as they do not betray my trust. Can't really help it, it's the nature of your typical Scorpio -- we are not known to have lukewarm dispositions. [&:] I've always been highly possessive and protective, and I expect the man I've chosen to be my lover to want to belong to me completely with as much matching intensity, passion and ardor. I can be forgiving, but repeatedly showing signs of lack of devotion [to me, and of not putting our family's best interests ahead of himself], will cause me to sever a monogamous bond after a finite number of caution alerts. If it gets to the warning level, then he's already walking on thin ice with me -- you don't keep letting matters get to that point if you truly care about your partner's happiness. I view lack of romantic devotion as a breach of partnership, the same with any form of disloyalty as being infidelity - whether it be of a mental/emotional/physical nature - since I require a mate who ultimately puts me first as his highest priority day in and day out (within reason, of course), because I know I always end up giving more and investing much more of myself into an intimate relationship than what my partner does or what his capacity is to do so. True confession. I am so pathologically monogamous, that not only did I marry my very first real boyfriend (not the guy I lost my virginity to, he hardly counts), but later when we divorced, and I had gotten remarried in between there for a decade and moved to another state. . . we ended up reuniting and having another child together. In other words, both of my sons have the same biological father. I did try with my second husband, but he turned out to be sterile (which he already knew from his previous marriage but had deliberately withheld this info). It was till death do us part. DreamLady

Andalusite -> RE: Monogamy? (3/8/2016 8:25:53 AM)
My Sir and I are in the same situation as DarkSteven and his submissive - we refer to it as "monogamous with room for play." We've so far done one co-topping scene with another guy (my Sir suggested him, because he liked his style and felt comfortable with him after talking with him at events the past 3 weeks). He focused on safety issues and some technique pointers, and my Sir found it very helpful. I actively encourage him to be emotionally/mentally intimate with other people, and vice versa. I don't see that as the same as being romantic with other people, and close friends, who we can share things with and vent/cheer about our relationship is a positive thing! He's new to the area, and is a bit shy/introverted, so I've been introducing him to people and helping break the ice as much as I can. He's met several of my close friends, and he's very glad that they care about me so much! Hisforlife, I don't know if I count as monogamous in your book, since we do approach things differently, but I have no interest in casual sex. Sure, I can be attracted to people, but sex and emotions are very much quantum entangled for me, and I like it that way! Sex requires trust and connection and love for me, and the very thought of a one-night stand would make me scared, and feel used/thrown away, and would make me feel horrible about myself.

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