Emotional Sadism?

Emotional Sadism? (Full Version)

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Slavebluet -> Emotional Sadism? (3/7/2016 3:25:24 PM)
Hello all, What in your opinion, is an emotional sadist? What brings this question to mind is that my Master, from years ago, has recently contacted me to see if we could continue where we had left off. Lol, and yes I have already earned punishment for a couple of things that did not sit well with him. There is a little problem of me being in another state now, but I am going to visit him at the end of the month and possibly move back before the end of the year. My tasks for now are to write to him every day and answer his questions of what has happened in my life since we have separated. It is not an easy task. I had turned to the vanilla world and had plenty of ups and downs. And to be frank he isn't here when I have the emotional backlash. This is something that hurts, a lot. I understand that we have separate lives for now. He doesn't tell me when or were he goes and some weekend's I don't hear from him. It was always the case when we were together. But I haven't heard from him in a week now and it plays with my mind. Is he OK? Did he get hurt? What did I do wrong? Or when I ask personal questions, I have to be punished first than earn the answers. It's so confusing. I need feedback. I need to be good. I need his approval. Sorry. Can y'all please explain emotional sadism to me? Is that what this is? slave

mousekabob -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/7/2016 4:19:57 PM)
You knew he was that way before. You know he's that way now. He's not going to change so you have a decision to make....stay or go.

Slavebluet -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/7/2016 4:36:41 PM)
Yes mouse I understand that. My question still stands, though. What is emotional sadism?

DesFIP -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/7/2016 4:50:18 PM)
Somebody who enjoys causing emotional pain. Some sadists only enjoy causing physical pain, some enjoy causing emotional pain. Is this something you enjoy? Are you okay being punished for things you didn't know were forbidden/ Are you okay being ignored for weeks at a time? Figure out what you need and decide if you're going to get those needs met. However, you already know that you won't get those needs met. Because if he were interested or capable of doing so, he would have done it before and you wouldn't have broken up.

Lucylastic -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/7/2016 5:11:52 PM)
Sorry, In my experience, men using the term of "emotional sadist" are mostly irresolute assholes If he hasnt talked to you in a week, he may be being sadistic, but as a sadist, I like to see and feel their pain close up...not by text. Btw. If you wanna go back...go back. Me? Id rather eat shit than be in that kind of stupidness ever again. (ps and scat is a huge hard limit)

Slavebluet -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/7/2016 5:23:17 PM)
Thank y'all for the explanation. It is very clear what my next steps are going to be and your voices saying what has been playing over and over in my head have helped tremendously. blue

Lucylastic -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/7/2016 5:29:06 PM)
Good luck to you blue:)

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/7/2016 6:50:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Slavebluet Hello all, What in your opinion, is an emotional sadist? What brings this question to mind is that my Master, from years ago, has recently contacted me to see if we could continue where we had left off. Lol, and yes I have already earned punishment for a couple of things that did not sit well with him. There is a little problem of me being in another state now, but I am going to visit him at the end of the month and possibly move back before the end of the year. My tasks for now are to write to him every day and answer his questions of what has happened in my life since we have separated. It is not an easy task. I had turned to the vanilla world and had plenty of ups and downs. And to be frank he isn't here when I have the emotional backlash. This is something that hurts, a lot. I understand that we have separate lives for now. He doesn't tell me when or were he goes and some weekend's I don't hear from him. It was always the case when we were together. But I haven't heard from him in a week now and it plays with my mind. Is he OK? Did he get hurt? What did I do wrong? Or when I ask personal questions, I have to be punished first than earn the answers. It's so confusing. I need feedback. I need to be good. I need his approval. Sorry. Can y'all please explain emotional sadism to me? Is that what this is? slave Emotional sadist: Go cram your fat ass into those size 1 yoga pants so I can take you to the park. Emotional masochist: Yes sir. -drags feet to the bedroom thinking about how humiliating this is going to be-

DOM68005 -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/7/2016 8:17:19 PM)
Oversimplified ... run your heart, self doubts and emotions thru heavyduty wash in tears cycle and forget the dryer. Rinse and do again. Make you feel unappreciated when you are at play. Put new definitions in pain and suffering emotionally. Use you without aftercare when you are drained by the action.

Kana -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 6:50:25 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Slavebluet Yes mouse I understand that. My question still stands, though. What is emotional sadism? Someone that hurts your feelings as well as your flesh. Example-someone that takes nonstop cutting shots. Imagine a girl with, ooooh, lets go with low hanging fruit, weight and/or body issues. Each time you take a bite he says, Fat. Pig. Slob. Obese. Lazy. Disgusting. This is why humiliation and mind games is such an art form. There's such a fine line between those and emotional sadism. As for your broader question-is what He is doing emotional sadism? Shakes head. Raises palms. I dunno. No one fucking knows. The only one that does is you. From here, based on your very limited comments, it sounds as if He'll let you in His life a bit and not more right now. That prying further, learning further, has a price. A price I should mention you seem to want to or at least be willing to pay. This is simple. You have questions. Ask him shit. If he answers, great. If not, then you have a choice. And if there are terms to those answers, well, that still leaves you a choice. Either way you learn something... ....about Him and about you. The question, no matter what, is always the same, pretty much no matter what the BDSM dilemma: "Is the benefit I am receiving in being in this worth the cost I am paying to stay?" As long as the answer is yes, remain. And when it's no, well, then the real soul searching begins...

dreamlady -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 9:44:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Lucylastic Sorry, In my experience, men using the term of "emotional sadist" are mostly irresolute assholes Kinda reminds me of people who just make up shit and then slap on the kink/fetish label so they can get away with asinine behavior, and consensuality be damned. Anything and everything can be considered a paraphilia of sorts. . . but that doesn't make it off limits to censure when it infringes upon the rights of others to grant their consent. Like the gymrat who asks "What is wrong with being a narcissist?" [who can't get submissive women to let him run their lives] Or the married cheater whose "fetish-kink" is to fuck around with married women (other than his own wife, who can't stand to be near the boorish pig). . . . Let's see, we can make attention-whoritis a fetish, under the umbrella of exhibitionism. Leering at women, acting like a creep, and attributing any female's wardrobe malfunction to being intentionally perpetrated for the benefit of every male bystander's viewing pleasure, goes along with voyeurism. I have to wonder whether this is what your former Master calls himself? Did he ever use these words? Or is this what ppl have subsequently told you was what this man was, or that you heard or read somewhere? There are those who take mental Domination to the edge or to extemes with a combination of mental torment, mindfucks, sexual torment, and psychological humiliation -- which should always be consensual in nature, with clearly mapped out boundaries, or no-go zones. Otherwise, it is not BDSM sadomasochism but becomes predatory abuse instead. This is the difference between those who take care of their toys as an artilect, and those who would break their toys like a childish bully. I do not believe that emotional sadism is a valid form of BDSM or non-vanilla D/s, in that this is a pathological condition involving emotionally abusive behavior and mental cruelty inflicted by an unstable, emotionally stunted man flying under the radar of M/s. The bigger question is this, Are you an emotional masochist? And if so, is this how you want your relationship dynamic to be, reliving "Groundhog's Day" over and over again with this man until you both get it right with one another? quote: ORIGINAL: Slavebluet What in your opinion, is an emotional sadist? What brings this question to mind is that my Master, from years ago, has recently contacted me to see if we could continue where we had left off. Lol, and yes I have already earned punishment for a couple of things that did not sit well with him. There is a little problem of me being in another state now, but I am going to visit him at the end of the month and possibly move back before the end of the year. I have no doubt the reason why your former Master wants to pick up where you both left off is because nobody else will put up with his immature bullcrap, and he has been kicked to the curb more than once. I'm sure he isn't able to hold onto a slave for any respectable length of time. It also sounds as if you have made up your mind to take him back for good, since you're already contemplating moving back in with him in the near future. Are you also saying that all the OLD rules you had in place with your M/s dynamic that previously crashed and burned, have been resurrected intact, and you are expected to abide by them? If his modus operandi ("asshat-itis", "Domass-itis" and "Dumbinant-ia") didn't work out in the past between the two of you, what makes you think that it will work out this time around? Girl, have you not negotiated a single thing, like you would have done with any other new Master? Why should your old Master not have to redeem himself either, to prove himself worthy of your submission? quote: ORIGINAL: Slavebluet I understand that we have separate lives for now. He doesn't tell me when or were he goes and some weekend's I don't hear from him. It was always the case when we were together. But I haven't heard from him in a week now and it plays with my mind. Is he OK? Did he get hurt? What did I do wrong? Or when I ask personal questions, I have to be punished first than earn the answers. It's so confusing. I need feedback. I need to be good. I need his approval. Leaving you in uncertainty and confusion is not the action of a Dominant leader, one who deserves to be yours or anybody else's Master; and if he were any kind of Master, he would know that you cannot do this to an s-type without causing them to turn into a neurotic mess. Submissives need regular reassurances in the form of routine certainties, consistent acknowledgment of their presence and performance levels, and cannot bear to be ignored or given the cold shoulder treatment -- that is often said to be the worse punishment of all. What I am mostly concerned about is that not only will this man start arbitrarily "punishing" you for things that have transpired in your life AFTER the two of you separated, but that he will start taking other unrelated things out on you, dredging up and then re-punishing you for past misdeeds (in his mind) to where you will simply end up terrorized all over again. Because tell me the truth (to yourself), isn't this what your ex-Master did to you when you were much younger and more vulnerable than you are now? Did you not learn anything and grow up into a capable, mature woman since then? DreamLady

Slavebluet -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 10:06:49 AM)
Oh my god DreamLady, You hit it ALL on the button. When we were together nothing was explained, no matter how much I tried to " get him to understand " I thought it was my fault, that I wasn't doing things correctly, what ever the case. Lol, wow. Thank everyone so much for the insight. I wrote him this morning telling him that I was not what he needed and as a courtesy asked to be formerly released. It was a weight off of my shoulders and now to read your letters. I have a huge smile on my face. There are no words to express my gratitude to all of y'all. blue

LadyPact -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 2:05:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Slavebluet Hello all, What in your opinion, is an emotional sadist? In my opinion, an emotional sadist is someone who derives pleasure from using someone's emotions in such a way to cause pain, distress, or discomfort. This can include fear, humiliation, regret, or any other type of emotion that a person experiences anything that would be what people call 'negative' feelings. Basically, it's intended to cause you pain that is not physical, and rather, is something felt. Fear play, mind fucks, humiliation, or any form of play that is not specifically related to the physical form being used to get the desired reaction. quote: Sorry. Can y'all please explain emotional sadism to me? Is that what this is? slave OK. I trimmed this because you really do have your answer to this part, so I'm only giving my opinion. In my world, the description you gave is not my type of emotional sadism. It is more flat out, "I really don't give a damn about you." Now, I'm not one for believing that I have to 'report in' to my submissive and if something isn't the submissive's business, such as I was having a heart to heart with a third party and whatever the third party and I were discussing was private between us, sorry, the submissive just isn't getting that information from me. However, if I just plain don't want to talk to you in general, barely (or not at all) answer the phone when you call, look at the text you sent and roll my eyes, I don't put a huge value on you. As Kana said, if you push me for more than I'm willing to give, you'll end up getting less, because I'm going to see you as overly needy. I'm a little confused about the "emotional backlash" that you mentioned, because it's not really specified from certain "punishments" since you went back or if was just from "the ups and downs" of engaging in vanilla and having to write about them. The latter wouldn't have been something I'd necessarily indulge. Either way, it does sound better to me that you have made the decision not to continue, as it doesn't seem that you line up in certain areas of compatibility, such as how much contact and attention is being wanted compared to what is being received. That might be some areas to consider when you are contemplating your next relationship.

UllrsIshtar -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 3:07:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Slavebluet Sorry. Can y'all please explain emotional sadism to me? Is that what this is? Others have above given good descriptions of emotional sadists: It's somebody who enjoys hurting you emotionally. I'd like to add that, an emotional sadist in a BDSM context hurts your feelings on purpose to get enjoyment out of it. When they do it, they've got a plan. They have a purpose in mind. They've thought about how what they're going to do is going to affect you. They've got a back up plan for when things go wrong, and they -unintentionally- do actual psychological damage. They've evaluated you, and your mental state, and have decided that emotional sadism isn't only good (or at least okay) for your relationships\, but that it's also something you can handle, and that there would be something you are getting out of the exchange. If those things aren't going through his mind while he's doing it, he's not an emotional sadist, he's an asshole. If he's just hurting you, because he's not thoughtful enough to consider your side of things, and thinks so little of you that he doesn't bother considering your feelings, he's not an emotional sadist, he's an asshole. If he doesn't have a plan, a goal in mind, and a backup plan for when things go wrong... yup asshole. If he doesn't consider the consequences of his actions, or doesn't care about them... asshole. There's a difference between somebody hurting you emotionally because they truly don't give a shit about you, and you are disposable to them and so it doesn't matter to them if you get hurt, or somebody who's hurting you emotionally because you both get off on being in a relationship where he sometimes acts as if you are disposable to him and he doesn't give a shit about you. It's quite easy for a guy who's an asshole to claim that he's an emotional sadist, because that makes it seem like his actions are excusable. Think long and hard... is this guy an emotional sadist... or is he an asshole?

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 3:13:23 PM)
I am not an emotional sadist, I am a garden variety asshole. Jus sayin

DeviantlyD -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 4:16:52 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant I am not an emotional sadist, I am a garden variety asshole. Jus sayin As one of your minions and designated groupie, I feel it is incumbent upon me to state unequivocally that you, Sir, are not an asshole. Especially not a garden variety one. ;) Or....is that a secret? bites lip Oops.... (Edited to correct a typo. sighs)

ExiledTyrant -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 4:25:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DeviantlyD quote: ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant I am not an emotional sadist, I am a garden variety asshole. Jus sayin As one of your minions and designated groupie, I feel it is incumbent upon me to state unequivocally that you, Sir, are not an asshole. Especially not a garden variety one. ;) Or....is that a secret? bites lip Oops.... (Edited to correct a typo. sighs) Shhhhh... you're damaging my image here, bitch.

DeviantlyD -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 4:49:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant Shhhhh... you're damaging my image here, bitch. Damn!! Many apologies Exalted One! Please, please, please don't take away my minion card!!! I'll grovel and everything! I'll only open my mouth to perform minion duties from now on. ahem :)

dreamlady -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 6:21:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ExiledTyrant I am not an emotional sadist, I am a garden variety asshole. Jus sayin You are hardly that, as DD has attested to. [:D] I still can't see the difference between the two, though, only because the Mental Domination part is where mental and psychological sadism comes into "play" on a consensual basis with one's counterpart maso who derives gratification from being placed in mental (and frequently concomitant sexual) torment. Sorry Ishtar, but that membrane between causing emotional hurt and causing emotional damage is so thin, that you would have to be walking a tightrope along with the object you are toying with, the both of you together. Doing so without a safety net which is virtually impervious doesn't seem very cool. If this is part of your (plural) melodramatic play dynamic, with elements of CNC that your mental maso partner IS cool with, then be edgy with your bad selves. Of the many variations to cuckolding, for instance, mental torment seems to be a common thread throughout those, although the sexual torment aspect of cuckolding usually reaches a state of short-term closure before the next round starts up again. But I (personally) cannot envision emotional sadomasochism reinforcing the foundation of nearly unconditional trust that two D/s partners should be progressing towards. I don't mean to put you on the spot, but what kinds of aftercare do provide as an emotional sadist in a BDSM context or whatever else you might implement as precautionary measures so that you don't inadvertently do actual (and possible indelible) psychological damage of the PTSD variety? quote: ORIGINAL: UllrsIshtar Others have above given good descriptions of emotional sadists: It's somebody who enjoys hurting you emotionally. I'd like to add that, an emotional sadist in a BDSM context hurts your feelings on purpose to get enjoyment out of it. When they do it, they've got a plan. They have a purpose in mind. They've thought about how what they're going to do is going to affect you. They've got a back up plan for when things go wrong, and they -unintentionally- do actual psychological damage. They've evaluated you, and your mental state, and have decided that emotional sadism isn't only good (or at least okay) for your relationships\, but that it's also something you can handle, and that there would be something you are getting out of the exchange. If those things aren't going through his mind while he's doing it, he's not an emotional sadist, he's an asshole. If he's just hurting you, because he's not thoughtful enough to consider your side of things, and thinks so little of you that he doesn't bother considering your feelings, he's not an emotional sadist, he's an asshole. If he doesn't have a plan, a goal in mind, and a backup plan for when things go wrong... yup asshole. If he doesn't consider the consequences of his actions, or doesn't care about them... asshole. There's a difference between somebody hurting you emotionally because they truly don't give a shit about you, and you are disposable to them and so it doesn't matter to them if you get hurt, or somebody who's hurting you emotionally because you both get off on being in a relationship where he sometimes acts as if you are disposable to him and he doesn't give a shit about you. It's quite easy for a guy who's an asshole to claim that he's an emotional sadist, because that makes it seem like his actions are excusable. Think long and hard... is this guy an emotional sadist... or is he an asshole? I would even characterize emotional sadomasochism as psychic vampirism. Note that I am not pointing the finger solely at the sadistic partner, because it takes (at least) two to tango. From OP's update, it would appear that she never was on board with getting the life sucked out of her and being made to feel like an empty shell, and has found the courage once more to leave a dysfunctional mini-clusterfuck that does not meet her innermost needs, wants, and desires. For that, I commend her for taking back her control from a Master undeserving of her submission. DreamLady

mousekabob -> RE: Emotional Sadism? (3/8/2016 6:42:01 PM)
Master is a sadist. This includes being an emotional sadist. Is it a fine line? Yup, you betchya. Are there times he goes over the line? Yup. But ya know, we've been together for so many years that most of the time I'm completely aware of when he's just trying to get a rise out of me and it just doesn't work on me (the problem of being together for soooo many years that I know almost every nuance, nook and cranny of his different tones, voices, moves, etc...). Those times when he's towing the line of possible damage for me/us, I tell him and we talk about it. It's not something you do unless you know someone inside/outside/backwards/forwards. You have to know exactly which buttons you can push and which ones you can't. It's not something for new couples or those with issues to begin with and definitely not for those who are sensitive or thin skinned. I admit I'm not thin skinned or sensitive. Most stuff rolls right off me and I don't give a fig's newton and Master knows it. So if you identify with any of those in what I've written, think twice before getting involved with someone who enjoys emotional or even physical sadism.

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