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I'm perplexed - 12/1/2004 3:54:45 PM   
dixiedumpling


Posts: 456
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: southeast Mississippi
Status: offline 		I've tried several avenues to get my husband to try another flavor than vanilla. I've given him articles on the art of sensual spanking, a book on topping and even his very own leather slapper. All to no avail. Oh, he spanks me very mildly in preparation for sex, but not at all the way I've explained that I want it administered. A few months ago, he told me to give it up, that he wasn't interested, that I needed to face the fact that I've married a wuss. Then in yesterday's mail, I received a JT's Stockroom catalog. He wants to look and it gives him a stiffy. Please explain how something he isn't interested in can turn him on in such an obvious way?

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Toodles,
dixiedumpling

My mind is no place to play alone. Anna Pigeon as written by Nevada Barr
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/1/2004 4:08:30 PM   
esclava


Posts: 42
Joined: 5/1/2004
Status: offline 		I went through a similar experience with my exhusband. Only to eventually realize that he was a submissive and that it would be impossible ot make him Dominant.

submissive esclava

(in reply to dixiedumpling)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/1/2004 4:09:57 PM   
INSIDEYOURMIND


Posts: 483
Status: offline 		Using my Grand Master title bestowed upon me from Mercnbeth's dumpster, I give you the following sage advice.........

GIVE UP, IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

OK, looking at some catalog gives him a stiffie, but he just isn't into beating your ass, maybe try bouncing a few checks, and when he beats your ass for that, show him how much it turns you on!
You'll get the ass beating you so dearly need, and some new stuff that ya blew all the grocery money on!

_____________________________

If I got smart with you.................
How would you know?

(in reply to dixiedumpling)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/1/2004 4:11:18 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Have you ever heard of the Madonna/Whore Complex? Here's the textbook definition as it applies to sex in general.

For some men, love and sex don't mix. For them, love is reserved for 'good' women, and sex is reserved for 'bad' women. In cases of the Madonna/Whore Complex (or Syndrome), a husband's relationship with his wife may be based upon the unmet intimacy needs he had as an infant. He may unconsciously seek out a woman who reminds him of his mother so that those needs can finally be met.

When these men marry, they will marry a 'good' woman, a virginal woman. They will love her, they will protect her, they will treasure her.

But they don't feel comfortable having sex with her once they marry. It would be 'dirty', like having sex with their own mother -- the purest 'good' woman in their life. And, once their wife becomes the mother of their children, the lines blur even more for him between his wife and his mother.

If they are like many men who separate love from sex, and 'good' women from 'bad' women, they will have sex, but it will be with 'bad' women, and it will be sex for the sake of sex, not particularly as an expression of love.

It's easy to put this in the BDSM lifestyle context. Your husband may be very intrigued and sexually turned on by the catalog but can't see his wife or act upon his wife in those situations. You may want to try getting some lifestyle movies to watch together as a next step. He may get some ideas and in watching the movie enough blood may drain from his brain to his erections to allow him to forget about this subconscious concerns.

It seems you at least have a beach-front. And don't feel this is unique. The same 'complex' comes into play often. When Masters fall in love and have long term relationship with their slaves sometimes they reduce the scene intensity.

(in reply to dixiedumpling)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/1/2004 4:52:05 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

For some men, love and sex don't mix. For them, love is reserved for 'good' women, and sex is reserved for 'bad' women. In cases of the Madonna/Whore Complex (or Syndrome), a husband's relationship with his wife may be based upon the unmet intimacy needs he had as an infant. He may unconsciously seek out a woman who reminds him of his mother so that those needs can finally be met.


Hmm I wonder if that would make me good or bad?


(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/1/2004 4:57:04 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Hmm I wonder if that would make me good or bad?


Gloria,

A quote from Mae West comes to mind...

"When I'm good - I'm very good, when I'm bad, I'm better!"

and also from the late great Mae West....

"My right leg is Christmas and my left leg is New Years. Why don't you visit between the holidays?"


(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/1/2004 5:03:29 PM   
esclava


Posts: 42
Joined: 5/1/2004
Status: offline 		I never looked at it from this angel. Good point!

(in reply to sub4hire)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/1/2004 5:08:49 PM   
MistressFire70


Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Oh, this one's easy! There's nekid, or partially nekid, women in the cataloge. Instant stiffy.

On the more serious side: Maybe he's not into spanking or maybe he's not into being a sadist. Maybe if you try other things, like bondage, first? Tie him up...and have him tie you up. Might lead to other things.

Fire

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you have come to a great chasm. Jump. It's not as wide as you think.

(in reply to dixiedumpling)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/1/2004 5:11:09 PM   
cariad


Posts: 943
Joined: 9/25/2004
From: Calgary, Alberta
Status: offline 		this slave would have to agree with INSIDEYOURMIND

quote:

GIVE UP, IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN!

OK, looking at some catalog gives him a stiffie, but he just isn't into beating your ass, maybe try bouncing a few checks, and when he beats your ass for that, show him how much it turns you on!
You'll get the ass beating you so dearly need, and some new stuff that ya blew all the grocery money on!


however if that doesn't work it could be he is submissive or just is not into the rewards the lifestyle offers to so many of U/us...."JMO"




Attachment (1)

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The Path To Being A Good slave Takes Hard Work, A Willingness To Learn, Ability To Take Criticism and the Ability To Take Punishments Well. i Am Still Learning So Please Be Patient With me, As i Walk the Path to Being A good slave. SLRN: 742 958 000

(in reply to esclava)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/1/2004 6:22:38 PM   
LadyPatrice


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/14/2004
Status: offline 		Lordie,

You folks are awful smart. I always love bad girls...bad, very bad. It's why I am top:-) I think.

Lady Patrice

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: I'm perplexed - 12/2/2004 1:09:41 AM   
astralvoyage


Posts: 2
Joined: 12/1/2004
Status: offline 		Tee Hee... I"m personally not a fan of brats, but, I had to grin when reading about the bounced checks. In this case, it just might do the trick.

In all seriousness, he just might not be confident enough to administer what you want. I'm not saying that your husband is not a confident man. What I am saying, is that if he has had no interest in BDSM all his life, hasn't read stories, doesn't understand the psychological aspects or the energetic aspects, nor had the drive/interest/opportunity to explore actually carrying out those physical acts, he could have some serious fear of failure going on or fear that he is going to hurt you. This means that you telling him, "I'd like to explore this" is not sufficient motivation for him to confront his fear of failure in this new territory.

So the question is, is this something you need, something you want, or something you would like. In reading your post, it sounds as though you have a fairly open channel of communication with him. If this is truly a need for you, as it sounds like it might be since you brought it up several times over a course of months, then you may want to bring it to him in terms he can understand. If there is something that you do for him that he needs that you could care less about, but that you enjoy because you know you are meeting his needs, then you can use this as an example with him.

For example, if you pack his lunch or do his laundry, you could say, here's the deal I'd like to propose, my desire to receive quality spankings from you is comparative to your desire to have clean laundry. I'm considering withholding this service in the future in exchange for your willingness to meet my needs. As my satisfaction with your performance in this area increases, your laundry pile will decrease. If you refuse to meet my needs, then get used to doing your laundry. What do you think honey?

Oh, and by the way, since this is something that my mind has been thinking and my ass has been craving for years now, chances are that if this doesn't work, I’m going to propose something different in the months to come. So, what do you think of my suggestion?

These moment that passes by each and every day are yours. This is your life and you are dying each and every second of the day. Each moment that your life slips by unfulfilled is a moment that could have been exactly what you wanted. You could be living out each and every fantasy, right now, in this lifetime. If you have a picture of what your ideal life looks like and this is not it, then that could be contributing negatively to your overall state of mind more than you think. All I'm saying is that you deserve to get what you want. You have chosen to be with this man and it perplexes me that he doesn't support you in getting your needs met. Is this love?

(in reply to LadyPatrice)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/2/2004 7:58:57 AM   
Leonidas


Posts: 2078
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline 		Depending on how long you have been married, you and your husband both have developed ways of behaving around and communicating with one another none of which, most likely, lead to you bare assed over his knee. Also, you and your husband both come from a culture where expressions of male dominance (like a man spanking his wife) are discouraged.

With due respect to the other posters here, suggestions that he should be there to meet your needs are off the mark. Dominance and submission only works if complimentary needs are being met. Even if he engaged in the act in order to please you, you'd know the difference, and you'd ultimately be disappointed with the experience. Besides the spanking, you want him to *want* to spank you. You want to sense in him the desire and passion to make you vulnerable to him, and put you at his mercy. Right now, the "light spanking" that he gives you as you say "in preparation for sex" doesn't satisfy you, mostly, because it's obvious that is how he sees it; just another form of foreplay that he must engage in to get your ready for sex. Even if he spanked you harder you'd still ultimately be disappointed if his view of spanking you didn't change.

In order for you to have what you want, his view of you in general has to evolve, most likely. You need to be to him a woman who evokes in him the desire to assert dominance and control. That can be very hard to accomplish when you have a history with him of not being such a woman. Sometimes it takes radical measures to change the dynamic of the relationship. Tell him that in the future, if he asks for sex, the answer will be "no". If he wants you, he'll have to take you. Similarly, if he askes for oral sex, the answer will be "no". No, that is, until he takes you over his knee and spanks you until you promise to please him. If he is like most men, the drive to possess and control you is there, you just aren't provoking it.



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Take care of yourself

Leonidas

(in reply to dixiedumpling)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/2/2004 8:20:06 AM   
Nvernilla


Posts: 303
Joined: 10/1/2004
Status: offline 		Yea I think you should just try him out on different things and see if anything is there that he doesn't even know about. In this world where the leaders realise that often times controlling a persons sexuality is the first step to controlling the person, as we grow into our sexual phase many walls can be there that we aren't even aware of. Enjoy...Mike

(in reply to dixiedumpling)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/2/2004 8:28:30 AM   
EStrict


Posts: 729
Joined: 1/11/2004
Status: offline 		Ironcally, my ex would tie me up on occassion because I would beg enough... but he never got into it. I personally hate spankings, so those were something I would have never asked for (and still hate, so try not to *earn*). I find nothing sexual about them. Master does, but since my body doesn't react to them the way he wants (since I honestly hate them), he just reserves them for punishment.

I have a body that reacts to EVERYTHING... just not always positively. Through the years, I have had several dominants try to *teach* me how erotic spankings were, and learned instead that what is erotic to some is not to others.

On a side note.. of my life in general, my ex once questioned me about *how come you weren't into THAT when we were married?* My response was, *First, when you wanted to try something new, when did I EVER say no? (he couldn't remember a time, as there wasn't one).* When we talked about a man tying up and flogging a woman, he admitted it turned it him on, and when I asked why he never told me, he said *I was being a gentleman*... to which I replied *had you been a little less 'gentle' and a little more a 'man', we might still be married*.

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Sandy

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway...

(in reply to Leonidas)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/2/2004 8:36:35 AM   
juicycute


Posts: 42
Joined: 10/6/2004
From: Hemet, CA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth


"My right leg is Christmas and my left leg is New Years. Why don't you visit between the holidays?"





ROFL YES! I am definitely keeping that one. *grin*

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: I'm perplexed - 12/2/2004 9:41:53 AM   
subbiejenn


Posts: 631
Joined: 7/12/2004
Status: offline 		I'll have to agree with Leonidas (He is just so smart) but i do have another idea also --

Don't know how you will feel about this but have you thought of bringing in another "sub" ... like Leonidas said depending on how long you have been married you have established your behaviors already and old habits are hard to break... I know for me i FEEL more submissive with a experienced Dom (not saying you aren't a good sub) so maybe your husband will get a taste of feeling Dominate to another submissive. It is easier to let go and do new things like this with someone else i believe. Maybe He will FEEL the control and enjoy it then actually WANT to learn how to be a Dom for You. Have her kneel at His feet and beg for a spanking, bringing her own toys and such.... Just a idea *grins* i know a problem i am having with my Ex-hubby who has been trying to work things out with me is i can't kneel to Him, i can't call Him Sir (i just feel silly but maybe because i don't think He understands them things) etc... maybe it's just me but i love doing these things to a experienced Dom (maybe because i can not submit to him) *shrugs* You do these things to your husband? well my thinking is maybe it is a mental block for him in the same way it is with my Ex and He just needs someone else to show Him the feelings and desires...

JMO
Best of luck - Hugs
~Jenn~

_____________________________

~Subspace is my perfect paradise vacation from busy-mind... blessed be to the Dominant who can stamp my ticket there.~

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away"

(in reply to Leonidas)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/2/2004 9:53:45 AM   
srahfox


Posts: 261
Joined: 10/17/2004
Status: offline 		Even if you do somehow spark his interest (And it just might not happen) it's not all that easy to change the corse of an established relationship. My Husband/Master and I were together for ten years before we started into BDSM. I have no idea how it took up that long, when we sat down and started to think about it, it's something we both wanted for a long time and just didn't know. Now we are having a hard time breaking some habits that have grown from a long standing tradition of being very give and take. I've been talling him 'no' whenever I feel like it for so long it's a habit that I didn't even know I had. Don't get me wrong, Master and I are more happy and more in love than we have ever been before, and neither of us would go back to the way it was before, but I just thought you should know you are in for a long journey if any of these suggestions work.
good luck

(in reply to subbiejenn)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/2/2004 2:52:45 PM   
Estring


Posts: 3314
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I think that sometimes because of our love of and desire for this lifestyle, we forget that most people don't feel the same as we do about it.
I have talked to you before about ways to get him interested, but the truth could be that it just isn't his thing. And actually what is happening is that you are running things instead of being led. After all this time, with there being no inclination in him to be your Dom, it doesn't seem like it is in the cards.

< Message edited by Estring -- 12/2/2004 2:55:56 PM >

(in reply to dixiedumpling)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: I'm perplexed - 12/2/2004 7:13:43 PM   
dixiedumpling


Posts: 456
Joined: 5/10/2004
From: southeast Mississippi
Status: offline 		And, Estring, that just makes me sad.



_____________________________

Toodles,
dixiedumpling

My mind is no place to play alone. Anna Pigeon as written by Nevada Barr

(in reply to Estring)
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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/2/2004 9:40:49 PM   
afmvdp


Posts: 494
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		that is the basic reality of it. I just got out of an almost 3 year relationship for a few reasons but one of the biggest was just that I could not be something I was not, I cannot pretend to not have the desires and needs that I do and in such I cannot stay with a person that doesn't feel those same desires. That is the thing with sexual compatibility. Guess if it comes down to it you'll just need to decide how important that aspect of yourself is to you.

it may also just be time for you to reverse things and start considering what it is that he wants and is looking for rather than being concerned with how to get him to do what it is that you want him to want to do.

(in reply to dixiedumpling)
Profile   Post #: 20
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