King Baby syndrome?

King Baby syndrome? (Full Version)

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belongtoyou -> King Baby syndrome? (4/11/2004 11:33:53 PM)
Ok, when i act like a jackass, i own up to it and apologize. So, why is it when a Dom acts like a jackass, He gets annoyed that the sub wants to speak about it, starts to pout, sulk, and say things like, "if you don't like it then why don't you find another Dom?" type of crap....... Is it me, or does He have the "King Baby" syndrome? Do Doms apologize? Shouldn't subs speak up if they are upset by an argument or disagreement that occurred? What say You? ~rain~

Estring -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 12:18:26 AM)
, "if you don't like it then why don't you find another Dom?" type of crap It is hard to have any type of discourse when someone argues in this manner. It's like a vanilla partner saying " why don't we just break up then? " It leaves no room for any type of discussion. And it is not very Dom-like in my opinion. Even in a D/s relationship both sides being able to express themselves is important. Probably even more so. To react in that manner is very childish. Of course yours is only one side of the story, so I am commenting only on what you have posted.

Robinson -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 7:07:26 AM)
quote: Do Doms apologize? Shouldn't subs speak up if they are upset by an argument or disagreement that occurred? What say You? I would think the answer to both of these questions would be "All the time." I have found that since I have not achived perfection or anything that even looks like it, "I am sorry" goes a long way to staying alive. Bigmouthidis can be fatal under the right conditions[:D]. Being creatures of free will, if something is not working speaking up is also prosurvival.

confusetheswede -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 7:25:17 AM)
depends on the realtionship and how much power is between the two.

ShadowHwk -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 9:23:45 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: belongtoyou So, why is it when a Dom acts like a jackass, He gets annoyed that the sub wants to speak about it, starts to pout, sulk, and say things like, "if you don't like it then why don't you find another Dom?" type of crap....... Is it me, or does He have the "King Baby" syndrome? Do Doms apologize? Shouldn't subs speak up if they are upset by an argument or disagreement that occurred? rain, laugh You mean that all this time I didn't need to own up when I screwed up? Damn I will have to try and remember that in the future. The Dom or Domme in question gets annoyed because his ego gets in the way of common sense. If you’re wrong admit it, learn from it, go forward. Doesn't really matter which "role" you take in the relationship. Now that being said, there is always two sides to every story, and at least two viewpoints. Pouting and sulking are NOT really the hallmarks of a Dom or Domme, but rather an indication of the individual’s own insecurities. Having a mistake pointed out, and then having your nose rubbed in it, before you have dealt with it personally, is likely to bring out defensiveness and build nothing but resentment. If you feel the need to address an issue, such as where your Dom or Domme has, in your eyes, made a mistake, a simple statement to that should be sufficient to bring it to his or her attention. Once you have done that then give them TIME to think about it and approach it internally. Any attempt to belabor the point is usually seen as an attempt to belittle, manipulate, or struggle for dominance. In any case it will not make your case any stronger and closes the door for the Dom or Domme to grow and learn from said mistake. Peace and Light Terry

EStrict -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 11:05:50 AM)
quote: Do Doms apologize? Shouldn't subs speak up if they are upset by an argument or disagreement that occurred? Hi Rain. Yes, to me a dominant who is unwilling or unable to apologize or at least admit they are wrong on occasion is not confident enough in their own dominance. After all, even dominants are human (even the ones suffering from god complexes). As far as the second goes, yes and no. When you are upset is not always the best time to talk things out. And if you (generic you) push the other person to do so and they aren't ready/willing, back out (suggesting you find someone else) is a fairly common kind of response in my experience. Communication is a two way street. If your need to talk things out is battling with their need to think on what happened there will conflict. One suggestion is having a notebook. When you are upset about something that happened, wait a minimum of 8 hours, then write it all down. What upset you? Why? What do you feel each of you could do to prevent it from happening again? BE REAL. Take some responsibility for the error, even if it is just not having realized the issue was an issue before that. The problem with agreeing with you in this case is there is no actual incident explained. And to be fair, if you are overreacting to his reaction, you wouldn't see it and would be seeking validation for your feelings. And though I believe people have the right to feel however they want, I can't agree that he was throwing a fit or being unfair without knowing more about the actual incident. If you don't want to talk about it on the boards but would like to discuss it in more detail, you can contact me off list.

Voltare -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 11:49:10 AM)
rain, I wholeheartedly agree with the advice already given. I would like to add, though, that there is no perfect Dom, or perfect sub. People make mistakes, say things they dont mean, and mean things they dont say all the time. This does not make them a 'bad' Dom or sub, it makes them human. I dated a vanilla girl for a long time who had a terrible habit of getting lost. Actually, most girls I date seem to be terrible with directions, but this one in particular was stubborn about it. She would drive for over an hour to a place, only to find that she had the numbers wrong i.e. 6618 main, instead of 618 main street. This did not make her a bad girlfriend as a whole, I simply had to account for it. When I am wrong, I fess up to it. I take on the added responsibility in an Ms relationship, that when I am wrong, I waste my time and my slaves as well. This does not give her free clearence to put me under a microscope, or 'nag' me about it. I make the mistake, we both pay for it, and life goes on. The charicature of a Dom being 'bad' if he refuses to acknowlege his failings, flaws, and faults is quite right in my mind. At the same time, I always figure there usually a side of the story that is not being told. In the end, if the water, dress, or Dom doesnt work for you... change the temperature, change the dress, and change Doms. Stephan

ShadowHwk -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 12:28:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: EStrict One suggestion is having a notebook. When you are upset about something that happened, wait a minimum of 8 hours, then write it all down. What upset you? Why? What do you feel each of you could do to prevent it from happening again? BE REAL. Take some responsibility for the error, even if it is just not having realized the issue was an issue before that. Sandy, Damn good advice, going to have to remember that one. Thanks Terry

EStrict -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 1:47:47 PM)
Thank you Sir. It works well for us. Especially since I am one that tends to hold things in. I have found that often having to write it out makes me see where it as often me over reacting as something he has done. It takes two to have misunderstanding....

topcat -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 3:44:33 PM)
quote: "if you don't like it then why don't you find another Dom?" type of crap....... Midear Rain- I've done that. Granted, it takes A LOT to get me to that point, and it certainly not a behavior that I am fond of in myself, but I have been there in two relationships. In both cases they were very high mantaince, passive-agressive, balky submissives. The type that believes that they have the right to have a 'bad sub' day, but I wasn't allowed to be anything less than perfectly pacient, nuturing, understanding, even keeled and attentive. It does take a lot to get to me like that. In both cases, I had been putting up with on-again, off-again submission for over a year. I don't think I should be that guy- 'sulky' is not a trait that I expect of myself, and it sure isn't 'domly'. I'd say that in most of my interactions, when I am wrong, I am the first to note it, and to ask forgiveness. I don't think that 'Jackass' is a side of myself the crops up too often, but if it did, I'd give some real thought to why I was with a person who brought it out in me. Stay warm, Lawrence

proudsub -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 6:04:54 PM)
quote: In both cases they were very high mantaince, passive-agressive, balky submissives. The type that believes that they have the right to have a 'bad sub' day, but I wasn't allowed to be anything less than perfectly pacient, nuturing, understanding, even keeled and attentive. Hmmm Lawrence, was rain one of your subs? sry j/k rain, plz don't hold it agains me, still love ya.

belongtoyou -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 6:10:57 PM)
Thank You all for Your quick responses... As many of You have mentioned; there are always two sides of the story...so, i'll provide the context, and we'll go from there. We were chatting online, and it was getting erotic, He asked to stop b/c He was getting ready for bed, and i playfully responded, "well, it's your loss!" and i said that b/c i was leaving the next morning to go away for the weekend...that's all i meant. But before i got the chance to explain, He went off on me, and when i tried to apologize, He said goodnight and logged off the computer. When i tried to call Him on the phone, He hung up on me, 3 times. So, i left for the weekend feeling like crap b/c that was the last conversation we had. When i got back into town and tried to discuss it, He got more annoyed and started saying things like "if you need to discuss every arguement after it happens, then perhaps you need a different Dom, etc etc." What upset me is this: He wanted to forget the whole thing, but when i said that He hurt my feelings by acting like a jerk...well, that didn't seem to matter....and that upset me more. As i write this, i can see that there was a better way for both of us to handle this, BUT, i still think He owes me an apology. (probably get flamed for that, but oh well). So, that's the deal. ~rain~

EStrict -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 6:54:19 PM)
Hi Rain, Well, your post does explain things well for me. What it boils down to is the very simple reason I never did online D's. I met my master online, and where he did control things after we agreed to get together, we never sessioned online. According to you, you were teasing when you said well your loss, but look at it from his perspective. He is your dominant, and said it was time to end things. Instead of just saying yes Sir, you responded with something could very well read as being a smart ass. You don't say what he said in going off on you, but perhaps it wasn't as bad as it made you feel? Don't get me wrong, he probably sounded just as bad as you did, but the fact is, you are the submissive. He said he had to go, you tried to get him not to (topping from bottom behavior), when you wanted to explain, he said no, but you tried anyway. He sees no point in discussing it, as he probably feels his actions were clear enough, and it is up to you to decide if you can handle that you don't get say. Perhaps he is still looking at your continued attempts as making excuses for something he considers poor behavior on your part? I wouldn't expect an apology, and unless there is a lot more involved than I have read, I don't see that he owes you one. Acceptence is a big part of being a submissive. Unless you two are a scene by scene relationship or one where you let him know that it is his responsibility to totally discuss every little thing, be realistic. ::Laughing:: and for your own sake, stop sweating the little stuff, or you will drive yourself nuts. One last thing, maybe you are just moving things too fast. This is your what? 3rd or 4th dominant in as many months. Maybe you should consider taking more time to get to know someone before you start scening? (And if I am mistaking you with someone else on that, I apologize).

belongtoyou -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 7:04:09 PM)
Yes, so i'm with a new Dom, again.......but who's counting? (Sandy??!!) "but the fact is, you are the submissive. He said he had to go, you tried to get him not to (topping from bottom behavior), when you wanted to explain, he said no, but you tried anyway." -Sandy tis true, but He also knows i'm new to this, how about some patience instead of pouting? (sigh) ~rain~

EStrict -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 7:59:56 PM)
No Rain, I don't really care enough to count. I just have a very good memory. And yes, you are new, which is why that fact is so scary. You seem to jump from relationship to relationship way to quickly to actually get to know them. That you are new is only an excuse for so long. Here is one for you. Everytime one of these dominants hasn't lived up to your expectations, you have come to the board and publically critisized them. Had I ever posted that Master was suffering from King Baby Syndrome during our online getting to know you time, we wouldn't have gotten very far. It's disrespectful for one thing. If you show him such blatent disrespect here, why do you feel you deserve extra consideration? From everything I have read here, perhaps you should look closer in the mirror at who is pouting because they aren't getting their way. As far as having patience, it is known to wear thin by those who like to bang their head against the wall (you know what I am talking about).

Estring -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/12/2004 11:07:31 PM)
As I said, there are two sides to every story. He may not be acting as a Dom should, but you need to understand more about how a sub should behave. I don't think you did very well.

topcat -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/13/2004 9:33:20 AM)
Midear Rain- Sorry- I didn't mean to come off as flaming you, and the context does go along way in answering this question. For starters, he _does_ owe you an apology, IMO. 'It's your loss' is hardly a reason to put on your asshat, and start cutting off comminuication. I also think that while 'every' argument need not be discussed, this one should have been. His behavior is childish in the extreme, in this instance, and is actually the sort of thing that would make me end a relationship. Playing the 'I am upset with you, and I will not allow it to be dealt with' game is the sort of passive/agressive behavior that at this point in my life, i will not put up with. As an additional disclaimer, I don't do online- there may be other standards that apply, but as you've explained it, I don't think anything more than a mild chastisement for being bratty or flip would have been in order. Stay warm, Lawrence

Voltare -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/13/2004 10:40:27 AM)
At what point does the anthill stop being just a little lump of dirt, and start being a mountain? Seriously, rain, I think there is an element involved that I believe you are overlooking, that I know I overlooked back when I was first exploring D/s. Instead of approaching a D/s relationship (online, offline, whatever) as Ds first, perhaps state that BDSM and Ds are interests of yours...but that you would prefer to introduce those elements of the relationship down the line. You cant 'give submission' to a man online. You cant be 'owned' by a cyber dom (in my opinion) and thus, the fantasy that you are experiencing with the Dom right now, through internet and telephone are more like a glass jar version, but always with you having the off button i.e. the off button on your computer. Give the relationship time to progress to a point where you are willing to meet real time, spend a day or two in his company every month or week, depending on distance, and once you have established a successful real life friendship turn relationship, then pull out the toy box and go to town. I make the suggestion I do, because youve made it clear you are not seeking a casual play situation, but rather something long term with as great an emotional role as physical. The physicality WILL be a factor, I am not suggeting it will not. On the other hand, Ive never met someone who said that they broke up because the sex was terrible. Ive seen couples break up, often, because sex was the ONLY thing good. Just my two cents... best of luck. Stephan

rain -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/14/2004 6:39:47 AM)
Thank you all for your responses. i happen to agree with most of what was said here. Now that some time has passed, i will say this: i know i did not handle this situation particularly well. As i mentioned, i have apologized to Him already. What's frustrating to me is that i am still learning about my role as a sub, however, i don't feel as though He's given me much guidance and/or education about all the nuances of the D/s relationship. At times it's difficult to articulate this, but i'm working on it. The other thing i realize, after starting this thread is: it's not a good idea to rant while i am upset. Thank you all for your input. (in case you were wondering, i have deleted the belongtoyou account, and reopened an account using my name, rain. i find it's much easier to be addressed by one name. ) Cheers, ~rain~

Estring -> RE: King Baby syndrome? (4/14/2004 2:46:39 PM)
I am confused. Are you rain or belongtoyou? Or are you Estrict? Lol. Kidding. Actually, it could be very possible that the fact you are not getting enough guidance or direction in your path to being a good sub is actually THE problem. The rest are just symptoms. It's worth thinking about.

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