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Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/6/2016 5:29:47 AM   
KillYourTV


Posts: 16
Joined: 8/21/2013
Status: offline 		Hello

I would guess that most people here have introduced elements of bdsm into vanilla relationships before. In my experience, everyone (vanillas) that I have shared my fetishes with were very accepting and even excited by them. People accept things to different degrees of course and its easier when you know where someone stands up front. Also It would be nice if both parties truly enjoyed the activities and one side wasn't just trying to please the other. Still I found that converting people worked quite nicely.

Currently I would never enter a vanilla relationship. But looking back I found that most people were very open minded.

Has anyone noticed a similar trend?
Or has anyone had a relationship ruined that way?
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RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/6/2016 5:39:26 PM   
Greta75


Posts: 9968
Joined: 2/6/2011
Status: offline 		I experience the opposite. Introducing BDSM into my vanilla marriage killed sex completely. My x-husband didn't even want to touch me at all, after I keep trying to introduce bdsm elements into our sex. But it was kinda my fault, because it was 6 years into the marriage before I told him about my interest in bdsm. Prior to him, I have always engaged with it, but just not with him as I knew he would not be interested. But although I knew in my gut he would never be interested, I guess I tried my luck after 6 years, thinking we bonded enough for him to maybe indulge me. Like nuh uh.

And currently, there is no vanilla man I can convince to play bdsm with me at all. They refused to do it at all.

No success of introduction ever.

(in reply to KillYourTV)
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RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/6/2016 6:50:22 PM   
UllrsIshtar


Posts: 3693
Joined: 7/28/2012
Status: offline 		I wouldn't try to entice a vanilla person to do kink, any more than I would try to get a gay guy to have hetro-sex, or a straight guy to have gay sex.

I want somebody who does this because it becomes natural for them, not somebody who is just going through the motions because it's a bit of experimental fun.

_____________________________

I can be your whore
I am the dirt you created
I am your sinner
And your whore
But let me tell you something baby
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RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/6/2016 9:16:54 PM   
longwayhome


Posts: 1035
Joined: 1/9/2008
Status: offline 		The only caveat I would make to what has been said above is that I had two long term relationships where there was initially no explicit BDSM at all, but there was a spark that we both became increasingly aware of.

Both times I was the one who eventually brought it right to the surface and both times it created a relationship and sexual dynamic which was successful over years. Indeed all of my relationships except my first whilst at school have had a strong D/s element to them. Each time I have had the explicit interest rather than my partner, and despite this I have enjoyed genuine love, had my limits stretched and learned a huge deal.

The key for me has been to be very careful in terms getting to know people as people but also being very alive to underlying dynamics and sexual tendencies. I have therefore rejected relationships where we got on like a house on fire because I wasn't convinced about the potential sexual dynamic. Saying no to a romantic relationship in such circumstances where you have lots of fun together can be a killer. Although in my experience, it is much easier if you do the friend thing rather than submitting to your first urge to sleep with someone.

The bottom line is, I suppose, that it depends what you want. It also depends whether you knew what you wanted from a partner in advance.

If you are going to "convert" someone to kink, you had better have had really good instincts in subconsciously choosing the right person, or have known what character traits and sexual interests you were looking for in advance. If not it can be unfair or even cruel to demand behaviours which are out-of someone's comfort zone. Even if my every fantasy was not on the table and there was no explicit D/s contract, my partners have always known in advance that I was into some fairly kinky stuff

In that sense I wholly endorse the previous contribution about not enticing vanilla people into kink. There is a big difference between adding fuel to a fire pretty early on, and trying to drag a long term partner up a steep slope, after you have decided you can't live without kink.

(in reply to UllrsIshtar)
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RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/7/2016 10:50:56 AM   
crumpets


Posts: 1614
Joined: 11/5/2014
From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar
I wouldn't try to entice a vanilla person to do kink, any more than I would try to get a gay guy to have hetro-sex, or a straight guy to have gay sex.


I don't generally do the "ditto" +1 thing, but I would have said the same thing that Ullr's Ishtar just said, with the experimental caveat that there may be 'degrees' of being convincing when introducing vanilla people to kinky sex (because I think we all have varying degrees of both in us)...

My swag is that ...
  • It's probably nearly impossible to make a straight guy go gay (as described in this experimental video)
  • But, it's probably possible to help someone who doesn't like the taste of raw oysters to enjoy them given the right inducements (perhaps as described in this "Oral sex as mate retention behavior" study)

    So, I guess, there are degrees, but, a pure vanilla isn't likely to go kinky without a bit of kicking and screaming...

    PS: I found this when googling for a related link
  • How to Know if You Are Heterosexual
  • How to Tell a Guy You’re Kinky
  • 11 Ways to Tell Your Partner You're Kinky



    < Message edited by crumpets -- 3/7/2016 10:57:23 AM >

    (in reply to UllrsIshtar)
    • Profile   Post #: 5
    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/7/2016 11:22:27 AM   
    UllrsIshtar


    Posts: 3693
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    quote:

    ORIGINAL: crumpets

    So, I guess, there are degrees, but, a pure vanilla isn't likely to go kinky without a bit of kicking and screaming...



    I don't even care if they're 'pure' vanilla or not. Even if somebody is mainly "vanilla, but up for some kinky exploration" that ain't kinky enough for me.

    If somebody is not kinky enough to have done a great deal of kinky exploration on their own before they met me, they're not kinky enough for me period. The older I get, the more true that is.

    Kink isn't an 'optional' thing for me. If it is optional for them (as is evident by the fact that they've managed to do without it until they met me) then they're never going to understand the fact that it isn't optional for me, and thus we're not going to work.

    If I gotta introduce you to kink, you ain't going to be able to keep up with me.

    _____________________________

    I can be your whore
    I am the dirt you created
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    You love me for everything you hate me for

    (in reply to crumpets)
    Profile   Post #: 6
    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/7/2016 11:27:14 AM   
    ThatDizzyChick


    Posts: 5490
    Status: offline     		I have had success with my Fellas, though with the Fella he was kinky as well, we just had a vanillish swinger relationship as neither of us had opened up about it. With the Other Fella, he hadn't really gotten into kink before joining us. However none of us was really vanilla in that we were all poly.

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    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/7/2016 4:15:10 PM   
    mousekabob


    Posts: 187
    Status: offline     		I've never met a single human being who doesn't have some kind of kink.


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    (in reply to ThatDizzyChick)
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    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/8/2016 9:08:24 AM   
    KillYourTV


    Posts: 16
    Joined: 8/21/2013
    Status: offline     		Interesting points. I agree with most of what you guys brought up. I defiantly would not enter into a vanilla relationship now knowing what I'm into. obviously I'm not in the business of forcing things on anyone. I suppose I was trying to highlight my belief that most people are at least slightly kinky (in the more shallow end) but it seems most of you have had the opposite experience. I guess I was taking solace in my belief that more people were into it that admitted it and that made me feel better when I was younger.

    (in reply to mousekabob)
    Profile   Post #: 9
    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/8/2016 10:32:36 AM   
    UllrsIshtar


    Posts: 3693
    Joined: 7/28/2012
    Status: offline     		There's a difference between 'kink' = 'I'm up for a little spanking and bondage in the bedroom' and 'kink' = 'bring out the cattle prod, beat the shit out me with closed fists and force feed me dog food'.

    I'm sure most people can be enticed to do a little slap and tickle in the bedroom. But taking somebody who has never had the urge to experiment on their own from vanilla to 'boy, pliers sure do make for a fun genital torture toy' and 'too bad the cane only drew blood in a couple of spots'... Nope I don't see that happening.

    _____________________________

    I can be your whore
    I am the dirt you created
    I am your sinner
    And your whore
    But let me tell you something baby
    You love me for everything you hate me for

    (in reply to KillYourTV)
    Profile   Post #: 10
    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/8/2016 10:35:29 AM   
    mousekabob


    Posts: 187
    Status: offline     		I've dated "vanilla" men in the past who ran the gamut from a little spank/tickle to "let me beat the shit out of you for fun" so to me there is no difference...kink is kink. There are just simply different varieties.



    _____________________________

    aka littlewonder
    ------------------------
    Nothing has changed
    Everything has changed

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    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/9/2016 7:48:14 AM   
    HisForLife71


    Posts: 72
    Joined: 3/3/2016
    Status: offline     		I tried a few times to hint heavily that I wanted to be dominated. The best I got was a bit of "spanking" or rather, good humoured tapping, lol. Pretty much any man I tried communicate this to, shut it off completely.
    Waste of time. I guess being a submissive would naturally make it more difficult anyway. I can not lead, I want to be led.
    Probably a different concept for dominants to introduce it to partners I guess.
    Thinking about it now, even if they had responded better, I would lack that kind of respect for them to be honest. I would feel they had done it by my choice, hence "submitting" to my will. Kind of ruins the whole concept for me from the beginning.

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    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/9/2016 4:37:04 PM   
    Greta75


    Posts: 9968
    Joined: 2/6/2011
    Status: offline     		I can't even get a vanilla man to spank me! They just don't want to do anything that perceived as "beating a woman".

    (in reply to HisForLife71)
    Profile   Post #: 13
    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/9/2016 5:03:00 PM   
    ThatDizzyChick


    Posts: 5490
    Status: offline
    quote:

    I can't even get a vanilla man to spank me!

    Huh. I never had much trouble, though getting them to spank me hard enough is a little more problematical.


    _____________________________

    Not your average bimbo.

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    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/9/2016 5:26:46 PM   
    pallacastarlight


    Posts: 5
    Joined: 1/14/2016
    Status: offline     		I introduced a previous boyfriend to BDSM. I may have lucked out though; he was very open-minded and when we started doing it together, he loved it.

    (in reply to ThatDizzyChick)
    Profile   Post #: 15
    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/10/2016 7:41:04 AM   
    LadyPact


    Posts: 32566
    Status: offline     		Talking somebody into kinky sex is relatively easy as a Dominant woman. "I wanna do this, this, and this while I'm riding you and it's making me so hot," and various other tactics seem to work well. A lot of men fall for that stuff. Reading Greta's comment, I have to wonder a bit if it's easier to convince people to let you do things to them than to get people to do things to you. I can kind of see how that would happen.

    Even with that, I don't think I've really converted anybody. These were folks that had kink or kink-lite interests to begin with. The only person I really converted was my other half and he ended up being a top, too. Neither of us enjoy bottoming, so that's kind of a draw. The benefit is he has more fun accompanying me to kink things now.

    My comfort zone is much more going to where the kinky people go for my BDSM. I'm the same way about the poly thing.


    _____________________________

    The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

    Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

    Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

    Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

    (in reply to pallacastarlight)
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    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/10/2016 9:17:16 AM   
    crumpets


    Posts: 1614
    Joined: 11/5/2014
    From: South Bay (SF & Silicon Valley)
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: LadyPact
    I have to wonder a bit if it's easier to convince people to let you do things to them than to get people to do things to you.


    This seems logical, given that it's a passive activity, in some sense, having things "done" to us, versus thinking of things "to do" to others.


    (in reply to LadyPact)
    Profile   Post #: 17
    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/10/2016 4:05:42 PM   
    Greta75


    Posts: 9968
    Joined: 2/6/2011
    Status: offline
    quote:

    ORIGINAL: LadyPact

    Talking somebody into kinky sex is relatively easy as a Dominant woman. "I wanna do this, this, and this while I'm riding you and it's making me so hot," and various other tactics seem to work well. A lot of men fall for that stuff.



    I definitely feel it's easier to suggest bottom related kinks to a vanilla man where he gets to be bottom, than trying to ask him to execute top related kinks.

    I've definitely met several vanilla men who wanted me to top them, or at least, they were kinda suggesting it, seeing if I would be open to it, but I've always refused to, as I'm not a top and I'm not interested in topping any man. But I've never met a vanilla man who volunteered to top me.


    < Message edited by Greta75 -- 3/10/2016 4:06:48 PM >

    (in reply to LadyPact)
    Profile   Post #: 18
    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/11/2016 4:25:33 PM   
    WilliamWizer


    Posts: 223
    Joined: 3/19/2007
    Status: offline     		It depends on the person you introduce and how you do it.

    I was the one that introduced the lifestyle to my former sub. she knew almost nothing about it beyond generalizations (and not all of them true) but with care and patience she slowly saw that the world isn't just vanilla.

    what are the first steps depend on the person you are introducing. if nothing else it's not the same introducing the lifestyle to a dom than to a sub. personally I believe it's easier to introduce it to a sub since you take a more active role and push her at the right pace instead of having to show how to be a master while staying submissive. you can't (easily) tell your master how hard he must strike you with the whip or how many times but as a master (specially as an experienced master) you can get the subtle hints from the sub's body language and adjust so she enjoys the experience.

    but besides that huge difference the first steps to introduce a sub to the lifestyle depend heavily on her personality and what she already likes or what her secret fantasies are. for example if she wants to do something but she's scary or ashamed of it just let her understand that in private she can do it because you won't think poorly of her for doing it.

    this being said... the real first step to introduce somebody to the lifestyle is always to gain her trust so she opens to you and tells fears, desires, fantasies, ... without having to worry about what will be your reaction. she needs to understand that "I have seen your worst and I still love you so don't worry about failing me. I will always be at your side loving you with my whole heart"

    once she understands that... the next step can be a lot of (small) things... you just take care of her, protect her and guide her as that's the Dom's duty.

    _____________________________

    There's only two rules for a sub:
    - she can do anything her Master didn't forbid her.
    - she only needs to do what her Master told her to do.

    (in reply to Greta75)
    Profile   Post #: 19
    RE: Success rate with introducing kink to vanillas. - 3/13/2016 12:49:11 PM   
    DarkSteven


    Posts: 28072
    Joined: 5/2/2008
    Status: offline     		I've tried it a few times. Once the woman was somewhat intrigued and submitted to soft spankings. I think she liked the novelty, but was into me more than spanking. Every other woman I broached it with, I struck out.

    However, I know two women who got frustrated looking for Doms, who met unconsciously dominant men on OKCupid and brought out their inner Doms.

    _____________________________

    "You women....

    The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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    (in reply to WilliamWizer)
    Profile   Post #: 20
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