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Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 4:51:23 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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How many have or have had their dominant/master/partner on a pedestal; where you only saw the ideal person that you had built in your mind and didn’t see them for who they were? If you once did, what catalyst or event caused you to finally see them, flaws and all? How did that impact your relationship? Were you able to sustain the relationship without the illusion?

For me, I have never had rose-colored glasses with my Lord. With each step that he and I have taken over the past 21 months, I have seen the good and the bad. Today, I see him for who he is and love him for it. I see the man that is devoted, committed, loyal, loving, generous, intelligent, playful, protective… and I also see the man that even outside of play can be impatient, cold, callous, cruel, short-tempered, unforgiving, unsympathetic, thoughtless…

In a past non lifestyle relationship, I did not see my partner for who they really were. I saw an illusion that they projected and that I built upon in my mind. The relationship did not survive his fall from grace. I found that the love was not based on reality or the truth and it ended bitterly. It makes me wonder how many of the posts that we see from failed relationships are related to one or both believing the illusion and not seeing reality.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

Post #: 1

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 5:25:44 AM

smilezz

Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
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Morning kyra,

I would have to be honest and say that i had Thorns so high up on a pedastal that He and God were having conversations face to face. There was an event in our lives a few years ago, one which changed everything. I almost walked out the door, but with much needed communication and doing the next right thing...i realized this Man was human too. I believed He was capable of hurting just as much as i was, i also found out that failing at something can lead to much growth.

I know alot of that is pretty vague, but that's about all i really want to share about it. When it was all said and done with, i realized that being put up on that pedastal is not really grounded in reality.

Happy Saturday!

~smilezz~

_____________________________

=It's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of Glitter & I have been shinin' ever since=

�*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,-:* �

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 2

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 5:28:31 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
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quote:

I did not see my partner for who they really were. I saw an illusion that they projected and that I built upon in my mind. The relationship did not survive his fall from grace.

I went through something similar to this. And it was made worse by the fact that I had such low self-esteem that I thought if I could be even more pleasing that I could somehow fix the faults in the relationship. When the illusion crumbled I was glad that the relationship did not survive his fall from grace. Sometimes we want something badly enough that we see it in a different light. It's sad when we blind ourselves that way. But I believe that the things we go through help make us who we are today, good and bad experiences impact us and we learn from them.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 3

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 5:53:12 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
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Morning smilezz,

I appreciate all that you did share. I am happy to see you made it through. From my limited perspective of your relationship, it is something that I admire.

kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to smilezz)

Post #: 4

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 5:56:36 AM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied
Sometimes we want something badly enough that we see it in a different light. It's sad when we blind ourselves that way. But I believe that the things we go through help make us who we are today, good and bad experiences impact us and we learn from them.

I couldn't agree more. As painful as that relationship was, it led me to explore BDSM. Without that catalyst, I don't think I would be as happy as I am now with my current relationship.

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 5

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 6:01:25 AM

smilezz

Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
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Thank you kyra..........and here i was the one all this time that admired you..alandra and Knight. <smilez warmly>

~smilezz~

_____________________________

=It's not my fault that when I was a baby I was dropped in a box of Glitter & I have been shinin' ever since=

�*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,.-:* � �*:-.,_,-:* �

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 6

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 10:39:16 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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Hello kyra,

I haven't had *rose specs* on.....but my Master remains firmly up there *next to Jesus* ..... it has pissed quite a few people off.

It isn't the *done thing* to never have a single bad word to say about a chap, even after years and years....lol

It's not that I'm blind to his character....I just happen to find ALL of his *bad* points on my *best points* list.

Regards, agirl

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 7

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 10:59:05 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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My first Ds relationship was a rose colored glasses affair. He turned out to be dishonest and because he couldn't admit that he tried to project his failures on to me. I have to admit that it crushed me. I loved him. I only realized I was over him completely a couple of weeks ago when I was able to think back on some of his good qualities without having to remind myself that he infact lied to me.

I do not believe I wear rose colored glasses this time. I was looking very hard for red flags with Daddy so I would avoid the pain I went through before. I have to say my respect grows for him as I spend time with him. He gets better the more I know him. There are other things that I see that are far from perfect, but they are things I can live with. Im not going to talk about them on a public message board, but if he asked me I would tell him. (he may ask when he reads this next week after his computer is set up.. he is moving). His good qualities are my focus, but it does not mean I do not see the bad.

In fact some qualities are subjective as to their value. He has a goofy sense of humor that I love, for example. Anothe person wouldn't like that.

I think that Ds relationships have more potential for the rose colored glasses phenomena because some submissives seem to need to think of their dominant person as being a god like being, infallable, and above them... just my thoughts

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 8

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 11:02:17 AM

NurseKitty

Posts: 33
Joined: 6/14/2006
From: Syracuse, New York
Status: offline

As a very novice submissive and one who wasn't in the lifestyle 'til I met my Dom/live-in/love of my life, I've also gone through a sort of "unveiling" of sorts, as in I've never known anything different than Him. I've only been in the lifestyle (and with Him) for 8 months as of tomorrow. Since he's been lifestyle-oriented for 40+ years vs. my 8 months, I've done a LOT of reading/learning/growing and I can distinctly remember the moment when I realized he doesn't have all the answers, and he is not perfect, and as a Dom he also needs to do some learning and growing and expanding himself. While this was unsettling, I fortunately have been able to talk with Him quite frankly about my feelings regarding both him and my own place and doubts as to my abilities within the lifestyle context. There are still some issues I'm hesitant to bring up (mostly, I don't feel he's taking control enough of the time) but overall we've got a VERY strong relationship which has not only survived an honest evaluation of the both of us, it's grown in spite/because of it. He even presented me with a collar last week on my birthday!! What an incentive to become even more the submissive that He seems to know I can be!!

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 9

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 12:49:05 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

How many have or have had their dominant/master/partner on a pedestal; where you only saw the ideal person that you had built in your mind and didn’t see them for who they were? If you once did, what catalyst or event caused you to finally see them, flaws and all? How did that impact your relationship? Were you able to sustain the relationship without the illusion?Knight's kyra

I certainly did with my ex-master, but part of that was due to new relationship energy. A lot of what was done in the first 6 months pretty much stopped short after that and never came back. Since I'd based my commitment to him on the first 6 months of behavior, I was pretty much left to try and reform my entire relations with him. While it wasn't ideal, we managed to rework things together and it was not what led to the relationship ending.

However, I don't recommend that process to others.

The good news is that it didn't happen at all with my current partners. I believe this was because the relationship built up over time. For the first few months we really were nothing more than friends who dated and it was from there that we built what we had now.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 10

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/22/2006 9:53:27 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
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I can't do the pedestal thing, because people tend to get pretty banged up when they fall off, and I wouldn't want that on my conscience.

I'm actually pretty cynical when it comes to men, and dominant men in particular. In my lifetime, I've been let down by so many men that it's simply impossible to view them as anything more than flawed human beings. The Kaptin is about as close to being on a pedestal as anyone could possibly get with me, but even He misses a step once in a while and falls back down while climbing up there.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 11

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/23/2006 1:13:54 AM

SusanofO

Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline

I do love my rose colored glasses. I really do. I will leave them on a bit longer than many, perhaps. I guess the one thing that will help me take them off is if someone hurts me in such a way as too really take me aback (and how this could happen is too individual to a situation to talk about here). Or, I see them treat someone else really shabbily.

In that case, what I do is remind myself that their good points really do outweight the bad (provided that's true, for me) and remind my self that I have not always been a living saint myself, and ask myself if I've ever done something similar and that if they knew that, what they'd think of me.

- Susan

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to Evanesce)

Post #: 12

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/23/2006 2:32:23 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline

It is something I've had to fight against for many many years. For some reason the majority of girls I have had have tended to see me as someone far far better than the reality.

I know I AM pretty good at what I do, however I am not superman, I have failings, plenty of them. A number of ex-girls, with the uncany human knack of 20-20 hindsight have admitted I am a difficult Master to serve, something I 'try' to ensure someone new actualy realises.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 13

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/23/2006 10:26:45 AM

LaMspeach

Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline

I put Master on a pedestal because in my eyes that is where he belongs. However, I dont wear the rose colors glasses. I know he is human, makes mistakes and has most other normal problems people on earth have. What allowed me to be able to keep him up on that pedestal is his honesty, he doesn't try to bullshit me into thinking he is anything but what he is.

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 14

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/25/2006 9:17:53 AM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

It is something I've had to fight against for many many years. For some reason the majority of girls I have had have tended to see me as someone far far better than the reality.

I know I AM pretty good at what I do, however I am not superman, I have failings, plenty of them. A number of ex-girls, with the uncany human knack of 20-20 hindsight have admitted I am a difficult Master to serve, something I 'try' to ensure someone new actualy realises.

My Master is a difficult Master to belong to also. I don't have to be an *ex-girl* to know it....lol

He's exacting, expects a LOT, never let's things slide, notices EVERYTHING from the barest hesitation to a slight change of stance....but then ...like you, he is good at what he does.

I couldn't BE owned by anyone that was less than the sum of him.....I know it and he knows it.

In regard to your last comment...*I try to ensure someone new actually realises*....I remember him asking me if I was SURE.... because when he does something, he does it properly. I WAS sure,absolutely.....but I have to admit that I couldn't have been aware JUST how tough he, or the road would be, at times.

I haven't regretted one single moment of either knowing him or belonging to him.

agirl

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 15

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/25/2006 9:45:38 AM

Littlepita

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Joined: 10/6/2005
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I don't suffer from this problem. My Dom has gone out of his way to not let me put him on a pedestal. He has shown his vulnerable side to me as well as his fears and insecurities. To me he is very human and he remarkable in my eyes. I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for my Dom because of his honesty and humanity.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 16

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/25/2006 10:11:13 AM

LaTigresse

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Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

Having been on the recieving end of this bizzare situation its weird and uncomfortable. I WANT people to see me as the highly flawed person I am and just love me more for it.........or at least tollerate of it.
If one is perfect then there is no room for improvement, no more learning........waaaaaaayyyy too boring!
When I meet someone new, especially from the net, that has given me some indication of heading down that path I try to make sure they are seeing me as I am. I don't go to the salon to get hair and nails done. No new clothes. Just me as I am day to day. If they can't be happy with that then tooooo bad.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Littlepita)

Post #: 17

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/25/2006 11:18:37 AM

foxglove716

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Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

Great post Kyra

My Dom is on the perpetual pedistal, and there forever. Of course he makes mistakes, we all do. But instead of trying to "fix" a problem, I tend to accept it and then move with it.

_____________________________

Illusion is the first of all pleasures. -Oscar Wilde

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 18

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/25/2006 12:03:42 PM

MyCaptainsPet

Posts: 219
Joined: 1/22/2006
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My Captain isn't on a pedistal... But in my eyes he's perfect, flaws and all...

_____________________________

SLRN 896-781-943

(in reply to foxglove716)

Post #: 19

RE: Illusion vs. Reality - 7/25/2006 2:14:49 PM

kisshou

Posts: 2425
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

If you ask the Owner he will tell you that he is an evil sadistic bastard. I don't see that at all I totally adore him.

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 20

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