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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/3/2004 5:40:47 AM

topcat

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quote:

I just got out of an almost 3 year relationship for a few reasons but one of the biggest was just that I could not be something I was not, I cannot pretend to not have the desires and needs that I do and in such I cannot stay with a person that doesn't feel those same desires.

AMEN, Brother!

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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/4/2004 8:30:55 AM

LadyShoshin

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From: Burlington, Ontario
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You may want to do what others do, sit him down and discuss that your needs aren't being met, so you want to look for a Dom to meet those needs. You can discuss mutual limits and boundaries, letting him know that rather than sneak around behind his back to get needs met, you want him to be aware of what is going on. You can let him know that you love him and want to stay married to him, but if he can't meet your needs, you need someone who can on a part time basis.

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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/4/2004 9:24:16 AM

proudsub

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quote:

You may want to do what others do, sit him down and discuss that your needs aren't being met, so you want to look for a Dom to meet those needs. You can discuss mutual limits and boundaries, letting him know that rather than sneak around behind his back to get needs met, you want him to be aware of what is going on. You can let him know that you love him and want to stay married to him, but if he can't meet your needs, you need someone who can on a part time basis.

Very well said. I wish that's what i had done.

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RE: I'm perplexed - 12/5/2004 11:01:53 PM

RiotGirl

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Access Denied

< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 3/15/2005 11:24:32 PM >

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RE: I'm perplexed - 1/9/2005 6:05:32 AM

Manawyddan

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From: Petaluma (Northern California)
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

A quote from Mae West comes to mind...

"When I'm good - I'm very good, when I'm bad, I'm better!"

I liked George Orwell's analysis: "When she is good, she is plusgood, but when she is ungood, she is doubleplusgood."

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RE: I'm perplexed - 1/9/2005 7:46:02 AM

1RottenJohnny

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quote:

ORIGINAL: EStrict

...to which I replied *had you been a little less 'gentle' and a little more a 'man', we might still be married*.

OUCH!!! That's gonna leave a mark!

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RE: I'm perplexed - 1/9/2005 9:14:36 AM

MizSuz

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Top him. Show him what you want done to you (or an acceptable variant that would get his attention). SHOW him that it can be an expression of love and encourage him to trade places with you. I don't know any guys that wouldn't enjoy being tied to the bed and "done." I'm sure they're out there, I just don't know them (that I'm aware of).

Mernbeth's explanation of the Madonna/Whore complex is a very good example. My marriage fell apart due to it (with probably the most wonderful man I have ever met and the only man I have ever been able to envision myself old with). We remain dear friends, but he has remarried and I do hope it's to someone for whom sex is a non-issue. It wasn't for me.

But the Madonna/whore complex notwithstanding, I have watched many men who were definitely dominant go through considerable adjustment periods when they were coming to terms with their kink. Inside they are struggling with societal notions of what is the "proper" way to treat a woman. They have a dichotomy going on between "striking a woman is a heinous, evil and unacceptable thing" and "god that shit turns me on." They worry that they are sick, they worry that their own "evil" urges will damage someone they love and wish to take care of. Before they settle these things they either can't move forward, move forward tentatively, or torment themselves incredibly if they try it and haven't sorted through these issues yet. So, hold his hand while he begins to examine these issues. Encourage him to talk about it and make anything he says OK. Can you support someone through a self discovery journey without making your own wants and needs the issue? Can you make it a safe place for him to learn that he simply just isn't into it, knowing that will mean you won't get what you want & need? Because I'd bet you that if that is what he comes to then he would be willing to discuss YOUR need with you and how to actualize your getting it met.

There's always kink friendly family therapy, too. You could check out someone in your area and see how it goes.
http://www.bannon.com/kap/

Good luck to you with it.

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RE: I'm perplexed - 1/14/2005 11:53:18 AM

masterofsolace

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I would have to agree with the general flow of the conversation. . if it hasn't happened, that your husband took you over his knee and spanked you good, long and hard, it is not going to happen.

There are Doms out here that will be more than willing to spank and dominate you as your need requires without having sex if that is a hang up. Dominance is not predicated on having sexual relations. It, Dominance as is submisiveness, is a way of aproaching life.

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RE: I'm perplexed - 1/19/2005 12:56:33 AM

Ruqayah

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HI All

I SO appreciate this conversation! I'm going through this same thing.

I have taken things farther and actually have gone ahead and asked for divorce. We are currently separated.

With my soon to be ex he acted interested as well. The little "light" came on when we would talk about it, he was interested in some toys, and I thought (for the first time in 9 years) that I was FINALLY going to have my needs met sexually in the marriage.

Didn't happen. The "spanking" was pure foreplay and had it been administered to either of my kids I am sure it would of been met with "well that didn't hurt" LOL!

BUT I also have the misfortune to have that whole Madonna/Whore complex going. Add in to that ex-hubby dislikes oral sex (on me,,,he wants me to do him all the time!).

You know I tried everything I could think of to get our sex life on track. I got books on sex, bought sexy loungerie, got toys. I tried massages (he said "NO man would ever want a massage before sex"). I tried giving him ideas--showing him pictures "You are accusing me of impotence -- he said". I talked to him about fantasies (trying to find out if he had any in particular--you know schoolgirl, cheerleader, maid, etc) and he told me "men don't have fantasies". About the only thing he DID like was porn. Unfortunately I just am not that into it...I did try though.

When it all came down to it he made the following comment to me and it pretty much sums up his thoughts on the whole matter "well my friends and I were talking and really ANY woman whose husband can even have sex with her at all after a year of marriage is lucky". Apparently during an all male conversation pretty much all of them agreed that all desire was gone for wifey-poo after a year or so. I WISH he would of told me this 10 years ago (when we got married!)

SOOOEEWWW....I am going my own way. Wondering if I will EVER be able to find someone who shares my taste. I can't do much about it right now except some basic talking to people as I tried but it felt too much like cheating and I couldn't do that.

The sad thing is my soon to be ex is a great guy in many other ways...I wonder if he just has so many hangups with sex from his upbringing (strict religious)--- oh well. Guess it doesn't matter anymore to me.

The moral (if there is one here) is that I think its really tough for people to be who they are not. If you have tried to get him interested and hejust isn't he may never be. You'll have to decide on things from there. In my case vanilla sex was a part of the reason to divorce him. Heck SEX was part of the reason. My drive is MUCH higher than his now (not at the beginning of the marriage) -- maybe because we are both almost 40?

Well my best to you. I really hope everything works out.

Ruq

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RE: I'm perplexed - 1/19/2005 3:33:00 PM

Sweeticing

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Dixiedumpling it took me about a year to get my hubby into bdsm. And when i say get him into it I mean accept it. I think it started out he would watch me look at diffrent things on the computer like pics of people tied and using wax play. That open up communication. And I think it helps to show that LOTS of people are into this. He is not into anything hard core yet but we also watched some videos like secetary the new one and some HBO fetish shows that come on at 2am. Anyhow I guess I would say he obviously has a intrest its just buried Keep at it. Dont bombared everything at one time but try and focus on one thing and see how he reacts.

Good Luck

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RE: I'm perplexed - 1/19/2005 4:35:36 PM

Amethystt

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quote:

ORIGINAL: juicycute

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

"My right leg is Christmas and my left leg is New Years. Why don't you visit between the holidays?"

ROFL YES! I am definitely keeping that one. *grin*

You and me both.. I love that. LOL

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RE: I'm perplexed - 1/20/2005 5:37:16 AM

MemphisDsCouple

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Joined: 11/1/2004
From: Memphis, TN, USA
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Reading your profile, you say:

quote:

ORIGINAL: dixiedumpling

I'm married to vanilla and, I guess, have decided to live vicariously through the lives of others living the life for real. Lucky dogs. I've tried to change my husband through the dreaded "topping from the bottom" and it hasn't worked. I'm resigned to my lot in life. At 48 (soon to be 49!), I can't see changing my whole life for this small thing.

There's an old saying:

Be careful what you ask for.... you just might get it.

What if you get him started and he doesn't stop with just spanking you when *you* want it. What if he falls naturally into the role of a master/owner? What if your modern marriage begins to be more like a biblically described marriage? What if he whips you when *he* wants to? What if he no longer allows you to "have a headache"? What if he begins to expect you to "fetch and carry" at his whim? What if he begins to want to control your online activities? What if he begins to expect you to defer to his decisions (and at the same time keep a pleasing attitude/demeanor) about financial things? Like when you can go shopping - what you can buy. What if he begins to control your sexuality? Your orgasms?

Could you handle it?

quote:

ORIGINAL: dixiedumpling

I've tried several avenues to get my husband to try another flavor than vanilla. I've given him articles on the art of sensual spanking, a book on topping and even his very own leather slapper. All to no avail. Oh, he spanks me very mildly in preparation for sex, but not at all the way I've explained that I want it administered. A few months ago, he told me to give it up, that he wasn't interested, that I needed to face the fact that I've married a wuss. Then in yesterday's mail, I received a JT's Stockroom catalog. He wants to look and it gives him a stiffy. Please explain how something he isn't interested in can turn him on in such an obvious way?

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RE: I'm perplexed - 1/20/2005 2:25:42 PM

dixiedumpling

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Mr. B,
I've thought about that too. And I'm pretty sure I couldn't handle a 24/7 sort of D/s relationship. I know a couple that do that and all that scrutiny would wear me down in no time. Oh, she's fun and bubbly and sassy, but I know he's watching and listening and looking for a reason to spank her. I know that I'd like a relationship with sensual/affectionate BDSM. But as in all of life, we make compromises. And this is mine. I keep my lifestyle as a housewife doing the laundry and cooking the meals, picking his shoes up and throwing the daily paper away and he gets mostly peace and quiet from a wife who doesn't demand much. Boring... yeah, maybe, but very secure. And if you read most of the topics here, you'll eventually see a few about committment and how some subs want to be "taken care of", etc. I've got that, I just don't have a spouse who likes a red ass at sunset.

< Message edited by dixiedumpling -- 1/20/2005 2:37:15 PM >

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RE: I'm perplexed - 1/20/2005 2:58:28 PM

247Master

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Basically, you have two types of responses in your thread. Negative and positive. Not surprising, I suppose. But I think it does show that this message board does not have an answer for you. I think part of what you say shows that you have the wisdom to understand that in large part life is what we make of it. We can be positive, or we can be negative. We can recognize the good and dwell on it, or we can focus on the bad and obsess about it. It's an individual choice. Once a door is opened it's hard to close it again. The feelings and instincts aroused in a man who starts spanking and commanding his woman in the bedroom are likely to grow on him. And rightfully so.

< Message edited by 247Master -- 1/20/2005 3:01:31 PM >

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