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Gauge -> People That Can Go Fuck Themselves! (8/18/2016 8:03:04 PM)
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The following is a list of people that need to have a gopher gnaw their genitals off:
- I get in the mood for a hot dog, not the best meal in the world, but it is all American and such so I figure I am being patriotic. I go into the local hot dog shop and order me up three dogs to go. I get home, put a DVD in and I unwrap my hot dog. The hot dog is so overdone that it looks like it has a layer of tree bark over it. When you bite into it, the outer skin has the edible consistency of a steel belted tire. Plus there are funky pockets of air inside the hot dog that have come from the inside actually pulling away from the nasty outer shell. Look, if the hot dog wants nothing to do with the outer shell... do you honestly think I do? So, to the hot dog shop that thinks that style of hot dog is haut cuisine I say... Die!
- In the grocery store... the aisle where they keep the tins of anchovies, smoked octopus and sardines is this little corner where they have something called Potted Meat Product. Wait... let me go get my bib and dig right in. What the hell is that stuff and who actually eats it? I read the ingredient label... mechanically separated beef, pork and chicken... yummy! A serving suggestion is to spread the vile stuff onto a cracker... yeah, like that is going to happen. Couldn't they have called it something more inviting like Mechanically Separated Stuff That Looks Like Three Week Old Roadkill. To those that market this stuff... DIE!
- Toll booth attendants. Look, we realize that you are cooped up in a little cell for eight hours a day and get asked all sorts of questions, but would it really hurt you to put a fucking smile on your face? If we ask for directions would it really put you out to help us because even though you know where something is, we don't and we don't want to get lost? Go play Hide And Go Fuck Yourself!
- The restaurant manager or owner that asks you how everything is and you tell him that something is wrong and he looks at you as if he wants to rip your head off and shit down your neck. Look bitch... if you didn't want to know, don't fucking ask. So... may you have to dine on Potted Meat Product for all eternity.
- People that leave their pets in the car and go shopping. Look folks, you just didn't realize that you had to do your week's grocery shopping all of a sudden... drop Fido or Fluffy off at home THEN go. If you can't sit in the car in the blazing sun for an hour with the windows cracked just a little, what makes you think your pet can?
- Radio DJ's that think they are funny but are just stupid and disgusting. If I wanted to indulge in potty humor, I would go visit a kindergarten class and fart. Dickheads.
- TV stations that play the same commercial not once, not twice, but continuously throughout the program you are watching. Do you not realize that you are not selling that product but rather annoying us into ignoring the ad? Let me come over for dinner and I will repeat the same phrase 1,000 times and let's see how you like it. What the fuck are you thinking?
- People that think that their cell phone is more important than the person with them. I want to take the phone, smash it and fucking shove it up your fucking ass. Then maybe you will notice that I am trying to have a fucking conversation with you.
- People that cannot mind their own business. Excuse me, but what I do is none of your concern. I will thank you to go sit in the corner and smash your genitals with a cinder block.
- The guy in the restaurant... you know the one. The guy that has his cell phone surgically attached to his ear and he is talking loudly... that guy. I wonder if the food would taste better with the cell phone shoved up his ass.
- The people that go to movies and talk during the film and give away key plot items because they have nothing else to do than to ruin the film for you. I really wish that they would get attacked by a great big giant carnivorous Juju Bee.
- People that drive all over town grocery shopping and claim that they are saving money. Hey... dorkweed, have you seen gas prices lately? Go to one store, drive home and be happy... and save a little fuel in the process.
- Picture the highway. You are driving 55 or 65 miles per hour... let's say you are going to work. The person in the lane right next to you is... reading their newspaper, drinking coffee and smoking all while driving a 2500 pound steel weapon down the road. Look, I am not the brightest, but can you not wake up a half-hour earlier and do all of that shit at home and NOT try and kill the rest of us? Thanks.
- You go into a mini-mart. You want your coffee or soda and you want to get the hell out of there because you have your newspaper and your smokes waiting for you in the car so you can drive down the highway with them... and the guy in front of you has done several things. One is they bought half the store and are paying in change that they are digging out from some orifice of their body... you have seen the 'deep pocket dig.' The other is that they get a full months worth of lottery tickets. The line now looks like the set of a gangbang film and people are gritting their teeth and reaching for weapons. Thanks a lot pal. Way to go.
- Whoever invented the plastic bag holders at the checkout counters at the grocery stores. These things never work for me. I stand there and look like I have no arms or brain for that matter because I am getting my ass kicked by a little, insignificant piece of plastic.
- While we are in the grocery store... do they hire someone specifically to damage the produce? You know why... you have done it... you see the most wonderful peach sitting high atop a mound of other, smaller, less tasty looking ones and your mouth does a backflip thinking about biting into the soft flesh of the fruit. You pick the thing up and your thumb proceeds to sink into the peach like it was ensnared in quicksand. You turn the peach over and you find this nasty, rotten, moldy area with a big hole where your thumb used to be. No paper towels. Just wonderful.
- Staying in the store... the people that shuck the fresh corn to see if it is good or not. Let me ask you a question Einstein... do you open the cans of beef stew to see if they are spoiled before you buy them? Do they let you cook and eat the fish to see if you get sick before you buy it? You see nothing wrong with gambling but you just have to open that ear of corn... where do you people come from?
- The people that work on their cars on a busy street and think that you should be looking out for their legs sticking out from under their car whilst they change the oil or some such nonsense. Yeah, I am always on the lookout for legs just laying in the street... it is just so common.
- The kid that is riding their bike and thinks that traffic laws will either protect him or that they do not apply to him. They blow through stop signs and traffic lights like they weren't there. Then, if the kid does get hit and God forbid, killed... they scream and yell about how tragic the accident was and there are vigils and other monuments that spring up spontaneously at the site where they were hit. Ummmm... the kid was dumb... they were wrong and it is tragic that something happened but it isn't the guys fault that hit them.
- The person who invented the 'clamshell' packages. You know... I was speaking of a special hell for some people... there is a special place in hell for the inventor of this dastardly device. They will eternally have to open their own packages with nothing but their bare hands. No knives or teeth... just hands. All they will need is one package because they will NEVER GET THE FUCKING THING OPEN!
- Those that stop in the middle of the street to drop something off or pick someone up when there is a good clear 50 feet of parking space where they could pull over and get the fucking hell out of my damn way
- People that think that their car horn is a doorbell
- People that want to say that a smoker can't sit outside and smoke in a designated area just because it might harm them... look, it's a big fucking planet... move the fuck over!
- The health care profession... you know, those bastards in the hospitals complain about medical malpractice lawsuits and then only ever see a patient once or twice. The same doctor rarely sees the same patient all the time. If there was consistency in care, you might not have to fucking worry if a lawyer is going to sue your sorry ass
- Drug companies. They rake in tens of billions of dollars each year and they have the audacity to charge some poor schlep that can't afford to feed themselves $50 a pill for medicine they can't live without. I want those ass clowns to eat catfood for a year... then see what it is that they are doing to the general public
- People that own Humvees and bitch about gas prices. First of all, your car looks stupid and so do you. You didn't buy the car because it is an environmentally friendly or economic automobile to drive. You didn't buy the car because it was a solidly built, mechanically sound fuel saver... you bought it so that others would look at you. You bought it because it is a status symbol. Just stop kidding the rest of us and yourselves.
- The meatwhistles that think because I am anti-war means that I don't support the troops. I do support the troops... I do not want them to die. I want them home safe and sound. Is that not a noble sentiment? Does this make me a person that is not patriotic when I care about their lives?
- The fuckheads that can do documentary films on illegal activities that go undetected by law enforcement and yet our law enforcement officials are 'clueless' as to where these people are and how they are doing things. HELLO??? If the guy with the camera can find out where these people are... it should be a cinch for the police.
- People that do not clean up after their dog and then get all indignant when you ask them to pick up their dear little pet's feces. I don't walk into your home and shit on your carpet and leave with a smile on my face... but it is really tempting to do so when I see you not clean up after your animal. Stupid people should not be entrusted with the responsibility to care for an animal.
- Anyone that would, for any reason, hurt or harm a child. There is a special place in hell for you people and I, for one, will be laughing my ass off while you get fire and brimstone shoved into your colon.
- Bible thumpers that think that they are better than the rest of us hellbound sinners. You know what muletard? Jesus never won people over by being superior... he won them over because he accepted people at face value and offered them a choice. The only people that he really got furious at were 'good, God fearing church people.' Think that one over the next time you are yelling at a homosexual or firebombing an abortion clinic.
- Phone menu's. You know, if you want billing press 1, customer service press 2 etc. Please enter your account number. What is 3x5? Please enter your shoe size. How many pets do you own? You have to go through 50 fucking things to talk to a human fucking being, and since you are so frustrated with their bullshit menu... you have forgotten why you called... if you do remember, the person you reach cannot help you!!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!
Feel free to add your own.
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